I'm at my wit's end!!!

[NayneeNoo]

Ok, as I stated in my reintroduction, I've not always been a gentle mommy :blush, but I so want to change that. Hope is 18 months old and I'm at my wit's end with her. She is a VERY strong willed child (above and beyond that of a normal toddler) and I'm going crazy dealing with her every day.

I don't believe in spanking, though I've found myself out of pure frustration reaching out to pop her on the rear. As I catch myself doing that, I get frustrated with myself and just give in to her b/c I feel guilty. Sooooo then we tried time outs...one minute at a time, but we wouldn't do them often. I know that can't be right either b/c it just makes her throw herself on the floor screaming her head off.

What do I do? I've tried redirection, she just turns around and goes right back to what she was doing. We've even gone to a different floor of the house and she just stands at the gate at the top of the stairs screaming b/c I took her away from what she wanted to do. I've tried singing songs as a distraction, offering some cuddle time (at which point she uses her head as a weapon and bangs it up against my chest and throat)....I just don't know what to do.

:banghead I do not want to be the mom that screams all the time, or threatens "just wait until your father gets home!" Although I didn't get many spankings as a child, I do distinctly remember my dad telling us to "assume the position" (like we were being frisked---he's a police officer). *sigh* She's still so little, so I know she doesn't understand too much, but I do know she understands pushing mommy's limits--b/c she'll look at me and grin before she does something she knows she's not supposed to do. (for example, pull DH's Playstation off the entertainment center--apparently the crashing sound it makes is fun)

Also, what do I do when she throws a temper tantrum b/c I tell her she can't have a cookie at 8 in the morning...do I ignore her? I've tried offering alternatives (a piece of wheat bread, fruit, cheese, even breakfast bars), but that just makes her even more angry. Help!!!

[Joanne]

Hopesmommy,

The first thing I suggest is reading about developmental stages. I'd read the Ilg and Ames books on "Your One" and "Your Two" year old.

Honestly, I hope this does not upset you, but she sound quite normal and not "more" than other toddlers. Is it possible you have unrealistic expectations of everything it takes to parent a child that age. It might help to also remind yourself that if you did spank, you'd be doing so with the frequency that you are redirecting. Spanking won't end or stop her drive to explore, learn, observe and create.

In fact, given the anger and frustration that builds in you, spanking (or other punishment) would be a poor choice -even if you believed in it - because you'd be at risk for doing it with increasing force and anger.

Parenting a child that age is *all* about supervision, redirection and building routine. It can be tiring and tedious. Adding spanking to it doesn't make it go away faster.

Coming back to add that I respond respectfully to my child's reactions to a limit, but not with a rush to change their feelings. If my child has a tantrum over a limit (No, you can't pull the playstation down), I mostly ignore the tantrum as long as the expression is not public and no person or property is getting hurt.

I also don't rush to use alternatives/choices in order to placate. I will offer an acceptable alternative or two, but other than that, I let it go.

[Jemma2]

Also, what do I do when she throws a temper tantrum b/c I tell her she can't have a cookie at 8 in the morning...do I ignore her? I've tried offering alternatives (a piece of wheat bread, fruit, cheese, even breakfast bars), but that just makes her even more angry. Help!!!

I know this is just one aspect of what you're saying. What I found worked with my DD at that age and a little older was to safely put her on the floor (so she couldn't hurt herself), and just calmly sit near her. Eventually she would want me to comfort her and then I could pick her up. I found that these were times when distracting and validating didn't work. Anything I tried to actually do for her made it worse. It was better when I was simply there for her, close and nearby. Then in her timing she could ask for comfort and I'd be there to give it to her. It's like she just had to let it all out before she could accept anything from me.

And quite honestly I did a lot of praying for her during this time. Asking God to help her through this challenging time of growing up when she doesn't understand and when she goes through such big emotion. I think that alone helped me to change my attitude about it all and be more understanding when she was tantruming.

[NayneeNoo]

Is it possible you have unrealistic expectations of everything it takes to parent a child that age.


As far as the strong willed comment, I'm going off of my experience working with 18-24 month olds in daycare for 2 years. She is more strong willed than I ever experienced working with the kids (8 of them) from 6am until 5pm at a daycare.

Also, I catch myself about to spank her...I have not made contact with a little leg or rear--but I do find myself reaching back to do so and then catching myself. I apologize if I did not make that clear enough.

[NayneeNoo]

I know this is just one aspect of what you're saying. What I found worked with my DD at that age and a little older was to safely put her on the floor (so she couldn't hurt herself), and just calmly sit near her. Eventually she would want me to comfort her and then I could pick her up. I found that these were times when distracting and validating didn't work. Anything I tried to actually do for her made it worse. It was better when I was simply there for her, close and nearby. Then in her timing she could ask for comfort and I'd be there to give it to her. It's like she just had to let it all out before she could accept anything from me.


Thanks, I'll try this next time.

[Joanne]

As far as the strong willed comment, I'm going off of my experience working with 18-24 month olds in daycare for 2 years. She is more strong willed than I ever experienced working with the kids from 6am until 5pm at a daycare.

