*UGH* Friend said I hold my kids too much

[GodChick]

I got a note from a friend of mine, who doesn't have children, and whom I had lunch with a few days ago. In it, she mentions, "Don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever thought maybe you are a little too quick to pick up your kids? I noticed in the restaurant that you got Samantha out of her car seat when she wasn't even crying. I think she would have been fine, and you would have gotten to eat more comfortably, if you wouldn't have rushed to put her in your lap. I'm just mentioning it because you told me you've been so tired and I thought maybe you are getting worn out because you're always to quick to pick up your kids."

First of all, I wasn't going to leave her in the carseat at all, but my friend "helped" me get the kids out of the car by taking it upon herself to carry Samantha in the carseat. Since she was sleeping anyway, I decided it would be okay. But then, during the course of the meal, she woke up and was looking for me and wanting to be held (she's 4 months old) so I picked her up. She wasn't crying yet, but if I waited much longer to pick her up, she would have been. Besides, why should she have to wait until she's crying when I can tell what she wants now? Pretty cruel if you ask me. After all, if my friend came up and asked me for a hug, I wouldn't say to her, "Beg me!" But that's essentially what I'd be doing if I knew my daughter wanted to be held, but insisted on waiting until she was crying before I'd do it!


This is a friend I've had for a long, long time, and who doesn't have children of her own, and was raised in a detached, punitive, spanking, non-AP way. I was raised that way too, so I understand that that's all she knows--AP didn't make any sense to me either until I had kids of my own. There is no doubt in my mind that she is trying to help me by offering me what she thinks is reasonable advice, because she knows I'm really, really overwhelmed with fatigue, taking care of kids, doing my WAHM work and DH being gone. She is trying to be helpful . . . but really, those comments just irritate me. :doh

[Marzipan]

:banghead Wow. What a random and unhelpful piece of advice. I'm sorry. :hug

[MarynMunchkins]

I'm going to show my not so Christian side here for a minute...:shifty

I would have flipped her off. :O HOW RUDE! :mad

[KatherineM]

You know, I think alot of people can't believe when someone actually LIKES their children. I don't just love my kids I LIKE my kids, which means that I like to hold them and cuddle them and let them know that I am here for them. I think many people think that mothers who do this are just extending themselves. When mine were all infants, it relaxed me to hold and cuddle them, it didn't exhaust me, or frustrate me. I just think that in our society, children are seen as a hassle and that it is hard for some people to believe that we actually like our children and all that comes with them.

[purplerose]

Well said, Katherine! My thoughts exactly!!! :tu I used to get that all the time too!!! "You hold your kids toomuch" "You're getting them 'used' to being held"......WHATEVER. Just say "Thanks for you advice, but I actually 'enjoy' holding my kids, so I'll just deal with it" and leave it at that! Sorry such a good friend was so rude and inconsiderate, ESPECIALLY since she has no kids of her own! :hug

[rachelmarie]

:hug to you! Sorry your friend said that! That would really frustrate me if a friend wrote something like that to me. Especially one who has no children. Did you write her back? Not sure what I would say but I would have to say something! (That's just me, though. :-))

I absolutely love to hold ds mainly because I know that in another 6 months or so he's going to be all over the place exploring things and won't want to be held quite as much.

[phathui5]

Possible reply note:

"Thanks for your concern and advice. As it is, I do like holding the baby. However, if you know someone who wants to come over and take the trash out, clean my bathroom and make dinner, I would be thrilled."

[joystrength]

With a friend like you and seeing YOU'RE example, she'll probably hear the same comments during her mommyhood. SHE"LL be holding her little ones "too much," too! Hopefully, ... esp. if you're there to encourage her to step out of the punitive side of life.

Way to set an example, mama!

[Irene]

Thanks for your concern and advice. As it is, I do like holding the baby. However, if you know someone who wants to come over and take the trash out, clean my bathroom and make dinner, I would be thrilled." :tu :highfive

(((((((((michelle)))))))))))

[Can Dance]

welllll, voice of dissent here a bit. it sounds to me like she did REALLY sound concerned for you. I mean, I am concerned for you. you do sound tired and worn out a bit from all the stuff on your plate...I don't know your friend, but maybe she needs some slack. especially if she has no kids. maybe she is worried about you, wanted to bring it up and this was the "loophole" she felt she could using stating her concern. :shrug

and maybe "holding your child too much" was a way of saying "remember to take care of yourself..?"

I do feel for your frustration though. I am not a big fan of questioning someones parenting, at least to their face *evil grin*
C

[milkmommy]

:hug2 I too hear your frustration it took me a long time to convince my DH that the baby didn't need to actually cry to indicated it was hungry. However I'll also like to "hope" that your friends suggestion was trying to be helpfull. I know before I had my dd I always though okay babies cries you pick up baby and console.. It never would of occured to be that a baby could send clues that they needed things before they cried. Whoda Thunk? :shrug. Its also obvious to ME when my dd needed certain things but those clues were lost on others even DH for a long time.
So one person might of thought why the heck is that crazy woman picking up that perfectly content child off of her blanket to nurse, and another might have ran "here" to complain that when my infant daughter cried in a shopping carts babyseat my reaction was to stroke her hair say shhh and offer a bottle. :eek The truth is they don't know the full story. YOU did exactly the right thing in picking up your child. You know your child, Your friend is showing her I have no children badge clearly. Thats not a horrible thing, and I do think she was more trying to say take care of your self. Try not to be too hard on her.

