One BIG Lie!!

[cklewis]

This has been swirling around in my head for months.

First of all, some info. My DH asked that we transition DS to his crib at 12 mo. I was concerned that it would be possible, but he was being very forthright about the fact that DS's loooooong legs were usually in his bread-basket or nose. :giggle I agreed we tried.

We started using Jay Gordon's method. But instead of a week, I decided we transition over months.

At first I made sure he stayed in his crib until 3am. Then 4am. Of course, if he called for me, I'd go get him and feed him or comfort him or whatever. He always settled very quickly with a little snuggle. At 3am or 4 or whatever, he came to bed with us so we could all snuggle our way awake gradually.

He's now 18.5 mo, and he's consistently sleeping all through the night. From 9-7am! In his crib. :tu

And everyone IRL said, "You'll regret co-sleeping. You're going to have such tantrums when you put him in his crib. You should BREAK him of the habit right NOW. You'll regret it if you don't!"

That's a big lie. We never had ONE tantrum. Not ONE! Yes, it took months, but it was very gentle. And I think I'm still catching up on my sleep, but you all were right. Sleeping through the night is a personality/developmental thing, not a training thing.

The Baby Trainers aren't being honest in this one!!

C

[Ali]

So true. I always rocked/nursed DS to sleep. All the books say, they will never learn to fall asleep on their own if you do that, and you're depriving them of learning to "self-sooth" :rolleyes. DS has been falling asleep on his own for quite some time now with no huge "training" issue or transition. All kids are different, but the point is, those are just scare tactics.

[CJ]

Who is Jay Gordon? Sounds like the methods I've used with all my kids to get them re-sleeping through the night gradually. My 5 and 3 yos sleep together all night most nights, except for the occasional bad dream. I anticipate DS age 16 months to transition in with them before two. But it will be a gradual, gentle process. I have always nursed/rocked him to sleep and then put him in the pack-n-play in our room. When he wakes up in the night, I bring him in bed with us to nurse. Sometimes we finish the night there, other times I'm alert enough to transfer him back into the pack n play. Lately I've been rocking him/nursing him and then he looks at books in the p-n-p. When he starts to fuss, DH goes in, reads him a book and they both fall asleep in our bed until I transfer him. I figure when he's ready, he'll snuggle DH and DS and DD in their bed during story time and go to sleep in there. I've done the "get up and comfort/nurse thing" then put in crib and gradually make the time I will bring baby in bed with me later and later with all my kids, but I never read it anywhere--just made sense and seemed to work. It was a little effort, but no more than any kind of cry-it-out thing and FAR LESS stress!

[erinee]

ITA! I was talking with my SIL and just mentioned that Megan was sleeping all night in her own bed now, and she said they never let their kids sleep with them because everyone told her that they'd never get them out of their bed. She sounded maybe just a little bit regretful to me.

I've never read Jay Gordon's books, but it sounds like pretty much like what we did with Megan, and we really didn't have any trouble at all.

[cklewis]

:nak

http://www.drjaygordon.com/ap/sleep.htm

C

[Irene]

I agree, I remember with Anneka we brought her into our bed out of pure necessity and oh what people would say!!! it was ridiculous!

Now, she goes to sleep pretty much on her own. she reads books, turns off the light and puts herself to sleep :tu sometimes she still needs a little extra, but I know people who did CIO then still spank their 3 and 4 yr olds to sleep :cry because they cant go to sleep on their own.... geeesh

[Irene]

oh, the other thing I was going to say ;) is the whole transition taking months- we do the same thing- (well, isnt that life anyway?) but people always make such a big stinking deal about how you just gotta do these things in 3 days or one week or something- whats up with that?

[J3K]

I've got a daughter who has always either shared a bed or a room. For the first time ever she's got her very own room and she's started sleeping with us again two or three nights a week. We move her to her own bed about 2am.

Two old ladies were sitting in a cafe (true story here) and I got into a discussion about parenting with them. (they started it honest :O ) I mentioned that our seven year old still sleeps with us partial nights a couple of times a week.

One lady said " She HAS to learn to sleep on her own."

