SIL and BIL Babywising their Newborn!

[Lilly_of the_ Fields]

:banghead I am so upset...my SIL and BIL have been doing the full Babywise thing with my newborn neice. Both dh and I had talked to them during their pregnancy, I gave them stacks of resources, our minister has been upfront with his concerns...but it's all been water off a ducks back apparently!

My MIL visited us today and she said she thinks they're finding it really difficult (baby was being left to CIO and my SIL just sat there writing in a note pad, arguing with my FIL that the baby is 6 weeks not 3 weeks - he was right). :bheart They put such a meticulous "coping" front to us that we don't see that side and they've not been very enthusiastic about us visiting them at home. :cry

They went out 5 days after the baby was born for a "date night" and were proud "they'd made a rule and didn't talk about the baby the whole time"... is this an Ezzo thing? :shrug It seems so - unnatural - not allowing yourself to talk about a wonderful life changing event like that! :blush Man, ours is 18 months old and we talk about him all the time (he's a great source of joy)!

Really need your prayers as I feel so frustrated and want to be able offer support without making them dig their heels in/avoid us further. A ray of hope is the new mums groups that the government organises - led by community health nurses, a couple of whom in our area are Christians and anti-Ezzo :pray Really hope my SILs group is led by one (although having mentioned one of their names to BIL and SIL already, I'm afraid she'll request another group!)

*Sigh*... :cry

[Joanne]

:banghead

:grouphug

:pray

[AmyDoll]

i'm sooo sorry...

:hugheart
:pray

Amy

[snlmama]

:hugheart :pray

[Oliveshoots]

...maybe you should offer to babysit next time they need a "date night"...at least you would know dn would get tons of tlc!!!

:pray :hugheart I'm so sorry....it's frustrating enough to read about ezzoing, but to face it IRL in your family, I know it must hurt and make you :sick2 I'm :pray hard for that precious little girl.

[Wonder Woman]

:hug :cry :hissyfit :banghead :bheart

[MarynMunchkins]

:cry I agree about offering to baby-sit. I had a friend who was tempted to leave her kids crying, and I'd tell her to just bring them to me and take a break. :D

[FindingMyWay]

YEs I also agree with babysitting!

:pray for them!

[TulipMama]

Ezzo's books have built in them a certain defensiveness--that leads parents using his ideas to be defensive and not trust those who disagree with his ideas. His newest religious version of Prep for Parenting (now Along the Infant Way) has a long section on contacting a LC if you need one--but then sows so many seeds of distrust.

It's really hard seeing someone you love do something like this to their child. You want to maintain the relationship with the adults and the children--and sometimes that means holding back instead of sharing.

I found that the "little" things shared with me planted seeds that helped me finally realize Babywise was not all it was cracked up to be. For instance, seeing an illustration of how tiny a baby's tummy is. Realizing how many calories a baby needs for optimal growth. Understanding how "sleeping through the night" early really kept my babies from the steady intake of nutrients they needed for growth and brain dev't. Learning about the breastfeeding hormones, and how nighttime stimulation is best for high milk production.

You can share things that she can "hear" without feeling attacked. Encourage her to continue learning about baby development. Remind her that even the Ezzos say (and are saying even more now) that it is important to be flexible and not "push" too fast on establishing a routine. Let her know that some Ezzo moms never go beyond the 3 hour routine because that's what they've found best for breastfeeding, or they adopt an eat/wake/eat/sleep routine. If she has embraced Babywise--encourage her to have the confidence to modify it in ways that it will be more "successful" for her and her baby.

Oh, and Anne Marie Ezzo is quick to say that they do NOT teach cry-it-out. (I'd disagree--they teach it without calling it that.) But that even Anne Marie would probably encourage her not to let her 3 wk/6 wk old baby cry and cry.

[RealLifeMama]

They went out 5 days after the baby was born for a "date night" and were proud "they'd made a rule and didn't talk about the baby the whole time"... is this an Ezzo thing? :shrug It seems so - unnatural - not allowing yourself to talk about a wonderful life changing event like that! :blush Man, ours is 18 months old and we talk about him all the time (he's a great source of joy)!

