Ok - so she's only 14 months - WWYD?

[Beyond Blessed]

I hoping that I'm doing this right - this is the first child we've AP'd/GBD'd since birth. Everyone (family) is expecting me to spank her for this! :sad2

Audrey will walk up next to another toddler (even a larger pre-schooler), pull their shirt really hard so they fall, and then pull their hair. All the while, she has a *huge* grin on her face. Her brothers and sister play fairly roughly with her and I really feel that it's coming from that (though, they do *not* pull her hair). She does this mostly to her almost 2yo cousin - even pulling her out of toddler seats while she's sitting at a low table for the kids during dinnertime. Even to my 35lb nephew! (Who, incidentally fell right on top of her - ummm... :shifty can anyone say "natural consequences".

I'm constantly right there with "Oh, you want to kiss her? Touch her softly." "We play with each other softly" "Soft touch, Audrey" "That hurts Zoe, touch her softly". (We use "softly" right now instead of "gentle" because we talk about how soft her stuffed animals are and I figure she has a chance of at least drawing on that experience. We are starting to interchange the words, using them at the same time though). I'm a busy mama when we all get together. :phew I can't just sit - at *all*. :phew :phew :phew When we do have to re-direct - which is most of the time because she continues with rough interaction - she screeches like I'm taking away her favorite toy. :doh

What can I do different? Or do I just have to press on till she outgrows this?

[OpalsMom]

What is she trying to do when she does that? How can she do it that's OK? Does the soft touch seem to satisfy her needs? (i.e. is she just forgetting that she's supposed to do it, or is she abandoning it as an unsuccessful strategy).

My approach is derived from the one daycare uses, and you're using part of it. While you are fixing the problem, you stay right on top of the child. You have 2 goals: figure out WHY they're doing whatever it is and PREVENT them from doing it. Not react to it, but stop it. You say "You may not .... That hurts. If you want to .... you can .... " If they actually succeed in hurting another child, you take them some distance away to do the speech, and you explain "You can't play with people if you're going to hurt them. You need to do something else now." Yeah, screeching usually results. That's not the point, but it's not a problem. (If screeching doesn't result, then you've figured out why the kid lashes out; they need space!)

Aside from making sure you're offering strategies that meet her needs, all you can do is keep on intervening until she gets it. In a daycare environment, it takes about a week of doing this as much as the caretakers can stand (they get tired, too, and then they divvy up the kids so that the problem goes away for a while). It probably takes longer when you haven't got four people who can trade off and 8 hours a day... I'd also look for amusements you can use for a break (something she'll happily do away from the other kids; even if you have to be involved there's a rest in just not having to correct for a while. Reading a book to her, swinging on a swing, riding a rocking horse, coloring on an easel, eating in a highchair...)

[Soliloquy]

Pretty much what OpalsMom wrote . . . 14 months is still so young. Encourage your other children to play gently with her, too. Explain that she doesn't know how to tell when an action hurts someone else, so everyone has to model gentle touches with her. She will outgrow it and/or grow into the ability to understand better the limits you're trying to set. In the meantime, don't leave her out of your reach when she's around other toddlers--I know this will make certain activities difficult--it might be easiest to limit your social engagements for awhile. During family meals, will she sit in a high chair? At least that way you can eat for a bit before chasing her . . .

When Gracie does an inappropriate touch, we use simple two-word sentences and then immediately re-direct. "No pinch." Then I give her something to hold so her hands are busy.

As far as the family that wants you to spank her :mad just remember how ridiculous it would be to try to teach her to be gentle by hitting her. Check the quote in my siggie!

[Beyond Blessed]

Well, she happily "softly" kisses on her cousin (we when can get her cousin to be brave enough to sit still for it - poor thing). But then she just as happily grabs her hair. I really think that she thinks she's playing with them - I'm not trying to be blind to my child's behavior and see bad as "good" - but I really do think she's playing - it's my educated guess based on her personality and extreme lovingness! I don't think she's forgetting, because she's never really "getting" it to begin with. I think it's an unsuccessful strategy because of her experience (being played rough with) and her age.

When we are with family we do a lot of extra nursing, playing clapping games, eating in the highchair (as long as she's happy! This is *not* a punishment - just a break for a weary mama. :O), and encouraging the poor skittish cousins to maybe play in the playroom for awhile - that or stay on high ground. :giggle

She has this thing for pulling hair. Even mine if I try to sleep in in the morning. :doh She thinks it's hilarious. We've *never* laughed. Always gently and firmly told her "soft touch" and demonstrated it by gently moving her hand on my hair and my hand on her hair.



Was about to post and saw Lisa's:
I am trying to encourage my other children to play/interact with her in a gentler manner. Really trying. I *think* they're getting better with it - but now she's instigating rough play with them. :doh I do feel that we have to limit social things - one of my worst is the hour we are at Jeanna's ballet class - I may just have to leave instead of sit in the waiting room for that hour - poor little toddler friends.

I've been firm in telling my family that I will *not* spank her to teach her to be gently - that *is* ridiculous! Just want to be sure that I'm doing all I can to help her learn.

[Soliloquy]

yeah, it sure does sound like you're doing everything you can . . . :hug

[OpalsMom]

Well, she happily "softly" kisses on her cousin (we when can get her cousin to be brave enough to sit still for it - poor thing). But then she just as happily grabs her hair. I really think that she thinks she's playing with them - I'm not trying to be blind to my child's behavior and see bad as "good" - but I really do think she's playing - it's my educated guess based on her personality and extreme lovingness! I don't think she's forgetting, because she's never really "getting" it to begin with. I think it's an unsuccessful strategy because of her experience (being played rough with) and her age.


Oh dear -- I didn't mean to imply that she was being bad, or wanting to do anything bad. Just that maybe the gentle options weren't exciting enough, or didn't have enough motion, or whatever. If she wants to play, maybe you can get them to play some active, big motion games that are OK? Can her cousins play pat-a-cake (or even High Five) or ring-around-a-rosie?


She has this thing for pulling hair. Even mine if I try to sleep in in the morning. :doh She thinks it's hilarious. We've *never* laughed. Always gently and firmly told her "soft touch" and demonstrated it by gently moving her hand on my hair and my hand on her hair.


I think I'd go for Joanne's idea that if that boundary is a problem, it may be time to move it back. No touching hair; she can't deal with it. Adults make that kind of decision too; I can't eat just one of those, better not buy them...

[Beyond Blessed]

Oh Opal - *you* didn't make me feel like she's doing anything "bad" - my family feels it's "bad". :hug

I will have to try some more active stuff - great idea! She loves Ring-Around-The-Rosie ( :think Is *this* why she pulls everyone down???) and loves clapping games - we'll try this!