I need help with tantrums and whining

[mama of two]

dd is 3.5 (with a 6 month old brother). The last few months she's really stepped it up with the whining and lately even tantrums (stomping feet and waving arms).

I will admit my weakness. It makes me incredibly angry. I have no idea why but its my one button issue with her. My first response is to spank her because that's what my parents did to me. I don't think spanking is right though so I don't.

I've heard that if you don't respond to the whining or if you make the child restate what they are trying to say in a normal voice that is supposed to help with whining. All it does for dd is make her get more upset. We do not give in, ever, if she whines for something.

It usually ends up with her in her room to calm down, sometimes with us or alone.

The biggest problem is that these things occur when I am nursing the baby or he's sleeping in my arms or at other inconvenient times.

I need help. I have no idea what to do to make her stop this behavior.

I know that I need to pray about my lack of patience and my bad response, but what do I do about her?

[mama of two]

dd is 3.5 (with a 6 month old brother). The last few months she's really stepped it up with the whining and lately even tantrums (stomping feet and waving arms).

I will admit my weakness. It makes me incredibly angry. I have no idea why but its my one button issue with her. My first response is to spank her because that's what my parents did to me. I don't think spanking is right though so I don't.

I've heard that if you don't respond to the whining or if you make the child restate what they are trying to say in a normal voice that is supposed to help with whining. All it does for dd is make her get more upset. We do not give in, ever, if she whines for something.

It usually ends up with her in her room to calm down, sometimes with us or alone.

The biggest problem is that these things occur when I am nursing the baby or he's sleeping in my arms or at other inconvenient times.

I need help. I have no idea what to do to make her stop this behavior.

I know that I need to pray about my lack of patience and my bad response, but what do I do about her?

[Radosny Matka]

dd is 3.5 (with a 6 month old brother). The last few months she's really stepped it up with the whining and lately even tantrums (stomping feet and waving arms).

I will admit my weakness. It makes me incredibly angry. I have no idea why but its my one button issue with her. My first response is to spank her because that's what my parents did to me. I don't think spanking is right though so I don't.

I've heard that if you don't respond to the whining or if you make the child restate what they are trying to say in a normal voice that is supposed to help with whining. All it does for dd is make her get more upset. We do not give in, ever, if she whines for something.

It usually ends up with her in her room to calm down, sometimes with us or alone.

The biggest problem is that these things occur when I am nursing the baby or he's sleeping in my arms or at other inconvenient times.

I need help. I have no idea what to do to make her stop this behavior.

I know that I need to pray about my lack of patience and my bad response, but what do I do about her?


Not responding to my ds whining didn't stop it, it only made it worse. :eek Whining, although really irrititating, is a normal 3 year old thing. I worked, and worked (and worked and worked and worked - i think you get the point ;) ) with my ds. Now at 4-3/4, he rarely whines. It took for what seemed like forever for him to stop. It's not going to stop overnight :hissyfit , no matter what method you use. Sometimes you have to play around with the wording to find the words that make sense to your child. For example, if I said, "that's whining, try again" I would get more whining. If I said, "say it again in a mormal voice" he would. :shrug Keep at it. Give your child the script. "That is whining. I want to hear you say, "more juice please" in a normal voice." Once dd understands normal voice, you can simply say, "say it again in a normal voice." If she tantrums, walk away stating, "when you can ask me in a normal, respectful tone, I will get you juice (or whatever, juice is my example). Once she learns that she is not going to be a big reaction from you, or the juice (or whatever), she will stop tantruming. She is most likely going to test you first to see if you really mean it. :hugheart

[Radosny Matka]

dd is 3.5 (with a 6 month old brother). The last few months she's really stepped it up with the whining and lately even tantrums (stomping feet and waving arms).

I will admit my weakness. It makes me incredibly angry. I have no idea why but its my one button issue with her. My first response is to spank her because that's what my parents did to me. I don't think spanking is right though so I don't.

