This really hurt my feelings

[LittleSweetPeas]

I am still struggling with this comment. You can move this if its not in the right forum.

A friend I am in ministry with knows that we dont spank our children. She asked why so I had shared and she has on numerous occasions mentioned in our conversations or conversations with others that I dont spank but she "definitely does". We dont debate it. At one of our meetings the other night she brought up watching my DD in sunday school and how DD is definitely opinionated. She then went on to say "With a child like that I am amazed at your ability to keep with your no spanking policy!" She laughed and I offered up a polite smile and others even mentioned it being amazing that I havent spanked her even in strong will situations.

So when thinking about it later it really hurt my feelings to hear a sunday school teacher and friend criticize me for my choice in an offhand kind of way. I really felt like she was saying that she needed a spanking. I wasnt sure how to respond to it at the time and Im wondering if I should have responded to it or whether I should in the future. I know others have dealt with family telling you they need a spanking but what do you do when its friends? And what do you do with the idea that strong willed children deserve a harsher punishment than others? I'm assuming they would believe their will needs to be broken but I'm trying to foster this strong willed spirit into something beautiful.

I guess I just felt a bit down. Partly out of thinking others think I'm doing the wrong thing and partly out of not feeling like Im doing a good job defending myself or my choices.

[OpalsMom]

Maybe she's not criticizing you; maybe she does really admire your ability to handle difficult situations without spanking. If spanking is the main tool you have, it's hard to imagine life without it. It could be the kind of sincerely meant but annoying thing you get for not watching TV or only owning one car or taking care of a demented relative (all of which I've done, and all of which I've gotten those stupid "Oh, I could NEVER do that" comments about -- two of them are just not that hard, and as for the third, well, one does what one has to). Those comments always tick me off, but I believe they are just profoundly short-sighted.

You could try saying "Self-control is a difficult skill, but I'm glad I can model it for my daughter." Or "Children like DD are a challenge no matter how you parent. I'm glad I've found a lot of different resources to help us learn together." Or even "Isn't it interesting that we're taught that adversarial relationships are the best tactic with strong-willed children? I find it's actually easier to work with her."

:hug But those are all things its easier to think of outside the situation... I'm sure I would have gone with the polite smile if I'd been there. That and shrugging and saying "Oh, it's not as hard as you might think" or "You'd be amazed what you can do when you need to" tend to be what I've done about those other issues.

[MarynMunchkins]

Let me assure that when you are spanking, the thought of not doing is bizarre. :scratch You really can't fathom how to deal with "defiant" behavior without it as an option.

:hug You don't have to defend them to her. You only have to use them with your children.

[Radosny Matka]

:hug2

[Tulip_Plus_3]

I think your friend is passively-aggressively attacking you. Because I am an up-front person, if I were in your position I would find or make a private time with my friend and directly confront her about it. It's one thing if she feels she should criticize you in private. It's something else entirely when she makes her passive-aggressive critical comments about you IN PUBLIC, opening the door for others to join in & criticize you or comment on your parenting style/skills/lack thereof. THAT is unacceptable in any situation, and THAT is what I'd confront my friend about.

[Tengokujin]

:yes

Yeah--my first thought was "passive aggressive" too.

Another option could be when these sort of comments that it is hard to know how to take happen, just ask "what do you mean? Are you curious about what tools I use with my daughter?" Then she has to put up or shut up, kwim?

Because it is NOT OK to put you on the spot if she is trying to criticize your choices or parenting.

[LittleSweetPeas]

Thank you all. I've been so focused on it with my DD being in a very new and very challenging phase. Just last night I had a woman I consider a mentor want to "talk" to me about what I've found in scripture regarding my decision to not spank DD. She really implied that maybe I am reading incorrectly,etc. and mentioned that her and her husband when youth leaders could easily identify the kids who were spanked vs the kids who were not. The funny thing is is my DD is an incredible little girl--very polite, well behaved, just strongly opinionated. I'm not quite clear if people want me to smack the strong will out of her or what. I know its not like I have a tyrant running loose with no control. Maybe I need to just keep our struggles within our family so I'm not quite as open to criticism? I just need the support, kwim?

I guess Im starting to feel the pressure a bit from others about this choice as it becomes more obvious to others. I know I probably need to be more bold but because my personality is a bit on the confrontational/argumentative side :giggle I'm practicing my verbal self-control by letting a lot of it go. Then of course it just eats at me for a week or more. :)

[LauraK]

Maybe I need to just keep our struggles within our family so I'm not quite as open to criticism? I just need the support, kwim?


I generally do not share parenting struggles with people who do not share my parenting philosophy. I recall being told with my first all the time to let my dd CIO. Now I realize that was because I complained about my dd's night awakenings. With my 2nd I just don't talk to people about struggles who are not on a similar page as me as I am looking for solutions I am willing to implement.

I totally understand wanting and needing support but someone telling you that you are parenting wrong is not support...I think you'll get much better support from GCM and hopefully you can find a real life friend with similar views as well.

