Bad night - What should I have done differently?

[GrumpyMom]

I need help here :(. Ds is over 2 1/2 yo. We had a very bad night and I've cried, wondered if I'm doing everything wrong, etc.

Dh is gone 3 nights a week this semester. We usually do dinner at my parents those evenings (they live a few blocks away). Tonight my mom suggested we go to the mall after dinner, which ds loves. He was excited to go and things went great for about half the time. Things fell apart when we took him to the Thomas table in the department store while I went to the bathroom (I'm 33 weeks pg :giggle). We talked in advance that it's hard to say goodbye but we don't have a fit, playing with the trains is fun and when it's time to say goodbye it's okay to be sad but we shouldn't throw a tantrum (all in toddler lingo). We let him play for quite a while and then when it was time to go he was upset he couldn't take a train with him and cried, stormed, wouldn't walk, was very angry and upset. I tried to talk through his feelings and I tried to distract by saying we could go to the fountain to throw in a few coins or get a smoothie. Should I have just picked him up and gone to the car right then? I know that when kids are acting up in a store it's best to just walk out, but I felt so mean. He's only 2 and I hated to end things "unsuccessfully" (sp?). So he calmed down (still a little grumpy) and we got a smoothie, but then when it was time to leave after that he threw another tantrum and screamed from the middle of the mall, the whole way home, until we got in the house (my dad carried him out). All he would say was "Mom, Mom, Mom" the whole way home. We talked at home about why he was upset and he said because he wanted to stay at the mall.

Then it was time for the tub. We chose two books to take with us upstairs and everything seemed to have turned the corner, but then he was doing the "limp noodle" when we were going up the stairs. He just lay there pouting so I told him that he looked tired so he'd need to go to bed without a bath or books if he couldn't get up the stairs. So he went up the stairs, but kept acting naughty while I undressed him for the tub, etc. He wouldn't get into the tub because there was residue from the oatmeal bath dh gave him last night. Although I can't blame him for not liking the tub situation (he's a fastidious (sp?) one about mixing foods, sticky hands, etc), I was in no condition to clean it out (I'm quite pg and my back is bad), so I told him he could help me rinse the oatmeal down once we started the water. No. He just stood there and resisted and pouted and cried. So I picked him up and took him straight to bed and got him in jammies and we laid down together while I patted his back and he cried "Mom, Mom, Mom!" He wanted to read the books we picked but I told him 'no' since he was throwing tantrums and acting tired. He stopped crying after about 5 min. and then fell asleep after about 30 min.

What should I have done differently? Was I punitive? I try not to be but sometimes I'm at a loss. I try to give choices, but tonight it was like talking to a brick wall. The past 3 or so days have been like this, especially afternoon/evening. He takes a nap in the afternoon, but he's at the stage where it is pushing his bedtime back to about 9 or 9:30 (he just can't fall asleep earlier if he takes the nap, and he needs the nap). It just seems like he gets this "attitude" (the only way I can describe it) of pouty, snotty, resist everything, scream if he doesn't get his way behavior. We've never experienced this before, really only if he's hungry or constipated. He's a very nice little boy and generally so happy and affectionate. I don't like control issues, I don't like punishment, we are gentle and we try to be loving but not indulgent. But lately I wonder if we ARE indulgent. But when he gets like this it's like there's no getting through, he's too upset to even reason with. I don't even believe punishing him would change things (and I'm not going to do that anyway). It seems like my punitive friend's dd doesn't ever have these kind of issues (although they have their own set of problems). What am I doing wrong? Is this normal 2 yo behavior? What can I do better or what resources should I investigate? Please help!

[cindergretta]

Argh! I had this whole detailed reply typed up and when I went to post it, I got closed out of my browser! :hissyfit

One more time--- You did fine! My advice is this--- Don't offer a bribe when he gets upset about changing activities. Build the "bribe" into the plan. You tell him ahead of time that you will be going to "The Store" and he will get to play with the trains, then you will go for a snack. Then you will go home, have a bath, read a book that he will get to choose and then go to bed. At 2 1/2, I wouldn't tell him the whole evening in advance, but the next couple of things. Store, trains, snack. Home, bath, story. Bed. I mean, you can mention the whole agenda, but it is a lot to take in for one so young. Offer hugs and tell him that you understand that he is angry/sad/disappointed/etc. But keep going with the "plan." Keep him in the loop as much as you can as far as what is happening and when.

Two y/os are very special people. They are stuck between baby and child with little in the way of communication skills, maturity or self control. But they crave independence and control. I think your little guy and mine are attending the same school for two year old twit behavior! Anyway, whenever you can, give him choices. "Do you want peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese?" "Do you want to wear this or this?" When it is time to leave a beloved activity, (And you have set it up BEFOREHAND) ask "Do you want a banana smoothie or a strawberry one?" You know what I mean? Allow him whatever control is reasonable and/or doable. But to the very best of your ability, avoid offering something to get him to do something. You don't want him to think his tantrum is getting him treats. I would also avoid taking away the planned treat b/c he is upset about the activity change. Expect that he won't handle his disappointment well. And try to handle it calmly and matter-of-factly. (Hugs and cuddles are OK, just don't back down.) And remember that he has no sense of time yet. Telling him you will leave in 5 minutes means nothing to him. Say "It is almost time to go." "Put Thomas back in his house. It is time to leave now." "We are leaving now. Bye Thomas." Each of these statements coming a minute or 2 apart. Then pick him up (or have another non-pg person pick him up :P ) and leave.

I know this is long. But I am passionate about this age. People seem so eager to think two year olds are terrible. (I am SO NOT saying that is you. You seem very loving!!!!) I don't think they are terrible. I think they are trying. But what a neat and wonderful age. I love this age and adore my own little guy. As much as he is giving me gray hair, he is filling me with laughter and joy! I look at it as a sort of prep for teenagers. It is a smaller scale version of the same growing pains they go through. Know that in his heart, pleasing you is of utmost importance to him. He just isn't necesarily able to handle his emotions yet. What causes him to run to you and throw his arms around you and squeeze is the same impulsiveness that causes melt downs when things don't go according to his plan. BTW, you can't "reason with" a two year. They haven't achieved logical thinking yet. Reasoning requires logic and that will come later. You can start and aid this process by saying "If you_______, we will _________." But make sure it makes sense. "If you are quiet, we can read this book." Not "If you eat these peas, you can go swimming." One having nothing to do with the other! :P Hope you could make it through this book! Good luck and :hugs

[mommy2abigail]

It sounds like you did great! I agree with the pp about not bribing, but woking it into the plan beforehand, like if you know it will be hard to leave the trains, have something fun already planned for afterwards, yk? I think maybe he was tired? and although you can't reason with a two year old in normal circumstances, trying to reason when they are tired is automatic failure for both you and him. So I think cutting the bedtime routine was a good idea, you sensed his need for sleep and responded accordingly.

[Radosny Matka]

:hug2 It sounds to me like he was a typical overtired, overstimulated little 2-1/2 year old. To his credit, it was late and near bedtime. Sometimes those things just happen and you have to roll with the punches, so to speak.