I completely ignored him this afternoon

[Radosny Matka]

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with Nathaniel. When he gets upset, he YELLS! It's maddening. Today he was sitting on the floor being angry at me because I wouldn't let him watch t.v. until it was time to put the baby to sleep (it takes me a good 20 minutes so he watches a short tape while I do that). It was lunch time so I made us some pancakes. When he realized that they were made, he got even angrier because he wanted to mix then. I explained to him that since he was yelling at me, I decided to just go ahead and make the pancakes. More yelling from him. I soooo did not feel like dealing with him (again, we do this several times a day, everyday), so I decided to try a new approach and I totally ignored him. He yelled and called me names. Then he proceeded to tell on himself, "mommy I called you a schlumrod." Again, I totally ignored him. I dunno if I confused him because he kept saying it over and over. When he got nowhere, he tried something else. He was trying to get my attention and trying to get a rise out of me. I left his plate on the counter and told him to come get his dinner when he was ready. He took his plate and announced loudly that he was "eating in the other room." That was fine with me. He ate and then he had pretty much calmed himself down/gave up. I told him it was time to put the baby to sleep and that he could watch his show. He smiled and said, "I'm sorry for calling you a schlumrod.' I said, "apology accepted." Sigh. I am glad he was able to calm himself down and apologize on his own, but I cannot go ignoring him like this all the time. However, I did learn something this afternoon. I think I give him too much attention, for lack of a better word, when he yells and calls me names. He really was trying to get a reaction out of me. I think I need to take an extra few deep breaths when dealing with him and calmly and without many words removing him to the CC. This is such a HUGE struggle for me. It makes me so :mad :hissyfit when he talks so disrespectfully to me. I just want to smack him across the face. That is such a horrible way to feel about your child. :bheart It is what would have happened to me as a child and old feelings are very, very hard to break. Dealing with his anger is my biggest parenting struggle. I was never taught how to handle my own anger, I am often still trying to learn myself, and I feel like I have no skills on teaching him how to handle his.

[Chris3jam]

I just want to smack him across the face. That is such a horrible way to feel about your child.

I know the feeling all too well. :bheart It sounds like what he needed was time to be able to handle his big emotions. I understand how you feel. I never learned how to deal with my anger, and I feel unequipped to try and teach my kids how to deal with theirs. It's going to take time, is all I know. :hug2

[Janiceihg]

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with Nathaniel. When he gets upset, he YELLS! It's maddening. Today he was sitting on the floor being angry at me because I wouldn't let him watch t.v. until it was time to put the baby to sleep (it takes me a good 20 minutes so he watches a short tape while I do that). It was lunch time so I made us some pancakes. When he realized that they were made, he got even angrier because he wanted to mix then. I explained to him that since he was yelling at me, I decided to just go ahead and make the pancakes. More yelling from him. I soooo did not feel like dealing with him (again, we do this several times a day, everyday), so I decided to try a new approach and I totally ignored him. He yelled and called me names. Then he proceeded to tell on himself, "mommy I called you a schlumrod." Again, I totally ignored him. I dunno if I confused him because he kept saying it over and over. When he got nowhere, he tried something else. He was trying to get my attention and trying to get a rise out of me. I left his plate on the counter and told him to come get his dinner when he was ready. He took his plate and announced loudly that he was "eating in the other room." That was fine with me. He ate and then he had pretty much calmed himself down/gave up. I told him it was time to put the baby to sleep and that he could watch his show. He smiled and said, "I'm sorry for calling you a schlumrod.' I said, "apology accepted." Sigh. I am glad he was able to calm himself down and apologize on his own, but I cannot go ignoring him like this all the time. However, I did learn something this afternoon. I think I give him too much attention, for lack of a better word, when he yells and calls me names. He really was trying to get a reaction out of me. I think I need to take an extra few deep breaths when dealing with him and calmly and without many words removing him to the CC. This is such a HUGE struggle for me. It makes me so :mad :hissyfit when he talks so disrespectfully to me. I just want to smack him across the face. That is such a horrible way to feel about your child. :bheart It is what would have happened to me as a child and old feelings are very, very hard to break. Dealing with his anger is my biggest parenting struggle. I was never taught how to handle my own anger, I am often still trying to learn myself, and I feel like I have no skills on teaching him how to handle his.


