Going out of my mind. HELP.

[BHope]

I've started and deleted this post, several times. I just can't get out what I really intend to say, without getting bogged down in the little nitty gritty stuff.

Mostly, I'm frustrated. Overwhelmed. My oldest (27 months) has begun to flat out defy me. She has this new thing where she'll choose to do something that she knows get's my goat, and then taunt me. For example. Changing the channel on the TV. She'll stand, with her finger on the button, and wait for me to notice. And then as soon as I even begin to say "stop" she'll push buttons like mad. Stopping only when I get up and make her stop. Transfer this basic taunting to EVERYTHING she's been told not to play with, mess with, touch, or do. (If we're in the garage she'll play with the push mower, in the kitchen she'll punch buttons on the dishwasher... etc)

It sounds cute. But it's not. She does it ALL DAY LONG. By the time her afternoon nap rolls around I'm absolutely on the verge of loosing control. Not only do I find myself feeling angry, but I often am not sure I even like to be around her. Makes me sad to say that out loud. :cry So, you can imagine, how afternoon nap times go. Lot's of me hollering at her to "Lay down!" or "Close your eyes!" and her twiddling her toes straight up in the air while singing
nonsense songs.

P.S. If anyone has any gentle nap solutions. PLEASE, I need them. What we've got going isn't working. DD1 is High Needs, High Energy. She is constantly going and doing. She jabbers non-stop, plays non-stop. I've had people suggest just having her lay down for an hour and not worry about sleep. Or have her sit on the bed and read. I don't think they get it. She won't do anything seditary. She walks while she reads. Eats on a run... She certainly doesn't lie down on her own, not unless you are right next to her enforcing the lying down. And stay in her room by herself? That's just asking for a battle.

Today we went to the post office to mail out a package and pick up 2 cent stamps. We couldn't have been in there for 10 minutes. (Would've been more like 5 minutes had DD1 bothered to mind.) In that amount of time she managed to completely strip me of all shred of authority that I may have perceived having. She ran around like a lunatic. I tried having her help with the baby, but she'd either get too aggressive, or she'd care less. I told her to sit on the floor next to me, and she took off her shoes and THREW THEM AT PEOPLE! I ended up holding her, and rocking DD2 in the carseat at my feet while I tried to punch numbers at the debit machine. Meanwhile, as I'm holding her, she's yanking envelopes off the desk and throwing them to the floor. :hissyfit

Before we had even gone to the post office I'd fed her, gave her a drink. Changed her diaper. We'd had a talk about how big girls behave in the store, and about holding hands while we wait in line. It all went out the window while at the post office.

THEN when I come home she throws an absolute fit. Saying, "No go! go! go!" She didn't want to come home. I had initially wanted to take the girls to the park, but after the Post Office stunt, I didn't have the energy. DD1 didn't know that though, she just wanted to go somewhere other then back to the house. I tried to talk to her about her behavior at the store, but mostly it whent in one ear and out the next. She was too upset about not getting to "go."

Did I mention that I am really starting to dread being around her.

Oh, not all the time. But definately today. Today I am soo over being a mom.

One more thing.

She says "huh" to everything. I know it's just a bad habit she's picked up. But it practically boils my blood to ask something and hear, "huh?" as a response. Especially when you challenge her on it, and she can tell you exactly what you said. She just chose to respond with "huh."

[Cheyenne]

I don't have much advice. She is still so so young. Some have mentioned playful parenting before. There is a book about that. What kind of things do you do with her each day at home? Have you looked into possible dietary causes of hyperactivity and restlessness? Maybe she is going down for her nap overstimulated and overtired. I really am not sure since I can only go by your description. She may be able to repeat your words, but repeating is different than understanding. Maybe she doesn't understand what you want her to do, but if you ask her to repeat what you say, she can do that. Someone could tell me a short scientific or mathamatical sentence and I may be able to repeat it word for word, but I may not have a clue what it means. You may need to speak slower and use smaller words and show her what you want her to do. Try not to get so frustrated with her. She may seem older because her sibling is so much smaller, but she is still very very young. It is easy when we have a young baby to see the older sibling as so much bigger and forget how young they really are. I hope I helped a little. I feel rather inadequate compared to many others here. :hugheart

[BHope]

I'm feeling a little better this evening. After typing that we all went to the park. It was good to get out. I know there are a lot of things she's having to adjust to. The last 6 months have been nothing but change, change, change for her. Talk about complete inconsistancy in her life.

