Un-kind MIL advice on discipline

[trustingGod2]

I need some advice. My MIL has a comment on the way that we discipline our son pretty much every time we talk she'll hear my DH tell him something while on the phone and finds that she has something to input. So far she has sent me information from a local newspaper on proper toddler schedules, has slapped my son on the wrist for something like throwing his food (we told her never to do that again), she thinks yelling NO constantly will instill fear to make him stop, and believes that he needs a time-out He's 20 months and after reading other posts he's seems pretty normal at this age. Clinbing on chairs to turn on lights or to reach something, throwing toys. He isn't yet talking but he understands what you are saying We redirect and continue to tell him no throwing and show him how the yoy should be used. Any discipline recommendations or comments on how to handle my MIL I'm thinking of telling her to please keep comments on how we raise our children to herself. TIA Kate

[MarynMunchkins]

Have you read the Bean Dip sticky in the Gentle Discipline forum? :)

[trustingGod2]

I hadn't but I am in minutes TY

[Mama Rophe]

I second the bean dip idea. I have to use it quite frequently with my MIL. Finaly I had dh talk to her about it. It stopped it for a while but I think she needs a gentle reminder. ;) In the meantime bean dip usually works. When it doesn't work and she keep going I tell her that either we change the subject or I will hang up the phone. She usually changes the subject.

[trustingGod2]

I noticed someone else asked the question what exactly is the "Bean Dip" is it a code word that you inform someone to change the subject the ? wasn't answered in the Bean Dip topic is it better to have mt DH address this rather than me it's his mother.

[Mama Rophe]

Iis it better to have mt DH address this rather than me it's his mother.


That's really up to you and your dh. I would rather have my dh address things like this with his mother because she seems to listen to him better. If you feel comfortable talking to her then I would do it myself. :shrug

[allisonintx]

With my IL's we had to bean dip until they could see the fruit of our ways, and now they know we're just wierd but that the kids don't seem to suffer because of it ;) It took about six years, fwiw.

[snlmama]

With my IL's we had to bean dip until they could see the fruit of our ways, and now they know we're just wierd but that the kids don't seem to suffer because of it ;) It took about six years, fwiw.


Interesting, b/c my oldest is 6 and I've noticed that my parents have stopped giving me so much advice along these lines...

[OpalsMom]

I noticed someone else asked the question what exactly is the "Bean Dip" is it a code word that you inform someone to change the subject the ? wasn't answered in the Bean Dip topic is it better to have mt DH address this rather than me it's his mother.


No, it's just a name for the technique. You only actually talk about bean dip if you have some. If you don't have any bean dip handy, you use some other line. "Nice shoes; where did you get them?" "How's your garden coming along?" etc. etc. etc. You don't try to get them to change the subject, you change the subject yourself. If it helps, think of 5 things your MIL likes talking about and post the list next to the phone so you don't have to think of anything on the fly. Telling cute stories about what your kid does is good for ILs, I find.

I admit to having stood next to DH while he was on the phone hissing "Bean dip! Bean dip!" at him (it did not work, he did insist on arguing about Santa Claus with his parents :rolleyes )

[hsgbdmama]

I noticed someone else asked the question what exactly is the "Bean Dip" is it a code word that you inform someone to change the subject the ? wasn't answered in the Bean Dip topic is it better to have mt DH address this rather than me it's his mother.


Yes, it basically is a gentle yet firm way to set boundaries -- and if they still don't get it, then you need to come right out and state the boundary (including leaving the room or hanging up the phone).

But bean dip has been applicable in situations besides GBD, such as homeschooling (which I have used).

Another way to look at it is to answer the person's question without being dragged down into their agenda or being forced to defend your position. It also is not to be used to push **your** beliefs on anyone else.

So here is an example of how you can :beandip2 your MIL:

Her: "Why aren't you yelling at him? He won't listen unless you yell."
You or dh: "Thank you for your concern. So what are your plans for the weekend?"

Her: "You really need to start slapping his wrists for stuff."
You: "We will not strike our child, and will not allow anyone else to do so either. We will parent him, why don't you simply enjoy him? We want you to have a good relationship with him, but if you continue insisting that he be hit, we will leave."

[Carrie]

Hi Katie:

I love this thread. I'd never heard of the Bean Dip tactic, but I think it's great! DH and I were reading it and just got tickled. :mrgreen

Think about the ironic humor in Passing the Bean Dip .....

IL's are complaining b/c toddler is displaying NORMAL developmental behavior such as:

throwing things
touching things

Parents are constructively handling training their DS by .......REDIRECTING, REDIRECTING, REDIRECTING

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now.....
Parents are complaining b/c IL's are displaying inappropriate behavior.

Parents are constructively handling training their IL's by ......REDIRECTING, REDIRECTING, REDIRECTING

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


:beandip

:jump2

You're a wonderful Mommy! Keep up the good work!
Love, Auntie Carol

[hsgbdmama]

Now.....
Parents are complaining b/c IL's are displaying inappropriate behavior.

Parents are constructively handling training their IL's by ......REDIRECTING, REDIRECTING, REDIRECTING


:clap Great insight!!!! :tu