How do you teach self-control?

[julbug]

Especially in an easily-excitable 7-year old boy.

[Singingmom]

How about verbalizing the times when you are using self control. Like "I really want to yell right now, but I'm going to take a deep breath and speak kindly." Or "I could eat that whole pie, but I'll use self control and eat just one slice." The only other thing I can think of right now would be giving him praise when you see him exercising any small measure of self control. I have a 7 yo who could use a bit more himself, so I'll be watching for more replies. :)

[Mia]

This is such a great question and I love the previous suggestion. :popcorn

[julbug]

bump

I could really use some help in this area. Please share what has worked for your kids.

[malakoa]

Happiest Toddler on the Block suggests teaching patience - I'm going to give this to you in three seconds - then count one two three, then give it to them...

Or asking to give you five, then say "Wait" and then let them give you five.

We're trying this with my super spirited one year old...

[milkmommy]

1) Model it your self
2) keep your voice calm and collected and breath.. I know that sounds DUH but when a toddler goes I WANT I WANT I WANNNAAAA :hissyfit :hissyfit because they want a cup of water or there is a piece of lint on there shirt its hard not to go WHAT! or PLEASE just STOP already! taking a step back and not reacting with panic your self really helps.
3) practice giving tangiable times of space. Toddlers don't usually get we will eat in 15 mintues. When Blues Clues ends dinner will be ready makes more sense. Were going to go on a ten minute walk :shrug Were going to walk around the block can be better understood.
4) engage in games that require simple turn taking,
5) use oppurnuties like meal bedtime prayers to practice listening and waiting.

Deanna

[julbug]

Patience really isn't the problem. I've been modeling that for years and he really does well in that area. Whenever we have to wait in a line for example, the first thing out of his mouth is "Ugh" but he quickly follows that up with "This is a good time to practice our patience, huh Mom?" :heart :yes Taking turns isn't really the issue either, he loves games and is more likely to be the one to say "It's your turn" than to take over for himself, even when playing with other children.

What we're dealing with is things that I really shouldn't have to say, much less repeat, like "Honey, don't do a cartwheel over the dog. That scares her." Now I know I've modeled NOT doing that! Or touching things in stores. Or interrupting when he has something to say (to his credit he has been working on this and he's doing better). Or following house rules like staying out of the spare bedroom even though you know there's a shirt in there that has a neat looking wolf on it (he hasn't grown into it yet) and where you are and are not allowed to play outside. Or not sticking your nose in a hot pan on the stove to sniff what's for dinner because you've been told a million times that pans on the stove are hot. Or not tossing your juice bottle up in the air just to see if you can catch it because you probably did not put the lid on tightly when you drank out of it last.

[malakoa]

Patience really isn't the problem. I've been modeling that for years and he really does well in that area. Whenever we have to wait in a line for example, the first thing out of his mouth is "Ugh" but he quickly follows that up with "This is a good time to practice our patience, huh Mom?" :heart :yes Taking turns isn't really the issue either, he loves games and is more likely to be the one to say "It's your turn" than to take over for himself, even when playing with other children.

This is terrific- it sounds like you are doing a great job on that front. Wish I had more to add but am interested in other mommy's answers.

[julbug]

I came back to add: whistling in the house (he's so proud that he can whistle, it's just that I ask him to do so outside and he can whistle his little heart out out there)

and using a quiet voice when the baby or DH are asleep (DH works nights and tries to sleep during the day)

When he does these things and I talk to him about it, he says he just forgets or like with cartwheeling over the dog "I just wanted to do that." I've tried to be really silly and say "Well, I really just want to walk into your classroom at school and dance the funky chicken, but I don't do that." And you know what connection he made from that? "Mom, I'm glad you don't do that. I'd be embarrassed." Well, great, now that we've established that...... :doh

[jujubnme]

Julie, Gordon Neufeld has some interesting things to say about self-control in his book Hold On To Your Kids. I'm not able to grab my book at the moment, but I'll come back and post more. It's about developing the ability to have mixed feelings.... (like, "I want to, but I know I shouldn't.") Preschoolers are just not developmentally wired to dialogue internally like that, but as they grow older, this is something we can encourage. He talks about soliciting good intentions as one way of encouraging that. For example, before going into the store asking him to agree not to touch the things on the shelves. Even if he forgets, the more he articulates the "good intentions" the more likely it is to become part of his internal dialogue. Like your example for waiting in line. The "Ugh" is the impulsive response, but he's now following it right up with realizing the need for patience. Need to go now, but I'll come back and elaborate more after we do bedtime. :hug

ETA: OK, back with my book. ;) I already talked about soliciting good intentions. Here's a blurb on that:

"One of the most important ways of setting the stage for mixed feelings is to solicit good intentions. Even if the good intentions do not come to fruition, their very existence prepares the way for mixed feelings to follow. It's a wonderful start when a child can acknowledge that what happened was not what she wanted to happen. Even if only in retrospect do they feel bad, as the conflict becomes conscious the capacity for self-control will grow." (p. 292)

He also suggests talking about the troubling impulses/feelings in a way that separates them from the child's personality. "Oops, those impulses got away from you again." or "You did that cartwheel before you even thought about it." Helping the child think of them as distinct from himself will help him be able to begin self-reflection.

Another thing he talks about... kind of similar to soliciting good intentions... is to "bring out the tempering element." That is, focus on developing the thoughts/feelings that will counter the impulse. For example, with the whistling/loud voice scenario, tapping into his love and affection for his dad and brother, or how unpleasant it can be when dad/baby get woken up. ;)

I'm not sure my summary is doing justice to the book, but I hope it's a helpful start. None of these ideas will be an overnight cure, but hopefully should help guide your ds in the right direction.