The second lady and I said at the same time "WHY?"

She fumbled and didn't have a direct answer. I found that interesting. Especially when the second lady added to her friend "you slept with yours until they were ten". :clap

[Chris3jam]

You know, that one always got me. To let the child CIO, so the parents can sleep. Umm. Ok. Like, who in the house is going to sleep when a baby is crying?! I got a WHOLE lot more sleep when holding my children! :P~ Many, many things "they" said like that just are not logical.

[MomToDM]

I agree that its a big lie. My ds puts himself to sleep for his naps and for bedtime after being rocked, nursed, snuggled to sleep for 2 years. He is now in his own bed in our room and will be moving to his own room very soon. He sleeps in it from 8:00 until about 6:00 usually, then comes and snuggles with me until 8:00. He sleeps better than I ever thought he would, as an infant he wouldn't sleep at all unless someone was holding him or he was snuggled right up next to someone. We made the whole transition very gentle and I don't think we went through very much fight at all. I think people that say you'll never get them out of your bed just don't know what they're talking about, or were too lazy to really put effort into it. JMO

[ArmsOfLove]

I think what they really mean is "If you get them used to you meeting their nighttime needs then when you don't want to anymore they won't want you to stop" which means "be selfish from day one and refuse to meet their needs or they'll come to rely on it" :td

What you did was to continue meeting their nighttime needs while simply changing where they slept :shrug

[UltraMother]

But it's still a long time until their nighttime needs end. There's sickness, insomnia, nightmares, storms, partying neighbors, etc. Even if you choose to cio, you will still be getting up at your inconvenience to care for your children when they're older.

[Iarwain]

I think what they really mean is "If you get them used to you meeting their nighttime needs then when you don't want to anymore they won't want you to stop" which means "be selfish from day one and refuse to meet their needs or they'll come to rely on it" :td


I like your translation, although I don't think I'd repeat it in front of anyone who was actually saying that. ;)

[MagnoliaMommy]

We had the same "You'll never get him out of your bed" comments too. He began sleeping in his own bed and in his own room at age 3 with absolutely no problems. We did try at around 2.5 years, but he wasn't ready...so we just backed off until he was.:) We did a lot of mini transitions along the way. I always rocked him and sang him to sleep and then carried him into my bed until I was about 8 months pregnant and he was just to heavy to carry. ;) I went from rocking him to singing to him in bed while we snuggled...oh I miss those days!
Edited to add: I have friends and who did the CIO and refused to let the kids sleep in their bed as babies. Once they became toddlers and all but tore the doors off the hinges at night, the parents finally relented (albeit reluctantly) and let the kids sleep in their bed just so they could get some rest. All of them (ages 4, 6 and 3) put up huge bedtime battles now and it is just a shame.:( I am a firm believer that meeting a baby's needs fosters independence and that neglecting to meet their needs, well it does just the opposite.

[Radosny Matka]

:tu :clap

[Garnet]

With my dss I did what I was told and tried to get him to sleep in his own bed. What a mess. I wish I had never done that. :sad2 But with Hope and hugh, we co slept, and then when they were ready we went into naps in the crib.....then starting out with us and into the crib, then mornings with us, after sleeping in teh crib.............we never had a problem. But I agree it took months to do, not weeks or days.

[Tulip_Plus_3]

You're right, it is one BIG LIE!!!

I nursed/rocked my triplets to sleep, and/or co-slept with them, and/or held them on my lap on a nursing pillow while they slept. And we did the transition to cribs very slowly, just like you. Took a very, very long time, and I don't regret a moment of it.

Particularly if one of the parents is a stay-at-home parent, I simply do not understand the urgency to force an infant to sleep alone, and for the entire night.

[lumpofclay]

:clap

Tell it like it is!

I love that other lie. . . "If you let your child sleep in your bed, you'll never get them out." Ummm. . . yes, they will. Eventually they leave their mom & dad's bed! ;)

[ArmsOfLove]

At some point they get married

:shifty

:giggle

[cklewis]

Okay -- let me hijack my own thread for a sec. . . . :grin

If we agree that major sleep transitions can be made gently and positively and tantrum-free, what's up with all those people on the Nanny shows? How come their sleep is so messed up? Any predictions on what went wrong for them?

