OK, someone please explain to me

[Chris3jam]

how to set up your children for success? Give me an example?

[ArmsOfLove]

Well, we have "rules" for different places. House rules, restaurant rules, park rules, zoo rules, Dr. office rules. And before we go someplace we review the rules. when they are young I tell them each time. Eventually I have them tell me. Eventually I can say, "You know the rules--any questions?" The last rule on every list is "Listen to mommy's words" because I'm there to help them succeed and will remind them of the rules and will tell them how to navigate new things that come up. We make following the rules and being successful the goal and I do all I can to make it happen. If we'll be there during a hungry time I have snacks; drinks; toys; distractions; etc. I try to time tough stops before fun stops so they have something to look forward to and so I can keep them focused with, "the sooner we get this done, the sooner we get to X" I look at things with a forward motion and try to keep us moving in the same direction together :)

[Chris3jam]

We have the rules, too. We go through the same thing. We talk about appropriate behaviour for where we'll be, etc. I try not to do anything during hungry time. . .and I try to have something they can do wherever we go. I try to give them something to look forward to. . I try to give 8 and 9 yo responsibilities, etc.,etc. Now. . .

what do you do when they don't follow the rules? When you keep reminding them, and reminding them, and reminding them.

For instance. . . at the grocery store. I try to get them to help me (responsibility and distraction), try to keep is short, make sure it's not during hungry time, etc. But, in variably, consistantly, always, all the time. . they don't listen. They play-fight, real fight, run around, yell, etc., and generally make a nuisance out of themselves, getting in people's way, etc. I've had them hold on to the cart, with my hand on top of their's, and they'll be swiping at each other, pulling the cart every which way, etc. This gets dd going. I don't know how else to handle it. Losing the "fun" thing we'd planned for afterwards just does not have any effect. At all. Now, I admit I get very, very upset, because these kids are 8 and 9 years old. They are certainly old enough for good behaviour the hour (or less) we are in the store. No, I don't yell at them or whatever - this is that "inside" volcano. I get angry.

When we get home, the rule is to help mommy bring in the groceries. They're strong enough to bring them in while I put them away. And they start to climb the trees, chase each other, play in the mud. . whatever. They will "forget". They will get distracted. And I just do not know how else to get through to them. Obviously what I'm doing is not working. Again, the inward frustration is because these people are 8 and 9 years old. This should not be necessary for me to have to treat them like babies. I've already separated them for their showers at night -- if they both go upstairs, well, we'll be there for 4 hours, and they will still have not taken a bath. So, I make sure they are separated.

Again. . . this is just becoming so frustrating. I'm just not making any kind of inroads with these people. I have no effect on them whatsoever. :shrug

Now, if daddy is home and not downstairs working, he involves himself. His answer to all these behaviours is. . yeah, spanking. So, he threatens and threatens and yells, and finally spanks. And it seems to set us back even more. :(

[Chris3jam]

Oh, and should there be some other consequences for rude and bad behaviour that continues after they have already "lost" the "fun" thing? I mean, what kinds of things do you do if the rules just aren't enough or don't work?