toddler at baby shower, what's age appropriate & EtL, DtD

[MaiMama]

I went to a baby shower & dd was the only kid there. I tried to take things to keep her occupied, but didn't do too great. I did ask the hostess for some crayons, and that helped for a while, but pretty much I felt like I was chasing her the whole time. And apologizing. A couple of times she got away from me. Once she turned the volume down, but the next she managed to turn it up and scare herself. It was expensive equipment, and I was greateful she didn't break anythig. I tried to move some things that were too tempting, but felt like I wasn't really welcome to do so, and I couldn't babyproof it in an instant. At the time I couldn't figure out how to do things any better, but when I got home I read a little "Easy to Love," and I could tell I was being passive, and just kind of acting like a victim. I was trying to allow her to be her age, but maybe that would have been either not going or trying to find someone to watch her instead of expecting that I could have a relaxing afternoon at a stranger's house with an 18 month old. We got there early because of where we were traveling from. She had slept in the car, but not a full two hours. I guess I should have just gone home, huh? Then it was so hard to get out of there because we had to put things back and throw away trash without having dd break anything. Sometimes I said things like, "we're not going to climb on that." I did manage (but had to) wrestle her down to get a sharpie away.

I think I set dd up to fail by putting her in a tough situation, (thinking I was doing the AP thing by being together), then thinking I'm being sensitive to what's age-appropriate, when it's really permissiveness that could flip flop. Is that what it sounds like to you?

What would you suggest?

In general, I am having a hard time figuring out how lots of the EtL, DtD and How to talk so kids will Listen.... applies to a 1.5 year old. I'm just not sure what to do with her when we do have to be in public. Hold her even when she wants down? Say she can only color & tackle her if she tries to do something else? Take her outside to get the energy out (even if it is 90 degrees in March)? Not be at a stranger's for 2.5 hours? :doh :doh

The thought didn't occur to me until it was too late that I should have asked if she could come. I just assume everyone knows that we're like peanut butter and jelly--always together. Was that bad? I just realized how long it's been since we've been to anyone else's house. Just one other shower at a fancy place. Most of our friends (and we've been to one's place since she was mobile) don't have fancy stuff. I guess I was thinking that if we're thinking about babies, the place would be safe for one. :shrug Guess not. :doh

[milkmommy]

Well if one could rewind time... I'd have called and asked if my toddler would have been welcomed and even if she said yes tried to find out if you'd be alone in bringing her and then eaither made arrangment to leave her with DH or a trusted friend or maybe just stop by for a few to say congrats and offer a gift or decline. I alos would have possiblly cut out early if I say my child wasn't doing well as its not only unfair for the child but for other adults not "used" toddlerism :giggle. As much as I'd like to say hey your just giving them an honest look at the future :shifty we do ned to remember this is their day.. I also think you did fine in the situation you were in.
One thing I might consider doing if possible f something like this comes up (as the other party agrees) bring a long a mothers helper someone there to play with and entertain your daughter hen shes not with you Send them outside or to color together ect, its might be a good compromise between having to miss out on everything or leaving her with a sitter.

Deanna

[raisa]

:hug

What a huge, exhausting day. I feel your frustration. Last week my childcare fell through and I brought 16 mo. DS to the hospital to wait with my mom while my dad was in surgery-- exactly like you described -- constant chasing him, pulling him off things, redirecting -- he can look at a book for 3 or 4 minutes straight which is GREAT for his age, but doesn't get you very far in that situation . . . ALL he wants to do is run from one thing to another, pick things up and ask what they are, tug at people and smile. For this age, that IS good behavior. I broke a sweat (he is 28 lbs and strong) and boy was I crabby.

With a family event or a baby shower, I'd ideally meet up with or bring an older child or teen who would be interested in helping (my 12 yo nieces love to do this). Or, I would bring a video and see if I could set him up somewhere (like in an adjoining room) that I could still keep an eye on him. It might have helped to ask in advance, because maybe they loved having her there and it just felt awkward because you were obviously upset and they didn't know how to help? It can be embarrassing but I wouldn't assume they were irritated. I'm sure most of them loved having her there.

I'm just not sure what to do with her when we do have to be in public. Hold her even when she wants down? Say she can only color & tackle her if she tries to do something else? Take her outside to get the energy out (even if it is 90 degrees in March)? Not be at a stranger's for 2.5 hours?

-I keep him in the stroller with a book for as long as I can

-I try to bring or enlist another person (DH, older child, friend or relative) in advance if possible -- saying "could you help by going to show him the fish tank?" Or show them how he plays "This Little Piggy" to get them to interact. Something specific.

-I would have four or five activities at the ready -- coloring, book, another book, toy, snacks, and something like my keys, camera or water bottle that DS would love to get his hands on -- then let him switch back and forth. Ideally set them on two nearby surfaces (like two chairs eight feet apart) and let him run back and forth.

-Stay playful. I had about lost it at the hospital, when my sister saved the day by buckling him in the stroller and taking off his shoes to play with, then his socks, then playing with his toes, then putting his socks on his hands. It was so refreshing to get new ideas (each one good for a full 30 seconds of entertainment :) )

-And yep, set them up for success and avoid situations where there's no child-safe area and you can't/won't be able to interact with her like she needs.

