Frustrated about Doc visit today. Co-sleeping = unhealthy?

[BHope]

My DD had an 18 month well-baby check up today. We are military, so I generally don't discuss parenting with my Ped. (We often get a different one every time, and who knows what their views could be.) Today our Doc asked us questions about whether DD was on whole milk. I mentioned we are still BFing. I left out the fact that DD refuses to drink any kind of milk (mine or Cow) out of a sippy, bottle or cup. I figured I didn't need to hear about the different tips on how to trick her into getting milk. She eats cheese like it's going out of style. So I am really not worried about the milk issue.

Anyway, the Doc surprised me by being supportive of my breastfeeding an 18 month old. She did ask when we were going to consider weaning. I told her that we are taking weaning at the same pace as potty learning. (Sarrah's pace.) She commended me for not pushing either and even encouraged me to tandem nurse when the new babe comes if DD is still nursing. Something we planned on doing, but was nice to hear the encouragement.

Anyway, during all the breastfeeding talk it kind of came out that DD nurses nearly 5 times a night. The doctor made a comment about how she assumed then that DD was in the same room as us at night, to which I admitted we co-slept. (Seriously, I don't like volunteering this information to doctors. It's just not their business.)

She then went on to say that children need to learn to fall asleep on their own. Then gave me a 'knowing look' and said, "Babies should NEVER be soothed to sleep. They need to learn to fall asleep on their own." Adding after a pause. "At any age."

I assume she meant that even as a newborn I shouldn't have rocked, nursed, or cuddled DD to sleep.

She then asked us when we were planning on transitioning her to her crib. (Which, to be honest, at this point if we transition her it'll be to another bed. Not a crib. lol.) I gave her a non-commital answer about how we were working towards that. Figuring to myself that she didn't need to know that I held a personal opinion that as a whole each day was a step towards eventual independence for DD. (Seriously, I see DD becoming more and more independent daily. In all areas. Sleep, eating, getting dressed, play time. The only area that I apparently need to ensure to train her, though, is in sleeping. *sarcasm*)

THEN the doctor kept on about the sleep situation by saying that having a child who can fall asleep on her own was just healthier. To which I looked at her a bit surprised. Because, well, I've never heard there being a HEALTH reason tied to falling asleep on your own.

She quickly amended her comment by saying that "most parents find it healthier for them [parents] to have children who could be laid down in a room and left alone to fall asleep." She said it was just convenient for parenting.

I don't know why I am rambling on about all this except I find it astonishing that she supports child led weaning, extended breastfeeding, tandem nursing, and child led potty learning... but draws the line at nighttime parenting. Maybe it's just a sore spot for me because my DD is the only one out of her peer group that still night wakes/night nurses. She transitions easily to sleep at night, but needs the companionship of co-sleeping. She also prefers to be rocked, or nursed, or patted, or sang to as she falls asleep. If I was to lay her down awake and leave the room she would just cry.

Sure it would be more convenient for me if she was the 'perfect' sleeper. But I've found out in the last 18 months that parenting is less about convenience and more about love and dedication and sacrifice.

And yes, I probably need to work on our night time parenting routine. I did buy the No Cry Sleep Solution. But chickened out of reading the rest of it when I got to the part about writing down 10 days of our sleep habits. (Just the thought of adding another 'to do' to my day was enough to close the book.) But seriously, rocking with my child (nursing/patting/singing) as she falls asleep can't be UN-healthy? Right?

*sigh*

[DogwoodMama]

I don't think it's unhealthy at all! :shrug I can see how that was upsetting, that the doctor was supportive of other things but not co-sleeping. I wonder if she has her own kids? Maybe she's sleep-deprived so it's biasing her view? :shrug :hug

[Tex]

Seeing as at the end Dr admitted the sleeping on their own is a parent issue..I'd say Dr is more on your side than not.

