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View Full Version : I feel like I should know this, but how to deal with toddler whining???


DogwoodMama
02-23-2006, 05:21 PM
I feel like this should be obvious to me, but it is not. :scratch C has started whining more lately, asking for things in a whiny tone of voice- EVEN if I *just* offered it to her! For example, today, I asked her, "Do you need a diaper change?" b/c she had gotten up from her nap. (she doesn't let me check her anymore.) She said, "No." Okay, that's fine. Five seconds later, "Chaaange diaaaaper!" in a whiny voice. :shrug Why did she whine when I had just asked her and it wasn't like there was a need for it? :shrug (not that there ever is a need for whining, lol.)

Then we went to the grocery store. She whined about me not getting her another cheese sample, then she moved on to apple juice, then yogurt. I would tell her no, explain why, and then move on. I didn't use too much distraction because I was trying to remember what I needed, just explained why and said "No" calmly but firmly. She wasn't really loud, but would continue to whine about it. I don't tend to give into these things, I'm not sure why she thinks it'll change my mind.

On the way home, I pointed out a big flag she likes. She saw it briefly, and then we turned and it went out of sight behind a tree. Then she started whining, "I can't see it, I can't see it!" Once again, I explained why, I was kind but firm, and she kept on whining about it. I finally got her distracted by telling her to look for dogs walking through the neighborhood.

I am having a tough time determining whether she is simply whining because she gets her mind set on something and just can't get it off without help, or if this is true "whining/begging" etc. because she really thinks if she whines enough she'll get her way. I just want to make sure that there isn't something I'm *supposed* to be doing to teach her not to whine, or if this is just a toddler thing? I just really don't like the whiny voice that she uses. :blush

cklewis
02-23-2006, 05:28 PM
:popcorn

Have you been sneaking into my house lately? Seriously, Elizabeth. . . . it's gotten so WHINEY lately. That and the dog hormones and the mommy hormones and the DH . . . . :crazy

I told DH this week that I think it's disequilibrium. I've been praying about this for us because last year it hit just about the time this baby's due. So maybe God's nudging it earlier?

I remember in Ames & Ilg that they said that 2.5 disequilibrium is all about sameness and routine and control. That's what DS is all about right now. Mommy has to draw a blue grandma in the tub EVERY TIME. And a green grandpa. And an orange Roomba. In the right order. The same way. EVERY TIME. Or whining. We have to watch Pooh in just the same way. We have to have a BIG stick outside. We have to give Sugar a treat FOR OURSELVES, and it has to be just the same treat we gave last time because that's the one that WE like (and the one that Sugar hates). We have to have eggs the SAME way every morning. We have to have pah-poo in just the same order if we bump our head, and even if Mommy's nipples just got bitten off by the dog (I had a horrible evening a couple of night ago. I mean, that's the one creature in the house that I don't want near my boobies), it doesn't matter. It has to be THE SAME! <cue ominous music>

I was thinking of asking the same question here today. It's so HARD on this cumbersome mommy. Ugh.

So at least ITU. Maybe that helps? :hug

C

Close2MyHeart
02-23-2006, 05:29 PM
:lol I just posted something about whining yesterday...

Looking forward to the answers on your post. :popcorn

DD is 2.5 (well, almost) and is SOOO whiny about everything lately!

DogwoodMama
02-23-2006, 05:31 PM
Oh, I missed your post, Becca! :O I'll go look. :)

Well, at least I'm not the only one dealing with this! :giggle Nice to know we're normal here. ;)

Radosny Matka
02-23-2006, 07:47 PM
Nathaniel whined for the looongggest time (at least it felt like the longest time). He whined over everything. Everything he asked for was done in a whiny voice. :banghead It definately is a toddler thing, but that doesn't mean you have to simply live with it and not doing anything about it. Here is in a nutshell what we did with Nathaniel. First we helped him learn what a whiny voice was. Then when he whined (i'll use asking for juice as an exampel), "juuuiiicccce pleeaasse" I would say, "that is whining, say "juice please" in a normal voice." We did for what seemed like forever. Once he understood the difference between whining and normal voice and what do say differently, I would say, "ask again in a normal voice" and he would. Eventually he either learned to use a normal voice, got sick of repeating himself, or outgrew it. Either way, he rarely whines anymore. :phew :hug2

raisa
02-23-2006, 07:54 PM
I'm interested in this too. DS is a year younger and doesn't have a lot of words yet. So for us the whining is just constant NNNN! NNNNN! NNNN! every time. I know he'll pass through an "equilibrium" stage when he's able to use more words. But still it drives me crazy. I try whispering or singing to distract him and change the tone. That is, when I remember to do something other than cringe and speak impatiently to him.