I'm a former daycare owner and operater. :) I can say that my experience with my own children is entirely different than those I watched for pay - even if they were with me for 12 hours a day. It's a different relationship, and my children's behavior feels different to me. Dealing with children in a daycare is easier than one of my own.

She really sounds quite typical.

Also, I catch myself about to spank her...I have not made contact with a little leg or rear--but I do find myself reaching back to do so and then catching myself. I apologize if I did not make that clear enough.

No, I understood that correctly. I got that you stopped yourself. My point was that your impulse and desire to spank speaks to a need *not* to. :yes :no

[NayneeNoo]

My point was that your impulse and desire to spank speaks to a need *not* to. :yes :no



Sorry if I sound dense, but I'm not sure I quite understand what you mean by this (in bold)? :shrug :shifty

[AmyDoll]

When you're reading the Ames and Ilg books that Joanne recommends you'll find that toddlers don't have impulse control. So, it's not that she's "defying" you by pulling the playstation off the entertainment center - she can't help herself. You *can* help her by making her world safe for her to explore - by moving things like the playstation (ours is in a cupboard out of reach and dh gets it out when he plays) until she gains more control over herself.
At the same time, you want to continue to be *very* hands on - gently redirecting her to appropriate activities - if she likes loud noises, then give her the opportunity to make loud noises. If she's climbing on furniture inappropriately, give her the chance to climb appropriately and well supervised.
If you're not already reflecting her feelings - she might appreciate your giving her the words she doesn't yet have to describe her BIG feelings - "You're sad because Mommy said 'No Cookie' Mommy says you CAN have a banana. You like bananas too. We'll have cookies after lunch"
"The playstation makes a big crash - it's dangerous to pull on big things!" This coffee can full of beans makes a big noise, too. Let's play!"

You might also want to look at books on Play - Playful Parenting, Your Child At Play ages 1 & 2 - these books will give you some ideas on the skills she's working on both cognitively and physically.

I do agree too, that your child seems like a very healthy and active 18m old. A daycare center setting is a much more controlled environment - where most everything in the classroom is OK to touch - much different than a family home setitng. The behaviors you've described don't sound like "more" than a typical child her age. Getting a better handle on reasonable expectations and day to day management will help.

:hug
Amy

[lumpofclay]

Wow. I feel a little stressed out just reading your post. I know you are feeling that way too.

It sounds like your DD is screaming for limits, and you are having a hard time gently, firmly setting limits (without being punitive or permissive).

To address a couple of specific things you posted...


What do I do? I've tried redirection, she just turns around and goes right back to what she was doing. We've even gone to a different floor of the house and she just stands at the gate at the top of the stairs screaming b/c I took her away from what she wanted to do. I've tried singing songs as a distraction, offering some cuddle time (at which point she uses her head as a weapon and bangs it up against my chest and throat)....I just don't know what to do.


It sounds like she's having some big feelings, and you're unsure how to handle them. :shrug Is that right? With our first, I was so desirous of her being able to express her emotions, that I allowed her to express them even in inappropriate ways....because I understood that I wanted her to be able to express them, but I had no idea how to help her express them "correctly" or how to help her move on or how to set any limits. She has really learned as I've learned. Is there anything you do that she does respond to? You mentioned cuddles. Have you tried a comfort corner? Are you still nursing? You mentioned distraction...is there a particular activity that she is more easily distracted to? (outside play, coloring, books, etc.)


She's still so little, so I know she doesn't understand too much, but I do know she understands pushing mommy's limits--b/c she'll look at me and grin before she does something she knows she's not supposed to do. (for example, pull DH's Playstation off the entertainment center--apparently the crashing sound it makes is fun)


You're right. She is still so very little. I disagree that she understands pushing your limits. She's 18 months old. She's just starting to realize she is her own person...she isn't trying to push your limits. Of course she grins when she pulls the Playstation down. Crashing down does make a nice fun noise to an 18 month old. Seeing Mommy's reaction can also be fun.


Also, what do I do when she throws a temper tantrum b/c I tell her she can't have a cookie at 8 in the morning...do I ignore her? I've tried offering alternatives (a piece of wheat bread, fruit, cheese, even breakfast bars), but that just makes her even more angry. Help!!!


Why is she even seeing a cookie at 8 am? Are they on the counter? Is someone else eating one? If so, keep them out of her sight and go straight to breakfast foods upon awakening.

Oh, and ITA with the PPs that she sounds like a typical 18 month old.

:hug

[MarynMunchkins]

18 months is an exhausting age. :)

The key to redirection is to make what you want her to do more appealing than what she wants to do. Often, sitting and playing with her for 5 minutes is enough to keep her distracted. I found that out by kid #3. ;)

[NayneeNoo]

Well, poo, I had a reply all written out and for some reason it didn't submit...let me try again.


It sounds like she's having some big feelings, and you're unsure how to handle them. :shrug Is that right? Is there anything you do that she does respond to? You mentioned cuddles. Have you tried a comfort corner? Are you still nursing? You mentioned distraction...is there a particular activity that she is more easily distracted to? (outside play, coloring, books, etc.)