:popcorn

C

[efuego]

I think the issue on the Nanny shows is not the sleeping thing. That is just a result of the underlying issues. It seems in most of the families they lack communication. Parents are either punitive or permissive. Either the kids get away with everything, or the parents yell all the time and spank. It seems that the nanny comes in and lets the parents know how communicate with their kids and with each other.

Side note: I don't agree with Super nanny, she uses the naughty chair (children aren't naughty, their behaviour is). I do like nanny 911, sometimes they try to transition things too quickly for the show, but it isn't that bad.

[ArmsOfLove]

right--the sleep arrangement isn't the problem. It's a symptom of the problem

[Dizzy Blond]

Thanks Camille!!! Dh keeps saying when are we going to put dd in her own bed. Then I ask him when and he says "not yet". So now I know, when the "not yet" becomes "now", then it is possible. :)

[raisa]

Thank you for the success story! DH occassionally asks me when DS should be out of our bed, and I say "Do you want to start tonight?" And of course he says "no!" I remind myself that this is just a year or two out of our lives, and he will grow so big and never be able to cuddle with us in quite the same way. I would much rather transition him when he's old enough to understand where he is and able to come get me if he needs me.

BUT I always hear horror stories too! Thankfully I can say "I know so many people who sleep with their children and it DOESNT bother them!"

[allisonintx]

My first, second, and third children all transitioned to their own beds easily, exactly as the original poster says. My fourth flatly refuses. In her defense though, her life has been chaotic. The day after she was born, my dh left town to go on a job interview and she cried until he came home (losing her little voice entirely in the process,) and then was home all the time for about six weeks and then was commuting long distances to work 4days there 3days home for the next few years. It was confusing to her. She only sleeps well when we are BOTH home and in bed with her. I think that if she can have a year with Daddy coming home every night things will get better. In fact two nights this week, she has slept in with the other children after dh put them all to bed.

[Spirit of the Home]

Wow I feel like I should post in here anonomously ;)

I won't say now long my children were welcome in our bed but it didn't start out that way.

they were quite small kindergarten and under and DH was going along with a lot of alternative ideas I had and I had to convince him of everyone of them as he grew up in a more modern lifestyle he was a little :shrug supportive and a little combative. He would even break my heart :bheart and spank the children and put them back in their own beds when they would try to come in our bed during the night. :eek
I find it amazing that the need is so strong this doesn't even phase them[ i notice these things :-)]
anyway I read the book by Tine Thevinin The Family Bed, [it may be out of print] So I convinced my husband to read it as he used to read a lot after we all fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning I woke up with him and all three children in our bed :happytears.
He said he got to page 37 in the book and was so convicted that he went and carried each sleeping child into our bed and then cuddled them and went to sleep :tu
We never wanted them out untill they were ready to leave on their own so the age doesn't matter to me. But the fact that my teen age son came home from a horror movie and felt comfortable to ask if he could just sleep in our bed for the night [ That must have been one scarry movie :eek] made me feel like we had done a good job :highfive

Oh yes they are all three married and live in their own homes and not one of them comes home at night to sleep in our bed [hmmmm] Oh but because they were all raised this way we get to snuggle the grandchildren with no fears. :cool

Once I read in a bible history book that the people in the old testaments had a Bedroom Closet and the whole family slept in there and they shut the door at night. I can't imagine they would even understand the conversation in this thread, but here we are in our culture dealing with our cultures ways with many people not asking whats really the natural best way and trying to force their own sexual hangups and cultural ways on everyone else. :banghead

My most asked question [ I put myself out there sometimes to couse questioning of the culture] was how do you have[whisper] sex
I asked them where do you have it now, if it is always in their bed they are a little boring ;)

Well anyway we certainly have some well adjusted adult children now so we must not have emotionally scarred them for life.

we were also aware of our culture so we gave them their own rooms so they could have friends over and no one would think they were stange and alll was well in the home front :tu :amen