I am becoming a "reverse bean dip" expert!! [Archive] - Gentle Christian Mothers Community

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~yogamom~

03-16-2006, 11:31 AM

So a lot of my mom friends are pretty mainstream (formula, CIO, etc.) and it is hard for me to deal with sometimes-- hearing them give each other advice on CIO, say things I don't agree with and in general make choices I wouldn't make. But they are my friends and I see them a lot at playgroups and such. Anyway, one friend of mine had been bf-ing, but I just found out today that she has been weaning her 6-mo old and he only nurses once a day now. Since she was one of my few bf-ing friends, I was sad to hear that she had decided to wean and also sad that she hadn't decided to nurse longer like I did (we talked about bf-ing a lot when her baby was younger and I supported her bf-ing when many of her friends told her to give up and use formula).

Anyway, all of this is to say that I am really glad I have GCM and had heard Crystal and Joanne warn against giving unsolicited advice before-- and I didn't do it! And I didn't really feel the compulsion to either, you know? I just "reverse bean dipped" as I call it-- changed the subject. I do that a lot when other moms bring up CIO and other similar approaches. And it just feels good to have boundaries-- just like it's no one's place to tell me to CIO or wean my dd unless I ask for advice, it's also not my place to give other parents unsolicited advice on their parenting choices. If they ask for advice, I am happy to share what I do and why, but that's that. I am also tryingto work on not getting my feelings hurt when they don't take my advice. I love my friends, I want to keep them, and it's ok that we don't make the same choices. I am going to a LLL meeting this month b/c I would like to find some moms whose choices are more in line with mine, but that's my issue, not my friends'.

So, thanks to GCM for helping me treat other moms the way I want to be treated by them! ;)

P.S. Mods, feel free to move. I couldn't figure out where this went, but thought this might be appropriate since it is referencing bean dip and boundaries???

Bonnie

03-16-2006, 01:22 PM

"Reverse bean dip." I like that.

raisa

03-16-2006, 02:01 PM

That is a great way to put it. I metaphorically eat a ton of my own bean dip. I have a hard time being gracious when I give unsolicited advice, and so often it's backfired. I will speak up and say "not me" or "I disagree," if it's appropriate. But I think punitive parents are often so tired and frustrated, it helps us all to have a loving listener as much as some well-meaning advice.

Radosny Matka

03-16-2006, 06:59 PM

ArmsOfLove

03-16-2006, 07:06 PM

that's so cool :) It took me a long time to figure that out and I still feel such sadness when people make certain decisions. It's definatley a skill :grin

Bonnie

03-16-2006, 07:31 PM

Tengokujin

03-17-2006, 02:48 AM

I metaphorically eat a ton of my own bean dip.

This is a very helpful mental picture for me. Instead of thinking of what should I/shouldn't I say, I can take a moment to have some bean dip until the urge to speak passes. :)

abbiroads

03-17-2006, 03:22 AM

I'm still learning to resist the urge to speak. I am glad you are having success!

Maggie

03-17-2006, 04:09 AM

I'm trying to get it...bear with me? :O Does this just mean that we're letting go of trying to control how other people do things? I don't think I can see CIO as just another parenting choice b/c I believe it's physically and emotionally harmful to babies.

Wonder Woman

03-17-2006, 05:35 AM

To me, it's not so much ignoring the harm that's being done as it is according their choices the same respect I demand my choices be treated with. Although, in my home, I don't allow children to be hit or be left to CIO. :think

More leading by example, and resisting the urge to call them a terrible insensitive parent.

I'm quick to jump in with an offer to help if they are obviously having a bad day, and I always look for a chance to say "this is what works for us" but I don't randomly dispense advice :shrug (or at least I try not to :oops )

~yogamom~

03-17-2006, 03:02 PM

:tu That's fantastic. And you know what this means...??? It means that you are now totally comfortable in the choices you are making for your family and no longer feel any need to defend your position. :highfive

Wow, that's really interesting! And I think it's true. :-)

Maggie, I agree that not all parenting choices are "equal". I do think CIO is harmful, and that making the *choice* to use formula when you can breastfeed (not moms who have to use formula for whatever reason) is not ideal either. That's why reverse bean dipping is difficult. But I am becoming a lot more comfortable now with the fact that others will make choices I find sad, and am able to resist the urge to suggest (however nicely) they change something that they don't see as a problem (which is what unsolicited advice often is). :hug

raisa

03-17-2006, 03:19 PM

Does this just mean that we're letting go of trying to control how other people do things?

Control? Yes. We can't control others. If we see children being abused or neglected, we have a duty to protect them by stepping in or reporting it.

But we're usually talking about a gray area, right? The inbetween ground -- Educating, mentoring, evangelizing? I'd say it depends. In some situations it might be appropriate to gently share an idea or mention a book. If it's already an open debate (online, or in a church parenting group) maybe it's appropriate to dive in with your GBD guns blazing. But, if it's a struggling parent, I'd think first of GBDing them -- what help do THEY need? Pray for guidance on how to reach them. Disapproval and lectures probably won't help. That's why my current effort is a simple "I disagree." Then they can lead by asking me for advice if they want. Or if they just want to vent I can listen. I can't agree and approve of what they're saying, but I can be silent with that mouthful of Joanne's Special Recipe Maybe-this-is-why-I'm-still-in-maternity-clothes Bean Dip :).