[Stonebeck Farm]

Julie

I am going through this with my 5 1/2 year old. :hug I can relate to your examples. :rolleyes Impulsivity and silliness are big right now....

How about another book recommendation? I wish I could answer without relying on another author- but since I am going through it right now and we haven't "cured" it, I'll share what we are trying.... you may already be doing all of this.

I found chapter 7 of Good and Angry:Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and your Kids! by Turansky and Miller (book was recommended here about 2.5 years ago) to be very helpful. When I say this post it reminded me to get out the book because I need a refresher. Chapter 7 is called "They're So Annoying" Restraint: Giving the Gift of Self Control.

He talks about these kids needing both self control and sensitivity. First he defines the terms and gives some positive verses to use with kids. He recommends building four fence posts:
Fence Post 1: Raise the Awareness Level: this is what you have done- you wrote down the "annoying behaviors." Then gently point it out when you see it everytime- again you are already doing this.

Move into the "silent signal such as a raised finger, a touch on the shoulder, or a raised eyebrow that indicates your child is in one of those situations again."p.152 ...If the child is responsive and wants to change, these non-verbal signals will be helpful.Sometimes, this stage is all that is needed. Soon, Kevin will be saying to himself, "I'm getting into the danger area," and he'll take corrective action himself.
If on the other hand, your child doesn't respond positively, the child may need to take a break to settle down before you can continue. In this way, you move from a subtle cue like a raised finger to one that is obvious, like having the child sit...This progression of cues teaches children that if they can respond to a gentle messure, bigger steps will not be taken. After all, that's what it means to be sensitive in social situations...By using a silent signal you are helping children learn to respond to nonverbal cues, making them more sensitive to the subtle signals in relationships.(p.152-153)

Use the "observe and run technique." "A parent makes a comment and goes about business as usual, not waiting or even asking for a response." (p.153) He mentions that this stage takes a while- he reminds us about God motivating us to change- conviction but how often that change that needs to happen is not instantaneous.

Fence Post 2: Keep Character in Mind:
-Offer positive alternatives
-define your words- define self control for your son in a way that is personal to him
-choose consequences carefully- ie- coming back into the room and doing it again, this time without cartwheeling over the dog!; have him write/draw the problem and his own solution....
-seek out a mentor for your son (my DS's violin teacher is helping with this- reiterating what he is hearing at home, but coming from her it carries weight!)
-model sensitivity- pointing out other people who are displaying sensitivity, especially when out in public; talk about stories and books where characters are displaying self control

Fence Post 3: Praise in the Process
(Where I have been failling short lately- I see all the negative but forget the small steps- DS's violin teacher praised him yesterday when he was "super silly bowing" because he kept the bow between the bridge and the finger board. It was amazing- he really got serious after that. I realize this really isn't like cartwheeling over the dog- but when she did it, I was amazed because I have been seeing all the annoying impulsive silly things lately as all negative and there is lots of tension. I have read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" numerous times, but I can't seem to apply the principles when DS is silly/impulsive. I felt like I was being hit by a 2-by-4 when I heard her say that. Rather than just focusing on the fact that he walked into the kitchen with an outside voice I need to stop and remember a key part is he WALKED and not bounded or ran into the kitchen.

Many parents tend to focus on the mistakes their kids make-and when a child has a problem with impulsivity, there sure are alot!(p.161) He recommends breaking down instruction in self-control into chunks. Each piece becomes a step that clarifies in practical terms what your child needs to be working on.Changin big patterns is tough, but smaller steps of change seem more manageable and help a child achieve the success you desire.p 161

Fence Post 4: Develop Tolerance0- choosing battles so we don't react without warning

At the end he recommends something I would like to start today- "Make a positive Behavior Journal" for each child. Have the child write/draw just one behavior that "you pointed out was helpful or positive. Be sure to tell them what character quality that behavior demonstrated." (p.170-171)

There are also 4 theological questions for us as parents to consider based on various scripture- especially with Peter who displayed both lack of self control and impulsiveness! Looking at this I need to sit down and so this study!




:tol

[Joanne]

What we're dealing with is things that I really shouldn't have to say, much less repeat, like "Honey, don't do a cartwheel over the dog. That scares her." Now I know I've modeled NOT doing that! Or touching things in stores. Or interrupting when he has something to say (to his credit he has been working on this and he's doing better).

Is he your oldest? Because, as I'm reading (and having been through age 7 twice now), I think you may be expecting too much of him.

Trust me; I'm the queen around here of high standards. But I expect to remind a 7 yo of many things, often.

[julbug]

Melissa, thank you so much for your post. :ty
It is very helpful already. Some things are making a lot of sense to me now. I've used some sign language with him in the past because of a language delay and he's always been very receptive to nonverbal reminders. I really should get back into that more along with raising his awareness level. Over the past week we have been talking about self-control and we defined it so he has a good grasp of the concept. Doing it over is a consequence we've had success with in the past as well, I'm sure we need to revisit that to get him in the habit of how to walk through the house, etc. Praise is very effective with him too, I know I need to do that more. Plus I know you can't tell a kid he's doing a good job too often. :tu I really like the idea of a behavior journal, I think he would respond well to that.

Yes Joanne, he's my oldest, and up until two months ago, my only. I know I do set some pretty high standards for him. He's made huge progress in so many areas in the past four years since he came home, I guess I'm always expecting to be impressed by him. :shifty His impulsivity has always been an issue for him, and I suspect always will be part of his personality. That, coupled with the silliness which I know is normal for his age, has been a challenge for me lately.