Who else would like more community and less independance?

[Lois]

I have just been so frusterated that in the US we are so "independent, individual" minded that those of us who would like to help out and be helped out sometimes have to search high and low and far and wide to find anyone who might posses even an inkling of the idea of "community". I know I have some day that are great and I would love to be albe to on those days help other mom's who are having a difficult one. And then of course on some days I am about to go mad and would love if someone would just swoop in and take DD to the park for a few hours so I can nap or clean or do something other then, feed, water, change, chase, and parent her. I guess this is more of a vent because I have been reading how "communial" other countries are and how the older ladies help the younger mothers and stuff like that and just am frusterated that there is not hardly any of there here. Anyways, thanks for listening. :heart

[Jemma2]

I agree. I think, sometimes, about how women in the past all worked together (doing laundry, cooking, etc.) All the while being able to talk and fellowship with each other. I think we miss out on that with families living so far away and people generally not wanting to "intrude" in someone else's life.

[Myrtle]

ITA! I have had this on my mind a lot lately.

[Katherine]

I've had this on my mind as well. Sometimes I look back at past generations and think about how difficult their circumstances were at times, and I am in awe at how they managed to get through.... but it's much easier to press on through difficulties when you have family, friends, neighbors, and communities. Yes, they endured some tough situations, but they also went and stayed with family... went back to live at home when they weren't making it... older siblings (adults) helped take care of younger siblings who were becoming adults. Basically, there were usually enough people in a family or community group that they could pool their resources and survive. I think the isolation that defines the life of many young moms, and the feeling that "I should be able to handle it all" really amplifies the normal struggles of this stage of life--sometimes to the point of feeling unbearable. :(

[abbiroads]

ITA I've been trying to start a commune for years ;) j/k, but we do talk to our neighbors all the time, we share meals and our husbands study and play video games togehter. I think if they had a toddler, it would be even better. In warm weather we spend a lot of time sitting outside, reading or talking while the kids play.

[Lois]

I guess there are folks that we could "commune" with but it's so hard if they are not "like minded" as far as parenting goes cause I just don't feel comfortable having them watch my child and then there's always what to talk about that we agree on besides the weather and perhaps church.

[Bonnie]

It all ties in the with kind of parenting we come here for support of. As in "you can't let your child sleep with you - they won't learn to be independent!" And "Is it healthy for a toddler to nurse? Won't she be too dependent on her mother?" Heaven forbid! We've spent two or three generations focusing our parenting on pushing children out of the nest as efficiently as possible, and then we're all asking why we spend all this money on therapy because we don't know how to relate to people. :rolleyes

Sorry. Rant over.

In answer to your question, yes, I would - I think - like more community and less independance. But, you see, I have a hard time relating to people. Ugh.

[puah]

I live in Asia and lately have been intensely jealous of my friends here who can run to the market while aunty, sister, gma/gpa watches the kids. Or can send the same to pick up their child from preschool. I LOVE how women have women around and realize the reason I struggle sometimes is that there aren't four of us in my home to cook, parent, play, and do errands...there's just me and dh (TBTG he is helpful!!). AP/GBD would certianly be easier with an abundance of loving arms so that when I'm on my last leg someone else is there for the right response.

[Marsha]

Oh I do wish that. I grew up like that, kind of. We had a small church and they were very "unworldly" and all the women got together to can, put up chickens and beef and hogs and stuff. And spring cleaning. I also grew up with 6 sisters. So I miss the having people around part.
But it takes a lot of compromise to have extended family around you. Do you know how many people on this board alone don't get along with their moms and MILs? Would you like them living with you even if it meant you had built in help? or would that help be resented and looked at as intrusion, interference, etc.? It's a common dynamic between mothers/daughters.
I have a friend who lives with her ILs in a separate apartment downstairs but they share laundry, kitchen, etc. Even though personally I imagine I would love my 3.5 yr old having a "safety valve" this friend, whose dd is high strung and similar to mine, resents that her dd can go to someone else when they are having a rrough day together. Seemingly innocent comments by MIL are cause for a lot of seething resentment and anger, etc. So what looks awesome to me is unbearable to her.
So that is what gets me started thinking about....how bad DO we want community? Would they all have to agree with us on every aspect? How much can we compromise? HOw much can we ignore?
And all that............................. :)

[Katherine]

yep, yep! I wasn't really sure how to articulate that, but I was thinking the same thing. It would be nice in a lot of ways to have like-minded others to lean on, but everything is a trade off... and no one is going to be "like-minded" to the extent that we agree on everything. :shrug :/

Truth be told, I don't really seek out community. Like Bonbonne said, I sometimes find it very difficult or intimidating to relate to people... I don't trust my kids to many other people (either b/c I don't know them or b/c I *do* know them... :shifty) I am horrified at the thought of someone coming in and seeing how awful my house is on those days when it's really bad (and that's when I would be needing help the most. :banghead

So there are two sides to the coin, as always. :lol

[Soliloquy]

Me! I'm so blessed that we have neighbors across the street that share this mindset. It's wonderful. We just show up on their doorstep sometimes and hang out. Their girls are older than mine, but they love to play with Gracie and come over to our house, too. I know if I ever needed anything, I can call them and vice versa. It's one of the main reasons I don't ever want to move (even though I don't like the climate where we live). Great neighbors are such a HUGE blessing.

[Bonnie]

But...I suspect that if we were in the kind of culture which valued community on that level, there wouldn't be quite as much variance in parenting...the very things that make us want this sort of relational connection are what make us parent the way we do. :think

[Katherine]

the very things that make us want this sort of relational connection are what make us parent the way we do.

I'm not sure that the desire for community and a tendency toward gentle, relational parenting always go together. :think Some of the most tight-knit, community-oriented environments I've ever experienced were also quite punitive. I grew up in one. The Pearls live in one. Many Moms here experience them in their churches and homeschool groups.

That's one of the reasons, in fact, that I hesitate to get involved in most of the "communities" that are available to me via church, family connections, etc. :( So maybe it's not that there's a lack of community :think but that it's hard to find a community in keeping with my goals and ideals. :shrug

[Lois]

:( So maybe it's not that there's a lack of community :think but that it's hard to find a community in keeping with my goals and ideals. :shrug


Yes, that probably what I have been trying to articulate, I guess locally here in the USA there are not many, if any local community groups that are in keeping with what we have as parenting goals and ideals here on this site, and I think that is pretty much a USA, and perhaps a few other "more developed" areas, thing because the more I study other cultures the more I am amazed at how many do not believe that spanking is a good form of parenting or discipline. And so I guess it's those communities that I envy because they do have a similar parenting style and they are communial as well.

[Aerynne]

I'd like that, too. I do have family around, plus one friend who I totally trust and she and I have made applesauce together, raked her yard together, and we help each other out when we need babysitters for our kids. Also our kids totally love each other and get along great. We parent pretty much almost exactly the same way so we totally trust each other to handle any discipline issues that come up. She's nursed my dd and I've been willing to nurse her ds when it's come up but he's just not comfortable with anyone but his mom. So if you can't find a whole community, one good friend is really nice, too. :tu