I am so tired of dh calling our older ds a sissy

[Beauty4Ashes]

My older ds is pretty sensitive. Sometimes just a sharp word spoken out of frustration will make him cry. I am thinking that at least half the time when it happens, it's because he's overly tired or hungry or thirsty or something. Tell me what you think, I am thinking of carrying a timer with me. It is a digital one, so it can be set for 99 minutes, max. So every 99 minutes it will beep and I will give him some water or cheerios or fruit or a meal or a nap. I am thinking that way I will be trained to offer snacks and also to eat snacks more regularly. Because honestly, ds doesn't cry so often when it's just me and him. But when dh is home, he's tired and impatient and won't tolerate crying. The big meanie (I really wanted to call him something worse, say donkey) said that ds is too soft and should get "a beating" every day so that he'll learn. Yeah, whatever. Dh never implements anything, just big words. But yucky words nonetheless. I really feel like I am stuck in between them all.

[MarynMunchkins]

:hug My dh says things like that when he's tired and frustrated too. :(

I stick up for my kids. That's verbal abuse. "No, he's tired and needs a hug. Stop threatening to hurt him." I make sure I don't attack dh (because he's tired and frustrated ;) ), but I do make sure he knows his words are unacceptable.

[Beauty4Ashes]

Yeah, I told dh that ds1 was just overly tired and upset. He said, oh, he gets everything he wants, you know that he cries for everything. I will see what happens if I hand out healthy snacks/meals/naps more frequently. I have fruit, cheerios, veggies, whole wheat bread and peanut butter on hand. It seems like dh is always tired and frustrated.

[Quietspirit]

Ask dh if he's heard of a "self-fulfilling prophecy". He should have, given his line of work. ;) Ask in a nice way of course. But verbal abuse is verbal abuse. It's damaging and it will lead to emotional problems for your son later on. Your husband knows this professionally. :hug It's probably just that when he's tired and frustrated, it's hard to apply it to his personal life. I know I can totally "get" something when I am advising others (example: diet, nutrition) but implementing it in my own life when I'm overwhelmed or exhausted is very hard.

Stand up for your son using MarynMunchkins advice. I really liked her response.

[Allison]

ha! he's not even 2 years old yet. your dh has no idea . . .

[Beauty4Ashes]

Get this, last night I was up stairs trying to get ds2 to bed. Dh and ds1 were together and apparently he ate like a champ, listened to everything dh said, etc. etc. Dh said, it seems like when you and Danny are around, ds1 is a different kid, but when you aren't around, he listens and does what he's supposed to. :banghead :banghead :banghead :pray that God will help me not to feel this anger and resentment toward dh.

[ArmsOfLove]

first, I think that offering snacks at such regular intervals is excellent. I can't let 2 hours go by without feeding my children or I can tell I've forgotten something :shifty I've built it into our day and it works so much better :tu

second, that is absolutely unacceptable from your dh and I'm going to bite my tongue about what I'd say to my dh if he did that because this is your dh and you and my response would likely not help at all. That said, I would considering finding some way to explain to him that doing this is abusive and will likely create a self fulfilling prophecy :(

[flowermama]

I was reading a really helpful page last night about the importance of validating feelings. It sounds like your dh just wants the feelings your son is having to go away. Saying hurtful things will not meet your son's needs or help him to grow strong. Hurtful words do the opposite -- they break people down, make them feel uncared for, like they don't matter.

Here's a link to the page I was looking at...
http://eqi.org/valid.htm and also this page... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

There is a quote on that first page that says, "Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish. Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength."

I wonder if reading those pages might be helpful to you and your dh, both in relating to your children, and to one another.

Your son sounds so normal, not weak at all, he's just a wee child....

Feeding him more often is a really good idea. We find a routine to be beneficial for our family.

(((((((hugs))))))))

[Beauty4Ashes]

Now if I can just find the right way to approach him about this and a million other things. I am so angry at him all the time lately. He wants the boys in bed early, say before 9pm so he can study for the psych. oral board exam. But he's not willing to take the time. The other day he was lying with ds1 for close to half an hour trying to get the little guy to sleep; he finally was asleep by 9:30. Ds woke up crying around 3-4 a.m. Dh said that at least if he "goes to bed when he's good and tired around 11, he sleeps through the night, up to 10 hours straight. Fine. So we tried having him go to bed around 10pm when he was "good and tired". It still took half an hour or 45 minutes to get him to sleep. And guess what, he woke up several times around 3:45 am. I ended up taking him into our bed next to me (baby-mommy-baby sandwich) because I was too cold in the other room. It's all about HIM. HIS need for sleep, HIS need for quiet, I can't stand him. It seems like every day I want to call dh a stupid donkey and tell him to get off his tush and parent for once in his life.

[Maggie]

:hugheart

[Joanne]

Coming at this from a slightly different angle............

One of my 3 children needs to have limits imposed on their expression of feelings. That child needs to know "enough is enough". Validation, naming, allowing and processing of feelings in this child make this child feel out of contron, act whiny, feel insecure and creates a negative dynamic. This child does not have an internal or intuitive scale. This child needs outside, healthy, and boundaried restrictions imposed.