cklewis
02-23-2006, 08:03 PM
"Try again" seems to work pretty well. "I don't understand you when you whine." is the truth (in the shower this morning, I had no clue what he wanted), but I don't know if it *works*. I think he gets frustrated. We've had a lot of comfort corner time as of late.

C

Aerynne
02-23-2006, 08:28 PM
Whining is simply not allowed at our house. I say "I have trouble understanding you when you whine." or just "I am having trouble understanding you." (by now she knows why) if I truly am having trouble. Otherwise I say "Please ask in a kinder voice." or something to that effect. We've been over this so many times that now she corrects herself sometimes or sometimes all it takes is a "look". I think it's important to be consistent. I never give Emily anything if she is whining, even if she is tired, hungry, hurt, sick, anything like that. She's starting to get it, but I think for a 23 month old that's pretty good.

DogwoodMama
02-24-2006, 07:48 AM
Okay, ladies, I'm feeling encouraged now, you're describing what I'm doing. It just didn't feel like *enough* at times. :O We do, "try again," identify whining and what a normal voice is, talk about asking kindly, plus I hope dh & I model things for her b/c *we* don't whine. :giggle I think my frustration stems from her inability to "repeat after me" in a kind voice... for example, when we do "try again" she usually just says "Please" in a pleasant voice. I don't think she quite gets nuances of voices yet?

In the grocery store situation, what would y'all have done? I basically said No, explained why, and then said I knew she was sad but that whining was not going to change my mind. She kept whining, was there anything else I could have done? Maybe employ more distraction?

Aerynne
02-24-2006, 07:59 AM
I may be missing something, but why couldn't she have another cheese sample? She was probably hungry, and hungry kids have trouble in stores! What I probably would have done would be given her one. If you just didn't want her having that much cheese, I would have gotten her something else to eat. Emily will eat 2 of those little cheese things sometimes when we shop. If she wants another one, I just go back and get her another one. If she just couldn't have one, distraction probably would have been good. I do all kinds of things I shouldn't do. I'll run with the cart if the store is pretty empty. Emily thinks that's funny. Or I duck down and smile at her from under the cart handle, or through the leg holes in the child seat in the cart.

This Busy Mom
02-24-2006, 08:07 AM
I'm no help today... my head's about to explode from a whiny 10 yo :shifty .

Really, try again works well here.

I only let my kids get one sample at store, too. I keep snacks for the car ride and let them know they can get a snack once we're out of the store (or if I buy them a snack, it waits until we're out of the store).

DogwoodMama
02-24-2006, 08:18 AM
The cheese sample- honestly, , I was half-way down the aisle when she started fussing and this pregnant mama moves slow, and she has a cold so I'm limiting dairy anyway. I gave her one piece b/c we always try them, and didn't want cause a fuss by saying no altogether. Also, she had a snack with her, so hunger wasn't the issue. (We do *not* go shopping without a snack and water! :giggle)

Aerynne
02-24-2006, 08:29 AM
Okay, well if she had a snack with her then I understand not giving her another cheese sample. :) I'm too lazy to bring snacks so we usually end up buying something. I guess distraction might work, but I think as long as she learns that whining never gets her her way, that's a long-term goal you're going for, and if there's some whining in the interim, it's probably okay as long as you never give into it. Hang in there. Whining is so tough to listen to!

cklewis
02-24-2006, 08:38 AM
Okay. Grocery store. What you described is EXACTLY what our trips have been like!! In every detail. When we go and it's just the two of us (and I think I'm about to make a declaration that I can't go to the store in this cumbersome state with just the two of us. I forget things because I'm overwhelmed.), I just plan on it being a lot of whining and reflecting. I have a yummy, yummy snack already. Water/Juice ready to go. We get the cart that looks like a bus (almost essential). And we do talk. I know you're chatty like me, so I can imagine you're doing the same thing. I try to let him choose stuff. Pick out bananas. Which apple sauce to buy. I am pretty indulgent about things that I *can* be indulgent about. Picking out snacks for the dog, picking out something for Daddy and holding it, finding a toy for the dog. . . . He holds things and talks about things. That seems to help. If a grandpa walks by and talks to him, he's THRILLED.

