A few scenarios from a book I used to value

[Heather Micaela]

I dont know if this forum or GD is bast (they seem ot overlap a bit) but since I am tlking about how a punitive authtor feels I put it here.

I was skimming The New Dare to Discipline and relised that Dobson thinks that not punishing=permissive. I know he truly want parents to have a lving realtionship with their child and have theor child come to Christ but I never noticed how Us vs. them the book really is. :(

So I noticed some cases where I see flawed thinking. And I was really wanting to know how these could be better handeled.

(All of the following is in my own words)

1)Mom needs to put her 3 yo DD down for a nap. (OK this in his words: "On this occasion, however, the child was more interested in antagonizing her mom than in merely havingher own way." How does he know that?!!) DD yelled loudly. DD demanded water. Mom refused. DD screamed luder. Mom brough water but DD refused it becuse it wasnt brougt soon enough. Mom kept offering it then said it was going back inthe kitche by the count of 5. Mom then went to keitchen. Dd screamed for water. She veblized DD feelings "You dont want me to take away the water" to no avail

Book Conclusion: DD was chalenging and mocking her mom and rejedcting authority. He mentions boundries. But once into the body of the book talks only about punishment.

Obviously mom et thigs go to far- what should have been done?

2)A different psycholgist reccomends usingin understanding and not punishing when a child call his parent names or makes threats - that you should let it occur. Dobson diagrees and says you should punish. Isnt there a middle ground?

3)Dobson said he learned to satnd 12 ft away when backtalking. On one occcasion he was rudean his mom grabbed a girdle (not GRIDDLE, underwear) which was the nearest thing to her and swung it at him. :eek Since he knew his mom loved him he felt this was ok becuse he disobeyed. I see hitting in anger(which he is against of course) but he doesnt.

And how would GBD look here?

4) Dobson says kids under 18 sahould not be spanked. However when his daughter (who talked early) was 15 mos her mom went out to get firewood. It was raining and DD was shoeless. Twice she was told not to come out and was put back inside. On the third offense DD was spanked on the legs w/ a stick. She cried and ran to her mom saying "Mommy Love" the mom brought DD up into her lap cuddle her for 15 min and told her how disobediant she was.

5) It is almost 8 yr old DS bedtime. Mom say it is nearly 9 (though it is 8:30) cean up your toys and take a bath. 10 min later: Mom asks agan - DS picks up only 2 toys. 6 min later: Mom commands more harshly. Henry meanders to the bath. But he will not do it if something like the phone distracts the routine and MOm does not pursue him.

Book conclusion: Mom warns DS he has 15 minurtes left to play - using a timer. Then Mom tells DS to take a bath. If he doesnt his should muscle could have been squeeezed

GBD?

Just trying to re-train my thinking - would love help here :grin

[4blessings]

Hi! Great questions! Here's how I'd handle some of these situations.

1)Mom needs to put her 3 yo DD down for a nap... DD yelled loudly. DD demanded water. Mom refused. DD screamed luder. Mom brough water but DD refused it becuse it wasnt brougt soon enough. Mom kept offering it then said it was going back inthe kitche by the count of 5. Mom then went to keitchen. Dd screamed for water. She veblized DD feelings "You dont want me to take away the water" to no avail

When DD "demanded" water, I'd model the right way to ask, "Can you say 'I'd like some water please?'" With my children, that always works. If she wouldn't ask the right way, I wouldn't get it. If I did get it and she refused b/c it wasn't brought soon enough, I would have said, "Ok, maybe you'd like to drink it tomorrow" and that would be it. I try never to get into the "round and round" with my children. I disagree that the DD was rejecting authority. My little ones act that way when they're exhausted. She probably didn't really know what she wanted.
.

2) A different psycholgist reccomends usingin understanding and not punishing when a child call his parent names or makes threats - that you should let it occur. Dobson diagrees and says you should punish. Isnt there a middle ground?

I'm somewhere in the middle here. I don't let my children call names or make threats to me or anyone else. When things like that happen, I talk to them about how words can hurt and why it's important to use kind words. My children now range in age from 3-13. We rarely have trouble with name calling and never have trouble with threats (save "If you do that, you can't come in my room", LOL!)

3) Dobson said he learned to satnd 12 ft away when backtalking. On one occcasion he was rudean his mom grabbed a girdle (not GRIDDLE, underwear) which was the nearest thing to her and swung it at him. Since he knew his mom loved him he felt this was ok becuse he disobeyed. I see hitting in anger(which he is against of course) but he doesnt.

All I can say about that is :shrug.


4) Dobson says kids under 18 sahould not be spanked. However when his daughter (who talked early) was 15 mos her mom went out to get firewood. It was raining and DD was shoeless. Twice she was told not to come out and was put back inside. On the third offense DD was spanked on the legs w/ a stick. She cried and ran to her mom saying "Mommy Love" the mom brought DD up into her lap cuddle her for 15 min and told her how disobediant she was.

