does ap create separation anxiety or jealousy?

[made4more]

Hey, I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this, but this is the only AP thread I have seen. (thought there was an AP board, but I guess not? :shrug) anyway, I am curious abut wether or not this baby wearing and co-sleeping creates separation anxiety meaning that they hate to EVER be away from you later? Or maybe jealousy in the older kids. I would think that if I was holding the baby all day, the other kids might start to not like the baby so much. :think Again, I'm sorry if this sounds so out of line in an (excited/happy) thread.

[flowermama split this post off of another discussion]

[Titus2:5Catholic]

http://www.naturalchild.com/home/ has some good articles on the science behind AP. So does the book "Home by Choice" by Dr. Brenda Hunter

Seperation anxiety is a normal developmental phase. In AP it's not ignored- it's understood and seperation is limited as much as possible. In kids who CIO, or who are absent from their primary caregivers a lot, they may appear to not be suffering from seperation anxiety (although some have the opposite response and become frantic during any seperation- that was what my oldest DS did when I was working part time), but it's not because they aren't feeling this, it's because they've learned their cries aren't going to be answered.

As far as jealousy, I've found AP kids tend to be less jealous when a new baby comes. They're more secure of their place in the family, and of course, the parents are still AP'ing them- it just looks different. It might mean you have your older child's toddler bed in your room verses the room down the hall, or it might mean that you lay with them for ten minutes at night when they fall asleep, or you spend a little extra time reading to them, or whatever, but they're still being AP'd- just age appropriately. All my kids have been AP parented minus the discipline, and we haven't had the slightest hint of jealousy- of course, I only have three.

[SingingPraise]

I am just going to agree with the last poster and add some more thoughts.
Every child is different. period. Even if raised the same.
As a mama of three ap'd children , the oldest turning 16, I can honestly say that separation anxiety is a phase that ALL children go thru whether they are gently attached or left on their own lots. Its a matter of how they learn to cope with the separation anxiety they experience. ATtached parenting means that you help your children with these normal transitions in the most gentle, loving, attached way possible.

As for "I am curious abut wether or not this baby wearing and co-sleeping creates separation anxiety meaning that they hate to EVER be away from you later? Or maybe jealousy in the older kids":
lol. As my 16 year old if she hates to EVER be away from me.
LOL
She is a confident, stong willed, amazing young woman who had ZERO jealousy when her siblings came (when she was 10 and 14yrs old)
She does not sleep in our bed i promise. She DOES know that no matter where she is, and what is happening, day or night, she can and must call us and we'll come and get her. No matter what. She knows that deep inside and it makes her strong. She knows we are completely there for her.

My almost 5yo is also an amazingly self assured young lady. She attends sunday school each week and the teachers tell me how indepedant she is. At a year old she was extremely attached with severe separation anxiety. She would cry when anyone but family tried to hold her. She passed thru the phase rather quickly. And she starts kindergarten in the fall.

My son, almost 2 is the baby. He is, right now, the velcro boy - attached to me at the hip. lol. Which is totally and completely NORMAL .
I have no idea when his separation anxiety will pass. It doesn't matter to me. I will help him transition thru it, slowly and gently as I did with the others. And i'll enjoy it now, cuz it will pass too quickly and then he won't let me hold him. lol

All my babies have been held, worn, have coslept, have breastfed (the oldest til a year, the younger two were each almost 2 when we weaned). We use gentle discipline, no cio (in arms crying only when working on nightweaning) and really listening to our children - their cues, their needs, their words. We have seen zero jealousy - the girls have a wonderful sister relationship, and they love the little boy and take care of him, and help him. My 5yo tells me all the time 'thank you for making me a baby brother. i really needed one. even if he is a maniac some times'. rotfl

Anyway, AP is not a concrete way of doing things and therefore won't produced exact results. AP with every child is something different.
AP is listening to YOUR childs cues and helping them on the path.

[kris10s]

So far, my daughter is 11 months old and has had no seperation anxiety. She has never cried when I left her or when she left me, whether with friends or family or in a nursery situation.

[snlmama]

In my experience, it creates happy, secure children who are able to be independent and be w/o mommy when they are ready.
Had an interesting conversation w/ my ds' Sunday School teacher this week (5-6 year old class). The "reason" it all came up is b/c I'm filling in for her this summer - it wasn't just "gossip," she was making sure I was aware of and prepared to handle some "issues."
Anyhoo. There is 1 child in the class whose parents follow the Ezzo program w/ their children. There are 2 who have been in fulltime daycare since birth and sep. from mom all the time to "prevent" separation anxiety. There are about 6 kids in the class whose kids (and 1 of those is in daycare, but a situation where mom has been sensitve to the needs all the time - sort of AP working mom.
Soo, she's telling me that some of the kids have a really hard time transitioning between activities and start "wanting Mommy" and even *crying* for their Mommy during that time and gave me some suggestions on distracting them. After I got home, it hit me that the kids she was concerned about and who were crying for their parents were the 3 who have been pushed away from their parents since birth ala "Ezzo" and similar methods and *pushed* to be "independent" at an early age. (and the parents who gave me a hard time about "spoiling" *my* infants...)
Struck me as really interesting. I'm not sure this "proves" anything, but it was interesting to see that forcing independence did NOT create a secure child. :(

[Iarwain]

AP does not create separation anxiety. AP acknowledges the fact that separation anxiety happens, is normal, and responds to the child's need with compassion.

