need some co-sleeping encouragement after MIL visit *groan*

[herbalwriter]

My almost-ex MIL (AEMIL? ha ha) visited from out of state this past week, and she asked me if ds slept in his "own bed" (he's not yet a year old) or if he slept in bed with me. I told her the crib was side-carred. She said, "So he is in his own bed?" I said sort of; I just scoot over and nurse him and then scoot back (I didn't mention that sometimes I neglect to "scoot back." ;)). She said, "Well, that's good, because that's a real hard habit to break." (she meant co-sleeping is a hard habit to break.) Now this is a woman who co-slept with the man who is my almost-ex husband until he was 7 years old, and when ds was born she assurred me that she had no problem with co-sleeping. :shrug Now I won't even begin to try to figure out why the change, but I will say that this opinion change of hers came on the heels of my becoming a single mama - is it okay for a single mama to co-sleep with her ds?? I sure don't want him to have the same weird emotional developmental problems that my almost-ex has. Maybe I should have posted this in the single mother forum, but I didn't realize this post was going to go in this direction when I started... :/
Anyway, her comment bugged me. I guess I just need some reassurrance that I am not creating a(nother) weirdo.

[caringmommy]

:hug2 You are just fine. I have 2 boys, 4 and 2, and both of them slept with us. We are gently moving the 2 yo to his own bed. Now he goes to sleep in his own room and sometimes comes into our bed in the middle of the night or early in the morning. I can't relate to what you're going through being a single mom. I can only imagine how tough it is. But, there were many nights when my ds2 was about your son's age when dh went to sleep in the guest room so he could get rest. There is nothing weird about it. MIL's (or in my case just mother's) can be difficult no matter what the circumstances. I think they have a hard time passing on the baton of motherhood sometimes. You know you're doing the right thing for your family.

[herbalwriter]

Thank you Cari - I really needed to hear that!! :hearts

[Soliloquy]

I'm guessing this has nothing to do with being a single mom (her comments, I mean) but more of her being a but-insky now that her DS is soon to be out of the picture. Maybe she feels like you "need" or "want" advice now that you're a single mom (or soon to be). Just smile and bean dip her.

FWIW, I've met plenty of "weirdos" who never spent a minute in their parents beds. My grandmother raised my Dad according to the "experts" of the day, feeding on a strict 4 hour schedule, CIO at night in a crib, etc. etc. and believe me, you don't want your son to turn out like my Dad.

[ArmsOfLove]

:hug

I tried replying the other day but my internet connection was being wonky--anyway, I think you're doing great! Cosleeping will help minimize the anxiety you both experience during the divorce and just because you're going to be a single mom doesn't mean that your ds's needs are suddenly gone :shrug

At the same time, I've heard from many single moms (especially going through and divorced) that it's best to have a "baby sleeping space" and not volunteer the cosleeping info if you think that exdh or anyone else might make accusations or use it against you :( IOW, don't invite trouble. If she's being weird about it now I'd make it an off limits topic with her and not share what you're choosing with her. jmo

[herbalwriter]

Crystal- That is a very good point - luckily, the Lord has abundantly supplied me with Grace and this is not the messy situation it would have been if I had acted according to what my ex deserved (and deserves). God expects more from me than that, and I have tried very hard to be amicable while being treated like used goods. :bheart So far, this has not been the sort of messy divorce where my ex is looking for ways to get at me legally - I see your point on that, because he could twist the co-sleeping thing and use it against me. Although my instinct is "he'd never do that," I have learned that he can't be trusted and I don't know what he'll do (after all, I thought he was a Christian who would never divorce his wife for no reason, either). So as far as they are all concerned, the crib is side-carred, I scoot over and nurse, and scoot back, and Josiah essentially sleeps alone. And, really, that's essentially true. :)
And LisaM, good points - when she was my MIL, she was careful not to butt in; maybe now she feels like she has free rein. And I imagine more "weirdos" are such because they were raised on a strict schedule and never had their most basic needs for touch, food, and suckling met. Sorry you don't have a good relationship with your dad... :(

[Radosny Matka]

:hug No, you are not creating a weirdo. You are creating an attached, confident little man. :D

[herbalwriter]

Thank you Sara! :hearts
I am just going to tell people from now on that Josiah sleeps in a crib next to my bed. Enough said.

[ArmsOfLove]

I might even go vaguer than that, "We have a crib set up next to my bed." That way if he starts cosleeping more it won't be a partial truth ;)

[herbalwriter]

Excellent point! I'll do that. :-)

[AttachedMamma]

We have a DD, not a DS, and she is 4.5 yo and still co-sleeps. She is showing interest in her own space and her own bed in the near future. I'll miss the day she leaves b/c it is such a joy having her with us...especially now that she sleeps all through the night!

I just want to encourage you that you will not "mess up" your son. He will let you know when he needs more space. This time together will be short-lived...enjoy it and don't let anyone convince you to do otherwise.

p.s. I always crack up when people make the comment about "breaking that habit" or (my favorite) "you'll never get her out of your bed". I've responded with a giggle saying, "Well, then it's a good thing we have a huge king-size bed b/c then we can fit DD's DH in there too!" :lol

cindi

[herbalwriter]

I love that! :lol I'll remember that one...there's room for ds's wife! :P~

[herbalwriter]

Another thing I want to mention, for what it's worth, is that, although my MIL co-slept with her son (my ex) until he was 7, it was mostly out of necessity due to small living quarters, and she never breastfed at all - bottle fed from the beginning. (Incidentally, my ex has one of the worst cases of Crohn's disease you could ever imagine - in remission now, but growing up it almost killed him.)