How should we handle this????

[kycanonist]

Okay ladies... here's the deal...

We always knew that SIL's 11 year old step-son was showing signs of being sexually abused... there were a lot of things that sort of added up to a child that had a complete lack of boundaries... well, my MIL lets slip in a conversation that apparently he exposed himself to some neighbor children and suggested they suck ... ummm... well, it was not good... :blush

So, he's always been VERY good with our DD, but we have always made a point that DD will NEVER be alone with any of SIL's kids. But, now we really are concerned beyond what we were in the past...

The child is in therapy and so forth... but, I still don't want any of SIL's kids alone with my DD... there are many times that the kids are alone with my MIL next door. How do we make it clear to her that we don't want SIL's kids to ever be alone with our DD.. I don't care if it's in the next room. If MIL can't see them, then my DD will never be there.

This is gonna be an ugly situation, isn't it...?

Jacqui

[Suzanne]

Jacqui, that is an absolutely HORRIBLE situation!! I would definitely NOT be leaving dd alone with him either! :( What kind of therapy is he in? Who is the suspected offender?? Yikes. I cannot imagine... I had no ideas that abuse was so prevalent among boys...
:(

VERY SAD.

[Suzanne]

JACQUI: After reading a couple more of your posts, you HAVE to be the same Jacqui I knew from ILA - it *is* you isn't it!!! I wrote you months ago (a real letter) to thank you for the LLL book but hadn't heard back from you! :) How ARE you??? :)

Love, Suzanne (Delaney's mommy - she's almost 2 and still nursing! How is Alex doing at nights lately?? I remember your struggles!)

[Joanne]

The truth is that you will not be able to assert and enforce this boundary without negative, icky and possibly hostile feelings.

Do not get caught up in defending the boundary (which you must assert, btw). Do not keep justifying your choice. Simply state the choice and be prepared to back it up with action, up to and including to visits to MIL if necessary.

[kycanonist]

Thanks, ladies. :) It's definitely a VERY yucky situation... we're thinking he was likely molested and exposed to all sorts of inappropriate stuff at his bio-mom's house... but, given that she is the bio-mom, she has "rights" to see him... UGH! It's really ugly... and honestly, he's a great kid, with a really good heart who has just been so abused and mistreated and taken down a horrible path.

But, that being said, I still don't trust him, or his siblings for that matter... They all have shown signs of being sexualized VERY early. The girl, who is only 14 months older than my DD has been "humping" things for sexual stimulation for years.. from the time she was walking... very scary stuff! So, I honestly don't want my DD around any of those kids alone... does that make sense?

How should we approach IL's about this??? I'm thinking DH should do it, since they are his parents and his sister and her kids... There is a history b/t me and SIL (she's convinced that I don't like her kids as much as my own DD.. ummmm... she's MY DD! Hello???), so I don't think it should be me who talks to them.

Suzanne - Yep, it's me. :) Good to see you again. :)

Jacqui

[kycanonist]

BTW, Suzanne, I never got that letter... so, I'm sorry if you thought I was ignoring you, but I never got it...

Jacqui

[Suzanne]

You never got the letter!?! !!! I even wrote it on one of the beautiful cards you made!
Now *I* am embarrassed! I'm so sorry!
I have no idea what happened, and don't even know your address anymore, (I took it off of the return label, way back when)...
:(

SORRY!

Now, as for your situation, that is terribly scary! and a toddler "humping things" for sexual gratification !!? I'm absolutely in shock!! maybe she's itchy and has a yeast infection?? Kids that age can't POSSIBLY comprehend sexual feelings at that age!?! Is there any way to insist that the step children can't go home to see their bio-mom without supervision? Does she have a history of abuse?? I feel so sorry for those kids!
:hissyfit

TERRIBLE... I mean it is REALLY SICK what that woman most have done to those children :( I'm so sorry for them.