I've heard that if you don't respond to the whining or if you make the child restate what they are trying to say in a normal voice that is supposed to help with whining. All it does for dd is make her get more upset. We do not give in, ever, if she whines for something.

It usually ends up with her in her room to calm down, sometimes with us or alone.

The biggest problem is that these things occur when I am nursing the baby or he's sleeping in my arms or at other inconvenient times.

I need help. I have no idea what to do to make her stop this behavior.

I know that I need to pray about my lack of patience and my bad response, but what do I do about her?


Not responding to my ds whining didn't stop it, it only made it worse. :eek Whining, although really irrititating, is a normal 3 year old thing. I worked, and worked (and worked and worked and worked - i think you get the point ;) ) with my ds. Now at 4-3/4, he rarely whines. It took for what seemed like forever for him to stop. It's not going to stop overnight :hissyfit , no matter what method you use. Sometimes you have to play around with the wording to find the words that make sense to your child. For example, if I said, "that's whining, try again" I would get more whining. If I said, "say it again in a mormal voice" he would. :shrug Keep at it. Give your child the script. "That is whining. I want to hear you say, "more juice please" in a normal voice." Once dd understands normal voice, you can simply say, "say it again in a normal voice." If she tantrums, walk away stating, "when you can ask me in a normal, respectful tone, I will get you juice (or whatever, juice is my example). Once she learns that she is not going to be a big reaction from you, or the juice (or whatever), she will stop tantruming. She is most likely going to test you first to see if you really mean it. :hugheart

[mama of two]

Sara, thank you for responding. Its good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I will try not responding at all.

[mama of two]

Sara, thank you for responding. Its good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I will try not responding at all.

[Joanne]

The last few months she's really stepped it up with the whining and lately even tantrums (stomping feet and waving arms)....................
The biggest problem is that these things occur when I am nursing the baby or he's sleeping in my arms or at other inconvenient times.

These 2 sentences jumped out at me.

Let's address the new sibling issues first. If anyone in your family is calling her "big girl" or "big sister", I encourage them to stop. It's likely making her feel in competition with the baby (who is *little*) and also always thought of in terms of the baby (big is a comparison). Instead of helping her do better, it could be discouraging and pressuring her.

Relatedly, have you had an honest and direct conversation about the baby and how *all* of her feelings are understandable and allowed. That you will help her appropriately express them, but that the feelings are normal? That babies are cute, and loud. Snuggly and smelly? Fun and boring? That she wants the baby around *and* she doesn't? That sometimes she wants to kiss and sometimes she wants to hurt the baby? Normalize those feelings for her, and they are less likely to come out sideways.

Her age is also a time when it's common for children to need a higher level of routine, structure and autonomy training. That's why many kids this age "do great" in preschool. Preschool has elements of predictability and structure that's a match for kids developmentally. I'm not suggesting preschool if you aren't doing it. I'm suggesting that you introduce positive elements from a preschool structure to help her gain control and mastery, age appropriately.

Also pay attention to the quality of food and the frequency and quality of screen time (tv, computer, games). My children are sensitive to these things and if out of kilter, they are *more* in terms of their personality challenges.

Finally, the book "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" is good for trigger issues. And so is "Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline".

[mama of two]

Thank you for your suggestions.

None of her behavior issues manifest into hurting her brother. (Thank God!)

I am not a very structured person but perhaps I can develop a routine for her.

The last two days I have let her choose all of her own foods (with some slight guidance) and that seems to have helped a lot. Of course she's pretty much only eaten bread products. I'm hoping she will get sick of them soon and move on to more fruit and veggies.

As for the whining, I've been telling her ahead of time what behaviour is expected. "Now, when we get home I'll be happy to get your a snack. First what do you need to do? [allow her to answer, put away coat and shoes] And no whining, right? How is the right way to ask for things [she answers, in a normal voice]" Then I praise her great memory and tell her how proud I am when she acts in a happy/nice way.

For the last two days it seems to be working, at least a lot better than it has in the past.

Off to make some lunch...