Making amends?

[mommyof3dds]

I think it was a post by Crystal that I read about making amends when you wrong someone. Can someone who uses this explain how it works. I need an example of how you use it. I feel like alot of times when one of the kids has done something to the other that I do alot of lecturing that just goes in one ear and out the other. I don't want to force a sorry out of them, but at the same time there needs to be a consequence or reaction the the behavior. I'm talking mainly about hateful attitude. My oldest will be nasty to by youngest. I hear her talk ugly to her and she will admit that she is talking mean to her, but says she doesn't know why. I just need to somehow help them understand that this is not acceptable. I've told her that if she is feeling irritable and finds herself talking mean to us then she needs to spend sometime in her room until she feels like she can join the family and be nice. Is this all I can do? I feel like I should do more. Maybe it is the age, but my 8 yr.old is so moody and I want to be there for her, but at the same time let her know that it isn't okay to behave ugly to your family just because you are in a mood. I hope I'm making sense. Any ideas? Thanks, Christy

[Joanne]

I feel like alot of times when one of the kids has done something to the other that I do alot of lecturing that just goes in one ear and out the other. I don't want to force a sorry out of them, but at the same time there needs to be a consequence or reaction the the behavior. I'm talking mainly about hateful attitude. My oldest will be nasty to by youngest. I hear her talk ugly to her and she will admit that she is talking mean to her, but says she doesn't know why. I just need to somehow help them understand that this is not acceptable.

Okay, some quick thoughts..........

At her age, I am personally in support of logical and related consequences. That said, however, I am a bit concerned by your post that you are still thinking punitively or adversely. If that's the case, I want to encourage you to believe and learn to know that lack of punishment does not = permissive. :yes

If your dd is being disrespectful with her body or words, related amends can be with words or body. If she was physically hurtful, find a way for her to be physical helpful. If she was hurtful with her mouth, find a way for her to build up, edify, encourage, praise, thank, etc with her words. Consider also a study of the book of James or other related scripture. :yes

I think telling her that a choice to be disrespectful is *also* a choice to be alone is fine. She can return when she's ready to interact with respect.

[raisa]

ITA with Joanne -- it's fair to tell her that the standard in your family is politeness and respect, and if she needs a break then she can be in the other room. I'm uncomfortable with the words "ugly" and "nasty" to describe a child's behavior -- it implies a lot of contempt and detachment. I know that as I grew older I often felt awkward next to my cute little sister -- and craved connection and validation when I was acting like that. Hearing the word "ugly" and being isolated from the family won't help with this.

I would pay more attention to her "moodiness" and see if it happens at certain times, places, situations. Maybe some of that can be addressed proactively. I would also address her specific rudeness with specific scripts. Instead of "no ugly talk" you could say "That is sarcasm/mockery/ insulting/ namecalling. It is disrespectful. We have a higher standard than that in this family. You can say No Thankyou instead." For amends, you can say "those words hurt your sister. You need to make amends with kind and respectful words." Or, perhaps she could write her sister a note or help her with something (like if she was mocking her for being less able to do something) to make amends.

You also might want to privately reflect her feelings of being impatient, frustrated, embarrassed by the younger sibling, and let her know that in your family you respect each other's differences.

[mommyof3dds]

I agree with both of you. I think I am reacting punitively. I also don't care for the words ugly and nasty, but I have gotten into a bad habit of using them. So the next time there is a situation where my dd behaves that way then I should tell her that we need to treat those around us with respect and she may need to remove herself from the situation until she chooses to do so. Also help her to come up with ways to make amends. For instance if she has been disrespectful to me then help her find the words she should have used. Say to her "What could you have said that would have been a more respectful way to talk to me?" Should I ask her if she needs some time by herself and if she does then tell her to take that time and think how she can make amends with whoever either through her words or actions? Thank you guys for the advice. I just really want to take these situations and use them to teach my kids instead of getting frustrated and making it worse. I do know that the more in control of my emotions the more in control the kids will be. I think I've been taking these situations personally and feeling like I've failed to teach them somehow. I need to look at them as a chance to teach them.

[blessedMom]

Thank you Christy!

I, like you, find the need for self-control. You are not alone. And your words help me to see the opportunity instead of a bad situation. Christy, you have encouraged me with your words. Thank you!