handling aggressive toddler?

[Havilah]

My son (turns 2 tomorrow) is passive, passive, passive. My best friend's son is 3 months older and he is spirited, for sure ;) We get together often, and she keeps my son once a week while I work. She's also a LLL AP christian type of gal :tu Both sons are only children.

This is the typical scenario:

James and Isaiah are playing, usually parallel play. Isaiah wallops James on the head with a toy, or he shoves him, or he snatches his toy. Usually James is just minding his own business when this happens. (Maryanne agrees with this. I'm not trying to paint my son as an angel :O He certainly has issues, but aggression is *not* his besetting sin ;))

At this point James starts to cry. He usually comes to me and asks for nummies. Maryanne runs to Isaiah and says "Noooo, Isaiah. We do NOT hit our friends. See, now James is crying. It makes him sad (or hurt, depending) when you do .

Then Isaiah starts wailing, sometimes even more heartily than James, and asks for nummies for himself. Maryanne nurses him, and we move on. Soon enough, it happens again.


Obviously this isn't working, and she's wondering what to do differently. She was trying a form of "you hit, you sit" that I suggested after reading about it here, but that just made him sob for nummies. After a few moments of sitting she gave him nummies and the episode was over :/ Does "yh, ys" work with this age? How does one best handle the request for nummies when the child is upset because of a discipline issue?


I did suggest today that y'all might think we should watch them like hawks and prevent any sort of aggression. We do sort of let them run free (we're in the same room but we aren't always in arm's reach). I don't really *want* to do that for the entire 2-3 hours we might be together, but if that's the only answer then... :blush

Help?

[Amber]

Does it just happen at random or does there see to be something else going on like he is tired or hungry? My suggestion would be to stay close to them to try to prevent any hitting before it happens. I would also suggest working on teaching him gentle touches and what words to use instead of hitting.

[MarynMunchkins]

Teach them to trade toys. One offers the other one something in return for what he wants. :) It works wonderfully for toy snatchers - and all 2 yo's are. ;)

[Havilah]

We went over about 10am, and ate breakfast when we got there. James had "second breakfast". We left around noon. I don't think Isaiah was tired or hungry based on timing, but I'm sure James was getting tired by the end. We wake up much earlier than they do.

MA has worked very hard on getting them to trade toys and "take turns". They are much better at it than they used to be :) I do expect both of them to do this to this :) It's really the hitting and shoving that makes it difficult, and the answer probably is to just prevent it before it happens :shrug

Teaching gentle touches... both are really good at this when it comes to petting the cat, and it seems to help with they are being rough and excited, but not so much when they are shoving or hitting and ending up in tears :/ I'm wondering if that doesn't speak very well to whatever emotion they are feeling then :/

I guess my question is really... should we be *doing* something when a child hits or shoves? Or should we just verbally redirect, teach gentle touches, and try to prevent it from happening again? Is it one of those things that they have to grow out of, and it really doesn't matter what we do (within reason), because the behavior will run its course? Is "you hit, you sit" age inappropriate? If it is age appropriate, do you immediately comfort the crying that happens?

[Joanne]

I guess my question is really... should we be *doing* something when a child hits or shoves? Or should we just verbally redirect, teach gentle touches, and try to prevent it from happening again? Is it one of those things that they have to grow out of, and it really doesn't matter what we do (within reason), because the behavior will run its course? Is "you hit, you sit" age inappropriate? If it is age appropriate, do you immediately comfort the crying that happens?

You said question. But I'll try to answer them all anyway. ;)

should we be *doing* something when a child hits or shoves?

Yes. Hurry to him, move him away and say "No! That hurts." Encourage an apology. Then, teach a better way to communicate whatever he was trying to communicate.

"I need space" or "I want a turn, please" or "I'm hungry".

Or should we just verbally redirect, teach gentle touches, and try to prevent it from happening again?

"Just" redirecting would not be enough. He needs to hear that hitting/hurting is not okay. I would avoid, in this circumtance, "gentle touches". He's not *feeling* gentle. But you do need to teach appropriate physical touches.

Prevent? Yes, in that he seems to need more supervision and structure that will engage him.

Is "you hit, you sit" age inappropriate?

I think removing him from play after a repeated incident can be an age appropriate response as long as coaching is present and there isn't a silly and arbitrary time attached to it.

If it is age appropriate, do you immediately comfort the crying that happens?

No, I would not rush to comfort that crying. It won't be long, anyway, since the sitting part is engaged with someone and short.

[Havilah]

Thanks, that was helpful :tu Sorry about getting carried away with my "question" :giggle

[OpalsMom]

I would spend a while watching like a hawk, trying to figure out what the trigger is. Is Isaiah trying to play (reacting to James ignoring him, or to his own boredom)? Is he defending his territory (reacting to James being too close)? Is he excited? Once you know the trigger, you know how to attempt to avoid the problem, and you know what you need to teach him -- a better way to initiate play, or tell James to move away, or use his body when it's full of energy, or whatever. Isaiah has some reason, or reasons; they may not make sense to you, and they may not be James' 'fault', but he's trying to do something, and 'Don't hit' isn't enough to teach him how to get the effect he needs. You need both parts, "No hitting" and "do this instead". Gentle touches only work for the instead with something like patting the cat where gentle touches are the appropriate way to reach their goal.

[snlmama]

Sorry, but I'm going to suggest that you watch them like hawks for awhile. Like the pp suggested, it will help you figure out what's going on and Isaac's reasons and help find a workable solution. :) Now, before you see yourself doomed to never talking and sitting right next to them for the next 20 years, I will say that in the scheme of things, this stage passes very quickly. ;) And, even just a few weeks of being right there all the time could help make it better in the future. One thing I found at that age was that if you are sitting right next to them, you can stop the hits before they happen. And, you learn to see it coming and prevent it in the future.

[Havilah]

Thank snlmama and OpalsMom :) I hadn't really thought about lookinig for specific triggers. We're fairly conscious of things like hunger and sleepiness, but hadn't been looking for *why* he's been hitting in a given situation. I'm sure part of it is that we're not providing much structure during these times. We like to gab on and on while they play :blush

When MA keeps James while I work she operates like a mini-preschool. She provides lots of structure and doesn't expect to get anything else done. They move through a series of predictable activities, then collapse for a nap. And they get along much better :idea