If a child such as that is male, in this culture, there *are* additional considerations and issues. We can debate all day long on whether that should be the case, but the reality is that it *is* the case.

In that regard, I would validate my DH's desire to help my child grow up to be a man in our culture. But I'd absolutely, positively insist that it be done without shame, verbal abuse or put downs. So, I would say something like "I understand your need and desire to help our son get control of his emotions. He's a boy in our culture and I know you have good and specific ideas about how to help him. However, I can not let you abuse him in your frustration and embarassment. The abuse has to stop before we can work together on how to teach him to be a man."

[Joanne]

Coming at this from a slightly different angle............

One of my 3 children needs to have limits imposed on their expression of feelings. That child needs to know "enough is enough". Validation, naming, allowing and processing of feelings in this child make this child feel out of contron, act whiny, feel insecure and creates a negative dynamic. This child does not have an internal or intuitive scale. This child needs outside, healthy, and boundaried restrictions imposed.

If a child such as that is male, in this culture, there *are* additional considerations and issues. We can debate all day long on whether that should be the case, but the reality is that it *is* the case.

In that regard, I would validate my DH's desire to help my child grow up to be a man in our culture. But I'd absolutely, positively insist that it be done without shame, verbal abuse or put downs. So, I would say something like "I understand your need and desire to help our son get control of his emotions. He's a boy in our culture and I know you have good and specific ideas about how to help him. However, I can not let you abuse him in your frustration and embarassment. The abuse has to stop before we can work together on how to teach him to be a man."

[Beauty4Ashes]

Joann,
You've given me something to chew on. I am thinking of the times when ds would start to cry. When for example it happened after dh went to work the night shift, I would say to him, "you miss your daddy and wish he could stay here to play with you?". I'd hug him and then a couple of minutes later, it would be fine. If I just attended to his needs without too much fanfare, the crying kind of petered out on its own. But if I yelled and felt like a jerk later for how I acted, the crying would last longer. I think at worst, his crying lasts 2-3 minutes, though it feels like an eternity. It's trial and error, how I wish that he came with a manual...

[Beauty4Ashes]

Joann,
You've given me something to chew on. I am thinking of the times when ds would start to cry. When for example it happened after dh went to work the night shift, I would say to him, "you miss your daddy and wish he could stay here to play with you?". I'd hug him and then a couple of minutes later, it would be fine. If I just attended to his needs without too much fanfare, the crying kind of petered out on its own. But if I yelled and felt like a jerk later for how I acted, the crying would last longer. I think at worst, his crying lasts 2-3 minutes, though it feels like an eternity. It's trial and error, how I wish that he came with a manual...

[flowermama]

When for example it happened after dh went to work the night shift, I would say to him, "you miss your daddy and wish he could stay here to play with you?". I'd hug him and then a couple of minutes later, it would be fine.

That's a good example of validating his feelings. :yes :tu Sometimes it can be all too easy to get frustrated and yell, but it hurts them and often makes their feelings escalate and intensify, and they get louder (yikes!), or they shut down. :( And validating, though it takes patience!, can really work so well. :heart

I think I understand what Joanne is saying, at least somewhat. I agree that there does come a time when imposing limits on expression of emotions is what is needed, but I don't understand the dynamics of applying it to a 21 month old child. :think There are times when I tell my ten year old, "I will not be held hostage by your big feelings," and time when I have to tell my four year old daughter that is that. I think, though, it is good to validate their feelings, and then to impose limits as needed.

What has been described is so very normal for 21 month old children, male or female. I feel that there really needs to be more time given for a child of that age to grow and learn before, well, before expecting too much of him. I don't know how to explain what I mean, but that's such a young age, and it's okay that he can't control his feelings yet... he will learn.

In that regard, I would validate my DH's desire to help my child grow up to be a man in our culture. But I'd absolutely, positively insist that it be done without shame, verbal abuse or put downs. So, I would say something like "I understand your need and desire to help our son get control of his emotions. He's a boy in our culture and I know you have good and specific ideas about how to help him. However, I can not let you abuse him in your frustration and embarassment. The abuse has to stop before we can work together on how to teach him to be a man."

I agree. And I'm wondering if perhaps the pressure is even more intense in the culture your dh is from?

((((hugs))))) I wish so much that things were easier, mom2bashar n danny. My heart hurts for you. :hugheart :pray

[flowermama]

When for example it happened after dh went to work the night shift, I would say to him, "you miss your daddy and wish he could stay here to play with you?". I'd hug him and then a couple of minutes later, it would be fine.

That's a good example of validating his feelings. :yes :tu Sometimes it can be all too easy to get frustrated and yell, but it hurts them and often makes their feelings escalate and intensify, and they get louder (yikes!), or they shut down. :( And validating, though it takes patience!, can really work so well. :heart

I think I understand what Joanne is saying, at least somewhat. I agree that there does come a time when imposing limits on expression of emotions is what is needed, but I don't understand the dynamics of applying it to a 21 month old child. :think There are times when I tell my ten year old, "I will not be held hostage by your big feelings," and time when I have to tell my four year old daughter that is that. I think, though, it is good to validate their feelings, and then to impose limits as needed.