Our days center around a basic schedule: 7:30 everyone awake, diaper changes, breakfast. 12:00 lunch, 1:00-2:00-ish nap. 6:00 dinner, and bedtime starts at 8:30. We have snacks through out the day. Plus she's still nursing. So I know it's not hunger. Although food allergy could be a possibilty.

We don't have an awful lot of other 'structure' during the day. Since moving to TX we don't have any playgroups in the area that we know of. So she's essentially devoid of ANY contact with other kids her age. Plus we've been unpacking the new house. So really all my baby free time has been cleaning, unpacking, organizing, cleaning.

As far as understanding me goes. The reason I know she understands what I'm asking, is not necessarily because she can repeat the words back. It's because as soon as I do "get off your butt parenting" she'll race to do exactly what I've asked her to do.

Example:
Me: "Dd1, pick up your blocks and put them in the bucket."
DD1: Stares at me blankly...
Me: "You need to pick up your blocks."
DD1: "huh?"
Me: "Mommy will help you pick up your blocks." Standing up.
DD1: Races to go pick up her blocks.

It's exhausting.

I'm trying to remember that she's just turned 2 in December. But I'll be honest, I see her doing things now, that she didn't do a month ago. (In regards to acting defiant, and the taunting thing.) What is that? Is that normal? Why is she doing it?

[Cheyenne]

I'm feeling a little better this evening. After typing that we all went to the park. It was good to get out. I know there are a lot of things she's having to adjust to. The last 6 months have been nothing but change, change, change for her. Talk about complete inconsistancy in her life.


This right there is enough to bring out some of these behaviours. She is too young to understand all of these changes, but that doesn't change the fact that she may feel insecure and unsure about things.


We don't have an awful lot of other 'structure' during the day. Since moving to TX we don't have any playgroups in the area that we know of. So she's essentially devoid of ANY contact with other kids her age. Plus we've been unpacking the new house. So really all my baby free time has been cleaning, unpacking, organizing, cleaning.


This also may have something to do with it. She may feel like all your attention is going to this new baby and unpacking and she may be needing some connecting time aside from nursing. Read stories, cuddle.

For a time I felt disconnected to my oldest dd. I don't know why that happened. I really made a strong effort to give extra hugs and spend intentional time with her even when I didn't feel like it and we reconnected. Now I don't feel that way towards her at all. The best thing might be to make a conscious effort to spend time with her doing fun things that she enjoys doing with you and maybe that will help.

[AmyDoll]

(((HUGS))) You're expecting too much from her. She's still just a baby too. Do you have the book "Your 2 Year Old?" That would be a good place to start. The book will help you have more reasonable expectations. She does comprehend you - but she doesn't have the control or the brain development to have the discipline to follow your instructions. It will come - but it's too soon to expect that kind of compliance.

Where is your stroller? Good Heavens, I wouldn't go anywhere w/out Sam strapped into a stroller. Especially if I had another child to tend to. He doesn't get a choice when it comes to the stroller. Sometimes he does get a "bribe" - usually a dum-dum lollipop or a vanilla wafer. Or he gets the promise of going to the toy aisle or getting to help mommy with whatever the chore is. For the post office, I would use a lollipop - I wouldn't want to take him out of the stroller at the counter AND I would want a quiet child in the line.

