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akmyilee
07-11-2005, 08:31 AM
Ok, well this post isn't really about traveling as much as it is about staying with family and friends when your whole "parenting philosophy" has changed. I mean it isn't that big of a jump for me but I am become more aware and a natural / AP style is really unheard of where I am from or at least where my family is from which is where I am traveling to.

I am staying with family and friends for two weeks (with both kids but not dh) at the end of the month. My mom has already went out and bought disposable diapers. I mean I am not apposed to them but it is like it she is already saying, "we aren't going for this weird stuff you do, so I am going to make sure that you do it my way" and I haven't even gotten there. The last time that we where around them we where still spanking some (but not very often) we don't at all now. We also cried it out and ds slept in a crib. I told them that the kids would just sleep with me and they said "well we will get a pack'n play anyway, just in case" Their are several other issues to include junk food ( I can handle him having some but that is all that they eat), starting solids with dd (not even 6 months yet), looking "wierd" when I baby wear.

I don't know if I can take this for the whole time that I am gone, especially with out my husband to back me up. My family has always kinda pushed over me and I don't know how to stand up with out alienating them or steping on their toes. I am staying in their house I kinda feel like I have to play by their rule, kwim? What are ya'lls thoughts?

blessedwithboys
07-11-2005, 08:44 AM
Can you stay with friends instead of family? It sounds like it might be easier for you to stand up to friends. If it were me though, I'd just not make a big deal of it. I'd put the CD's on and ignore the sposies, I'd not let my baby CIO- just put him in bed with me. I'd firmly refuse solids for my baby (no thanks, his doctor really wants him to only have breastmilk right now). AFA the junk food issue, could you go to the grocery store and do some meal prep of your own so that there would be healthy foods in your house for your ds? Maybe get some fruits and veggies that he'd like for snack? :hug

If they give you trouble about looking "weird" when you baby wear, I'd just say "what's weird about snuggling a baby?" and look really puzzled. :grin

LauraK
07-11-2005, 02:24 PM
I just travelled to see my in-laws and I know they see some of our choices as wierd but we had a really fun trip. One thing I read here before the trip was to "assign positive intent". Do not assume that she bought disposables because she is "against cloth", just assume she was trying to be nice and thank her for that. I decided to use disposables on the trip as I did not want to tie up my in-laws washing machine too much and we already were bringing along so much I did not have much room for diapers. If you do want to use cloth then just make sure they are OK with you using their machine to wash them. I know it is irrational but some people might be psychologically wierd about poopy diapers being washed in their machines. If they are not OK with it and you really want to use cloth on your vacation then wash them at a laundromat.

Take the pack-n-play and say thank you and have your child sleep wherever you want her too. Even if things are somehow meant as "an attack" just ignore them. I cosleep but did use the pack-n-play they set up too when my dd was napping or if she went to bed before us at night.

Go to the store and get some food for your children. Try to sneak some healthy food in when you can. Offer to help with meals. I relax eating rules on vacation for the kids and myself.

Try and be as positive as you possibly can about your kids and your role as Mom. Do not complain about being tired or night waking because you open yourself up to critisism. I had this problem with my first...so many people told me to let her cry it out....hardly anyone has ever told me to let Anya cry it out because I do not tell them how tired I am (even though I am really tired sometimes)...

Try to talk about what you agree on and let your great kids speak for themselves. Let your parents enjoy being grandma and grandpa and spend time with the kids if it is possible. I found my MIL loved holding my baby for naps. I think she missed out on this with her own kids because she tried to do things "right".

I found the Pass the Bean Dip sticky in the Discipline forum super helpful....

Try to have fun. Just do what you think is best for your kids but try not to debate to much. It is not important to debate because ultimately you are making the decisions about how to care for your kids. Others do not have to agree that what you are doing is right.

ebethmom
07-12-2005, 08:06 PM
I think the mamas here give such great advice! I agree with mama2 and Laura. I know that when I visit family and especially IL's, I have to do a lot of positive self-talk before we get there.

The support that I receive here and at the Mothering boards is a tremendous help, too. Just knowing that I'm not alone gives me the conviction to stand by what I believe is right for my family.

Amber
07-13-2005, 09:52 AM
I agree with the PPs. I think it is really important to try to assign positive intent to their actions. Maybe your mom thinks that she is making it easier for you by buying disposables so that you don't have to worry about the cloth diapers while you are there. I know that I really have to watch my negative self talk before I go visit my ILs. When I am more positive before hand the visit goes a lot smoother.

One thing you could try is to have a brief conversation with them when you first get there. Let them know that your parenting style has changed and ask that they just be receptive to it...they don't have to agree with it. Also try to set some ground rules...like not giving your dd solids (maybe you could express some milk that they could give her), and trying to limit the junk food. Going to the store and getting your own healthy snacks is a great idea.

One of the ground rules that I have set with my parents is that I know they want to treat (read spoil) my ds, but to please wait until he is at least 2yrs or older to give him sweets and junk food. I am still trying to get my ILs to go along with this. Our last visit up there I found my FIL giving my ds a Cheeto :banghead so I had to redirect FIL to the more healthy snack I had brought with me.

I like the bean dip idea too. Or when offered advice you don't agree with you could always say "I'll talk that under advisement" then go on your merry way. That way you can avoid the long drawn out debates with out your husband there to back you up.

2sunshines
07-15-2005, 07:42 AM
Everyone here has given such great advice.

Just remember that you are the mom and it's your opinions and choices that matter. That's it. You don't need to defend your choices to everyone, though it's fine to if you feel up to it. Make sure not to go in there on the defense. You are just going in to visit with your family and friends and you will be parenting your children as you usually do while there... :shrug

I do know the frustration though. I have been through many similar situations with my family and in-laws... :rolleyes It can be very frustrating. :hissyfit

Praying for you.

akmyilee
07-15-2005, 07:46 AM
Thank you for all your advice ya'll, I do really need to remember that they are "out to get me" it is a stance that I take alot of the time and get SUPER defensive. Having boundries is really hard for me. i think that when all is said and done that even if they all think that I am wierd that they will realize that I am "coming in to my own" and becoming comfortable being myself. I know I am really confidient now, well see when i get in the middle of it..... :smile Thanks again

julietx
07-17-2005, 07:25 PM
sorry posted wrong reply here