Proper age expectation for "coming" to parent when called

[happy2bmama]

Ds is only 26 months old and dh is getting frustrated because when he asks ds to come, and ds won't always come and certainly doesn't come NOW. At what age is that a proper expectation? Is he too young to REALLY understand? Or are there things that we can do to help him understand??

:popcorn

[Wonder Woman]

Does your dh drop everything and come running when you call?

Do you for your dh?

Does either of you for your ds?

:shifty

My 27 mo doesn't either...and we don't expect him to yet. TBH, we aren't that great about modeling it - there's a lot of 'just a minute, sweetie, be right there' that goes on here. :giggle

[happy2bmama]

Does your dh drop everything and come running when you call?

Do you for your dh?

Does either of you for your ds?

Well, I hear what you're saying but there ARE times when it's DANGEROUS if ds doesn't come to us. For example, playing in the front yard, sometimes he is walking towards the street and he won't stop running..... that REALLY scares us. So, just trying to get an understanding of when to reasonably expect ds to understand.... that's all.

[Wonder Woman]

I agree...I know what you're saying and I was just being a bit tongue in cheek there ;) Not trying to be snarky :hug

The thing is...I don't know any children, no matter how they are raised (GBD or punitively) that come when called 100% of the time :shrug

I don't know any adults that do, either.

I don't think our kids understand enough for us to trust that a 'come here now' will over ride that impulse to dart for the road. I think it's a slightly unrealistic expectation from your dh - but I understand why he wishes for it!! (with an active 2yo...oh how nice that would be! :giggle )

I do think it gets better with age, as it should. I know my friend's 3 and 4 yo's are much better with it than ds is at 27 mo. :shrug

[milkmommy]

Its not reasonable to expect a 2 year old to get not running into the street because they don't understand the danger if they did they wouldn't run into the street.Possiibility of death is a big deterent for most :shrug I'd certaintly teach him to comply thee are games code words ect than can help but I'd never just assume that at say 3 they can suddenly do it. Till then you hold the responsiblity to keep him safe that many times keeping a young child within carms reach or staying in the back yard ect when possible.

Deanna

[hsgbdmama]

One thing that Dr. Lehman suggests (and it has worked with ds2) is that when you want them to come to you, face them and then slowly start walking backwards -- they will follow. Give that a try and see how it works, and let us know if it works or not -- I'm curious.

[canadiyank]

One thing I practiced with my dd, for those emergency situations, was to yell "Halt!" We practiced that on walks, she would go on a little ahead and I will yell "Halt!" and she would immediately stop and wait for me to catch up. I got the idea from someone else, and really like it b/c Halt is a strong word, and ususual, so it's specific to those situations, instead of their name or "no" or even "stop." I've used it a couple times in real situations and it worked, she halted immediately. I think the key is to make it a fun game to practice so it becomes automatic to stop when they hear it. HTH!

[Amber]

I don't think I would expect a 2yr old to come all the time. I would teach them to stop to a word like "halt" or "danger" rather than expect them to come, and still I don't think that is a guarentee. We live of a fairly busy street, we do have a split rail fence around most of the front yard, but ds can still get out. We have worked really hard with him that to get him to understand that if wants to walk on the sidewalk he has to hold our hand. It has taken a bit of work, but it is paying off, and he will now (usually) wait at the opening to the sidewalk for us to come hold his hand. If he goes of the grass once he gets a warning, on the second time we go inside.


One thing that Dr. Lehman suggests (and it has worked with ds2) is that when you want them to come to you, face them and then slowly start walking backwards -- they will follow. Give that a try and see how it works, and let us know if it works or not -- I'm curious.


I try this occasionally while on walks with my ds (20mo)...it works sometimes. But if he is intent on something else then he will most likely continue doing his own thing.

[snlmama]

I guess, like Jadensmom said I'm not sure they're ever (and I say this about children in general, not just my kids.. :grin) going to come running *every time* the parent calls.

My kids are 3 and 6. They come when I call them most of the time. :think I do find it useful to teach something like "STOP" w/ running toward the street. Playing "Stop and Go" or "Red Light, Green light" can be useful for this as once they are used to the games they will stop when they hear "Red light" or "Stop." :yes

And, honestly w/ a child who doesn't "get it" about the street yet I'd have them play only in the backyard or w/in arms reach of you or w/ you between the child and the street if in the front. Until they do get it. My oldest got this very early b/c we lived on a busy street when he was young and he sense the panic in us when he went near the street. Now, we live on a quiet cul-de-sac where the older kids play in the street part a lot so I've had a hard time teaching ds2 to stay out of the street. And I can't seem to get myself to that same level of panic when he runs in *our* street. So, even though he's 3 1/2 now I have to hold his hand or watch very closely if we are near a street that actually has cars on it.... :O

[hsgbdmama]

ITA with the other posters here regarding setting some boundaries/rules for being outside.