She's not really being "defiant" - She's being 2. She's learning that she is a seperate person from you but she still wants to please you. She's also learning that the things she does makes mommy make funny faces :giggle :hug

Routines are great - have more of them!!! We sing a lot in our family - that helps for transitions.
The block scenario would look like this:

"Sam, it's time to pick up your blocks. We're going to have lunch" (request, reason)
"Can you find the yellow blocks and put them in the bucket?" (Mommy on the floor showing Yellow block and picking up blocks - help) Follwed by Mommy singing "Clean up Clean up Everybody Everywhere....."
If he runs off, so what, I'm almost done. Usually, he helps with this BIG direction so it's not *all* me.
So, it's the 5 steps - but we only did 2. And we didn't fight and the blocks were picked up. You might want to go review the 5-steps thread. I see that you're offering help - but it seems like you're kind of "threatening" help? That's not really the point of "help" - it really is just help. If Sam jumped up to do something when I asked if he needed help - unless he said "no" I would still help him. It's not punishment - it's just help.

It's harder to be more hands on when you have more than one - I'm sure but I think then you are going to have to realize that some stuff just isn't going to get done.

The remote control - I'd keep it out of reach. If it's the actual TV - I'd buy one of those blocker things to put across the buttons. I'm guessing she's doing it bc she wants your attention - if you're looking for motive. I'd ask her if she can find her books and you'll read to her or ask her if she wants to paint with you or something.

For the dishwasher (who knew such dumb things could be sooo fascinating) I just tell him it's not time to run the dishwasher - and ask him if he wants to help me w/whatever I'm doing or tell him to pick a bowl and I'll give him some grapes. (distraction!!)

Naps, I hold Sam and nurse him to sleep. If he wiggles and won't lay still I wrap him in a blanket so that I can hold him still. Or, I feed him lunch, give him a banana for dessert and put him in the van and make sure he's nice and toasty. He's usually out in about 20 minutes. If it's one of *those* days, I try to run a drive-thru errand - like to the bank! :tu The other thing that we've tried and has worked for us - is a stoller ride after lunch. A nice looooong walk around the neighborhood.

I know you're anxious to get the house in order and to get the boxes unpacked - can you let her tear the paper that comes out of the boxes? Will she color on the paper? Can you make her a "fort" out of EVERY box that you get unpacked - so that she has something to look forward to?
Can she "pop" the bubble paper? Enlist her help! Find ways to include your bundle of energy.

Schedule outdoor time for the morning after breakfast. Get to the park. Bring your lunch. Let her run and get her energy out. Get outside EVERY day - no matter what the weather - even if it's just for 15 minutes.

Is she co-operative at bedtime? If she's not, I'd move it up about 45 minutes or so to starting the bedtime routine between 7:15 and 7:45. She's got a long day and if she's not napping I'd def. move it up. She might be running on empty (which could explain her hyperness)

So that's my 2 cents - I hope there's *something* in there that's helpful.

[BHope]

Where is your stroller? Good Heavens, I wouldn't go anywhere w/out Sam strapped into a stroller.
A stroller would have been a life saver for me. It was in the trunk of my car. :doh How simple would that have been?

Do you have the book "Your 2 Year Old?" That would be a good place to start. The book will help you have more reasonable expectations.
Where does a person get the book "Your 2 year old." Who writes it?

I've looked around the area for local playgroups and have been coming up with squat. Either it's something that I have to pay for (The Little Gym) or I have to drive 45 minutes just to attend (LLL.) Our church doesn't offer any ladies bible studies, and even if they did, there'd be a seperate nursery. So it's not much of a playgroup setting. KWIM? I did see that our Library has story time on Thursday mornings. My big plan was to go tomorrow morning, no matter what. However, Dh came home from work declaring that he would need the car. So that's out the window. We'll be stuck home tomorrow. (Whine, complain, grumble.)

To whoever mentioned it, I definately have been using "help" as a threat. I think partially because I'm loosing my cool so quickly and "helping" is the nicest thing I can get myself to do in that moment. I swear things aren't always so crazy. We do have our good days. I have to remind myself of that. It's just the one or two bad days really seem to get right to my spirit. I end up feelling all these ugly emotions.