I assume you meant 18 months here? LOL! Again, I say :shrug.

5) It is almost 8 yr old DS bedtime. Mom say it is nearly 9 (though it is 8:30) cean up your toys and take a bath. 10 min later: Mom asks agan - DS picks up only 2 toys. 6 min later: Mom commands more harshly. Henry meanders to the bath. But he will not do it if something like the phone distracts the routine and MOm does not pursue him. Book conclusion: Mom warns DS he has 15 minurtes left to play - using a timer. Then Mom tells DS to take a bath. If he doesnt his should muscle could have been squeeezed


First of all, I don't get the squeezing of the shoulder muscle?!? :/ Here I have to say that mom needs to get off her bottom and parent the child...follow through. It sounds to me like she's trained him to listen and obey only after she blows a gasket.

I have a child who is very easily sidetracked. I can't give a vague direction like "Take a bath." He might very well get up to go take a bath, but the pile of Legos is just too tempting and he has to stop and create the thing that's in his head. He's not disobedient, just highly distractable and needs lots of direction. I have to walk into his room, look him in the eye and tell him what I want him to do.

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[CelticJourney]

the child was more interested in antagonizing her mom than in merely havingher own way."

Or perhaps the child was in need of some extra time with mom and, for some, negative attention is better than no attention. What is the root of the problem?

A different psycholgist reccomends usingin understanding and not punishing when a child call his parent names or makes threats - that you should let it occur. Dobson diagrees and says you should punish.

I dont' see either as a good way to handle things. If the child is already angry, maybe, just maybe, the parent needs to get to the 'heart of the matter' rather than 'giving them something to be angry about'. Name calling and threats are not allowed in our home, that would be made clear, but a consequence that only the parent, knowing that particular child, would be able to decide.

Dobson said he learned to satnd 12 ft away when backtalking

Interesting that he doesn't say he learned not to backtalk, just to have a physical buffer zone when he did it. 'How's that working for you Dobson's mom?'


I agree with 4blessing on 4 and 5 - time for some parenting. I think it's funny that the child is 'blamed' for 'learning' that he has 15 more minutes to play, but no one even mentions that the mom has FAILED to learn that her 'do it, do it NOW' and walk away method isn't working out at all.

[4blessings]

Interesting that he doesn't say he learned not to backtalk, just to have a physical buffer zone when he did it. 'How's that working for you Dobson's mom?'


Very good point!

[Blue Aurora]

The shoulder squeeze is something that Dobson teaches in his book. You squeeze a certain point that hits a nerve that is extremely painful but doesn't cause lasting damage. He uses that technique with children who need a little "encouragement" to get moving on a task. :td Just FYI

[Grover]

1)Mom needs to put her 3 yo DD down for a nap... DD yelled loudly. DD demanded water. Mom refused. DD screamed luder. Mom brough water but DD refused it becuse it wasnt brougt soon enough. Mom kept offering it then said it was going back inthe kitche by the count of 5. Mom then went to keitchen. Dd screamed for water. She veblized DD feelings "You dont want me to take away the water" to no avail
Okay scene 1 .DD needs a nap and yelled.Normal behaviour of an over tired toddler.Request for water would have been granted ,with a gentlle reminder of "you would like some water please".I cannot understand why anyone would refuse to give a child a drink of water,that seems inhumane to me.I would have to say that the mom should have thought this through better as to say no and then give something is very confusing to an already overtired ,overwhelmed toddler.I would have left the water within reach if it was refused with "I can see your tired,I will leave here for later".I wouldnt have taken it back to the kitchen because I would be sitting with my child,probably reading them a story allowing them to bring themselves under control and sleep.Verbalising was too late ,this child was past reasoning.
Remember when your child has atantrum,dont have one yourself is my moto

[Grover]

A different psycholgist reccomends usingin understanding and not punishing when a child call his parent names or makes threats - that you should let it occur. Dobson diagrees and says you should punish.

I wouldnt allow a child to make threats to anyone or call me names.An angry child needs space to get themselves under control.My older ones [15 and 12 ]get told to take themselves to the conservatory .I dont see this as punishment but allowing them the space to calm down,and control themselves.In short I would diffuse it before it got to that stage by speaking calmly,validating their feelings.If they had shouted abuse they would incur some consequences.probably that they could not go out or on line and show friends more respect and courtessy than they were willing to show their family.

[Dizzy Blond]

Geez! Now I'm convinced not to read ANY of his parenting stuff for ANY reason. I've heard him on the radio, but that's it.

I think the pp's all had good insight.

About the backtalk, what else is appropriate to hit your child with besides a girdle? And yes, I'd learn to stand further away, too. :rolleyes He's not specific on what the backtalk was about. I'd address it or just say "I'm not listening when you use that tone or those words". Or if they are telling me they won't do as I ask, then I'd make the request linked to a goal like "You can do XYZ until you've done ABC as I've asked". Of course, it would depend on the things involved: XYZ & ABC have to be somehow related.