No toddler at this age is under absolute voice control. It can be so frustrating but I'd chalk it up to a learning experience.

[Learnin'2B]

:hug I just wanted to tell you I think we almost had the same afternoon! :hug

[Joanne]

I think I set dd up to fail by putting her in a tough situation, (thinking I was doing the AP thing by being together), then thinking I'm being sensitive to what's age-appropriate, when it's really permissiveness that could flip flop. Is that what it sounds like to you?

What would you suggest?

The phrase "thinking I was doing the AP thing by being together" jumped out at me. Let me *first* say that I am an AP parent and extremely so. With my first, I tried to fit the label, but with my next children, I used it as a guide and did what worked.

So, my encouragement to you is to not parent by label, but instead use what you've read and speaks to your heart, *filtered* through your own situation. That includes the specific situation you are dealing with, your DH, your personality and your child's personality.

In general, I am having a hard time figuring out how lots of the EtL, DtD and How to talk so kids will Listen.... applies to a 1.5 year old. I'm just not sure what to do with her when we do have to be in public. Hold her even when she wants down? Say she can only color & tackle her if she tries to do something else? Take her outside to get the energy out (even if it is 90 degrees in March)? Not be at a stranger's for 2.5 hours?

1) Stop worrying so much about "public". Prayerfully let go of the anxiety you have regarding how your choices reflect on you.

Hold her even when she wants down?

If "down" is a reasonable option, put her down. If it's not, hold her.

Say she can only color & tackle her if she tries to do something else?

If you are in a prolonged situation where this is the case, I'd leave. I remember 18 months being a time when sitting peacefully with my kids was not an option.


The thought didn't occur to me until it was too late that I should have asked if she could come. I just assume everyone knows that we're like peanut butter and jelly--always together. Was that bad?

Bad? No. Appropriate for our culture? No. :shrug I think there is a cut off somewhere in our culture where infants are welcome (or at least tolerated) but older babies are not at some events. I think 18 months old, in a strange place is definitely a poor match for you, your child and the guests.

This is totally my opinion, but I would not bring a child 1-10 to a mainstream, typical baby shower. The focus should be the mom and most of the guests expect to be attending a party without children. You (the general you) can argue all you want about whether that *should* be the case, I'm just stating that it currently is the case. I can comfortably argue that an infant age baby must be with mom, but I think that arrangements can be made for most 18 month old that work for everyone.

[Fern]

I have given up on going places (like other people's homes, or restaurants) with my kids if the point is for me to visit with other adults. I leave the kids with my dh or I don't go. It is far too stressful, and I feel like people are overwhelmed by my children.

I wouldn't have brought my 18 month old to a baby shower, but I know not to do that from having had an 18 month old before! :giggle I don't think you bringing her was "bad" at all.

It's just not fun for you or her to be at an event like that. It doesn't just set her up to fail, it sets you up to fail, or to feel like you've failed. We stupidly took our boys and our dd to a rehearsal dinner a few months ago. What a nightmare. Between the rehearsal and the dinner and the kids having to spend so much time being quiet and sitting or strapped in strollers or car seats, it was honestly one of the most stressful days of my life. It is just not worth it.

Also, I find that even our friends with children do not have their houses babyproofed to where I am comfortable sitting and having a conversation. Either their kids are a different age, or they have one who has always been good about not picking up the glass things on the coffee table (???), or they just never could have predicted the amount of damage that can be done by a couple of sturdy, inquisitive toddlers. So the fact that it was a baby shower makes the story even more amusing :giggle but I don't think you can ever count on someone else's house being appropriate for your toddler.

[MaiMama]

Thank you for your words of wisdom and comfort. I am certainly trying to view this incident as a learning experience, and I've made a few baby steps since.

mothers helper
I'd love one, and if you have a spare, send her my way! :tu :giggle In all seriousness, Trinity is the only grandkid, and we don't have much of a support system. Dh doesn't watch her--he works every waking hour trying to keep us from going bankrupt. We live far from church. We need to find more options for child care (or come-along helpers) as Trin gets older and Dos approaches, I agree. Not sure how to find one. I'll be :think

1) Stop worrying so much about "public". Prayerfully let go of the anxiety you have regarding how your choices reflect on you.

I haven't been able to read that statement without getting a little misty. I want so much to be a good mom, to be a good ambassador for gentle parenting. But by worrying about what people might think about what I'm trying to do, I stop focusing on what I need to do. You're right, the answer to that has to be prayer. Tough habit to break. I know I need to go back to the first chapter of EtL, DtD--it all begins with me.

It might have helped to ask in advance, because maybe they loved having her there and it just felt awkward because you were obviously upset and they didn't know how to help? It can be embarrassing but I wouldn't assume they were irritated. I'm sure most of them loved having her there.

I'm sure that my being flustered was apparent, and probably more disturbing than most of what Trin did.

Bad? No. Appropriate for our culture? No. I think there is a cut off somewhere in our culture where infants are welcome (or at least tolerated) but older babies are not at some events. I think 18 months old, in a strange place is definitely a poor match for you, your child and the guests.

