the transition from 1 child to 2--question

[mommyalisa]

I'm not sure if this goes here or elsewhere, but. . .
My oldest son is 2 1/2 and my youngest is 5 weeks. As many of you know, this can be challenging with the small age difference and such. DS#1 has adjusted quite well and DS#2 seems to be pretty easy going like his brother was as a baby--and usually still is despite a few age-typical moments, we'll say. :P~

I'm feeling very challenged when it comes to balancing the time spent with each. I don't feel like I get to hold #2 nearly as much as I did #1 when he was a baby (although I didn't get to stay home with #1--went back to work after 6 weeks. so I get that luxury as well as no pumping!) because I have to be so hands on with #1. Yesterday DS#1 and I both were cranky and didn't sleep well, and therefore didn't have such a great morning (as in I yelled too much and didn't help him as much as I should have when he couldn't follow directions which was about 80% of our time before we both had rest time--when I slept and he didn't!). At one point, he was sitting on his potty as he always does that particular time of day. I was on his bed (could see him in his bathroom this way, but wasn't in the bathroom; it is teeny) nursing DS#2. I felt so useless and frustrated (with him and me) b/c I was nursing and couldn't get up and physically help DS#1--and he really, really needed it b/c my verbals were 100% ineffective (he was being disrespectful and a bit dangerous to himself)--but I couldn't stop nursing, as DS#2 was hungry and then his needs wouldn't have been being met. KWIM? I have a sling and can nurse in it, but I'm sure I couldn't nurse in it while helping DS#2 in the tiny bathroom. It'd be like doing aerobics in a public restroom stall while nursing in a sling!

This is just one example. I guess the basic questions are how do you do the 5 steps when you are nursing a newborn? and how do you evaluate whose needs need to be met first--the infant's basic ones (eating mostly in our situation) or the toddler's (dealing with behavior issues, ones that both do and do not involve his safety.) (Obviously, if my toddler is getting ready to grab the sharp knife on the counter, I will stop nursing my baby to remedy that immediately, but I mean more minor saftey concerns.) I'm having trouble finding the balance. I'm constantly thinking--oh, it's so not fair that #2 is sitting in the bouncy seat while I do this with #1 and so on. And he's content in the bouncy seat, but I want to hold him. (I do use the sling a lot, as I said, but that limits my ability to help #2 as much as he sometimes needs it.) I hope this made some sense that I can get a few suggestions/responses.

[Soliloquy]

:popcorn

We're expecting baby #2 in March and our DD #1 will be 25 months old when the baby's born, so I'm anxiously awaiting responses!!

FWIW, I find the Baby Bjorn to be much better when you need to be active while wearing a baby. For example, I always used the Bjorn when I needed to bend over to get clothes in and out of the dryer, do yard work, etc. That might make things easier . . .

[Singingmom]

Hugs, Mama. I know this is very challenging. I don't think the highest paid corporate executive has to be any better at multi tasking than we do. I don't have any great advice. It was an ongoing, daily challenge for me. I had to assess each situation as it arose, and it was often frustrating. Sometimes there's no solution that makes everyone happy. Fwiw, I remember nursing while wiping bottoms, building towers, and even rolling the ball up and down the steps when that was my 2yo's passion. It's not easy to find balance. Try not to feel guilty when you're tending to one and the other has to wait. It gets a little easier and feels a little more normal with each week that passes. Hang in there! :hug

[Katherine]

:hug It is tough to adjust.

In some ways, perhaps, you redefine which things actually are *needs* for each family member. Maybe a better way of putting it is that needs become less black and white and more "prioritized"--on a scale in other words.

There were times that I had to stop nursing, put the baby down (and yes he cried) and rush to take care of something with my older son who was 21 months old at the time. There were times that I couldn't/didn't respond as quickly to my ds2's crying as I would have to ds1's crying b/c I was dealing with ds1 (changing a diaper or whatever) and simply couldn't drop what I was doing. :shrug I went through a period of really "missing" my older son b/c I had been able to give him 100% of my parenting resources. And, of course, I felt the guilt/worry and that sense of being torn between 2 different things that were both real needs. It's not an easy balance to find, but I think some time/practice and trusting your Mother instincts will help you climb the learning curve. :tu

Specific suggestions:

It helped us to be as inclusive as possible. Nursing time for baby meant reading or snuggle time with my older son. We took naps together as much as possible... snuggled in bed with one boy on each side so they both got some physical contact while Mommy got to lie down for a bit. :O We spent a lot of time on the floor. I made a pallet out of foam and covered it with a soft sheet so I could lie down and nurse the baby while having at least one hand free to interact with ds1. Sometimes it just meant sacrificing a little (more) sleep so that I could spend a few minutes alone with one or the other. And I learned how to walk around with a nursing baby in one hand so do urgent stuff. This may seem irrelevant, but do you have a good nursing pillow? I can't possibly over-estimate how valuable my pillow was in helping me cope with 2 very young children. It's the kind that is flat so baby doesn't tend to roll around, with a raised section for his head and a velcro strap that goes around your waist. That's how I was able to feel secure balancing a nursing child and a toddler in a lot of situations. I was also notorious for walking around with it strapped around me (just to answer the phone or some such thing) :O

I felt so useless and frustrated (with him and me) b/c I was nursing and couldn't get up and physically help DS#1--and he really, really needed it b/c my verbals were 100% ineffective (he was being disrespectful and a bit dangerous to himself)--but I couldn't stop nursing, as DS#2 was hungry and then his needs wouldn't have been being met. KWIM?

ok.. let me give an example of how your perspective might change here. ;)

You said you *couldn't* stop nursing b/c the baby's needs would not have been met. It's true that his meal would have been briefly interrupted, he probably wouldn't have been too happy for a couple of minutes, etc. But you would have returned as soon as humanly possible to finish feeding him and comfort him, yes? So his real needs WOULD have been met, although perhaps not with the immediacy you would prefer. See what I'm saying. Your older son really NEEDED intervention at that point. In a perfect world, you might have sat in there with him, talked or taken more time to work through whatever the situation was, made a teaching moment out of it, etc. But it a world with a newborn waiting to be nurse, you might have decided to go it, quickly resolve the circumstance that was causing the problem, bring his potty time to an early close if necessary, and take him out of the bathroom with you. :shrug

Perhaps you could have sat on the side of the tub or counter to be within armsreach of your older son so you could meet both needs at once. ??

It's not easy, but it gets *easier* with time. (And about the time you figure out how to handle things with a 2yo and a baby, the baby becomes mobile and the learning curve starts all over again! :giggle But that's parenting for you.. a continual series of adjustments!) Hang in there... keep trying different things until something works. :hug

[mommyalisa]

Thank you so much for hugs and ideas, suggestions, and encouragement.
It's true that his meal would have been briefly interrupted, he probably wouldn't have been too happy for a couple of minutes, etc.

Yes! This makes perfect sense now. Thank you! Just what I needed. A different perspective.

And thinking about this, I suppose all of these factors help to shape each child and who they are. So maybe #2 will be able to wait better than #1!! :D

Oh, and thanks for the Bjorn suggestion. He tends to "sink" into it right now and breathes funny. I do use both though. . .

[purplerose]

I too had an EXTREMELY difficult time adjusting from 1-2 kids. My DD was 17 months when DS1 was born. It was really like having 2 babies!!! And DS1 was a marathon and SLOW nurser, it was hard to meet his needs and deal with an 18 month old too! I would lose my mind many a day! What really helped me was when DH came home he was really good about holding the baby so I could play/read/whatever with DD, or he'd take DD out to the park or something so she got one on one time with daddy. It's hard, but they understand. Everyone always says that going from 2-3 is the hardest, but I think 2-3 is easy compared to going from 1-2!! :hug Hang in there, it will get better!!! :heart

[mamatogands]

just wanted to add hugs.
I was SO worried about the adjustment, and am daily amazed my how God provides. Not that it isn't hard, it is! :)

[odetta]

You've gotten some great advice here. Just wanted to add that with a little experiementing and practice, you'd be amazed at what you can do with a baby nursing in a sling (NIS). I've walked around in a bookstore picking books out of the very bottom and very top shelves while NIS; I've gone to the bathroom while NIS; and boarded a plane while NIS and corraling a 2.5 yo and carry-on luggage. I think the sling, and other contraptions like it, are the most wonderful inventions ever.

[ozmummy]

Oh, and thanks for the Bjorn suggestion. He tends to "sink" into it right now and breathes funny. I do use both though. . .


I have read, and also been told by a chiropractor that the Bjorn type slings aren't really a good idea until baby is able to sit up confidently. It apparently puts their legs/hips in a position they're not developmentally ready for, and also makes them carry their body weight on the base of their spine, which isn't a good idea either, until their back is strong enough...

my 2c, with love