With ds1, we practiced "STOP," and I explained to him that for us to be outside, he needs to be able to stop when we say so -- IOW we cannot be outside much if he is not going to listen. We also helped him out in this area by staying in the part of the yard furthest from the street (we didn't spend much time in the front yard because the street was too tempting). Repetition and consistency are the key. Likewise, we taught him early that when we are in a parking lot, sidewalk or street, he needs to hold our hand or hang on to the cart/stroller.

As he grew older and started understanding more, then we were able to move to the front yard and he stopped and came back when he started getting too close (although our driveway is 2/3 paved and 1/3 gravel -- we told him that he could play on the cement but not the gravel).

We will do the same with ds2 -- although he is definitely one to beeline straight to the street. :eek

[happy2bmama]

I don't think I would expect a 2yr old to come all the time.

OK.... let's just start with this. At what age is it reasonable to expect that a child will either come to you, OR say, "just a minute" most of the time. I certainly am not looking for "all" the time or perfection. There HAS to be an age that they are CAPABLE of this.

[jujubnme]

Well, how quickly they learn to come to you will vary a little bit depending on the individual child... Some kids are just more impulsive, yk? But you'll see an improvement in compliance over the next couple of years. My ds is 4, and he's generally pretty good about coming when asked... but not always. ;)

[snlmama]

I don't think I would expect a 2yr old to come all the time.

OK.... let's just start with this. At what age is it reasonable to expect that a child will either come to you, OR say, "just a minute" most of the time. I certainly am not looking for "all" the time or perfection. There HAS to be an age that they are CAPABLE of this.


I think, like everyone has said, it varies by child. My 3 year old can do this. I'm not sure exactly when he started, but he's 3 1/2 and he does at least respond when I call him. :think Now, TBH, my 6 year old was by my side all the time until he was about 3 or 4, so.... :shrug

[happy2bmama]

True, quality discipline combines knowledge of age appropriate behaviors, reasonable standards, clear expectations, proactive discipline and consistency.
This statement is from the GCM statement on gentle discipline. I truly understand that every child is different and that it varies by child. But there has to be a "range" of ages when some children can START to understand. And then there has to be an age, given no developmental problems, that we can expect our children to really understand, right? For EVERY stage with my ds, I've tried to understand what his capabilities are so that I know what I can and can not expect. I'm just asking a simple question - at what age can I expect if I say, "dear child come here" can he begin to understand that and at what age should I expect that he will either respond verbally by saying, "one minute" or will actually come? I'm simply looking for a reasonable expectation on this.... and I UNDERSTAND that all children are different.....

[canadiyank]

I'm sorry you're frustrated you're not finding the answer you are looking for. I'm not sure. I think most of us are talking only from personal experience with our kids, yk. Have you checked out Ames and Ilg's "Your X-year Old" series? They have a good rundown of age-appropriate behaviors and when things (in general) happen...

[snlmama]

I honestly don't recall reading anywhere a specific age for this. I think it would be the same as the age for following "one-step" verbal directions. 2-3, I think. I don't personally have a book w/ that in it at home. :think

But, the being able to respond appropriately would depend on their verbal abilities. My youngest was not verbal enough to respond in that way until close to age 3, but others might be able to. And just b/c they understand doesn't mean they have the impulse control, etc. to do it. I do think by 3 it would be reasonable to expect them to understand, for sure. But, I wouldn't say that it would be safe to let them play near the street if they don't seem to be able to regularly do it, regardless of the "typical age." swim? I think the story about the street is making many of us more cautious about how we answer the basic question of your post, tbh. :hugheart

I'm honestly not trying to be indirect or avoid your question. I just honestly don't think there is such a cut and dry answer to it. :peace

[Cherish]

My husband made a big deal about this as well. It was not one of my battles. he would sit on the couch with Grace's shoes and ask her to come, she would not listen or comply, and he would punish her. I, on the other hand, would simply go to her with the shoes and get her started. It doesnt work for everything, but that';s just an example of something I just didnt make into an issue to start with and he did.