I guess that's part of why I'm driving so hard to unpack. I keep thinking that as soon as unpacking is finished we can start getting our groove back. We've just been in limbo for so long. (DD1 and I left Germany in early October after several months of packing/preparing, Dh joined us at the beginning of Nov. We lived with my folks through till January, we had to give away our dog, DD2 was born in December, Dh has changed jobs...) It's like we've lost all balance.

[AmyDoll]

Where does a person get the book "Your 2 year old." Who writes it?

Ames and Ilg - you should be able to find it on Amazon

To whoever mentioned it, I definately have been using "help" as a threat. I think partially because I'm loosing my cool so quickly and "helping" is the nicest thing I can get myself to do in that moment. I swear things aren't always so crazy. We do have our good days. I have to remind myself of that. It's just the one or two bad days really seem to get right to my spirit. I end up feelling all these ugly emotions.

I think if you lower your expectations, you'll find that you're much less frustrated and then you'll be able to actually help her accomplish the tasks you want to get done.

It's hard to live in chaos :hug When we moved I was able to have dh move the boxes into a couple unused rooms (dining room downstairs & the guest room upstairs) That way, the house looked like it was in order and I can (yes, I'm still unpacking) get one box out at a time w/o being totally overwhelmed.

[BHope]

Hey, guess what! I found the book on Paper Back Book Swap (http://www.paperbackswap.com/index.php?r_by=) :tu How cool is that? Now, I'm just waiting for the reply back and for the US postal system. Dh just came in and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was going to learn all about 2 year olds so that we could finally understand DD1. He just laughed at me. :rolleyes2

[freshwaterfish]

Did you check MOPS for a local group? That's how I first met other Christian moms when I moved to Georgia and didn't know a soul... I want to go to the one here, but I don't have a car...

April

[AmyDoll]

Hey, guess what! I found the book on Paper Back Book Swap (http://www.paperbackswap.com/index.php?r_by=) :tu How cool is that? Now, I'm just waiting for the reply back and for the US postal system. Dh just came in and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was going to learn all about 2 year olds so that we could finally understand DD1. He just laughed at me. :rolleyes2


Yippee!!! I LOVE all these books - there's one for each age.

Let us know what you think!!

[Joy7]

Great ideas Amy. I was going to suggest a back pack for dd as most places I go seem to have steps and a stroller is a pain, and my kids were much more content in the pack. The stroller had to be in constant movement or there was screaming. Anyways if that happens there's another option.

Also I think adding humor to your parenting may help your mood. As I was reading your post it brought back so many memories of my days with Simon and Lucy when they were that age. I remember my blood boiling because everything seemed so hard all the time. Uggh! Being silly and expecting what was possible made all the difference. This too will pass. "Threating" I'm going to have to tickle you if you touch the dishwasher again can become great fun. Or I'll ONLY tickle you if you build a tower wih your blocks, etc... Then she may be more easy going to do something you want her to do. For things that are dangerous or too special to you to have damaged make it impossible to do. (lock it up, gate off, or put away for awhile)

Make the most of nap time and "live it up". It will do a world of good and equally important to getting the laundry folded. Also get outside and walk a bit everyday. Everyone will feel better for it. The car nap is a great idea too if she just won't cooperate. Many mothers do this. :)

[freshwaterfish]

