should a 15mo old ever obey?

[Rbonmom]

I am beyond frustrated with my ds. He NEVER obeys anymore when I say "don't touch" or "not for Emmitt" or anything. The latest is the dogs water bowl which I drag him out of probably 5-10x per day. Is it possible without smacking (not that I ever would) to teach a baby not to do certain things? Am I just always going to have to move him? When is he old enough to obey? I know he understands, he just doesn't stop himself from doing whatever the behavior is.
Part of the problem is that I'm living with my very punitive parents and all of my family is geared that way. They think I'm ridiculous for doing things any other way, and my parents are starting to get frustrated with ds for things like pushing the buttons on the tv etc... The really hard part is that the house is not baby proofed at all, but since it's not my house there's not much I can do.
I am really feeling frustrated, and ideas would be great. Is it time for the 5-steps already? Maybe I just wasn't prepared for him growing up so fast :shrug

[expatmom]

I know he understands, he just doesn't stop himself from doing whatever the behavior is.

Kids his age live very much in the immediate moment. So he may understand when you say it, but he doesn't retain that understanding over time. Consistency, repetition and close-by parenting is key in this developmental age. It sounds like with your present living situation, this is hard to do.

A 15 month old will repeatedly do annoying things, whether they are responded to punatively or gracefully (unless they are scared completely immobile by the punative discipline which IMHO sets you up for even more issues down the road). It is a normal stage of development, which it sounds like your family has forgotten about. His age is about exploring his world around him & trying out new things over and over and over. That is all normal.

[DeenyB]

Well I think he is a bit young to be expected not to touch things.
As far as the dog water, maybe get a cheap tub and put a bit of water in it with some toys and say, here is water Emmit can play with, this is the puppy's water. Pointing at the dogs water. Be creative!! (although hard )
(My kids are big water players!!!)
Yes, redirection redirection redirection....
Keep doing what you feel is right in your heart and dont let anyone make you feel bad for not smacking your child!!!

[AmyDoll]

Do you have the Ames and Ilg book "Your One Year Old?"
The series talks about children from a developmental standpoint and might help your expectations for Emmitt. Babies are naturally curious and God made them to try stuff over and over again - think about walking? I mean if one fall or owie was enough to deter them - they'd never walk!!!
With the water - I think he's telling you that he needs and enjoys water play - so I'd make sure that was a BIG part of his day. Maybe when you brush his teeth and wash his face in the morning you can let him play a lot? Does he get a daily bath?

[Mamatoto]

My 15 month old loved the dogs water bowl! :giggle

Well, you need to come up with a plan now, because it only gets worse. :grin (as far as what he will do next)

Right now, you need to have a plan for child proofing as much as possible to avoid a lot of frustration for all of you! It's so much easier to move a waterbowl behind a gate or put a remote up or whatever than to constantly be fighting. He is doing the work of a one year old which is to explore his world. Taking him outside as much as possible and into "yes" environments will be a break for both of you. Have a routine in place where he isn't always getting into things but sometimes is sitting having a snack, or sitting with you and rocking with a book, or playing with blocks, or helping you with the dishes. Things like that where his very natural curiousity is being fed without irritating everyone around him.

[ArmsOfLove]

I honestly believe it is only in modern western culture where this question would even be asked :hug Even in other times, like Victorian, they turned toddlers over to nannies so that they didn't have to deal with these years :P 15mo's are just babies. It's time to set them up for success--create an environment where it's safe for them to be exploring and learning, remove them every time from stuff they can't have, redirect redirect redirect (truth is, it's that or spank spank spank or do nothing do nothing do nothing but the behavior will keep happening no matter the parenting approach :) ).

I'm sorry there's so much pressure for him to be idle and passive :hugheart Sounds like you have a little guy there who needs lots of outdoor fun and plenty of calming baths :mrgreen

[illinoismommy]

The latest is the dogs water bowl which I drag him out of probably 5-10x per day.


Yup, I've been there and I *am* there... my son just turned 17 months. :hug2

5 to 10 times a day is actually really good! My son will return to something that he is newly interested in so many times I can't count anymore. :doh

Yes it is possible, it just takes time and persistance. Just keep doing what you're doing....

My son was an early crawler and walker (at 10 months) and so we encountered this earlier too. So I've already gotten to see some results. Things that he used to go and try to get into he has finally recognized as "not for David" and does not mess with them anymore.

But in general I really believe in making the home a place that's not just for adults but for the toddler too. Think about if we were half of everyone's height and everyone walked around us from way up high, all the furniture was high, but here is this button on the VCR right at eye level........ its really understandable why he would want to push it. I remind myself of that when he's driving me nuts with his curiosity about something silly like the water bowl. David finally doesn't touch the VCR, but he was messing with that from the age he could pull himself up and cruise (8 months) and it took months.... maybe until he was over a year... before he stopped. He has a new love.... the computer keyboard. Today he managed to put the computer into sleep mode and I was worried I wouldn't be able to get it out. :eek

Is there any way you can talk your parents into making the houes child-friendly? I know a lot of times the older generation things that is a negative thing but if you change the perspective from making it a place thats child-proof where you just take away all of the things they can't touch into making it a place where they feel at home too with their toys and books and stuff.... I think it is really positive. I don't see the big ego trip people have going on "I didn't move a thing, I just spank them..." I hear this from my sister in law :td

[illinoismommy]

redirect redirect redirect (truth is, it's that or spank spank spank or do nothing do nothing do nothing but the behavior will keep happening no matter the parenting approach :) ).



