Do you think AP is the harder way?

[cannuke]

I get so many people telling me to let DS CIO b/c it's supposedly easier on me that I'm beginning to wonder if AP is a harder way to parent than detachment parenting.

It would be easier in some ways to make DS conform to my schedule and to let him CIO, but I don't agree that it's good for him. In the end, that means that it's not easier, right?

Anyone agree? Am I making any sense?

[ArmsOfLove]

I think that it depends on what your goal is in parenting. I have the goals of AP so it would be difficult to impossible to accomplish those goals with detachment parenting. But if you've got the goal of not having your life change at all or expecting your children to conform to you then AP is going to be more difficult. swim?

CIO means--a mom who is willing and able to tune out her children gets more sleep; a mom who is unwilling/unable to tune out her children and believes in mothering being a 24 hour responsibility will be miserable.

[Senta]

Sometimes I feel like it's the harder way, but most of the time I realize that for me it would be much much much harder to hear my baby crying for me and not to respond. It's instinct to respond and so it's hard to go against that instinct. My baby came into the world with a need for me to hold her close and cuddle her and I've done the best I can to meet that need. It's hard to remember that in the middle of the night sometimes.

[purplerose]

ITU what you are trying to say! And yes, I do think that AP is the harder way to parent! It takes much more committment! But I know that this is the right way! :mrgreen

[RosieTook]

I think it's harder in this mainstream world, but as far as comforting and connecting with my babe...and, like Crystal said, with my parenting goals in mind, it is by far easier.

That's not to say it's easy...ykwim??

[Heather Micaela]

I found it eaiser to do yet harder to defend as dd got older. Nightime has never been a fight since we bacame AP - never. I dont have to mess with bottles. I am able to get more done becuse dd was worn in a sling wile I worked.

BUT...that is assuming the CIO mom is still trying to be attached on some level. It is possible, but more work bond while you bottle feed. It is possible to sleep train your kid but there are all the "regressions" and"retrainings" no one tells you about. No one tells you about all the second guessing or waiting by the nursery door hoping he will stop crying so you can go in and pick up that baby you love so much.

If a mom justy "wants a baby" then sure detachment is easier. You learn to tune out the cries, prop them up w/ a bottle, and put them in daycar as soon as possible becuse you want a professional teacher rasing up a bright advanced kid. (PS I am not anti daycare or knocking wohm moms, i am talking about the ones who don't even miss their kids during the day - I knew some :( )

[cklewis]

It does require more of yourself -- more time, more creativity, etc. But the benefits are really good!! :grin

And there are so many times that co-sleeping and BFing seem really easier too, yk?

:hug

C

[milkmommy]

Harder? no but it's all I know.. Extremely involved? yes
DEanna

[madeleine]

Sometimes it seems harder but in the end, I know it is/will be worth it. Granted, my ds is only 11 weeks old, but even in that time, I have seen how our quick responses to his cries soothe him and calm him. He trusts us. When other mothers at church ask me if he cries a lot before he goes to bed, I always tell them that Lucas has never once cried himself to sleep. Of course, we wouldn't let him..but that's besides the point. I tell them that he nurses to sleep. A lot of people give me strange looks...this usually comes from mothers who FF.

Gotta go..my son is crying!

I'm new to this..and it's hard and frustrating at times, but I know it's worth it. We're doing the best for our babes.

[MarynMunchkins]

Yes and no. :think It requires more sacrifice and time on part of the mom, but there's a lot more enjoyment in being AP too.

[Dana Joy]

i find the nighttime parenting, the cuddling the bfing to be easy and instinctive. i find the "discipline" hard (i know- i know attatching is part of the discipline) there seem to be no pat do abc and you'll see xyz answers to parenting issues that come up. that's why i'm here laerning and "filling my toolbox"

[Heather Micaela]

that's why i'm here laerning and "filling my toolbox"


the best part is with GCM you can share tools ;)

[mamaKristin]

For me, it comes down to defining what "easy" is.

What is easier, discovering your baby's needs, meeting them (sometimes at the expense of my own personal comfort/sleep needs) and making sure they feel loved and secure? Spending the time with your child to know them well and anticipate their needs? Or is it easier to force them into your schedules and routines? Yes, it sounds easier to fit baby into your world sometimes, I just don't find the tools needed to do that make MY life easier. I can't handle CIO. I won't do it. To me, it's easier to let my children nurse on demand (even on the hard days) than to suffer through them crying, alone.

Granted, in the moment, the "other way" can sound so tempting...and easy. But it's not. I have heard too many moms tell stories of having to go though CIO every time baby hits a developemntal milestone, has a bout of teething, or is sick. To me, it is way easier to just go on meeting their needs....even though it's not always easy for me. Longer term, I'm finding the benefits of cosleeping, breastfeeding on cue and being my kids primary figure is worth the struggle that it can sometimes be when they are placing demands on me. To me, what I see in people who choose to be more detached in their parenting is that it's not any easier on them - or their babies - it's just easier to tune their kids out. Either "way" is hard at times. Parenting is hard work...it's the one job where you really don't get to "punch the clock" at the end of the day. So, with that in mind, I strive to make sure that I enjoy the time with my kids and make them feel loved and cared for (even when it's not exactly how I may be feeling in the moment). That makes AP make sense for me.