I didn't have time to post much yesterday, but just wanted to let you know that the "huh" stage DOES pass on its own... My son did that for about 3 months and it drove me MAD... then suddenly he just stopped... LOL Now if he would just stop calling me DADDY all the time and call me MOMMY, life would be great... hahahahaha... How does one REALLY figure out a toddler/preschooler? They are definitely a mystery. I want to second (third... fourth) the suggestions to turn it into silly play... From my own experience, when Micah is acting like you've described, he's feeling like he needs extra attention (and he gets a LOT as it is!) for whatever reason... If I banter with him and make silly faces and do silly dances and PRETEND like he's not driving me nuts, that really helps him get over it faster, and me cope with it easier... Just give a try for a few days and see how it helps... Also... try not to take it personal... I know how embarrassing it can be in public when you feel like others are looking down at your for not "controlling" your kids, but honestly, when I see a kid acting like that in public, I only sympathize not judge, cause I have TOTALLY been there, and I think EVERY parent has! If they haven't they need to patent their child's genes! :giggle If they are blatantly judging, just know that WE are sympathizing and what do they know anyways?! he he

April

[illinoismommy]

I agree on reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.... I've been reading it and it has creative ideas. It sounds like she is choosing negative attention rather than none at all... since you said "she waits until I notice her." Can you bring her with you in everything you do? Not that I know anything! :O But I just wanted to chime in on that book :tu

[BHope]

*Typing softly so as not to wake the baby. :nak *

Today went soo much better. I just kept having to remind myself, "She's only two." I also made an effort to proactively seek her out. It's not that we don't spend time together. I mean, sure, I'm unpacking... but we do read stories, sing songs, play with toys. I have her help me out when I am unpacking. (Part of my frustration is that we are together, doing stuff, 24/7) It's just that a lot of that kid-play interaction is initiated by her. For instance, she'll bring me a book and we'll sit down to read. Today I made a point to bring HER the book and suggest we read. I also worked harder at giving her kisses when she wasn't expecting them and telling her nice things.

Seems silly to say it outloud, but by me being proactive it felt more like I was able to "give" rather then constantly feeling like I'm being "taken." Does that make sense?

I do need to check out that book "Playfull Parenting." Although, I'll admit that sometimes I'm just so exhausted. It's about all I can do, on the 'bad' days to parent. Let alone playfully.

I wish I could take nap times to just chill, or nap, or hang out. But the truth is since we've moved into the new house (Feb 1st) the two kiddo's haven't napped at the same time. Not once. You think I'm exagerating, but it's like they can sense when they are able to have me 'to themselves.'

I do really believe that getting outside every day, is going to be important to my sanity. Maybe I can sling DD2 and push DD1 in the stroller, just so I can get exercise. (Although DD1 will probably want to walk. Problem is she's going through a "hate holding hand" stage that turns our walks into tug o' wars.)

[raisa]

Seems silly to say it outloud, but by me being proactive it felt more like I was able to "give" rather then constantly feeling like I'm being "taken." Does that make sense?

I love how you put this! That explains it so well. I always get daunted by the prospect of being proactive, but it is always SO worth it.

One thing that's occurring to me is, it sounds like your daughter might be an extrovert and you are an introvert. She needs to be around people to relax, and gets anxious when she is alone or isolated. You (if you're like me) find the company of other people (even your babies -- especially your babies?) stimulating and need a break from the noise and touching to unwind. Maybe she could have her "quiet time" in a comfort corner in the living room or main play area -- turn all the lights down, do a quiet video or music, and you read a book while she rests? It could literally be painful for her to be left alone in her room for naptime. And, big transitions like a move could intensify this.

I'd try out using new words when you talk to yourself -- instead of "defying me" you could think "double-checking what the boundary is." Instead of "taunting" you could try "playing." At that age she really can't empathize and doesn't even have a concept of your feelings as being separate from hers. She can see that you make a face or raise your voice, but she doesn't know you feel "angry" and that this is unpleasant for you.

[LauraK]

:hug2

I have been were you are. It is hard adjusting to having two little ones and it is hard having a 2 year old and a new baby. I was in the same boat and I know what you mean about them never napping together. Mine never really did, now they do once in awhile but it did not really happen until dd#2 was down to one nap.