Deanna

[Jillian]

My mom said the same thing to me..."you hold your babies too much when they are little, so when they're older and you put them down for a second, they want you to pick them right back up" (or something like that!). Good grief, the baby isn't even 9 months old :/

Your friend probably *is* concerned for you, I wish I could say the same for my mom :shrug
Either way, I know what you mean...

[GodChick]

Yeah, she is definitely saying it out of concern, not to be mean. Like I said:

There is no doubt in my mind that she is trying to help me by offering me what she thinks is reasonable advice, because she knows I'm really, really overwhelmed with fatigue, taking care of kids, doing my WAHM work and DH being gone. She is trying to be helpful . . .

But it just saddens and annoys me because she is one of my dearest friends, and I wish she respected my parenting style more. I know that's asking too much of her, because, like I said: we were both raised very punitively, and I couldn't understand AP either until I had kids of my own. She really thinks she is giving me helpful and reasonable advice. She loves me and I love her . . .I just wish I had more support from her for my parenting style, but she can't understand it. :( So I'd never dream of flipping her off or anything hostile like that.

And saying I'd like help with something else . . . well, that mindset, which I understand because I used to have myself is: "You have no right to complain that you can't get things done, and ask for help cleaning your house, when you could do that stuff yourself if you would just put your kids down!" :rolleyes

I'd like to think that my parenting will "rub off" on her and she'll understand when she has kids . . . but that's not likely to happen: we are both in our late 30's, and she's nearly 40, not married, not seriously dating anyone (she hasn't felt the Lord's leading in that regard) and has ovarian cysts. She's basically accepted that she probably won't have children. :shrug

[Irene]

yeah that makes sense, I used to feel the same way ;) I try not to complain to anyone (except for here :blush) because of that same reason. But I dont know what I would do if she was such a good friend :(

[Radosny Matka]

:banghead That has to be so annoying. :rolleyes :hug2

[Irene]

one other thought. can you just write her back and thank her for being concerned about you, then explain just kind what you said here, I saw her looking around for me, I didnt need to wait for her to cry, it would be like you begging a hug from me... also, you might say, not that you try to keep your children happy 24/7 at all costs, but when you know that something might help them not to cry, it actually helps you not to get stressed out, since the crying is very wearing on you.
I dont know, she sounds like a good friend, and I know how I felt before kids ;) and maybe sometimes a gentle explanation would help her go "ohhh, I get it!" you know?
I dont know, it was just a thought I had last night when dealing with my little one who wouldnt sleep.

[herbalwriter]

I think that's an excellent idea... write her a little note back with your example of begging for a hug. That's a good illustration.

I have a no-children friend like this, and I have just learned to avoid the subject of children and parenting
altogether with her.

Have you ever noticed it's the ones without kids who are so ready with their advice and so sure of their stance??? :rolleyes

[GodChick]

I have a no-children friend like this, and I have just learned to avoid the subject of children and parenting
altogether with her.

Have you ever noticed it's the ones without kids who are so ready with their advice and so sure of their stance???

You are so right. I usually avoid the subject with this friend too. I hate that, because she's one of my oldest and dearest friends, and my children are such a huge part of my life--so I hate not being able to share that with her. But, like you said, I too find I just have to avoid the subject. And, yeah, she's really sure of her stance. :rolleyes

[herbalwriter]

That's always the case it seems...I admit I was like that before I had a child. :blush It's easy to be the armchair quarterback! :giggle It's hard to stay :cool when people act like that, and it hurts to have to avoid a close-to-your-heart subject like that with someone you love and care about. But I try to remember how I was and that they just can't understand if they don't have kids.

[Piper2]

She's probably concerned about you, and was trying to help in the only way a childless person could guess at doing. Kinda reminds me of a scene from the show "Home Improvement" where Wilson gave this wonderful speech to Al about parenting, and when Al told him how nice it sounded, he said something like, "Well, when you're a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things!" ;)

But it is annoying when someone you love doesn't seem to respect your parenting style. I remember my mother complaining a few years ago that Kevin was "too attached" to me. Yes, he was just-turned 4yo and was having separation anxiety, but she was actually talking about cosleeping. :rolleyes

[Maggie]

I would be annoyed, too. :hug

[Boys and Angels]

Ah, well, nothing invites MORE unsolicited advice than being a mom with little kidlets, except maybe being a PREGNANT Mommie. It was unasked for, and so, it doesn'tr need to be acknowledged. But if you *DO* decide to acknowledge it, say something totally NON COMMITTAL like "Thanks for your advice." To tell the truth, advice about childrearing from a woman with no children is not much advice at all. One of the quotes at another site I visit said "I once had no children six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories!"

Actually, my resposne would have been more along the lines of . . . "Hold them TOO much? I wish I could hold them MORE. There's no such thing as too much." Man, I remember my boys when they were cuddle-big. They got awful big awful fast and then I couldn't hold them anymore!!! :cry You just continue to do what you love to do, and don't let unsolicited advice get you down!