I don't know if it had to do with being in Ghana, or not just really having much to do with mainstream society, or just having been to only Mommy things in the past year and a half, but I really didn't know that before. Does that rule pretty much apply for every invited occasion? (I'm just not used to polite society!!) There were babies when my shower was held by a mother, and there weren't when it was held by single friends. :shrug (Ahh, but not toddlers, and not even all the babies. Piecing it all together now.) Oh well, it doesn't matter--I know now. I'll base it on who it's for, and call and check if I need to. But this does tell me that I probably won't take her to a friend's wedding shower, at least without really thinking it through. I'm sure she'll be glad I'm figuring it out!

You're right about doing the "AP thing"--I don't always think through and make sure it's really working. We really are almost always together, but that doesn't mean that everyone knows that and agrees, or that it needs to be that way no matter what. I do need to be careful I'm doing what is right for my family & not just what I think I need to do to be a part of a club. I only read sears in the beginning, and I really wished I'd found y'all sooner, because I could have used some info about limits from the start. It doesn't come naturally to me at all, and I"m about to have to change some things as I expect Dos, and Trinity is not going to like it (and I won't like that).

It's just not fun for you or her to be at an event like that. It doesn't just set her up to fail, it sets you up to fail, or to feel like you've failed.

Yep. I think I need to arrange to have things a little different to avoid that (like people come over to our place after bedtime). But also, I need to go in with a clear head & be realistic.

Stay playful

I think that is really key. I missed it that day, but I remembered it Tuesday.

I go to a Tuesday night bf support group. The Tues before this all went down was quite tough, with dd getting into tiffs over toys, etc. But this week, I went in with extra toys & the determination that I would do
whatever I needed to for dd. She did fine in the group for a while, I intervened when I needed to, and then when she had had enough, we went and ran around on a platform with some of the other older toddlers. I played with them and we had a good time. Other weeks I had avoided doing that because I didn't want to miss out on the conversation, but I was rewarded (I think) because one of the moms of the other boisterous kids came over and we got to chat. It was very rewarding to do what needed to be done and detach from what I thought I deserved. So I'm learning. (Celebrating small vistories!!)

Anyway, thank you for thinking through this with me. I really appreciate it. :grouphug

[raisa]

But by worrying about what people might think about what I'm trying to do, I stop focusing on what I need to do. You're right, the answer to that has to be prayer. Tough habit to break.

I'm so with you. I've heard it said that we need reminders to be God-pleasing, not People-pleasing. I've had to literally visualize Jesus being IN the room with me in order to bring this home. If he was there in the room, sitting in the corner eating cake and watching the gifts being opened, what would HE think of your parenting? Usually when I think that, I smile because I feel like Jesus would get out of the chair and help me and my DS. Or, he might need to minister to someone in the room with a more important need, and that's good to remember too. But, he wouldn't sit back in judgment and criticize you -- at least, that's where I come out on this one.

[MaiMama]

But by worrying about what people might think about what I'm trying to do, I stop focusing on what I need to do. You're right, the answer to that has to be prayer. Tough habit to break.

I'm so with you. I've heard it said that we need reminders to be God-pleasing, not People-pleasing. I've had to literally visualize Jesus being IN the room with me in order to bring this home. If he was there in the room, sitting in the corner eating cake and watching the gifts being opened, what would HE think of your parenting? Usually when I think that, I smile because I feel like Jesus would get out of the chair and help me and my DS. Or, he might need to minister to someone in the room with a more important need, and that's good to remember too. But, he wouldn't sit back in judgment and criticize you -- at least, that's where I come out on this one.


See, this is so telling about my state, because when you said to imagine Jesus in the room, I figured he would be sad because I wasn't doing a good enough job honoring Him. :cry I know in my mind that that's not who He is, but that is what it feels like to me. :blush I much prefer your view of Him helping. Lord, let me believe it! :pray

[Fern]

But by worrying about what people might think about what I'm trying to do, I stop focusing on what I need to do. You're right, the answer to that has to be prayer. Tough habit to break.

I'm so with you. I've heard it said that we need reminders to be God-pleasing, not People-pleasing. I've had to literally visualize Jesus being IN the room with me in order to bring this home. If he was there in the room, sitting in the corner eating cake and watching the gifts being opened, what would HE think of your parenting? Usually when I think that, I smile because I feel like Jesus would get out of the chair and help me and my DS. Or, he might need to minister to someone in the room with a more important need, and that's good to remember too. But, he wouldn't sit back in judgment and criticize you -- at least, that's where I come out on this one.

That got me all misty-eyed. I do this sort of thing -- I'll get so flustered even if we're at a store and the kids aren't being bad at all, just whiney. In my head I know that other people's kids fussing never bothers me, and it didn't before I had children, either. But for some reason I have this emotional reaction like I'm embarrassed, and I end up being unkind and unsympathetic to my kids. Or even if I manage to act like I'm being kind to them, inside I'm just wishing they'd be quiet so I can shop by price instead of grabbing the first thing I see, and I am paranoid that other people are thinking about what a bad parent I am. I'm so focused on the wrong things.