All of my children have been through that stage. One (16 mos) is still very much in it. It comes, it passes, and they grow up and move on. There are studies that have shown that children who are securely attached when they are small actually become MORE independent when they are older. The reason? they are more confident and more assured that their parents will be there if they need them.

[ArmsOfLove]

AP does not create separation anxiety. AP acknowledges the fact that separation anxiety happens, is normal, and responds to the child's need with compassion. I 100% agree with this! non-ap'd children go through separation anxiety! Sometimes children get so used to being away from mom that they don't appear to have separation anxiety but it's more an issue of having given up on complaining about it. I say this because not all non-ap'd children give up and some have severe separation anxiety.

As for older children being jealous--I've not experienced that at all! Rather, my older children will tell me things like, "The baby is crying! He wants to nurse. Get him, Mama!" This, I believe, is because I don't stop ap'ing my older children when a new baby comes along. Things may change, but we stay attached. I've tandemned several times, they aren't kicked out of the family bed just because a new baby is born, and I continue meeting their needs--while reminding them how I parented them when they were babies and how much babies need.

[This Busy Mom]

As for older children being jealous--I've not experienced that at all! Rather, my older children will tell me things like, "The baby is crying! He wants to nurse. Get him, Mama!" This, I believe, is because I don't stop ap'ing my older children when a new baby comes along.

Me either... in fact, mine drive me nuts :giggle sometimes because they respond quicker to the baby than I want them to sometimes. My 7yo will jump out of her seat and go to the baby's rescue at a moment's notice. My older kids climbed in bed with one of my babies when I tried to "cry it out" years ago... I never ever made a very good unattached mom.

[cklewis]

I actually see my DS better adjusted than his peers. They are still upset when left (demonstrating SA), but my DS gets a snuggle and walks away to play with the toys. :)

Of course, the babies that are crying? Their moms snuck out when their kids weren't looking. :cry2

C

[purplerose]

ITA with what everyone has said so far. I know a lady who has 11 kids ages 4-27 and they have all been AP/GBD'd, even though she didn't know she was doing that at the time. But they are the MOST AMAZING family!!!!! All the kids are well-adjusted, never jealous, LOVE :heart having all the siblings and are all very close to each other and the parents! She attributes this to the parenting style and placing Jesus Christ as the focus in their home. Yes, separation anxiety is normal. My DD never had it, but DS did. People tried to tell me it was because I bf him for so long (so long? I only bf him til 10mos and then he weaned himself!) And people tried to say it was because I held him all the time. I did this exact same stuff with DD and she never had sep anx, so what do they know! All kids are different! Some might get sep anx, some might not! Some kids might be jealous of the new baby, some might not! If they do, just give thema little extra attention and love just to reassure them! AP/GBD is wonderful and I'm glad that I do it!!

[OpalsMom]

My sling-baby DD went into daycare at 7 months, a peak time for separation anxiety. She didn't like to see me leave, but she was over it immediately (and I mean immediately -- they'd turn her away from me and talk to her about a picture on the wall or whatever, and she'd stop crying before I got my shoes on). She never showed classic separation anxiety, and was easy to care for, cuddly but self-amusing when the carers were too busy to cuddle. Eventually, I found a good answer for the times they told me "You can tell you don't hold her too much" (even though she rarely set foot to ground while I was there -- she wailed if I wasn't holding her and went straight from my arms to somebody else's, they NEVER saw me not holding her). I used to say "Oh no, I hold her just enough; all the time she wants to be held. Which was basically all day long when she was younger." There's one I don't think I ever convinced. She was sure that the babies that wanted to be held all the time were held too much at home, and no matter how much I told her people fuss at me for holding DD too much all the time, she was sure the reason DD was self-amusing was that I did something right. Personally, I think I was blessed -- but anyway, it's not because we were reluctant to hold her.

Daycare still tells me that she "doesn't cry to be picked up". Why would she? She walks up to every person who enters the room and reaches up, so she gets picked up all the time without crying. And when that doesn't work, she gets them to read her a book. Which of course they usually do with her in somebody's lap... She only cries to be picked up at home, where I have not figured out how to put on my blue jeans while carrying her (no, Daddy will not do -- the very idea saps her will to live, and she must wilt to the floor).

[CelticJourney]

I think ap cures seperation anxiety, just not as fast as 'they' would like.

My older children appreciate the baby being held - that means he's not in their stuff. :D

[GodChick]

I look at it this way: my kids are NOT going to want to be around me every minute of the day when they're 12. . . . and if they do, I'll consider myself lucky!! ;)

[Shawn]

AP is so amazing! My oldest dd was an extremly high needs baby, and is now a high needs toddler. A month after she turned two I had to go to the hospital and ended up staying for six weeks. My mom came down to take care of her and was shocked to see how secure and well adjusted Dd was in spite of the situation. She expected tantrums, clinginess, etc... None of that. It was a little :bheart for me, though, to see how easily Dd would leave me after visiting at the hospital. :shifty And no real jealousy toward her little sister! :tu

[Dana Joy]

I would like to add that APed kids grow up to be AP themselves so that would mean they do not resent it at all. MY 21 yo dss lovingly sleeps with his daughter, supports his wife's bfing efforts and never let her CIO. If it created jealosy or issues I doubt the oldest of 9 APed kiddos would be following in our footsteps.