What works for y'all is all you should worry about. :)

[ArmsOfLove]

Maybe get her a copy of Ashley Montagu's "Touching"

:hug I know how frustrating that is. But it's pretty standard for military doctors. They are VERY pro breastfeeding :tu But not at all pro co-sleeping :/

When Aidan was less than one month old I woke up because he was laying on my arm and stopped breathing :eek I immediately picked him up and he startted breathing again. When I took him to the doctor they said it was probably RSV and to make sure that he slept in his carseat instead of his crib :rolleyes I responded that we coslept and I would keep him upright on my arm or my chest. Then I got lectured about all of the dangers of cosleeping. I asked the doctor if they lectured their crib users of the dangers of crib death? :shrug She didn't appreciate that :giggle

[Soliloquy]

I don't know why I am rambling on about all this except I find it astonishing that she supports child led weaning, extended breastfeeding, tandem nursing, and child led potty learning... but draws the line at nighttime parenting. Maybe it's just a sore spot for me because my DD is the only one out of her peer group that still night wakes/night nurses. She transitions easily to sleep at night, but needs the companionship of co-sleeping. She also prefers to be rocked, or nursed, or patted, or sang to as she falls asleep. If I was to lay her down awake and leave the room she would just cry.


I held that same opinion before I had children of my own. Perhaps she doesn't have children or, if she does, her children went to sleep easily in a crib. FWIW, my DD is 17 months old and nurses every 1-4 hours all night long. She needs me to lie next to her while she naps, too. I was concerned about it when she was an infant because, like you, I didn't know many babies who were like that. Now I cherish this time I have with her. I also have more friends IRL who are family bedders now--in fact, most of the moms I hang out with have family beds and let their children nurse whenever they wish.


Sure it would be more convenient for me if she was the 'perfect' sleeper. But I've found out in the last 18 months that parenting is less about convenience and more about love and dedication and sacrifice.
Right on!! :tu



And yes, I probably need to work on our night time parenting routine.

Why? If it's working for your family, it's working for your family! You do not need to please any "professional." Remember that doctors do not train in emotional development (other than warning signs for disorders) and the parenting advice they give out is merely their own opinion. I read NCSS, too, but more to see what it was about. My DD still rouses and nurses very frequently at night, but I'm OK w/ that so there's no reason for me to try and encourage her to nurse less. Once in awhile we'll have a night where I feel like I don't get enough rest, but the vast majority of the time we both are well rested. I say don't fix something if it isn't broken.

[BHope]

Thanks for the replies ladies.

I find it so frustrating when doctors dish out personal advice and not medical advice. If I had been less of a challenging person I would have accepted her statement that soothing to sleep was 'unhealthy' and then think of the mess I would be in! Sheesh.

I wish I had more friends who had family beds. The *only* IRL friend who I know co-slept for an extended period has moved away. I rarely discuss co-sleeping with my other friends. Mainly because of the negative reactions I get. (Most of the moms I hang out with have all finished having babes. So it's not as though I am going to influence their toddler co-sleeping habits.)

I do want to work out our nighttime routine. At least all the night nursing. Mainly because baby number 2 is on his/her way and if this next one is anything like DD she/he is going to be a serious night nurser. I will say, though, that I have been trying to give DD more time to adjust. Just in the last three months she has really grown more independent of nursing. At least during the day. I am hoping that she will naturally night wean in the next couple months.

[Hannah Jo]

I live in Korea, and I have never seen a family using a crib here. Japan is the same. Koreans and Japanese grown-ups seem to have learned to sleep by themselves....

[IslandMama]

That's just sad that your Ped would think it unhealthy to co-sleep.. Don't feel discouraged, you're doing a great job! :tu My last dd nursed until she was almost 3, and is 4 now and still co-sleeps.. Maybe she didn't have a good experience with co-sleeping? She does have a demanding job that you would need a good nite sleep, or maybe she doesn't have any??? I wouldn't even focus on why she would make that suggestion, but know that you are doing what is best for your child. I only have 2 friends that co-sleep, so I don't discuss the issue much either, I've learned not to put myself into a conversation that will make me struggle! :banghead As long as your nite routine doesn't bother you or your husband, continue what you're doing! :grin

[herbalwriter]

Crystal - guess it never occurred to your doctor that you wouldn't have discovered the RSV if you weren't co-sleeping! It would have been much worse if he had been alone in a crib and the cessation of his breathing went undetected.

[herbalwriter]

p.s.
My ds if almost 1 year old and nurses 3-4 times a night. So don't feel bad! :-)

[ArmsOfLove]

Yeah, Elizabeth, I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I'd not been right there :(

And Japan was where my family started cosleeping :)

[Soliloquy]

I responded that we coslept and I would keep him upright on my arm or my chest. Then I got lectured about all of the dangers of cosleeping. I asked the doctor if they lectured their crib users of the dangers of crib death? :shrug She didn't appreciate that :giggle


That's awesome. I'm going to remember that!!!