Wow, you have just recounted what we go through some days - my son calling names, or being angry and yelling - and then telling me what he's doing as if I can't hear him already...lol. I don't necessarily think he's trying to get a rise out of me, just get my attention....so if I try to break that down - what does it mean? Does it mean he's having trouble waiting? Does that mean that he's not capable of entertaining himself - i.e., am I making him wait too long..? Should I stop and give him my attention or encourage him to go to the CC..?

And just what IS the proper response when he calls names? I usually just say 'thats not nice' or 'wow, what is THAT all about?' sometimes he continues being angry and mouthy and sometimes he just giggles and says I don't know...and laughs, and says the name funny and laughs - I wonder then if he's judging me to see if I really mean that its wrong or if I'll laugh about it too... ??

I also have never REALLY been taught to deal with anger....and I can have a really short fuse some days and I am finally realizing what that means - there is other stress going on in my life or things on my mind. Then my fuse tends to be short. Under pressure things 'explode' easier...

I know none of this is any help...just kind of sharing as I can relate - and sometimes it helps to know you're not alone.

Hopefully someone else will have some good recommendatoins or insight for us. :)

[GodChick]

:popcorn because I could have written this post myself. :hugheart

Everything there sounded familiar to me, from the yelling, to being disrespectful, to yelling more because the pancakes were made when DD1 wanted to help mix, to ignoring her, to feeling like I want to spank her because that's what was done to me. :bheart

I usually DO end up just ignoring that, just like you did. Don't know if it truly fits a natural consequence instead of a punishment, but my thinking is, "When you yell and treat people disrespectfully, they don't want to be around you while you're doing that. So I'll go do something else until you're not doing that anymore." :shrug

[Ali]

This is such a HUGE struggle for me. It makes me so when he talks so disrespectfully to me. I just want to smack him across the face. That is such a horrible way to feel about your child. It is what would have happened to me as a child and old feelings are very, very hard to break. Dealing with his anger is my biggest parenting struggle. I was never taught how to handle my own anger, I am often still trying to learn myself, and I feel like I have no skills on teaching him how to handle his.

I just wanted to say that I could have written this. :hugheart It is a real struggle. :popcorn

[sarahtar]

This is such a HUGE struggle for me. It makes me so when he talks so disrespectfully to me. I just want to smack him across the face. That is such a horrible way to feel about your child. It is what would have happened to me as a child and old feelings are very, very hard to break. Dealing with his anger is my biggest parenting struggle. I was never taught how to handle my own anger, I am often still trying to learn myself, and I feel like I have no skills on teaching him how to handle his.

I just wanted to say that I could have written this. :hugheart It is a real struggle. :popcorn


Me ,too. Except DS doesn't talk enough to call me names yet. But he gets his message across anyway!

I have no answers, but GodChick's post got me thinking. I have times when I'm just angry in general and every little thing that happens from that point on just makes me madder. I realize that I'm being silly and overreacting, but I can't stop myself. Those times, I usually just want to be alone to calm down. I can't do it with other people around, because I'm too proud to admit - during the moment - that I'm wrong and acting poorly. I need to be alone so I can do it in private. Does that make sense?

As I type this, I'm remembering a book - maybe Happiest Toddler on the Block which I overall did not like - that said that some toddlers, when they're having a tantrum or otherwise pitching a fit, do best when you leave the room and they can calm down. Check on them every so often. But they need space to calm down because they're too proud to do it with company around.

So, I don't know, if he can eventually calm himself down when left alone...maybe it's the best way to handle it? Less stress for you - because being with him isn't doing your blood pressure any favors - and perhaps less stress for him, too.

[freshwaterfish]

My son is quite a bit younger than yours, but he is already yelling at me and not talking in a very nice voice. The one thing I have found that nips it in the bud (so far) is to get down at his level, get eye contact (not an easy task when he's really mad), and just keep repeating over and over. Micah, that's not a nice way to talk. Use your nice words. Eventually he calms down and says "saw wee daddy (I've been "daddy" for months now)" and gives me a hug. Usually it's just his way of getting attention, and if I take the time to give him my attention and find out what it is he's yelling about or angry about, he'll calm down and the yelling will cease... for a little while anyways... It's definitely NOT a fun thing to deal with. Personally, if I ignore it, it just escalates... But I understand every kid is totally different...