I do believe your friend is being passive-aggressive and inappropriate.

[Heather Micaela]

Thank you all. I've been so focused on it with my DD being in a very new and very challenging phase. Just last night I had a woman I consider a mentor want to "talk" to me about what I've found in scripture regarding my decision to not spank DD. She really implied that maybe I am reading incorrectly,etc. and mentioned that her and her husband when youth leaders could easily identify the kids who were spanked vs the kids who were not.

Yeah, I was the same way too when I worked afternoon daycare at a Christian school. What I realize now is that I could tell the kids with parents that had discipline and boundaries from those that were permissive or lacked good discipline tools.
And what about the stong-willed kid who is contantly spanked and still does his own thing? It is as if you spank your kid and they still misbehave then "You did your best' and you are off the hook for thier behavior. BUT if you use other tools and the misbehave it is BECAUSE you don't spank.

[cindergretta]

It is as if you spank your kid and they still misbehave then "You did your best' and you are off the hook for thier behavior. BUT if you use other tools and the misbehave it is BECAUSE you don't spank.



I think this is very true. And not just about spanking. Generally speaking, if you use "against the grain" ideas or ways of raising your children, others tend to feel threatened and can dismiss any difficulties you are experiencing b/c you aren't doing ___________. It is so sad... If I sent my children to public school, spanked them for every discretion, didn't allow them to ever sleep in my bed/room, etc., my life would be so easy and my children would brilliant and perfectly behaved and I would be well rested and never lose any sleep! :eek :jawdrop I doubt it... :banghead

[cindergretta]

Maybe she's not criticizing you; maybe she does really admire your ability to handle difficult situations without spanking.



What a positive outlook! :-) I hope you are right....

LittleSweetPeas--- :hug Sometimes you need to do just what you did- smile politely. (Then run to the restroom and :rolleyes !!!)

[ArmsOfLove]

well, my best friend was willing to embrace GBD because she was amazed that with what I faced with my first I never spanked him. She realized if I could do it, anyone could :)

And when I taught Sunday School I could tell the ones who were spanked hypervigilantly--they were the worst behaved when mom and dad weren't in the room :shrug

[Joy7]

"Maybe she's not criticizing you; maybe she does really admire your ability to handle difficult situations without spanking. If spanking is the main tool you have, it's hard to imagine life without it. It could be the kind of sincerely meant but annoying thing you get for not watching TV or only owning one car or taking care of a demented relative (all of which I've done, and all of which I've gotten those stupid "Oh, I could NEVER do that" comments about -- two of them are just not that hard, and as for the third, well, one does what one has to). Those comments always tick me off, but I believe they are just profoundly short-sighted.

You could try saying "Self-control is a difficult skill, but I'm glad I can model it for my daughter." Or "Children like DD are a challenge no matter how you parent. I'm glad I've found a lot of different resources to help us learn together." Or even "Isn't it interesting that we're taught that adversarial relationships are the best tactic with strong-willed children? I find it's actually easier to work with her."

But those are all things its easier to think of outside the situation... I'm sure I would have gone with the polite smile if I'd been there. That and shrugging and saying "Oh, it's not as hard as you might think" or "You'd be amazed what you can do when you need to" tend to be what I've done about those other issues."


:clap :clap I love what you said here Opals Mom. It's very positive and an encouragement even if not the friend's intention--In a few years maybe.

Keep on keeping on Little Sweet Peas. It's hard, but you are following what God has told us to do in His word. He's never wrong. Maybe vent to safe people or like minded. Don't be afraid to look imperfect. It makes us more approachable and people more willing to ask "what we do when..." I guarantee people are watching and learning about parenting AND dependence in HIM during difficult parenting situation.

If everyone actually just wants to rip on you- so what- you are doing what is right and we GCM support you if need be.

Jen

[LittleSweetPeas]

If everyone actually just wants to rip on you- so what- you are doing what is right and we GCM support you if need be.

Jen


Thank you! :grouphug This has been a real encouragement this week when my parenting technique has seemed to be in the limelight!

[Fern]

I don't think these seem like very good friends or support. I am kind of shocked that someone would come to you asking you to defend your decision not to smack your kid with Biblical evidence. Uh, the whole New Testament, for starters? :hunh I realize many Christians feel led to try to guide others in this way, but I am nearly always offended by it.

I really like whoever made the suggestion of saying, "What do you mean? Are you curious about my parenting techniques?" It actually made me laugh out loud, because it is perfect for this situation where you can't tell if she's being snarky or genuinely interested.

About sharing parenting struggles, my feeling is that it is part of my burden, to let others know what I am challenged with so they won't feel alone if they also deal with something like that. With discipline things in particular, I am always very clear about the fact that I have no idea what I am doing, but I'd hate to have someone feel like they were the only one to deal with a high needs infant, breastfeeding challenges, kids who don't sleep through EVER ;), a very spirited preschooler, etc.