[ArmsOfLove]

I also think that the real issue is if there is a way to parent a baby that can make the *baby* easier--and babies are babies no matter how you parent. Either way you parent, someone is going to blame something age appropriate on how you are doing it :shrug That's why I believe that the way someone parents should be based on their fundamental and foundational beliefs rather than on wanting what *works* or what will make things *easy*

[cannuke]

I'm so glad that you all understood what I was trying to say (where's the big relieved sigh smiley? ;) ).

I've never not wanted to be an AP parent, it's just that I get told to "schedule" and "train" my DS so often that I started second guessing myself. They make it sound like it will be easier to fit DS into my life vs. me learning what he needs and getting it for him. KWIM?

One more thought: it's not CIO if I can't figure out what he needs/wants and he still cries, right? I worry about that. Sometimes he's just inconsolable and I can't figure it out. It makes me :cry2 too, but I just can't figure out what he needs.

[Amber]

One more thought: it's not CIO if I can't figure out what he needs/wants and he still cries, right? I worry about that. Sometimes he's just inconsolable and I can't figure it out. It makes me :cry2 too, but I just can't figure out what he needs.


Crying in the arms of a parent or loving care giver is different that CIO. Sometimes you do everything you can think of to meet the baby's needs but they still cry, and that is okay. That is when you hold them and do your best to offer some comfort. I remeber telling dh when our ds was little and going through times like that, you do every thing in your bag of tricks to calm him down and when you run out then to start all over again. Some babies will cry when they have had a stressfull day or been around too much activity etc, as their way of relieving tension.

[Beyond Blessed]

I wanted to reply without reading the other posts ( :think *not* sure why though - just wanted to :grin )

I've been thinking about that for almost a week now. *I* thought this baby was "easier" than all my others and she is the only one we've AP'd. But to hear some of my friends speak, I *must* be so stressed out. I mean, *gasp* she doesn't have a "bed time" and she falls asleep somewhere between 9 and 10!?!? And *gasp* she still eats 2-3 times a night, and *gasp* she sleeps side-car'd to our bed!?!?!
One friend even said that her feelings when she had her dd were: "well dd, welcome to *our* family - this is how *we* do things and you are going to have to adjust" :eek

They make it sound so good. But 9 nearly nine months into this - I have absolutely *no regrets* - whereas, with my others I have tons of regrets. :(

[GodChick]

there is a difference between being "hard" and requiring an emotional investment. i don't think ap is necessarily "harder" but some aspects require more of me emotionally and spiritually as a parent. but that is a good thing. it's an opportunity for growth, not only for my child, but for myself as well. blessed are we when we bite off more than we can chew, and learn to chew bigger! :)

[kauaidee]

For along time I thought it was the harder way. That didn't deter me from being AP, because alot of worthwhile things in life are hard and the bible says "that our labour is never in vain in the Lord". But I was just thinking yesterday or could have been this morning about detachment parenting. I've spent some time recently with other families and I see the same struggles etc though we parent entirely different. I now recognise being a parent is hard work, yet it is so incredibly fulfilling. Sometimes my frustration is that I totally believe AP is the only way and sometimes I'd really rather not do the work :) I see different mums who I'm aware follow Ezzo and I wouldn't want to be them for the world. I don't care how beautiful they look on the outside because they had time to make them selves up when I barely had time to brush my hair. I see these Mums being detached from their children, I see the look in their childrens eyes like they want to reach out but are too afraid. It scares me to think what kind of Mum I would be like if I didn't AP. I think the other thing is hard is raising your children the AP way when you haven't been raised that way yourself. But I'm trailblazing to make it easier for my children when they are parents.

Finally babies will cry even when you have done all you can. That is not cio. In those time if slinging, or taking them for a walk didn't work I would just love on them to they calmed down. Both Abigail and Faith did this and both were calmer (even though still crying) in my arms then if I put them down.

[kycanonist]

I think in the long run it will be easier... especially since we will have developed communication and trust that other parents just don't develop b/c they are too busy trying to detach themselves from their children (it always amazes me... Refuse to listen to them when they are babies and then try to figure out why they refuse to listen to you when they are older... :lol )

I know that sometimes it takes a lot more from me to AP. But, I can't imagine not mothering through bf-ing, for example. I mean, how do ppl get their babies to calm down and sleep without bf-ing??? :lol I'd be at a complete loss! :lol

So, it's now just so much a part of who I am that it's no longer the challenge it was... if that makes any sense...

Jacqui

[Radosny Matka]

For me, part of the time, yes it is harder. It would be easier to just lay on the couch and not get up off my butt and make my words mean something. Other times, nope, mainstream seems so hard,