Help me have this conversation...*UPDATE*

[butterflyqueen71]

You know how relatives think they have the "right" to "discipline" your child simply b/c they're relatives? I keep having this fear that either my family or dh's family will feel that they think they can smack or spank my child when I'm not around...or even if I am around. :( So far it hasn't been an issue, but she's "at that age" where folks think a good "pop" is ok once in awhile...

So how do I approach this subject, um, delicately? It seems kind of awkward to bring it up out of the blue...but dd will be staying w/ MIL once in awhile when I go back to work, and I just have such a fear of my precious child who has never been hit in her life, might get a "pop" from a grandparent (mainly I'm concerned w/ FIL, he's pretty punitive :( )...how can I be proactive and prevent this? :shrug

TIA! :)

[MarynMunchkins]

I randomly talk about spanking, and how shocking it is that people consider it okay, and how appalling it is that the church teaches it's okay. ;) I usually add, "I'm SO glad we stopped spanking. It's such a sad way to treat the people you love." :)

[ArmsOfLove]

I might open with something like, "I'm so grateful that you're willing to watch her . . . blah blah blah . . . I just want to make sure that we're on the same page about discipline. Can we set some time to talk about this so I can share what we do and don't do with her?" Or something like that :)

[arwen_tiw]

Totally agree. I had to have this conversation with my MIL the other day.


I just want to make sure that we're on the same page about discipline. Can we set some time to talk about this so I can share what we do and don't do with her?


More or less that exactly - I know she'd smack Jenna's hand if I hadn't specifically told her not to. :(

[Katherine]

yep.. that's pretty much what I plan to do if there ever comes a point where we leave our boys with family while we're not there.. so far, we only leave them with my sis, who has been included in our parenting journey/decisions.

[sadie]

ITA with everyone else, but I just wanted to go deeper into it. I feel that it is vital to have this conversation with anyone who will be left unattended with your dd for even a moment. How she is treated is such a monumental issue, that it is impertative to discuss your wishes and beliefs, regardless of whether it is awkward to do, or if peoples perceive it as confrontational. As uncomfortable as it might be, your dd's safety and well being come first. :hug

ETA, I know you know that, I just had to say it. :P

[SansSouci]

I had a quick conversation with a friend of mine - she's starting to spank her son, so I wanted to make it clear that I do not want her spanking my dd. BTW, I also wanted to be sure she wasn't leaving her dog in the same room with the kids - b/c I'm very paranoid with that. So, when I was dropping off dd (I had a dr appt), before I left I said something along the line of "I know you probably wouldn't spank Emily, but I just wanted to make sure you know that I don't want you to spank her." (she said "Oh, of course not.") and so I kept going with "And I don't know if I've told you this before, but I don't want Emily in the same room with the dog." (and she told me she keeps the dog upstairs when Emily is over). So I just kinda threw it in as if it were last-minute instructions, but really I was trying to clarify things. Anyways, it seemed to go over just fine. I think I felt more awkward bringing it up, so it was nice to just jet out of there afterwards. (I didn't really think she would spank my dd, but I just wanted to voice it just in case.)

-Elizabeth

[bliss]

I had this conversation with my mother and she took it to mean she can never tell Turkey "No" no matter what he's doing :banghead Be very very clear. ;)

[butterflyqueen71]

Well, I had the conversation with MIL...needless to say, it was a little awkward. Last week on our anniversary, dh and I dropped off dd with MIL, and I just told her very nicely and non-chalantly, just so she understood where I was coming from, that I had never spanked dd and didn't want anyone else to. I told her that I was telling her not b/c I thought she'd do it, but just so she knew where I stood...because you never know, right? Well, she seemed sort of taken aback that I said something...I think she might have been a little offended, and I assured her that that wasn't my intention, that I just wanted her to know where I stood on others disciplining my child. Then she said she was glad I felt like I could tell her, and that she never had any intentions of hitting/spanking dd. Then...she says "but you WILL spank her at some point, won't you?" :banghead Well, fortunately, dh and I were about to leave and I didn't have a chance to get into that. :shifty

Today, I called b/c MIL had her while I was at work. FIL answered the phone, and then he asked me why I brought up spanking with MIL, and I told him basically what I told her...and what I'd tell anyone whose care she was under, especially relatives. I told him I would have the same conversation with my own mother if she watched dd at times too. Well, he said that they had never "had" to spank any of their grandkids and the only time they would was if they were out and out "defiant" or something like that. :mad I was on my way to rehearsal and on my cell, so I really didn't have time to get into it with him, but I just told him that I don't want anyone else to ever spank my child. I don't think he "got it".