What started working for us, sad to say, was when we visited a friend who used the Pearl's "coming" command with her kids. She trained, I assumed, as the Pearls teach.

While we visited, Grace started imitating her friend. In fact, when we came home, she wanted to show Papa what new trick she had learned. She told him she was going to go to the living room, and that he should call her to come. She said "coming!" and came, and did this several more times. She thought it was great. I guess she was about 3 or 4 at the time.

Lily always saw Grace doing this, and now they both do it. We didnt instruct, we didnt train, it was just something they picked up from a friend while we were there on vacation.

We remind them that a proper response to being called is not "what", and "yeah" is also discouraged. We do not require our children to respond at all, and do not "require them" to come when called. They just usually say "coming" or show up. They are 3 and 6.

[DogwoodMama]

While we visited, Grace started imitating her friend. In fact, when we came home, she wanted to show Papa what new trick she had learned. She told him she was going to go to the living room, and that he should call her to come. She said "coming!" and came, and did this several more times. She thought it was great. I guess she was about 3 or 4 at the time.

This struck me... of course here at GCM we do not endorse Pearl-type training methods (involving punishment) but as I read this thread I noted again and again how "practicing" can be fun to kids and effective as well... i.e., "Halt", and I know other parents have done Red light/Green light. My own dd has instituted a game called "Come 'ere Charlotte!" where she will walk into another room or ride her scooter into another room and say, "Mommy, say come 'ere Charlotte!" which I will do, and she will re-appear, huge grin on her face. :grin Obviously she developed this game because I would occassionally request "Come here, Charlotte" and she really likes it. :tu Over time she has gotten pretty consistent about complying when I do indeed need her to come... not always, though. If she does not come, I usually go to *her* very quickly b/c it is a signal she is too involved to stop herself, and I have found her a couple of times "into" something. (burying her foot in her sand table spilling sand everywhere and wetting toliet tissue when she was supposed to be washing her hands are a couple I can recall! :O) I try not to "overuse" it though, and be mindful of when I really do need her to come.

[Irene]

But, the being able to respond appropriately would depend on their verbal abilities. My youngest was not verbal enough to respond in that way until close to age 3, but others might be able to. And just b/c they understand doesn't mean they have the impulse control, etc. to do it. I do think by 3 it would be reasonable to expect them to understand, for sure. But, I wouldn't say that it would be safe to let them play near the street if they don't seem to be able to regularly do it, regardless of the "typical age." swim? I think the story about the street is making many of us more cautious about how we answer the basic question of your post, tbh. hug with heart I agree :shrug

My 2 yr old will do it a lot of the times, my 4 yr old has a very very very hard time with it, still :shrug and we use GBD on both of them ;) ds responds well to game adn such, we did that for years with dd and she still doesnt seem to "get it" :shrug I know you want a cut and dry answer, but I agree with the others, I jsut dont think there is one, and, the road example made me hesitant to answer as well. i wouldnt trust my 4 yr old to play on the yard, nor my 2 year old who usually responds well :shrug

Im sorry you are frustrated. my husband gets frustrated with it as well.

[mommy2abigail]

Your dc is 2 right? I think this would be an appropriate time to 'start' working on it. No punishments, just be consistent that when you call him to follow through, kwim? That being said, he probably wont 'get it' for at least a year. I know, not what you wanted to hear probably, but it really does take ALOT of practice. Make it into a game, if that helps. I find with the kids I sit for , that if I call them and they don't at least verbally respond, I got to them, get down on their level, and while touching them (hand on shoulder, holding their hand, ect.) I say, "when tata (what they call me) calls you, you need to either come to me or say, 'just a minute'." Then I physically guide them to where I was standing. Or if I say, it's lunch time, lets all go to the table, and they are having a hard time getting there, I go to them and holding their hand take them to the table, while repeatig myself. I start this when they are about 18 months old. I know that is young, and I know they wont get it that young, but they do get it soon, and it requires not punishing or getting frustrated. For the most part, now all the kids I sit for come when called, even at the playground! (they are between 2-3 yo) Most of the time, it's not that the kid is dilibrately disobeying, its that they just cannot process the command as quickly as we would like them to. It takes them a longer time to send t he message to their feet to "stop!" I think this is true until they are about 5 yo. That doesn't mean you cannot start to teach them for it, it just means that you need to allow for mistakes from the kid. HTH!