My biggest rule is no standing in the bus cart. If he stands, I stop. And I start the five steps. In one visit, I have stopped more than once in the middle of the aisle waiting for his compliance. I reflect calmly and wait. The whining is just gonna happen, I figure. And thankfully, I've been going to the local store (NOT Wal-mart) which is calmer and more friendly about this sort of thing. I never feel in the way or a bother when I do this. I haven't felt on display. Yet. . . . I usually go at non-busy times too. Mornings are best.

Last time we went I had a pack of orange gum. And I was totally indulgent about it. We chewed half a pack. :shifty :O I figured it was worth it.

He does announce "MINE!" a lot. :doh And the latest is screaming, "THAT'S MY MOMMY!!!" :scratch I have no clue what that means to him. Unless he wants me all to himself. :doh I dunno. But it's a funny enough thing to say that people are kinda charmed by it. I'm just confused.

The store is small enough that I can walk away from the checkers and play with him with the ball display while they check me out. I'm not that far away. As soon as they need me, into the regular cart seat he goes, and I give him a banana ASAP. This is our secret weapon. Bananas. :giggle It's like ice cream to him.

Again, I really imagine our trips don't look much different from your trips. And I'm about ready to either go completely alone or completely with DH. He already offered to make it a family event this evening. OoooOOoOooOOoooOOO -- a date to the grocery store! :giggle And I'm thrilled.

C

Close2MyHeart
02-24-2006, 08:43 AM
We just avoid all samples so they never ask for them. :giggle It eliminates that problem for us...

I hadn't thought about the "Try Again" for Karah. Sometimes I forget that she could really 'get' that and undersatnd it completley. :O I think I'll try that w/ her. She's so over-the-top emotional lately...

Radosny Matka
02-24-2006, 01:39 PM
Okay, ladies, I'm feeling encouraged now, you're describing what I'm doing. It just didn't feel like *enough* at times. :O We do, "try again," identify whining and what a normal voice is, talk about asking kindly, plus I hope dh & I model things for her b/c *we* don't whine. :giggle I think my frustration stems from her inability to "repeat after me" in a kind voice... for example, when we do "try again" she usually just says "Please" in a pleasant voice. I don't think she quite gets nuances of voices yet?

In the grocery store situation, what would y'all have done? I basically said No, explained why, and then said I knew she was sad but that whining was not going to change my mind. She kept whining, was there anything else I could have done? Maybe employ more distraction?


:hug2 It doesn't feel like enough sometimes because we want instant results. At least I do. ;) Sigh...the whining took soooo long to get over. Hang in there. It will happen.

Nathaniel used to do the "please" too in a pleasant voice when asked to try again. I would then regive him the script, "you need to say, more juice please." Even though he knew to try again, he needed that actual reminder to say the whole phrase in a normal voice. Eventually he learned to repeat the request when prompted to try again.

As for the grocery store, it would really depend on my mood. :O Sometimes I would just keep reflecting feelings, sometimes I would simply ignore it with an asked an answered, sometimes I would try a silly game or ask him to pick the apples for me, and I have been know on a few occassions (not my best moments perhaps) to walk to the back of the cart where the groceries go and start pulling it behind me like that, announcing that I was done listening to whining and when he was ready to stop, I'd be happy to push the cart from the front and talk with him (he was probably a bit older than Charlotte tho). :O

DogwoodMama
02-28-2006, 07:57 AM
Bumping for another mama. :)

DogwoodMama
02-28-2006, 07:57 AM
Bumping for another mama. :)

KarenBoo
02-28-2006, 08:36 AM
I think my reply will just echo the above posters. When DD gets whiny in her requests, I usually get up to get her what she has asked for, and at the very same time I ask "how can you ask mommy nicely?" and she will always rephrase her question for me. The reason I go ahead and move towards granting her request before she asks nicely is to avoid the power struggle portion of it. But if her request was particularly yucky sounding to begin with and it irks me, then I usually will make her change her tone *before* I move to grant her request.