[LauraK]

And yes, I probably need to work on our night time parenting routine. I did buy the No Cry Sleep Solution. But chickened out of reading the rest of it when I got to the part about writing down 10 days of our sleep habits. (Just the thought of adding another 'to do' to my day was enough to close the book.) But seriously, rocking with my child (nursing/patting/singing) as she falls asleep can't be UN-healthy? Right?

You only have to monitor sleep every 10 days not for 10 days. Her approach is log for a day try some changes for 10 days and then log again for one day and see if it helped....etc.

[BHope]

You only have to monitor sleep every 10 days not for 10 days. Her approach is log for a day try some changes for 10 days and then log again for one day and see if it helped....etc.


:lol I guess I really do need to refresh myself on what I need to do. I seriously thought I needed to write down everything for ten days. One day every ten days might not be so bad. lol.

[jluvts]

Sure it would be more convenient for me if she was the 'perfect' sleeper. But I've found out in the last 18 months that parenting is less about convenience and more about love and dedication and sacrifice.


That is so true!
My son is 21 months old, and still nursed and rocked to sleep. He too still wakes (well, more like fidgets, he doesn't fully wake) to eat at 2-3 times a night. I see it as no big deal. He loves his mommy (will stop playing just to come give me a hug or kiss) and his daddy, his gma and his gpa. He talks and babbles, helps me dress him, and shows no signs of being a serial killer, so I don't see what the big deal is. On his website, Dr. Sears says if you want to parent your child to sleep (breastfeeing, co-sleeping, rocking, etc), you should be prepared for up to 4 years. Thats quite a commitement, but its one that my husband and I are completely satisfied with.

[ellies mom]

My DD is 20 months and she still wakes once or twice to nurse and that doesn't count the snacking she likes to do the last hour or so before we get up for the day. I just don't want you to feel alone. Logging DD's sleep stuff was my Pantley downfall to, but I can say that DD is slowly sleeping longer. DD goes to sleep in her crib, but I usually bring her into bed with us or we fall asleep on the twin bed in her room at some point in the night.

When she was a few months old, I brought her in for one of her visits and the ped asked if I was putting her to sleep on her back. I was honest and said that I had been sleeping with her on my chest and she was on her stomache. The Ped told me, "Oh, well that is different. That's OK." She is really ok with co-sleeping and nursing to sleep. Her attitude is that as long as it works for us and isn't a problem, than it is fine. She recommends Brazelton if you ask.

I figure even if as Dr. Sears says I should be prepared for a few years, that it is really in the big scheme of things a short period of time.

[Radosny Matka]

:rolleyes

[AttachedMamma]

Sure it would be more convenient for me if she was the 'perfect' sleeper. But I've found out in the last 18 months that parenting is less about convenience and more about love and dedication and sacrifice.

:tu That's what I learned too. Our DD is 4.5 yo now and sleeps like a log. We still parent her to sleep...she's just always been very high needs and super energetic so she needs help relaxing. I think she got that from me. :grin And I think she's learning ways to help herself relax, but it's not like she can brew herself a cup of Bedtime tea and read a good book to fall asleep. :rolleyes

I always felt so alone when dealing w/DD's very frequent nightwaking. I couldn't discuss it with anyone b/c the advice would just come pouring in about how we needed to let her soothe herself to sleep. Sometimes I just wanted a shoulder to cry on about how hard it was...so DH and I talked about it frequently or I'd hit the boards :hug.

It is strange that the Ped supported all those other AP-type scenarios and yet had such an issue w/co-sleeping. Perhaps she wasn't speaking to you as a Ped, but rather as a parent. Peds cannot really separate their personal opinion from their professional opinion. :rolleyes

Anyway, follow your heart. Years from now, things that parents will regret are not spending enough time w/their DC, losing patience, etc....certainly not anything like co-sleeping or extended nursing. :heart

cindi

[BHope]

Thanks again for all your support. It is nice (is that a horrible thing to say?) to hear that my DD's sleeping habits are 'normal.' Just wanted to tell you that this Ped visit has an off topic "To be continued"

New post here: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=16428.0