Yes, you're right. She's having big feelings and I haven't a clue how to handle them. She's not responding to cuddles b/c she hates to be confined in a lap or arms, I only nursed for a month (stupid me--live and you learn, right? There's always next time), and every activity we've tried so far doesn't do the trick (dancing, running around, coloring, reading books, outside play, fingerplays). I feel like it will seem I'm being difficult, but I've seriously tried everything and nothing is working. :banghead


Why is she even seeing a cookie at 8 am? Are they on the counter? Is someone else eating one? If so, keep them out of her sight and go straight to breakfast foods upon awakening.


She's not seeing cookies, she's remembering them from when she last had them. We thought out of sight, out of mind would do the trick, but it's not. She asks for them all day long, but we never have them out for her to see them. We sit down for breakfast right after her first diaper change in the morning. :hissyfit

[OpalsMom]

Yes, you're right. She's having big feelings and I haven't a clue how to handle them. She's not responding to cuddles b/c she hates to be confined in a lap or arms, I only nursed for a month (stupid me--live and you learn, right? There's always next time), and every activity we've tried so far doesn't do the trick (dancing, running around, coloring, reading books, outside play, fingerplays). I feel like it will seem I'm being difficult, but I've seriously tried everything and nothing is working. :banghead


OK, how about trying nothing? Well, not exactly nothing, but as little as possible. You say "Boy! You really, really want that cookie! You're MAD." You offer a distraction or 2 that's OK with you, as if it was a matter of no importance at all. "If you want to color, your crayons are over there. And there's a banana you could have, if you're interested." And you move on about your business. Maybe you stay within reach. Maybe you suggest a place where she can go when she's really upset (one of the kids in daycare has a designated pillow she can lie on when she needs to wail, where she's out of the way but close by so she can easily come back when she's ready to). But if she's upset, she can be upset. Note: this would be really mean and horrible for some kids. My kid needs a cuddle in a lot of situations. But kids who don't need cuddles sometimes just need space, and then the nice thing to do is to give it to them. And with DD it's absolutely essential that she doesn't feel pressured. (Not that she's my child or anything. Nah. I'd never do stupid pointless things just because I felt pressured to do smart things. At least hardly ever. Now that I'm all grown up I just WANT to.)

[MLBoys3]

Just wanted to offer you a :hug !!!
I have two strong-willed boys and can totally empathize. I am going through a period where I feel like nothing is working either. I have been feeling so angry all the time and I see anger becoming a problem in my children as well. I am reading a VERY good book on anger right now that has convicted me on so many levels as to why I am feeling totally discouraged and "at my wit's end". Having grown up in a non-Christian, "disfunctional" home, I tend to read a lot in order to be the best parent I can be. This book has been an answer to prayer for me. It has also uncovered some of the sin that was keeping me from learning to be the best parent that I can be. God has shown me through this book that I have been relying too much on non-Christian parenting books, principles and influences that I have lost the most important "tool" that I have - Jesus and God's Word. He has reminded me that all my "tools" should be in-line with His Word and given with His blessing. I am really enjoying the peace that I am getting from these reminders and through lots of faith and prayer. I have added some new GBD Christian parenting books to my "toolbox" as well and I hope to get some good insight from them! :) I thought I would share this revelation with you, not because I think you are angry or suffering from anger issues, but because I think this might be an issue for many of us that are trying to practice attachment/GBD parenting, while maintaining a God-centered home as opposed to a child-centered home. In my situation, our home is so completely child-centered, that our home has become off balance and I'm certain that God is not pleased with me :( God willing, I am determined to make my home God-centered and to train my children to be Christ-like while maintaining an attached/GBD parenting style! :) :pray
Melissa

[NayneeNoo]

Thank you everyone. Melissa, what book is it that you are reading? I am an avid reader and will plow through anything I can get my hands on. :-) I have not had the chance to try the "do nothing" strategy yet, as my husband has been taking care of DD the past two mornings while I prepare for a visit from my brother, but tomorrow will be a new day and I am going to try it. Hopefully it will work. Thanks again everyone. :grouphug

[MLBoys3]

Hello :)
The book that I am reading is called The Heart of Anger by Lou Priollo. I have not read any of his other books and do not know a lot about him. So far, this book has not touched upon discipline methods, but I get the feeling that he is of the corporal/punitive discipline arena. He does list "Shepherding a Child's Heart" as a recommended book, which I do believe supports corporal punishment, but I am not positive on that. As far as the book itself, it is great for a truly biblical look on what causes/feeds anger in ourselves and in our children. I think a lot of the information is good for ourselves as parents and to be thinking about in these early parenting days, but a lot of his ideas seem to be more geared toward older children. He suggests using Anger Journals and Heart Journals which I think would definitely give us a better perspective of what might be going on with our own anger, but when we are talking about small children, I don't think it's always so easy to put into words or evaluate - especially when they are so young that they don't even understand their own emotions. Once I have finished the book and can honestly say he does not advocate corporal punishment in this book (regardless of other books he may have written), I think I might start a thread on the book and see what others have thought.
I hope all is well! :)