Tell me more about "you hit, you sit". [Archive] - Gentle Christian Mothers Community

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Sarai

03-08-2006, 01:30 PM

My DS is 34 mths old, and up until recently we employed the traditional time-out whenever he hit (well, sort of traditional- I used a little alcove in the living room where he was away from the action in the rest of the house, but I could still see him). I always told him he needed to stay there until he was calm/ready to come out and say "sorry" for hitting.

Well, we've been moving away from that, but I admit that I'm having a hard time finding something to replace it. Hitting, of course, is NOT acceptable. If I place DS on the couch when he hits, he immediately springs back up, wailing that he's sorry. It's clear that he's just saying the words he thinks I want to hear (and I have frequently received an unprompted "I'm sorry Mama" from him at other times, so he definitely knows the difference). So.....he says sorry, gets up, and promptly hits again.

What should I do?? This happened this morning while getting ready for work. I know that mornings are difficult for DS, and I spend as much time w/him as I can before leaving the house- we often cuddle on the couch for a few minutes, eat breakfast together, etc. Today (after the hitting incident) I brought him in the bathroom w/me and let him sit on the counter while I put my makeup on- we chatted and he played in the mirror. :)

Anyway, here's what happened: our routine is to let DS watch one of his favorite shows while I get dressed for work (DH leaves very early). While changing his diaper he began to throw a fit (rolling around, trying to get up) because he didn't want to get dressed. I warned him that if he didn't stop I would shut his show off. Well, he didn't stop, and I shut it off. He started crying and hit me. At this point, I felt like I had to do SOMETHING other than "No, no, DS, don't hit Mama", and walked him to our old timeout area. As soon as we got there, he flung his arms around me, started sobbing,and said "Please, Mama, don't put me away!" :( :bheart Oh, that just killed me! I could feel myself w/drawing from him- not hugging him back, etc., and it felt TERRIBLE! (I didn't put him in the corner, BTW).

So, my question is- how do I deal with this?? I'm not using the corner again, but obviously hitting is not acceptable, either.

ArmsOfLove

03-08-2006, 02:10 PM

Sarai

03-08-2006, 02:16 PM

tbh, with his age and with this not being about him and another sibling who needs attention when hit, I would stop making it such a conflict. I'd take his hand in mine and say "NO hitting. Hitting hurts" or "I will not allow you to hurt me." This is you setting a boundary! Then I'd do two things--work on gentle touch AND provide him an outlet for appropriate hitting. Maybe a bopper, or a pillow, or the couch or mattress. And I'd up his wrestle time with daddy and his outdoor/big energy play :tu

You know, this is what I used to do when he was younger- taking his hand and saying "no hitting", etc. Not sure when I stopped doing that.... :scratch

About the outlet- should I offer it immediately as an alternative? So, for example, let's say he hits me. I take his hand & say "no hitting-hitting hurts" or similar, then immediately offer him the pillow (which I would have previously introduced to him as the alternative to hitting a person). Does that sound right?

Sarai

03-08-2006, 02:20 PM

One more related question.... I've also been reading the posts about the 5 steps. I'm going to outline a theoretical situation below- can you tell me if I'm handling it correctly?

Let's say DS refuses to let me get him dressed (like this morning). I tell him that I need him to stop playing (or whatever) and let me help him get dressed.-Step 1.

He still refuses, so I rephrase the request - Step 2.

He still refuses, but in this particular instance, he has no option but to accept my help, since he can't fully dress himself yet. I do let him do as much as he can on his own. For Step 3, do I just start getting him dressed whether he complies or not?

Ahh.....I'm missing a step LOL! I do remember than Step 5 is the bear hug- if he refuses to get dressed up to this point and tries to hit me (again, like today), then I use the bear hug?

I really want to get this right- thanks so much for your input here! :-) :mrgreen

ArmsOfLove

03-08-2006, 08:46 PM

Yes--I'd redirect him to the alternative and acceptable hitting thing :) And, I'm actually going to suggest some playful parenting rather than the 5 Steps for getting a child his age dressed :grin I'd have his shirt beg him to put it on, chase him around with his pants as they cry to be worn, etc. Pretend his clothes are eating him (if that won't freak him out :giggle) Sneak up and put his shirt over his head and say, "Where is your head? Where are you? I can't see you!" and then pull it down on his head and get excited and say 'there you are!' Then hand him something he can do for himself, etc. IOW, just engage him in getting dressed without conveying there is any option at all, but keep it fun :tu

Sarai

03-09-2006, 08:34 AM

Thanks so much for answering my many questions. :) Everything you said makes sense. Also, your replies made me realize that the times that DS doesn't balk at getting dressed are those times that I make it fun, as you said.

Mornings are so difficult for us. I do everything I can to make them run smoothly (up extra early, lay out clothes, etc) but it's still nuts. DH, God love him, is no help- he gets up half an hour before he needs to leave, so it's basically a mad dash for him out the door. We've talked about me needing more help in the mornings, but it only lasts for a few days. :rolleyes DS is SO not a morning person, poor kid.

Ah, well... your suggestions are great, and I"m going to start using them right away. Thanks again! :mrgreen

ArmsOfLove

03-09-2006, 06:08 PM

glad to help :hug I'm not a morning person either so I'm really glad dh is one who gets up early and is willing to get everything going. Normally I'm the stay up late and finish things gal so we balance--lately he's had to do it all :( Anyway--this isn't about me :O I know being playful makes things SO much nicer here :tu