April

[Irene]

I agree that all kids are different :tu My dd needs to be left alone when she is having a fit and having big feelings and ds needs to be held and comforted when hes having big feelings. I made the mistake of leaving him be (used to parenting anneka ;) ). Its so hard to know what to do sometimes :grouphug

Sara,my other thought was hunger ;) he ate his pancakes and was better :tu I know those low blood sugar misbehavings ;) It sounds like you did the right thing by leaving him be, its what he needed :)

[Jillian]

:hugheart It's hard. I know, I live it too. I literally just had a conversation about this with my bf this morning.

Have you ever read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? It's helped me alot.

[Radosny Matka]

I agree that all kids are different :tu My dd needs to be left alone when she is having a fit and having big feelings and ds needs to be held and comforted when hes having big feelings. I made the mistake of leaving him be (used to parenting anneka ;) ). Its so hard to know what to do sometimes :grouphug

Sara,my other thought was hunger ;) he ate his pancakes and was better :tu I know those low blood sugar misbehavings ;) It sounds like you did the right thing by leaving him be, its what he needed :)




Sigh...you are so right. Sometimes I get so caught up in the "here and now" and "this has to stop" instead of looking for the actual cause.

[Radosny Matka]

:hugheart It's hard. I know, I live it too. I literally just had a conversation about this with my bf this morning.

Have you ever read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? It's helped me alot.


I haven't. I will have to check that out.. I might learn a few things about ME from it. :shifty

[ArmsOfLove]

but I cannot go ignoring him like this all the timeWell . . . technically . . . you can :shrug And for the temporary, at least, it may be the best thing. He seems to be willing to figure out for himself how to calm down and apologize. Perhaps you have short circuited him so often that he is in the habit of engaging and arguing with you instead of taking responsibility for his own feelings.

At the same time, the key here is really you learning how to accept and process and deal with your own anger and big feelings so that you can help him process his own--even if it's by modelling something better. I mean, the engaging is actually what you've taught him. He gets upset and yells and you engage him and then a fight ensues that escalates. You need to learn how to de-escalate.

The first thing is that anger is a secondary emotion that comes out when something negative is being ignored:frustration, annoyance, disappointment, tired, etc. Ignore these indications that something is upsetting you and anger is what will come out.

It helped me to work on identifying the feelings of irritation earlier and naming them outloud for myself. I'd even say out loud, "I'm feeling tense. Why? I'm frustrated that . . . . " And then I'd sit down and figure out how to address things. Eventually you will be able to help your ds do this, or you will find that he is doing it as he copies you with a new skill :tu

[Radosny Matka]

but I cannot go ignoring him like this all the timeWell . . . technically . . . you can :shrug And for the temporary, at least, it may be the best thing. He seems to be willing to figure out for himself how to calm down and apologize. Perhaps you have short circuited him so often that he is in the habit of engaging and arguing with you instead of taking responsibility for his own feelings.

At the same time, the key here is really you learning how to accept and process and deal with your own anger and big feelings so that you can help him process his own--even if it's by modelling something better. I mean, the engaging is actually what you've taught him. He gets upset and yells and you engage him and then a fight ensues that escalates. You need to learn how to de-escalate.

The first thing is that anger is a secondary emotion that comes out when something negative is being ignored:frustration, annoyance, disappointment, tired, etc. Ignore these indications that something is upsetting you and anger is what will come out.

It helped me to work on identifying the feelings of irritation earlier and naming them outloud for myself. I'd even say out loud, "I'm feeling tense. Why? I'm frustrated that . . . . " And then I'd sit down and figure out how to address things. Eventually you will be able to help your ds do this, or you will find that he is doing it as he copies you with a new skill :tu


Good advice and I believe you are right on. I did ignore him in the van this evening as well and he got over it pretty fast. I am going to try what you suggested.