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View Full Version : i'm conflicted, WWYD?


LadybugSam
02-17-2006, 11:38 AM
OK this might be int he wrong forum but...

Dh's grandfather died Wednesday morning. Sinse then we have been spending a lot of time with grandma because she needs her family close to her during this time. The first day we went over there, EVERYBODY was there. Dh has a huge family and they were all there. Having the baby there was good for the family i think. Seeing him run around like crazy and explore the house and run outside was a good distraction i think. Well Caleb (who is 2) was acting a lot more hyper than normal. It was the same way he acted this last christmas, having all the family together like that is way out of the norm for him because we usually stay at home most of the time and aren't around a lot of people.

I figured DH woudl help, and he did, a little. FIL and MIL also helped with the baby some. But he still kept trying to climb up the stairs, talk to the fish, push buttons, etc. Honestly if that was all that he was doing i was fine with having him over there. I didn't want to upset him but he seemed totally oblivious to the fact that his great-grandpa wasn't there and he didn't seem upset in anyway either.

Well on Thursday he was still in his over-active mood. I went to a friends house and he played with her kids. He was WAY hyper. We've been doing that a lot in the past couple weeks but it was still a kind of new experience for him so i just kind of chalked it up to him being excited to have cousins to play with. He was doing the same thing he was doing 3 days earlier when we were there last, chasing the girls around the house with the cat whip thing (its this stick with a long "tail" made of feathers that cats love). But after about an hour he still wouldn't calm down. He had a hard time stopping himself from doing things. He wouldn't sit down for anything, he kept hitting the fish tank (a usual behavior but this time we couldn't distract him) and when i went to take the whip away from him because his cousins needed to stop playing (way too tired and he couldn't read their signals) he hit me with it. :O We had a few other issues with hitting that day too. He didn't nap and seemed way overtired and he didn't eat much either that day. At the last minute when we were getting ready to head home for the day we were invited to diner at grandma's house. Once again he started acting like a little crazy person. Runing aroudn "discovering" things, not sitting down (even to eat and he hadn't eaten ALL DAY). Daddy went to keep him from going up the stairs and he threw himself on the floor and started kicking at him.

Him kicking at us when he's throwing a trantrum isn't totally unusual, but he had been very INTENSE all day long, and him being violent like was kind of the theme of the day which bothers me. Aparantly he's a lot more affected by this than i thought he would be. I know he doesn't understand that his great grandpa died, and i even doubt he noticed him missing from that huge group of people, but i think he knows that everyone was upset. And going ot grandmas house really upsets our usual routine (which has been screwed up for the past 2-3 weeks anyway.

I just don't know what to do. I mean the best thing for Caleb would to just not take him over there for a while and to get him comfy at home and get his routine set back in. But ont he other hand, grandma just lost her husband of 74 years, she needs her family. And DH and i both have a need to be around our family during this time. MIL told me tonight that grandma was kind of worried about the baby last night because she doesn't want him to get hurt at her house (its been YEARS sinse they've had babies around, their house is not babyproofed).

I don't know what to do. I just can't imagine NOT going over to see her. But aparantly this is really rough on Caleb. DH is having a hard time with it because he...well he just has a hard time figuring out that theres a reason why caleb acts up. Like the last time Caleb got shots he was acting clingy and micheivious and he threw tantrums a lot. He couldn't figure out that, hey caleb has a fever, he must not be feeling well, he needs some extra attention.

WWYD?

hsgbdmama
02-17-2006, 11:47 AM
:hugheart This was WAAAAYYYY too much overstimulation for him, and he needs some down time! You did fine!!! :hug Could you visit in smaller chunks of time while you get back into the routine? :think This way, you are still comforting grandma while meeting Caleb's needs. :hug

raisa
02-17-2006, 12:10 PM
:hug2 Honestly, with so much going on it sounds like he's holding it together remarkably well for a little guy.

My DS is younger but when he meltsdown at family events, I've been known to take him to the car to nurse or just play in the car for a break -- it's a pretty familiar, safe place to him. It sounds like they are within driving distance of your home? For the next few days could your DH go over there by himself for part of the day, you could keep DS home for naps and meals, and join in when DS is rested and feeling better?

As far as your DH's attitude, he's in such a rough spot right now :( I would just hang in there while you can, and put off big discussions on discipline for when you're all feeling better.

Tulip_Plus_3
02-18-2006, 01:14 PM
I'm so sorry. :hugheart

I hate to sound this way, but Caleb needs his life back more than your DH's beloved grandmother needs "everyone" around her at all times. I really think you need to take turns with your DH so one of you goes over to spend time with GMA, and the other of you stays home with Caleb.

My father died one month ago today. When he first died, and for a period of two weeks prior while he was dying, I allowed myself to cry in front of the children. I *thought* it would be a learning experience for them to see that people can be sad but still be okay, that maybe we could touch on the concept of death (my kids are three), and stuff like that. Only one time did I do the fall-on-the-floor-&-sob thing in front of them, and that was right when I found out Dad had died. ANYWAYS, my point is, this was all a HUGE mistake. My kids are just WAY too young to understand big adult feelings like intense grief. Seeing my cry, seeing me be sad, even though it was not all the time, even though I talked about it with them and made it clear my sadness & tears had nothing to do with them, wigged my kids out big time. They all went into freak-out mode: temper tantrums, screaming, crying, fighting, hyperactivity, bad dreams, the whole nightmarish gamut of toddler irrationality.

I should never have exposed my kids to my feelings like that. It was bad enough trying to accept what had happened to my dad. But to put freaked-out toddlers on top of it and have to deal with them, that was just too much. I soon realized that I needed to keep a very tight grip on my emotions so as not to upset my children any further. So that's what I've been trying to do. Mind you, I've not been perfect at it, but I have managed to not cry in front of them. I still have moments, like this morning I've been just all over the place emotionally and I know it's because we're at the one-month anniversary. But in the big picture I'm sheltering my kids from what's happened, and they are the better for it. Their emotional outbursts & "out there" behavior stopped a few days after I put a lid on my emotions.

So my WWYD advice is to shetler Caleb from what's happening. Keep his life as normal as possible. Take turns going to visit GMA without Caleb in tow. And try to not grieve in front of him, because little kids just can't handle it when the adults in their world are upset. They just can't.

Cindy
02-18-2006, 01:40 PM
I hate to sound this way, but Caleb needs his life back more than your DH's beloved grandmother needs "everyone" around her at all times. I really think you need to take turns with your DH so one of you goes over to spend time with GMA, and the other of you stays home with Caleb.

I was going to say the same thing.
:hugheart

milkmommy
02-18-2006, 02:22 PM
Two things first
I didn't want to upset him but he seemed totally oblivious to the fact that his great-grandpa wasn't there and he didn't seem upset in anyway either.
he's two he simpily doesn't understand and he wont for quite a while, death is something adults have trouble grasping he simpily doesn't understand don't fault him for that..
and


I hate to sound this way, but Caleb needs his life back more than your DH's beloved grandmother needs "everyone" around her at all times. I really think you need to take turns with your DH so one of you goes over to spend time with GMA, and the other of you stays home with Caleb.
And I'll also agree with this

Deanna