But if she were to whine after I've said "no," then I just reflect feelings. "That makes you sad that you can't have it. You really want it, huh? etc." I try to make her feel heard, understood, and validated. That ususally does it for DD, but I definitely understand that all children are different, and that just may not be "it" for another child. But if I'm out shopping and I *must* get it done, this usually works well for us. And even if she were to continue to carry on, at least I feel like I'm doing something to help her, and I feel less like a spectacle. Other people can hear what's going on between the two of us, and I don't know if it's just *me* or what, but it seems that the "looks" I get change to a more sympathetic look because I'm offering a sort of sympathy (empathy) to DD. Maybe that's my imagination! :lol

But I hear you saying you don't know whether or not she's expressing frustration, or whether she thinks that whining will make you change your mind and let her get her way. At this point, I'm not so sure that it matters what her motivation is. I think that you can handle it the same either way. And it sounds like you are doing a fine job! :-)

KarenBoo
02-28-2006, 08:36 AM
I think my reply will just echo the above posters. When DD gets whiny in her requests, I usually get up to get her what she has asked for, and at the very same time I ask "how can you ask mommy nicely?" and she will always rephrase her question for me. The reason I go ahead and move towards granting her request before she asks nicely is to avoid the power struggle portion of it. But if her request was particularly yucky sounding to begin with and it irks me, then I usually will make her change her tone *before* I move to grant her request.

But if she were to whine after I've said "no," then I just reflect feelings. "That makes you sad that you can't have it. You really want it, huh? etc." I try to make her feel heard, understood, and validated. That ususally does it for DD, but I definitely understand that all children are different, and that just may not be "it" for another child. But if I'm out shopping and I *must* get it done, this usually works well for us. And even if she were to continue to carry on, at least I feel like I'm doing something to help her, and I feel less like a spectacle. Other people can hear what's going on between the two of us, and I don't know if it's just *me* or what, but it seems that the "looks" I get change to a more sympathetic look because I'm offering a sort of sympathy (empathy) to DD. Maybe that's my imagination! :lol

But I hear you saying you don't know whether or not she's expressing frustration, or whether she thinks that whining will make you change your mind and let her get her way. At this point, I'm not so sure that it matters what her motivation is. I think that you can handle it the same either way. And it sounds like you are doing a fine job! :-)

wombmate3
02-28-2006, 09:27 AM
:popcorn

Ds Gabe (4) is the horrible with whining. A pp said "whining is not allowed in our house" and I had to :giggle. It's not allowed in ours either, but my kids haven't picked up on that fact yet. :P~

I ask him to restate and he does. Then 5 seconds later he is whining again. Our new thing is NOW! I want it NOW mom. No, Gabe, you have to wait a minute for me to finish what I am doing and I will get it for you. NO!!!! NOW!!! I WANT IT NOW!!!!! (pause) pllllleeeeaaassseeeee (unintelligible whining follows)......

My mother thinks I MUST give into him constantly for him to be this whiny. :rolleyes

I never do.

I hope you are all right that he will grow out of it, because it has got to be my #1 most annoying pet peeve with my kids!!!

wombmate3
02-28-2006, 09:27 AM
:popcorn

Ds Gabe (4) is the horrible with whining. A pp said "whining is not allowed in our house" and I had to :giggle. It's not allowed in ours either, but my kids haven't picked up on that fact yet. :P~

I ask him to restate and he does. Then 5 seconds later he is whining again. Our new thing is NOW! I want it NOW mom. No, Gabe, you have to wait a minute for me to finish what I am doing and I will get it for you. NO!!!! NOW!!! I WANT IT NOW!!!!! (pause) pllllleeeeaaassseeeee (unintelligible whining follows)......

My mother thinks I MUST give into him constantly for him to be this whiny. :rolleyes

I never do.

