Need some help (ideas/suggestions regarding 3 yr old)

[cheri_TX]

Let me start by saying that I just implemented gentle discipline this year and so I am new at walking it out and HOW to actually do that in certain situations. My thing is how do you handle the meltdown process? My 3 year old pushes buttons and boundaries that my older two never did. He will wag his finger saying ''NO". If I ask him to stop he will ''mimic'' in that ''neener neener'' voice. I have been using a ''thinking chair'' when these things happen (and I know that is probably not right...but honestly I have to do something...again I'm here for suggestions) anyway, any form of correction is met with YELLING and SCREAMING and kicking and just that general meltdown/tantrum. (as I sit here he was just told no he could not have a yogurt right now, and he screamed adn threw the container). I don't know how to walk out gentle discipline in these instances...I mean I have four children, my hubby is currently on a 6 week detail in Arizona. I just really feel like I'm hitting my head against the wall. HELP

[Chris3jam]

I'm not ignoring you. . . .just thinking of the best way to answer! :think (We have total meltdowns here, too!)

I will say that it sounds very much like you have a really intense child, there!

BBL ====

[Cindy]

I didn't catch on to GBD until dd was past the toddler years, so I am :popcorn

[Heather Micaela]

I understand :hug I started the Gbd journey a year ago when my ds was 3.

Have you tried reflecting his feelings?

"You are angry that mommy is asking you to stop"

(Honestly, my ds has horrible meltdowns and I am looking into the fact that he may have special needs.)

But remember, he is adjusting to a new form of discipline too. It WILL get worse before it gets better.

Check out some of the "stickys" in this forum and they will give you a good starting point. You may also cant to check out Crystal's pace at www.aolff.org , it has a lot of great info. Her book is a great read to, if you can afford to but resources right now

Oh - have a ton of links listed in my blog too (it is in my siggy)


We are here for you whenever you need help or just to vent.

[MarynMunchkins]

I have kids like that. :) It's exahusting! :hug

For right now, since you are changing your entire style of discipline, I would focus on the actions and not so much on the attitude/words. For me, the throwing yogurt would be a bigger deal than saying "no". After all, his saying it doesn't mean it's going to happen. ;)

For the yogurt, I'd say "Food is not for throwing. Go pick it up." Then I'd use the 5 Steps (see the sticky) to help him. If he's like my kids, and sits on the floor saying "You can make me" :rolleyes, I'd physically move him to the yogurt, take his hand in mine, pick up the yogurt, and physically move him back to the fridge to put it away. And then say "Thanks for picking up the yogurt." ;) "You can have a snack when you can ask nicely."

The words/attitude would probably just get "That's disrespectful to me. I don't like it. You may say '__' instead." I do have my kids go sit in the comfort corner if they can't be respectful towards me. :)

[Joanne]

He will wag his finger saying ''NO". If I ask him to stop he will ''mimic'' in that ''neener neener'' voice. I have been using a ''thinking chair'' when these things happen (and I know that is probably not right...but honestly I have to do something...again I'm here for suggestions) anyway, any form of correction is met with YELLING and SCREAMING and kicking and just that general meltdown/tantrum. (as I sit here he was just told no he could not have a yogurt right now, and he screamed adn threw the container).

It sounds like he needs you to read "Raising Your Spirited Child". :yes

I would start, during non conflict moments, actually practicing "respectful" voices. Eventually I also tell my kids that the answer to anything not asked politely is "no". (I also have this rule for noise while I am on the phone).

It sounds like a child who needs some *acceptable to you* flexibility. In that case, I'd give him a do-over for his voice and response. I would also be selective about your firm decision (such as no yogurt).

I would designate an area of the house for screaming/yelling and tell him that he may *feel* anything but that the rest of you will protect your ears and bodies and moods from his reaction.

For things like thrown yogurt containers, he'd have to return it to the fridge or clean up the mess. The natural/logical consequence to a wasted yogurt is a gone yogurt. That's worth considering. The problem is that a hungry child with big emotions makes things worse, not better.

[ArmsOfLove]

I have found with each of my children at 3.5 I have to get out the Playful Parenting ideas (Cohen's book is great) and realize that they are trying to be social and fun and imaginative and play at their roles. They are asking how much power they have over others and their world and that can *feel* aggressive to others as they push and disrespect boundaries.

Routine
Playfulness
Firm boundaries that are reasonable for the age and child
LOTS of deposits in their love banks :tu
The ability to not take things personally ;)
Practicing and lots of teaching of what is appropriate and acceptable
Routine

:grin

[cheri_TX]

Thank you ladies. I will for sure check out the sticky topics. I have in the past read the 5 steps and have been trying to put them into place, and Elijah (3) has had the least corporal correction of the kids. I think honestly that is what I am dealing with ... NOT the spanking part...but the ''spoiled'' part. Heh! With our kids there are two years in between them..until Elijah..and we thought he may be our last and so we all have catered to him. He is not a bad kid by any stretch. He is very sweet and mild mannered, until he is told NO to something he wants ( which is typical of any kid, I know) Anyway...this is all new and I am so thankful to have this resource. What I find most frustrating is for example him running away. Today I was holding the baby trying to get her down for a nap while fixing lunch. Elijah proceeds to pester and poke and just annoy his older brother. I asked him to stop, ask him if he wanted to come in and help me. Offered some other options for him. But nope he wanted to annoy the older brothers. LOL In the end...he ended up hitting his brother (not in meaness...if that makes sense...it was just the esclation of his play) and so I leave the ktichen to come to him and he proceeds to run from me and run from me. (all the while I have the baby on my hip sleeping) That's the kind of thing that WEARS me out. And I keep thinking I cannot have him running from me, say in a parking lot or such. I'm off to read sticky's and look up info on the suggested books.

OH and I have been reading to him individually during the day/night. I am reading Narnia to the older boys (and elijah sits in there too) but I am reading to him specifically too, giving lots of hugs and kisses, letting him be a helper and giving praise. Again. THANK YALL!

[The Tickle Momster]

He sounds like my son. :hug2 I have been meaning to type out a similar post just haven't had time. Can I hijack yours to ask another question? How do you bring them down from those tantrums? I've tried holding, bear hugging, leaving him alone, etc. The only thing that works really well is reading a book to him. He'll get interested and calm down. But then I cannot talk to him about his big feelings or behavior. Do we just move on? Thanks!

[Wholly Mama]

I've been a GBD parent for 3 years now, and I'm still dealing with this too. Intense child + being three years old = big, explosive feelings.
I'm needing to constantly remind myself not to be dragged into his big feelings, otherwise he will hold every one captive.
No real advice, as I'm looking for more solutions as well, but wanted to offer :hug since I'm right there with you!