Rebuilding after punitive parenting

[Gentle Journey]

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[cindergretta]

I am eagerly waiting to hear the replies to this one... My words have definitely hurt my 9 y/o. She now tends to see the negative in everything (looks for it) and she seems so unsure of herself. How could I do this to her?! :cry

:hug s to you both while you work through this. She is only 4, right? Her little spirit will bounce back. Now we just need to wait for these wise mamas to tell us how to help our dds be the happy little people God intended them to be...

:pray 'ing

[RealLifeMama]

Well, the "gurus" on the board will remind you that "ha[[y is not the only acceptable emotion" but I don't think you are meaning she needs to be happy and cheerful all the time. I think you are speaking more of how to help her feel better aboutherself and not feel downtrodden, is that right?

I struggle with the same with my DD. She acts out because she feel s bad, and feels like she can't do better.
She seems to respond well when I pray with her. It sounds like you are already doing things right- using GBD, making dietary changes, spending one-on-one time, etc. :tu

I actually struggle with permissiveness that results in yelling from frustration. It has been a few weeks since I have yelled at her and she still thinks of me as a yeller- she tells her daddy she doesn't like me because I yell at her "all the time"
My DD just like me, too, so I understand the fear there.

[Wonder Woman]

I've been guilty of speaking harshly to my ds, too :blush And I hate that about me, because it's the words that did the most damage to me, you know? :hissyfit

What I do when I slip up and speak out of frustration is to instantly stop myself, go hug my ds, and tell him I'm sorry. I'll explain that I should have used gentle words with him, and ask him what he asks me when he goofs up "I need to try again." And if he seems quite hurt by it, I give him a big snuggle while I pray out loud and ask God to help me do better.

That seems to instantly restore our connection - of course, my ds is younger than your dc. But I think them seeing us be humble and acknowledge that we did wrong is great for building back up their self-esteem...they see themselves as deserving of an apology that way :tu

[Shawn]

:hug2 I'm another one who tends to punish with my words/voice. :blush My dd is super sensitive too.

The book I Love You Rituals has been wonderful for restoring the relationship with dd1.

:pray

[MarynMunchkins]

I've found that special rountines like story time or fingernail painting helps us reconnect. Playing games with them or doing art is a really good way to have them expresse their emotions in a non-threatening way. :)

[Maggie]

I actually struggle with permissiveness that results in yelling from frustration.
Same here. :( I also "punish with my voice," like someone else said. DD says to me, "I want you be nice to me." :cry What must she be thinking when I apologize, but do the same thing againso many times? My DD is very sensitive, too, and we don't have much one-on-one time together, either. So, I'm :popcorn

[Marsha]

I actually struggle with permissiveness that results in yelling from frustration.
Same here. :( I also "punish with my voice," like someone else said. DD says to me, "I want you be nice to me." :cry What must she be thinking when I apologize, but do the same thing againso many times? My DD is very sensitive, too, and we don't have much one-on-one time together, either. So, I'm :popcorn


yep

[mommy2abigail]

Quote: What must she be thinking when I apologize, but do the same thing again so many times?
That it is ok to mess up, that it is ok not to be perfect, that you will forgive her many times over, like she forgives you many times over. Don't beat yourself up mama, we all do things we are not proud of, how lucky for your dd that you realize your mistakes and work to change. She is learning so many good things from you! :hug

[wombmate3]

Quote: What must she be thinking when I apologize, but do the same thing again so many times?
That it is ok to mess up, that it is ok not to be perfect, that you will forgive her many times over, like she forgives you many times over. Don't beat yourself up mama, we all do things we are not proud of, how lucky for your dd that you realize your mistakes and work to change. She is learning so many good things from you! :hug


This is just what I was going to say. I make it a point to apologize to my children when I have wronged them or hurt them. I figure it's actually GOOD for them to see that I am a frail human in need of Grace, just as they are. :hug :heart It's so hard to be a parent. With all my intense love for my children also comes an equally as intense frustration with them as well. It took about a year of intense GBD for us to really start to see huge leaps in my oldest's attitude. He is rather intense and dramatic. My middle child is also extremely sensitive, and I really have to watch my tone with her. Not a one of us is perfect!!! :grouphug

[Maggie]

Thanks, mommy2abigail! :hug

[fourbygrace]

Thanks for asking this question, OP. And the replies here have been really encouraging to me. I have the same feeling with my DD and she has told me "I hate it when you yell".

Mommy2Abigail, thanks for the reminder of God's grace!

Blessings,
Mary

[Gentle Journey]

Thanks for all the replies. I think I need the I love you rituals book. :tu I'm always focusing on books to change how I deal with problems...time for me to focus more on the good.

[Marsha]

Thanks for all the replies. I think I need the I love you rituals book. :tu I'm always focusing on books to change how I deal with problems...time for me to focus more on the good.


I second the recommendation and your sentiment about focusing on good. It has helped here somewhat...when I remember.

[blessedMom]

There are so many great ideas here. I hope I can add one more.

For both of you (all of us!) remember that we get our self-esteem from God. Studying our position in Christ, and Bible verses that affirm God's love for us can help our inner voices and emotions - even when we aren't happy - to be built up in love and affirmation. I hope that makes sense. :) :scratch At times I still struggle with anger and how I don't like myself, and depression, too. I rest in the fact that the word of God does not come back void - memorizing the word can really lift up your spirit and esteem and put proper esteem in God.

[Gentle Journey]

I rest in the fact that the word of God does not come back void



My MIL just said that to me....maybe I'm really meant to get that message.