Sigh. First of all, I can see that I am not as strong in my position as I need to be, because when confronted with it, I honestly don't know what to say, and I end up waffling and sounding weak in my conviction. Why should I have to justify my reasons for not spanking my child? The point is, even if I DID spank her, I still would not want ANYONE else to, under NO circumstances. End of story. Really, it's none of their business, I just want to make sure they know that I don't want anyone else hitting my child.

I just don't want them to feel that they have the "right" to hit/spank/pop for any reason. I don't care if I were a spanking parent, it's just not right. I don't want anyone else to lay a hand on my child. The ONLY exception, and thank God it hasn't come to this yet, would be dh, and only b/c I know that although we differ on the spanking issue, he would only do it as an absolute last resort. I guess I need to talk to him about it and get him to back me up with his parents...he's in agreement with me about them not spanking her, but he told me that if I felt so compelled, I could be the one to tell them. :rolleyes

I brought it up because I didn't want it to come up after the fact, in case an incident ever came up where they felt justified in spanking dd...and she is almost 2, the age when people feel that it's time to implement some form of "discipline". I just wanted to cover my bases, that's all. Was I wrong? Do I need to clarify the issue with them, or just leave it for now?

[ArmsOfLove]

If it were any other issue I'd be tempted to just leave it, but it sounds like they aren't getting it and I'd rather feel awkward myself than have someone think they were complying with my wishes but spank my child :(

Maybe it would be best to totally drop the issue of you spanking and not let them go there. Just stick to,"We are not allowing anyone to physically reprimand our child. By all means move her and physically keep her safe, but no spanking/swatting/popping/etc. That includes you because it includes everyone. If there is ever an issue that you believe would require that, tell us and we will handle things."

[Joanne]

Then...she says "but you WILL spank her at some point, won't you?"

If sometime soon, you have this part of the conversation, consider saying something like:

"We will have high and age appropriate expectations of our children. We'll include many responses to discipline them. You don't need to worry about permissiveness."

Because most people who are concerned about the lack of spanking are *really* concerned about a lack of disicpline - but their culture limits their language and vocabulary.

[Katherine]

((( Kimberly )))

I think Crystal and Joanne worded things well.

I don't have any advice to add, but HUGS b/c I'm in a similar position with my own parents... although they are a lot more adamant about their pro-spanking stance. :/

Even though I think I've made it clear that spanking is not something we do or want done, I know that my Mom has "shared" with my sister that she "wouldn't be afraid to pop that little hand" if *she* was watching the boys. :cry

The thing that bothers me the most is that she expressed a willingness to blatantly go against my wishes in regard to how I want the boys to be parented. :td She has also expressed to my sister some hurt feelings about the fact that we don't leave the boys with them more often... :banghead It's a tough place to be.

I think you either have to clarify your position or not leave them unsupervised with your in-laws. :shrug

[sadie]

No, Kimberly, you do not have to justify or explain your choices at all. :hug You simply have to draw boundries, and that's that. In some situations, like the one you are in, explaining ends up looking a lot like defending, which weakens your position considerably, KWIM?

[Senta]

:hug

sorry they're not understanding :( i know how you feel on waffling... i feel strongly convicted not to spank christel but explaining that isnt so easy when she's my first and only almost 2...

So far I havent left her with anyone but mom though and mom -knows- I'm not spanking and that it's not okay for her to spank, swat, thump, or in any other way physically discipline christel and is okay with that...

I'm :pray for you as you continue the conversations... I'm sure it's difficult with it being your inlaws too... :hug

[Amber]

What a frustrating situation to be in with your ILs. I can understand how you feel to a degree. My ILs are also punitive, and I can tell from the looks that my MIL gives other peole who I might be talking to about discipline issues that she doesn't agree with me. Luckily my DH stepped in and talked to MIL about the fact that we won't be spanking our DC. I'm not sure how clear he made it that no one should spank our kids, or what spanking our DC would mean (it would be the last time they would be left alone with that person), so I'm sure I will be having a more in-depth talk when DS is alittle older.

Just be firm. You don't need to explain why you choose not to spank if you don't want to. If they bring up certain times when they would spank ie defiance I would just repeat that you don't want *anyone* to spank your DD *any* reason. If there is a problem they feel the need to spank for they should bring it up to you to deal with.

