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View Full Version : Has anyone ever heard of non-coercive parenting?


mamamachanteuse
02-12-2006, 09:42 AM
I heard about TCS (taking children seriously) and looked it up on the web. I can see some of the points that are made, but other things seem to be based on assumptions that I don't think are true. Plus, God is left completely out of the theory. Any thoughts?

Leslie
02-12-2006, 09:50 AM
I've heard of it, I was on their mailing list for awhile and came to similar conclusions.

There's couple of threads here titled Permissive vs GBD that include the difference between GBD and TCS that seem to nail it, to my mind.

milkmommy
02-12-2006, 09:53 AM
Yes I've seen and looked at it. Its not for me :no2 I also think its quite disrespectful to the development of a child :blush

Deanna

ArmsOfLove
02-12-2006, 09:59 AM
Here (http://aolff.org/15.html) is my new article about it.

Soliloquy
02-12-2006, 11:31 AM
Crystal, your article is great. If I never coerced my DD, she'd have a horrible diaper rash because about 25% of the time she really fights diaper changes. I know that 30 seconds of coercion, based upon my wisdom that the diaper needs to be changed, is not harmful to her (and actually beneficial as diaper rash is painful) and that as she grows she will see this, too. Just one example of many I could present . . .

flowermama
02-12-2006, 11:42 AM
I wanted to mention that GCM does not embrace the philosophy behind TCS ("Taking Children Seriously") or non-coercive parenting. Here's our statement...
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=32243.0

AmyDoll
02-12-2006, 11:47 AM
:tu thanks for the article Crystal! I keep hearing about it in other circles and it just seems :scratch

mamamachanteuse
02-12-2006, 07:44 PM
Thanks for the responses. Armsoflove, your article was especially illuminating. Nicely done!

Mothering by Heart
02-12-2006, 07:48 PM
:clap
Great article!!

Depends? :hunh

mommy2abigail
02-13-2006, 02:34 PM
Yeah, I was gonna say...Depends??? Not intervening with a suicide??? :jawdrop :sick2

Earthylady
02-13-2006, 05:36 PM
This is exactly why I can't hang out at MDC's gentle discipline board. I don't believe non-coercive is how God deals with me, so why would I do that to my child? Just seems wrong to me and I get frustrated over there about it.

milkmommy
02-13-2006, 05:42 PM
This is exactly why I can't hang out at MDC's gentle discipline board. I don't believe non-coercive is how God deals with me, so why would I do that to my child? Just seems wrong to me and I get frustrated over there about it.

I came over here (though a link someone posted :grin) from MDC because of the same thing...
Deanna

raisa
02-13-2006, 08:08 PM
Thankyou for the links on this. I once saw a discussion on non-coerciveness about a child who wanted to play in the ocean when it was raining. It was cold but the child did not want to get out. Someone actually said "if it's raining, it can't be that cold!" This really pushed my buttons because I grew up in a rainy climate and it is downright dangerous to a child run around in the ocean here. Everything in my heart screamed "get that baby inside and dry him off whether he wants you to or not!"

Sadly this seems to be a stumbling block for so many well-meaning parents -- that the child's unhappiness means we're doing something wrong as parents. It's been liberating for me to realize I can just do what I need to do to take care of DS, and keeping going, and his big feelings aren't part of the problem.

Radosny Matka
02-13-2006, 08:40 PM
Totally OT but I just had to chime in and say that I love your avatar. Your girls are gorgeous!

Leslie
02-14-2006, 07:59 AM
Thankyou for the links on this. I once saw a discussion on non-coerciveness about a child who wanted to play in the ocean when it was raining. It was cold but the child did not want to get out. Someone actually said "if it's raining, it can't be that cold!"


I saw a trend on the email list where parents would say with pride that they allowed their kids free access to candy and junk food because it's coersive to limit what they eat. And those same parents admitted that their kids had weight problems, but that, as children whose inner lights were untainted by coersion, they'd have to find their own solution to their weight problem. Or maybe they'd learn to accept it. Since the whole gist of noncoersion is that kids will self-regulate and naturally choose what's best for them if allowed free choice, I would have expected that kids allowed to choose their own diets would be naturally healthy and regulate their eating habits. But the parents' own experiences didn't seem to be evidence of that.

This Busy Mom
02-14-2006, 08:13 AM
My neighbor is very non-coersive by nature with her oldest dd (I think it was the way she was raised)... ei-yi-yi... it hasn't helped her dd at all, nor has it taught her how to handle being frustrated at all.

Aerynne
02-14-2006, 08:50 AM
I like the idea of low-coersion parenting like was mentioned in the article. :tu

I don't like to force my dd to do things, but some things are non-negotiable (medicine when she needs it is the main one I'm thinking of now but there are a few others). I do let her decide a lot of things that other parents might :hunh at. Like I don't make her wear a coat if she doesn't want to, but we'll always bring it and if she changes her mind she can have it. I wish we didn't have to coerce kids. I hate coercing dd, but it's just one of those things you have to do sometimes. Usually I can convince her instead of coercing her, though.

Soliloquy
02-15-2006, 02:24 PM
I do let her decide a lot of things that other parents might :hunh at. Like I don't make her wear a coat if she doesn't want to, but we'll always bring it and if she changes her mind she can have it.

I'm the same way. I figure if she gets cold, she'll want her coat. :shrug I also know that if she's hungry, she'll eat, thirsty--she'll drink. etc. That doesn't mean I don't plan ahead--like you wrote, if it's cold out I'll bring a jacket. If she didn't eat anything at lunch, I keep snacks handy. Personally, I don't always eat at meal time. If I'm not hungry or my stomach is upset, I wait until I have an appetite. But, like you wrote, certain things are non-negotiable. She can't play with knives or scissors. She can't run in the street w/o holding my hand. But, we try to make the best of it by keeping knives and scissors out of sight and finding places where she can run freely.

My MIL never wanted her kids to be unhappy. She didn't practice non-coercive parenting, per se, but always tried to shield them from unpleasant consequences--even when there could've been a valuable lesson them. As a result, my DH has had to work really hard to learn how to accept constructive criticism, how to follow-through on an unpleasant task, and to trust me that when I say something is OK, I really mean it's OK. I still have to remind him, "If I don't want you to do XYZ, I will say so. If I say I don't mind, I really mean it." I know that's not exactly the topic, but I think if parents try to pretend or convince themselves that "everything is OK" they're fooling themselves. :shrug Certain things are NOT OK. Kids can handle that. They can also learn to speak up for themselves, saying when something is not OK for them--i.e. they'd rather be reminded to do their chores via a chore chart rather than nagging, etc. It's about learning to live in a family/community and I think non-coercive parenting denies children this vital lesson.