lying 3 yo

[Shawn]

D has recently started lying. She will hit/push/kick her sister and when asked what happened she'll say
"a bug bit her". :eek :giggle How can I teach her that lying is wrong?

[raisa]

One thing I think is key at this age is to set kids up to tell the truth. Don't give them a chance to lie. You can say "I saw hitting" and the proceed to respond to the situation. The "bug bit her" line sounds like she is experimenting to see whether she can change a situation by coming up with a creative excuse. If you feel strongly about it maybe you could say something like "I don't want to hear a lie," then proceed to deal with the hitting/pinching. Also, kids tend to lie when they are afraid, which happens in punitive environments. Dealing with the whole episode quickly, and then moving on, will show you are in charge and not give her too much power over the situation, either way.

I think it's important to teach that truth telling is the best choice. But to me part of that means that words are not a game. We can teach children to tell the truth by using our own words honestly. I try not to ask questions if I already know the answer -- "Did you just take a cookie?" means "I don't know whether you just took a cookie, and I need you to tell me." Using questions to quiz children is adversarial. It can confuse them -- they want to say the "right" answer (what won't get them in trouble) but that isn't the "true" answer.

Of course they need to learn to tell the truth even when it's hard, but I don't think that it's easy to teach that "in the moment" when you're disciplining about hitting too. One way to teach about "truth" is identifying different kinds of speech -- "that is make-believe" or "that is what you wish happened" or "you imagined a bug there."

[AKCristyMJ]

As a former preschool TA, I will say....don't worry...this is very very normal for this age. :mrgreen

Imagination is exsploding at around that age.
They still have a hard time seperating what is real and what is imagined, or created......hence the reason the "boogey man" becomes a very real fear, nightmares really haunt them, TV and such can really sway them....etc.

They honestly genuinely at this age do not know what a lie is.

To them what they say IS truth and they are learning that....ok just as you tell them a story and it seems incredibly real to them....they have no idea at all that Goldilocks did not actually meet up with 3 bears.....then with this "fantasy" world being so real to them they simply assume it's just as real to us.
If you can tell them Santa Clause brought their toys....then they think they can tell you their sibling was hurt by a bug. :giggle

Age 3 they just dunno what a lie is. :no
Because in their mind if they can imagine it then it IS real to them.

At age 3 they are juuuust learning the power of words and story's too.
The amazing fact that what one says puts images into anothers head.
It's still too young for them to grasp that you have a logical brain that is not quite as easily swayed as theirs is and you tend to question "fantasy" in a way they can't yet.
Frankly they just think, "What I say....goes." still.

So it's important not to make too big of a deal bout this.....yet.
Afterall in a sence their World now is full of fantasy....or lies.....from cartoons where animals talk, to books, to toys, to holiday traditions, to flying action figures. :-)
But to a 3yr old it is all absolute fact.

At that age just smile and get into it, I'd say somethin like...."Ooooo a bug hmm?? Musta been a big bug, what did it look like?" Etc
And then say, "Well hmmm lets go ask your sibling about this bug."
As in find some gentle way to catch the child IN the lie.
This will rapidly get across to him that adults are not easily lied to, and getting caught not telling the truth is no fun.
Don't punish tho.....
At the end ask her if she'd like to tell the truth-emphasis on the word truth-and emphasize that when someone is hurt mommy needs to know how it happend and it makes mommy so happy when she can count on her dd to tell her the truth.

You have afew yrs yet to truly worry bout this.
Now is when you emphasize how great you feel being told the truth and how we count on eachother for the truth.....kwim?
Because soon....they do figure out exactly how to more convincingly lie. :sad2 And by then you need her to know feelings are hurt by lies etc.

[Shawn]

Using questions to quiz children is adversarial. It can confuse them -- they want to say the "right" answer (what won't get them in trouble) but that isn't the "true" answer.

Ahhh...

Also, kids tend to lie when they are afraid, which happens in punitive environments.

This may be part of the problem. I've been dealing with her in a more punitive manner lately. :blush

To them what they say IS truth and they are learning that....ok just as you tell them a story and it seems incredibly real to them....they have no idea at all that Goldilocks did not actually meet up with 3 bears.....then with this "fantasy" world being so real to them they simply assume it's just as real to us.


I can totally see that now. Her imagination is exploding, and everything imagined is incredibly real to her.

Don't punish tho.....

I haven't punished for the lying. Know that won't do any good. :giggle

[Close2MyHeart]

DS aged 4 has been lying a lot lately too... and I don't get it because he's lying over things he wouldn't get in trouble for even if we did punish. We are teaching him, but it's frustrating sometimes. I used to be a champion liar :blush & one of my biggest fears is that one of my kids will be this way too.

[ArmsOfLove]

I don't call it lying at that age. They are in what is called the "words as magic" stage and they really believe that if they say it that makes it so. So he said that a bug bit her and then he believed that a bug bit her and he hadn't hit her. Because he believes it, that isn't a lie. Technically, it's not true, but this is why fairy tales speak to children at this age :)

One thing I introduce at this age is "the truth" and "the truth the way you wish it was" and they seem to get that. But I don't push it--and if they swear the sky is purple then I tell them, "That is how it is in your world" and leave it at that :grin