[Reva]

I was in a similar situation when dd was that age. ;) I'm pretty much a "just tell it like it is" (on some things anyway), and I don't have the greatest relationship w/ my parents so I just flat out said "We're not spanking her, and we ask that NO ONE hits her". I went on to say that any "discipline" would be handled by either dh or I, and if they felt like they couldn't watch her w/o spanking, then we'd find someone else. (My mom still has a hickory switch sitting beside her chair for her other grandkids, so I *knew* this would be an issue). I also told my sister- who can't keep anything to herself- that if I ever found out anyone laid a hand on dd then we would sever all ties. And as planned she went right to mom and repeated everything I said, word for word. :grin What I said was harsh, but as I said earlier, we don't have a good relationship w/ my parents anyway. :(

With IL's, we just kept casually mentioning that we didn't spank, etc. When it came to a point that we knew they'd be keeping dd on a regular basis (one day a week) we just sat down w/ them and told them how we felt about spanking, etc. They are wonderful, level headed people who think dd just hung the moon, so thankfully it's never been an issue. They wouldn't dream of ever laying a hand on her, and I can say that w/ complete confidence!

I think you need to be firm and not let them make you feel bad for how you want to raise your child. It's hard, I know! :hug Would your dh be willing to talk to them about it? They may be more open to it if it comes from him, since he's their son. (that's how we've always handled things in our marriage-if it has to do w/ my parents then I talk to them, and vice versa). Hang in there!

[SansSouci]

I think what you did was just fine. It's too bad it didn't go over very well. I would make it clear that if anyone ever hit my dd, they would never be in the room alone with her again.

And, you know, if a friend of mine was watching dd and I found out they spanked her, I would simply never leave her with that person again.

When I'm watching other children, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER assume that I could hit them. Why are others assuming they can hit our children?

I think it's important to make it clear that hitting is not allowed - and if they can't follow that when watching your child, then they don't need to be watching your child.

:hug

-Elizabeth

[butterflyqueen71]

When I'm watching other children, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER assume that I could hit them.

I think this is why MIL was a little taken aback when I mentioned it. I think she was a little offended that I would assume that she *would* hit dd. It's not that I assumed she would...quite honestly, I didn't know what she'd do, really, since I don't know her in that particular context, which is why I mentioned it. I thought things were fine, since she did say she was glad that I felt comfortable enough with her to bring it up, and she seemed respectful of my wishes.

But evidently she said something to FIL, so he brought it up with me. :( He's much more punitive than MIL, and my dh has some awful memories of FIL's spanking, which in dh's mind, borderlined on abusive. :( Actually, FIL's the one that concerns me the most. :( He's a different man now than he was in dh was little, but I just don't want him to ever assume that he has the "right" to hit my child for ANY reason.

I talked to dh about it and he is in agreement that others should never hit our children. So he told me that when the time is right, "we" would bring it up again. That makes me feel better. :) I think it should have come from the both of us in the first place, looking back I think the timing was wrong to bring it up to MIL by myself, even though dh was right there.

[Katherine]

((( Kimberly )))

Its' tough to find the "right" timing for situations like these, and even though your MIL was taken back, I think you did the right thing by bringing it up.

Even though grandparents, friends, relatives, etc. may never have actively considered hitting their beloved little family member, it might be b/c they just haven't considered what they *would* do should the need for discipline arise, kwim?

IME, If someone was raised punitively, or raised their own kids punitively, those punishing instincts surface very rapidly and unexpectedly when they suddenly find themselves in a frustrating situation with a child. Swatting their hand or bottom, grabbing, etc. can be a swift and "natural-feeling" reaction for a lot of people, especially when that's the only kind of parenting they know. :( So drawing people's attention to the fact that we want things to be done differently might take them off guard, but at least it makes them think about what they'll do before a situation arises. :hug

[Tengokujin]

If/when this comes up again, I wonder if a better direction to take the conversation would be to give your inlaws insights into how they "can" handle stuff. I am thinking in terms of an offhand "right now we are working with her about ______,and this is how we have been handling it." It takes the focus off "not spanking",reassures them that you do have a plan which does not include a permissively parented child, and gives them tools to help their grandchild. And that can be an ongoing conversation as your child grows.

I think that when an extended family member is told "no hitting" they need help to know that they won't be in an impossible position.

They don't need to agree with you about hitting, but they need to respect your boundaries. It may be easier for them to do that if you "arm" them with some positive tools appropriate for where your child is at!

BTW, I LOVE your picture. I love the expression on your face as you look at your daughter.