what if there's no real reason to deny a request, but I don't want to allow it

[Jemma2]

My ds has been allowed to go the park by himself a little bit this summer. It's a half a block away and I can see it from our house. He's always been quick to come right away when called. The problem is that he wants to go there all the time, all day long. I'll let him go for a while, then call him home, and repeat a little later. Well, sometimes I just want him to stay home. If he asks if he can go, I'll say "No, why don't you stay home and play here for a while." He'll ask why, and I guess I don't really have a solid reason, just that I don't think he needs to be gone that much. He's only five. Before you think that he's way to young to go there alone, keep in mind that we live in a town of about 900 people. I can see it from my house, etc. We've thought a lot about this and decided it's okay once in a while. So, I just want to keep it balanced. I feel like he's becoming a "townie" kid.

I've thought about limiting it to once a day, but again, what's the reason I tell him? I hate saying, "just because".

[MarynMunchkins]

Because you need to keep an eye on him, and you can't do that if he's there all day. :)

[sadie]

Well, actually you do have a reason, as Mary pointed out. You just told it to us. :shrug You just don't think it is a good reason, and you seem to not want to limit him unnecessarily. It's awesome that you are so considerate of your ds. :tu

Personally, at five years old, I would feel very uncomfortable letting my child go anywhere alone. And honestly, you don't sound that comfortable with it either. :shrug Why don't you tell him what you just told us? See if you can work out specific times that are agreeable to both of you. You can place reasonable limits, and he will feel like his wants are being respected too. :tu

[ArmsOfLove]

I think it's really helpful to have a good reason for doing things because when I'm committed to the reason for them I'm more willing to defend them, enforce them, back them up with action . . . but by no means do I allow everything I don't have a great reason for :shrug Personally I would not allow a 5 yo to go to the park alone even if I can see if from the yard (which I can here). I don't even allow my almost 8yo to go alone--and lots of the neighbors do :( That doesn't mean you can't, just sharing that the age alone is reason for me to not allow it. I will say that if it's a struggle or a conflict regularly then you might want to set a routine about when he's allowed to go and have it be a regular thing so that you don't get put on the spot about it all the time.

[greenemama]

i also try to not start my explanations with "why don't you" because that's a suggestion. you're suggesting that he stay home when you really mean "i want you to stay home," kwim? this is hard for me. i often say, "let me xyz then i'll do abc." let me is requesting him to let me. instead i try to say, "i will do abc when i'm finished with xyz." i think just thinking more assertively (easy to love, difficult to discipline-esque) helps me to stick to the boundary. it also makes it more clear to my kiddo, or it will as they grow.

do you have other things you want him to be doing at home during the day? "we are going to the library and working in the garden today. i want you to be here with me because i will not be able to watch you from the window while you're at the park."

i'd be uncomfortable with a 5 yo at the park alone. there are kids at the park that teach bad things to other kids -- not just the danger of predators at there, either, kwim? :cup

[Jemma2]

Very good points. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not comfortable with it. DS has always been very responsible and independant. And I guess I've been taking the lazy route it letting him go alone and reasoning that "nothing's going to happen". So now I feel rather silly, but grateful to have you ladies point out my bad judgment. Thank you. Mommyhood has got me rather burnt out lately. That's no excuse, but probably the reason I've been taking the lazy way. And, too, I thought that once I had allowed this, I couldn't go back again.

Anyway, after reading your posts yesterday, I sat DS down and said that I don't feel comfortable with him being at park by himself. That he is too young and that I haven't been a very responsible mommy. I told him it's my job to make sure he's safe and that I'm always watching him and I haven't been doing that lately with him going to the park. We agreed that I'd take him and dd to park twice each day, once in the am and once in the afternoon. He was very receptive (surprisingly so). This morning I took them to the park and when it was time to come home he came. No arguing, no whining even though he was leaving a great game of tag with some other kids.

So, I guess we're (at least I am) always learning.

[MarynMunchkins]

:tu

[4blessings]

:hug

[ArmsOfLove]

that is a fantastic outcome :tu Sounds like he really just wanted to know where your boundary was and now that he does he feels safe :) It also sounds like maybe he sensed your hesitancy and was confused by your choices--what a great conclusion :D