I hope you are all right that he will grow out of it, because it has got to be my #1 most annoying pet peeve with my kids!!!

illinoismommy
02-28-2006, 01:04 PM
I feel like this should be obvious to me, but it is not. :scratch C has started whining more lately, asking for things in a whiny tone of voice- EVEN if I *just* offered it to her! For example, today, I asked her, "Do you need a diaper change?" b/c she had gotten up from her nap. (she doesn't let me check her anymore.) She said, "No." Okay, that's fine. Five seconds later, "Chaaange diaaaaper!" in a whiny voice. :shrug Why did she whine when I had just asked her and it wasn't like there was a need for it? :shrug (not that there ever is a need for whining, lol.)

Then we went to the grocery store. She whined about me not getting her another cheese sample, then she moved on to apple juice, then yogurt. I would tell her no, explain why, and then move on. I didn't use too much distraction because I was trying to remember what I needed, just explained why and said "No" calmly but firmly. She wasn't really loud, but would continue to whine about it. I don't tend to give into these things, I'm not sure why she thinks it'll change my mind.

On the way home, I pointed out a big flag she likes. She saw it briefly, and then we turned and it went out of sight behind a tree. Then she started whining, "I can't see it, I can't see it!" Once again, I explained why, I was kind but firm, and she kept on whining about it. I finally got her distracted by telling her to look for dogs walking through the neighborhood.

I am having a tough time determining whether she is simply whining because she gets her mind set on something and just can't get it off without help, or if this is true "whining/begging" etc. because she really thinks if she whines enough she'll get her way. I just want to make sure that there isn't something I'm *supposed* to be doing to teach her not to whine, or if this is just a toddler thing? I just really don't like the whiny voice that she uses. :blush


Wow my son is doing stuff sooooo similar to this already. I wonder if that means I have a tough year ahead. The whining this week has been unbearable!! :nails This morning we went to the library, and on the way back from the library he was fussing every time the sun was shining on him. And since its cmoing in the back window there's nothing I can do about it, and I tell him that, but he fusses anyway. :shrug And every time we move on from an activity that he thinks he is not done with (like the cheese samples) he whiiiines....

On another note, some cheese samples sound really good right now. :grin

illinoismommy
02-28-2006, 01:04 PM
I feel like this should be obvious to me, but it is not. :scratch C has started whining more lately, asking for things in a whiny tone of voice- EVEN if I *just* offered it to her! For example, today, I asked her, "Do you need a diaper change?" b/c she had gotten up from her nap. (she doesn't let me check her anymore.) She said, "No." Okay, that's fine. Five seconds later, "Chaaange diaaaaper!" in a whiny voice. :shrug Why did she whine when I had just asked her and it wasn't like there was a need for it? :shrug (not that there ever is a need for whining, lol.)

Then we went to the grocery store. She whined about me not getting her another cheese sample, then she moved on to apple juice, then yogurt. I would tell her no, explain why, and then move on. I didn't use too much distraction because I was trying to remember what I needed, just explained why and said "No" calmly but firmly. She wasn't really loud, but would continue to whine about it. I don't tend to give into these things, I'm not sure why she thinks it'll change my mind.

On the way home, I pointed out a big flag she likes. She saw it briefly, and then we turned and it went out of sight behind a tree. Then she started whining, "I can't see it, I can't see it!" Once again, I explained why, I was kind but firm, and she kept on whining about it. I finally got her distracted by telling her to look for dogs walking through the neighborhood.

I am having a tough time determining whether she is simply whining because she gets her mind set on something and just can't get it off without help, or if this is true "whining/begging" etc. because she really thinks if she whines enough she'll get her way. I just want to make sure that there isn't something I'm *supposed* to be doing to teach her not to whine, or if this is just a toddler thing? I just really don't like the whiny voice that she uses. :blush


Wow my son is doing stuff sooooo similar to this already. I wonder if that means I have a tough year ahead. The whining this week has been unbearable!! :nails This morning we went to the library, and on the way back from the library he was fussing every time the sun was shining on him. And since its cmoing in the back window there's nothing I can do about it, and I tell him that, but he fusses anyway. :shrug And every time we move on from an activity that he thinks he is not done with (like the cheese samples) he whiiiines....

On another note, some cheese samples sound really good right now. :grin