Amen..... its one of the three and redirect is the best :mrgreen

[Amber]

:hug2 It is really hard when you are living in someone else's home and they don't understand how useful child proofing is. When my ds was 15 months we did a lot of redirecting...a lot. But there is hope, I can't remember the last time ds played in the dog's water bowl :-) But it does take time and consistency. I did a modified version of the 5 steps with ds, for instance I would say "Ds, we sit down in the rocking chair" while moving to help him sit down. Now after a few months I am letting a little more time pass before I help him, but I still expect to help him most of the time.

[Rbonmom]

Thanks everybody for the advice and support. I think things are just feeling overwhelming right now as I've got a lot of personal stuff going on, ds is getting 7 molars and is sick again. Tonight he was crying and signing "pain" to me so I gave him some tylenol and he just crashed. Poor little guy :(
I think I will try the water play thing. He used to have a bath every night, but now at my parents that's not possible so we just do a shower which doesn't allow enough "splash time". I think maybe that will help him out a lot.
I think I just need to add a lot more grace for both of us, and just ignore my family. I'm in the middle of a divorce, we had to leave our apt. and move in to a small bedroom, and ds is being watched by my sil about 20hrs a week while I work, which is a huge transition for both of us.
I do get the whole ego trip about "we didn't babyproof, we just flicked" from them, and before I knew better (or had kids) I agreed with it, but now that I know better I do better :yes

[Irene]

:hugheart it sounds like you are under a lot of stress right now :(

I agree with the others but just wanted to send a hug your way anyway :hug

I cant figure out what it is with the older generation and not child proofing :scratch we were at my aunts house and my dad and aunt were talking about how they dont beleive in child proofing, the child just needs to learn not to touch anything. her house had SO MUCH *stuff* in it, everywhere... why they think this is a good idea, I just dont know...

[raisa]

I'm right there with you (((hugs))) My 15 month is getting molars, too. For us it's the catfood and water. I keep them in our bedroom and if I don't shut the door he's in there like a flash.

Is he small enough to sit in the kitchen sink and play? Or could you give him some dried beans or something to play with?

Is it possible without smacking (not that I ever would) to teach a baby not to do certain things?

I don't think it's possible WITH smacking. The people I know who spank at this age get so sad :bheart because they have to spank so much and so often :( to get any "results." Toddlers are so determined. The part of their brains that hears language is not wired to the part that controls their arms and legs. I'm working on teaching "STOP." But I think that when it "works," it's mostly because he's surprised that I yelled. Sometimes if I'm across the room and need him to stop, I clap my hands and sing really loud and that distracts him.

[Joanne]

Lots and lots of hugs!

I know he understands, he just doesn't stop himself from doing whatever the behavior is.

His congitive understanding of the "no" words and his impulse control won't match for a long time. With or without spanking. The constand redirection, talk and reminders are a part of parenting children that age. When you are a non spanker immersed in a punitive setting, your "non spanking" decision will be the filter through which relatives process your child's behavior. They will inappropriately assign blame on "not spanking" when it's all a developmental stage.

There is not much you can do except 1) remind them once that toddlers act like todders and 2) consider telling them that suggestions for punishment are off limits.

If you chose #2, don't defend or explain (see th bean dip sticky).

[sarahtar]

Just wanted to chime in. We found success by focusing on ONE thing until he got tha tmastered. He was not allowed to play with the water dispenser. I started doing "Oops! Not for Wally!" and then "Don't touch!" then saying "Not for Wally" while pulling him gently to another activity. Eventually I could just say "oops!" while I pulled him about 3 steps away from the dispenser. Now he doesn't touch it. It took about 2 months for us to be able to rely on him not playing with it. Starting at about 15 months. And going through the routine about 10-15 times daily. But that was the only thing we focused on that intensely. Now we're working on the bathroom faucet, lol. What is it with kids and water? (Mine HATES the bath, loves watching water run from the faucet.)

[raisa]

I think we're having luck with "one thing at a time" too -- although maybe DS just loses interest after awhile? I noticed that now when he runs into the bedroom, he veers away from the catfood and around the side of the bed -- I used to say "stop!" and rush into pick him up before/as he hit the catfood and water, so maybe he's learned that the "game" is to rush toward the catfood and then run away from it?

Same with the kitchen garbage -- I usually just pull him away and shut the cupboard without saying a word (for some reason my instincts told me to be really low-key about it, like silent, to not call attention to it as a dramatic or interesting thing). Now he pretty much leaves it alone.