What has been described is so very normal for 21 month old children, male or female. I feel that there really needs to be more time given for a child of that age to grow and learn before, well, before expecting too much of him. I don't know how to explain what I mean, but that's such a young age, and it's okay that he can't control his feelings yet... he will learn.

In that regard, I would validate my DH's desire to help my child grow up to be a man in our culture. But I'd absolutely, positively insist that it be done without shame, verbal abuse or put downs. So, I would say something like "I understand your need and desire to help our son get control of his emotions. He's a boy in our culture and I know you have good and specific ideas about how to help him. However, I can not let you abuse him in your frustration and embarassment. The abuse has to stop before we can work together on how to teach him to be a man."

I agree. And I'm wondering if perhaps the pressure is even more intense in the culture your dh is from?

((((hugs))))) I wish so much that things were easier, mom2bashar n danny. My heart hurts for you. :hugheart :pray

[Beauty4Ashes]

Flowermama, I still need to look at those pages you sent re validating and invalidating feelings. I think just from this thread I've learned so much. I know today has been a bit frustrating because my little one was crying because his little teeth are hurting him--the little guy has 2 in place now. Then he hit his head and instead of telling him "don't cry", I told him, "It's okay to cry because your head hurts you from hitting it on the nightstand. It's okay to cry when you're hurting". Even though honestly I was tired of the crying and screaming. I have a feeling that I will be having a talk about boundaries with dh. It seems so much easier to set boundaries with children, but with dh, well, it's a different story because adults are quite capable of twisting your words...Going to start a thread on boundaries in marriage now...
Tammy

[Beauty4Ashes]

Flowermama, I still need to look at those pages you sent re validating and invalidating feelings. I think just from this thread I've learned so much. I know today has been a bit frustrating because my little one was crying because his little teeth are hurting him--the little guy has 2 in place now. Then he hit his head and instead of telling him "don't cry", I told him, "It's okay to cry because your head hurts you from hitting it on the nightstand. It's okay to cry when you're hurting". Even though honestly I was tired of the crying and screaming. I have a feeling that I will be having a talk about boundaries with dh. It seems so much easier to set boundaries with children, but with dh, well, it's a different story because adults are quite capable of twisting your words...Going to start a thread on boundaries in marriage now...
Tammy

[Quietspirit]

If your children were older, I would agree with Joanne in part. But, your children are very very young. And what your oldest DS is doing is 'normal' for a 21 month old child. So, this is going to be one of the rare times I disagree with Joanne. :heart

[Joanne]

If your children were older, I would agree with Joanne in part. But, your children are very very young. And what your oldest DS is doing is 'normal' for a 21 month old child. So, this is going to be one of the rare times I disagree with Joanne.

We don't disagree at all. I missed the age of the child being discussed. :O

Now that I know, I have to say I am very concerned for the OP's family. I would strongly encourage you to prayerfully seek an outside mentor or professional. Your DH's approach to parenting is not a GBD issue.

[Beauty4Ashes]

Just a brief update. Ds has been much happier since I started giving snacks/meals every 99 minutes or so. Also, I am trying to get them in bed by 9. It's not as early as I would like, but it's better than 10 or 11pm. And dh has noticed that ds is more calm and hasn't been yelling so much. I hope and pray that it continues. In the meantime, please pray that I can find some way to talk to dh about his unreasonable expectations and set some boundaries in our marriage and for us as parents.

[Quietspirit]

We don't disagree at all. I missed the age of the child being discussed

Joanne, that explains it! We so seldom disagree. :)

mom2bashar n danny,

:pray as you begin to set boundaries and seek help in your family life.

[flowermama]

:phew Joanne, reading what you wrote in your first post put a shade of doubt in my mind leading me to wonder a little if was out-to-lunch or something in my views or even if I was too permissive with my 16 month old in how I approached responding to his emotions eta: or if they change more from age 16-21 months than I remembered lol! :O (I also wondered, though, if maybe you didn't realize her little one's age. :-))

Mom2bashar n danny, I'm so glad those things are helping! :heart :pray

[raisa]

:yes I have to confess that I only recently noticed that this child is under 2, and was surprised -- I had been assuming he was at least a preschooler.

(((Tammi)))

[Beauty4Ashes]

Yes, he is only 20 months old. He's kind of tall so maybe he looks a bit older and he's a pretty good little guy so tbh, I guess that both dh and I forget that he is still only a baby. But I am learning patience, am working my way through Ames and Ilg's book "Your one year old"...my what a reading list you all have given me :)
Tammy

[flowermama]

Oops! My math is not so good. :doh :giggle :O

My first son was taller than average, and people used to expect more of him because of that. That made things harder. The concern they had about him, though, was that he was so quiet and loved to be held! Can you believe it? :rolleyes2

But I am learning patience, am working my way through Ames and Ilg's book "Your one year old"

Awesome! :tu You should have seen me when my first dd was 20 months old, and I only had one child! ...I made lotsa mistakes, and still do. :O I think it's common to expect more of the firstborn. It's sure a learning process, and I praise God for His grace. :heart

:hug