Say Yes

[MidnightCafe]

I was musing about this the other day, and thought I'd pop in here to share it. I'm not an expert, but this is a piece of advice I've been meditating on lately. The pastor of my home church (the one I grew up in) used to say, "Always say yes to your children whenever you can so that when you need to say no they will respect that."

Maybe this doesn't apply to anybody else here, but I tend to be a rule-follower. DD asks if she can take her shoes off in the chiropractor's office while we both have an appointment & I automatically say no because people don't take their shoes off in chiropractor's offices...do they? My DD always asks me, "Why?" And I'm starting to notice the difference between the things I say "no" to because there's a real reason and the things I say "no" to automatically. I'm trying to say "yes" instead...or "let me think about that for a minute" before I respond. Some days I feel like I'm saying "no" all the time, and it sets up this really negative dynamic between DD & I. So, I'm trying to conscientiously evaluate what's really important & what's not. Maybe it's just the age-old "pick your battles" advice. I'm finding that sometimes I say no because I just don't want to deal with the clean-up, as in "no, we're not going to paint today." "No, let's not dump out all the legos." I know I'm going to have to guide her through the clean-up thing and it makes me not want to get things out in the first place. I need to think about the fun she'll have in between & how much happier we'll all be.

I don't mean any of this in a permissive sort of way, either. I don't mean that we should all be saying yes all the time just because our kids get upset when we don't. I'm just thinking that something I need to let go of control & say yes when there isn't really a good reason not to. Yes, I'm a control freak. I admit it. I'm working on it.

You see, my DD needs really good boundaries. What I'm finding is that I can be much firmer on a few good boundaries than I can on a bunch of artificial ones.

Maybe this isn't news to any of you.

So, I'm just letting you know that this is what I'm practicing this week. I'm going to say "yes" more often.

[raisa]

:tu I was just this very morning reading this part of Playful Parenting. He talks about setting aside a Play Time where we consciously follow our child's lead and say "Yes." His example was when the kids wanted to untie a dock at the lake, and paddle it around like a boat. His instinct was to say "it's too hard" or "we can't," but really there was (in this case) no safety or other reason not to do it. It turned out to be a ton of fun.

I have such distaste for permissiveness -- I just abhor the idea of letting my child run all over me. So I think I'm in danger of say "no" just to prove I can. Sometimes I find myself saying "no" just meaning "that would annoy me," but this probably means there is a bigger problem going on -- I'm too tired and we need to restructure our days so we're not getting so burnt out. Or, I need to remove the annoying object or change the situation. Or, I need to be proactive like put on quiet music and hold DS if I'm annoyed with him being loud and aggressive.

[hsgbdmama]

I've always been a big believer in "pick your battles" and embracing a "win-win" solution -- and I don't mean that in an adversarial way; but rather, what are the issues I'm going to stand firm on? If my child wants to go around in a t-shirt and a diaper all day, is that a big deal? He's dressed, and is fine with wearing clothes outside the house or when it is cold in the house/basement. So no, that's not a battle I need to pick, and it's something I say "yes" to -- he's not naked, and he's happy.

I think some parents turn everything into a battle, and one they always need to win. :( That's when things become adversarial. :td

It definitely is a retraining of your thoughts, where you learn to quickly ask yourself, "what harm does it do?" or "what is the big deal about his/her doing that?" Most of the time you are going to answer yourself, "none." And you are going to say yes to your dc. :hearts

[MidnightCafe]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I'm glad I made some sense. :mrgreen This is a re-occuring lesson for me & has been since DD was old enough to ask to do anything. I find that there are certain times when I need to make a conscious effort to say yes more. It's like, as soon as I get things settled down around here, and I feel great about how things are working, she starts asking something new or I get complacent and start answering before thinking. So, I re-learn the same lesson over and over. Perhaps I will have learned this one by the time DD moves out, eh?

[kiloyd]

I can't think of the example right now. But sometimes after i tell DS no to something and he asks why, I think, I don't know, go ahead.

So, i think I need to learn not to automatically say no and just think first before I give him an answer.

Yes, your post made perfect sense to me.

[mommy2abigail]

Coming from a punative background, saying no was normal to me, a way to "show who's boss" "that you don't always get what you want" and the like. In making the transition to saying yes more often, I said "let me think about it" (thanks Becky Bailey) it gives me a minute to really think about why I would say no. Is it a safety issue (running barefoot it the street)? Or something annoying (painting and making a mess)? Or just something I am uncomfortable with (taking shoes off in the doctors office)? Then I can really decide what to say. HTH

[fourbygrace]

I just watched a video by Barbara Coloroso called "Winning at Parenting Without Beating Your Kids" (from the library) :D and her standard for things that kids want to do is to ask yourself the following questions:

Is it life threatening?
Is it morally threatening?
Is it unhealthy?

If not, then let them do it. I have been repeating this to myself all day and it really has made me stop and think about the things that I say no to automatically.

Blessings,
Mary