[kycanonist]

Well, only the oldest one goes to visit her... and the other twisted relatives... apparently, his older cousin is the one who taught him how to do a lot of this stuff... :doh The middle child and the youngest child are both SIL's bio-kids, so they don't go to that other house, but to think that they are not affected by the garbage that their older half brother experiences is just naive, imho...

The whole thing is worsened, in my opinion, by SIL and her DH's inability to see things... like they have told MIL that the masterbation at the age of less than 2 years old is "normal"... Normal??? On what planet???

So, there's that whole thing too...

It's just such a mess... and I don't want DD to get "caught" in the middle of it..

[Marrae]

I PM'd you. :)

[kycanonist]

Thanks for the PM. :)

I definitely think there are attachment issues with all three of the children in that household... no question... but, there have also been some sexual abuse issues of one of the children who then comes back to the house and teaches the others only goodness knows what, kwim?

There are just so many levels of dysfunction in this house... and I feel badly b/c my DD loves her cousins... but I'm just scared for her safety...

DH talked it over with DD's Godfather, and his best buddy, this afternoon. He has two girls who are 8 and 11. He thinks the best thing to do is to keep the kids from ever being alone with our DD...

So, I'm still afraid of how this is going to get spun by my SIL, but I think it really has to be done...

Please keep us in your prayers...

Jacqui

[ArmsOfLove]

but, I still don't want any of SIL's kids alone with my DD TBH at this point I would not allow them to be at MIL's if they are all together unless MIL is absolutely not even a hint of a denier. I'd encourage you to read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker :tu Excellent book. And I'd make sure I was present and supervising if her children were around at all! Thing is, even if they aren't alone with him and being victimized there are chances he will say or do things that confuse them and you may want to be the one to help them process and interpret if not right there to remove them from the dynamic. :hug

I'm glad he's getting help!

[Suzanne]

HI again :) Everyone here has good advice, I guess what you really need help with is how to spin it to your SIL... Is she close with your dh? Does she take things better from him than you??That may be the best approach, I just guess it'll be a tough pill to swallow either way...

[kycanonist]

I think we're going to speak to the IL's and not SIL. We never are with her and her DH, as we don't particularly care for them, but their kids are very often next door with the IL's, and that's where DD will have contact with them.

DH is going to do it, since it will be more acceptable coming from him...

[Suzanne]

Yikes, how did I miss that your ILs are right next door? :doh
Sorry!
I guess that would be tough... good luck :)

[Radosny Matka]

Oh my. What a sad situation. :pray

[OpalsMom]

The whole thing is worsened, in my opinion, by SIL and her DH's inability to see things... like they have told MIL that the masterbation at the age of less than 2 years old is "normal"... Normal??? On what planet???


I don't want to minimize the situation at all, but actually, masturbation starts being normal at about 10 months. It's not common for kids to get obsessed with it (especially girls), but it happens, and it happens in perfectly ordinary families, and it can be a perfectly normal thing. If she's imitating adult sexual behavior while doing it, that's another issue, but if she's just feeling the nice sensations, well, toddlers are not great at social norms, they just do what they like... and some of them do like that. Letting her continue to do it in public, especially with a brother who has abuse issues, is neither normal nor appropriate. But toddler masturbation is well within the bell curve (see recent threads in Young Explorers, although about boys, who are more likely to figure it out).

[Suzanne]

SOO Jacqui, how did this end up going?? :)

[missythemom]

i agree with opalsmom as well.i too do not want to minimize this situation but it is quite normal and has been well documented as well.i believea couple of T.Berry Brazelton's books have sections on the subject.
anyway being a person that was sexually abused for over seven years in the same house as my parents sometimes with them in just the next room i can tell you from experience that you need to protect your children at all costs even if it means your in laws get mad at you or for that matter never talk to you again.i am not aying that is what their response would be but i can tell you that i would not let my children anywhere near the vicinity of these people without my constant supervision.not even for just a minute.tell them matter of factly that your children will not be there without your personal supervision and that is final.God bless.