I just want to encourage you that it does get better and these days are really hard and it can be such a challenge. Sounds to me like you are doing a good job. You just had a bad experience in the post office, been there, done that. I think for me when I had my 2nd all of a sudden I had to change so much how I did things and what I could do. Hanging out with one kid was just so much easier for me than having two.
Although, for me one kid was hard at times as well, especially when I was pregnant. Anyway...I slowly have developed routines that sort of work and now have more clear expectations but still some days I feel crazy!!

I recall days when I had to force my screaming two year old into the stroller while trying to keep baby in wrap from getting kicked! Once my 2 year old fell off some play ground equipment (she was OK, I was right there just diverted my eyes and hands) while I was trying to get my baby latched on to nurse...it was a crazy and very hard time. Be easy on yourself.

[BHope]

This is Xposted in my blog. However, I thought it only fitting that you see how our morning went. :rolleyes2

In an attempt to creat balance in my day, I decided that today I would make an effort to take DD1 to the park. I figured the extra playing would help her burn that energy and give me a little mommy-boost. Hoping to make it an extra special trip I swung by KFC to pick up chicken and corn. (DD1's two favorite foods.) All was going as planned until I noticed that DD1 was falling asleep. Because we were only a block from the park, and because I didn't want her taking a nap on an empty stomach, I started singing silly songs to keep her awake. Songs about how much fun the slide would be at the park.

Once at the park I unbuckled my bleary eyed eldest daughter and handed her our picnic blanket. Thankfully, She started to perk up as soon as she saw where we were at, and happily carried the blanket to the playground. I followed behind her lugging a sleeping DD2 in the carseat. Oh, and the KFC picnic lunch. I brought my sling as well, but figured if DD2 would sleep in the carseat, then I could push DD1 in the swing and go down the slides without being handicapped.

At the playground I laid out the blanket and sort of half noticed that DD1 laid down. (I figured shew as playing, seeing as how excited she was to be at the park.) I got busy putting down DD2 and unpacking our lunch. It was about that time that I noticed everyone else at the park was running. Away. Fast! It felt like some sort of candid camera prank. That is, until it hit me.

No.

I mean it literally HIT me.

HAIL.

In blue, sunny Texas Spring, rock solid hail was coming down!

Scrambling, I tossed the sling over DD2's face to protect her, shoved the KFC back in the bag, and flicked the blanket at DD1. Hollering, "Get up! Run, DD1! Grab the blanket and run with Mommy!"

DD1 did nothing. Her head now covered by the blanket and her feet sticking quietly out. Lying on the playground sand.

At first I thought she was joking around, so I nudged her. Come on! Baby, it's HAILING!" Dime size hail bouncing off my crazy mommy face as I become aware that my oldest daughter has, in the few seconds we've been there, fallen asleep on our picnic blanket.

I swear, I get this mommy business wrong more often then I get it right.

Long story short. DD1 did wake up. She ran with me to the car and ate her lunch buckled in her carseat with her younger sister snoozing next to her. By the time we came home (The weather just got worse) my oldest no longer was tired. In fact, I'm pretty sure she is now opperating on adrenaline.

So much for parks, naps, and picnics.

*shakes head.*

There's always tomorrow, right?

[mamaKristin]

Oh my...I can't help but giggle at the story, especially how well you wrote it out!

Trust me, I have so many days where I feel like I get the mommy stuff wrong. You aren't alone it that. :heart Tomorrow is a new, fresh day...hopefully without hail!

[LauraK]

:giggle

:phew

what a day you had! Sure makes a great story!

[mommy2abigail]

:giggle Oh boy what fun! :P~ The pp have given really good advice, so I am just gonna offer some encouragement. I have not btdt (yet!) but I can only imagine how hard it must be. I babysit for a 2.5 yo, and together with my dd, sometimes I feel like I am gonna lose my brains! I would definately make it a point to get out everyday. Even for your own sanity, just to see and talk to other adults. We go to the park everyday, and to storytime once a week. If it is raining we go to the mall to the indoor play place. I notice a HUGE difference in myself and the kiddos if we are stuck inside all day.