Poor baby!
Yes, this a common thing, actually.
This is the sort of thing that gives "dating your husband" like we were discussing a couple weeks ago a bad name. I know many couples that do this, and it is sad.

:pray

[malakoa]

just a note - how badly would your breasts have hurt if you left for a night without your new baby? mine swell just thinking about it. whew!

[Lilly_of the_ Fields]

Thankyou, thankyou for your replies & advice. Yes, I think we will offer to babysit - I'm not sure why we didn't think of it before! :doh We also made an impromptu visit today which was recieved well, which is encouraging.

Well, visited today and the news is my SIL's milk supply is down :sa

Neice is gaining weight ok, mostly due to her being given a supplementary bottle feed - at scheduled PDF times of course. To her credit, SIL followed the LC advice & tried to express bw feeds in the hopes to increase her supply before deciding to swap to formula.

SIL says she's frustrated niece only sleeps 5 hours at night before waking (assured her that this is actually considered to be "sleeping through" for infants and she was visibly relieved). While I was there baby started to cry (in a seperate area of the house with a pacifier and no baby monitor... :( ) SIL looked at the clock, ignored her and crying she stopped after about 30 seconds. Must have just given up. Decided it was time to leave then before I broke my promise to the Lord & dh not to talk about Babywise explicitly or speak negatively about anything she's doing (I get very tactless when I'm nervous) but praise up the positives.

Actually, Dh was wonderful, told her lots of funny anecdotes of our early breastfeeding adventures that indirectly let her know how we did things (like the first time *I* started "sleeping through", ie. not waking up to swap ds over to the other breast and inevitably ending up with one boob larger than the other).

Will absolutely follow up on the Babysitting, even if it's just during the day so SIL can get some rest. Thanks for the prompting. :grouphug

[APMamaX4]

:cry Well, I agree that perhaps offering to babysit will not only let you help DN, but also might open SIL's eyes up to how well her baby responds to AP-stuff :)

[Oliveshoots]

I have this image in my mind of your dn going home after an evening with you, all smiles, and talking her mom through her anxiety over parenthood :lol Maybe she could even teach her mom how to use the sling :lol Couldn't you just see a little newborn going "oh mom, you're frustrated. It's okay to be frustrated, but it's not okay to let me cry for so long. Here, let's try out this new sling!" Hee hee hee.....you could have your own APGBD boot camp at your house!!

Still praying for you and your family about this. Sounds like there is much hope!!! I pray that soon we will read you telling us how your SIL and BIL are new converts to AP!! You are a wonderful light in their lives right now, and I admire you for being so gentle and tactful with them, taking your time in sharing what you've learned, and being there to support them. Being a parent of a newborn is so stressful, as they are discovering, and it's such a blessing that you are there to help them out and give THEM comfort, so that hopefully they in turn can give HER comfort!! :hug2

[TulipMama]

*grin* Sounds like you and dh did a great job! Reassuring her that 5 hours for newborns IS sleeping through the night and such is just the sort of information your SIL needs to incorporate "balance" if she is committed to Babywise.

Does she like the internet? You could recommend breastfeeding.com (which is MUCH more mainstream than GCM is) and yet has good information on breastfeeding.

Does she have the newest edition of Babywise? Because the new version (while still planting seeds of mistrust in those who don't PDF) recommends being OPEN and honest with a pediatrican/lactation consultant about the routine. If so, she may be willing to keep "modifying" the routine instead of feeling pressure to be more "by the book."

Also, the newest edition I believe mentions some moms go back to (or never leave) a 3 hour routine to help with milk supply. Or keep in a late night/early morning nursing.

It's great that your dh is on board--I think sometimes things can be "heard" from other fathers, when mothers may feel defensive/judged by other mothers. And if your hubby is well informed about breastfeeding (and it sounds like he is!) that might be just the encouragement your sil needs to adopt practices that lead to more successful breastfeeding and hopefully minimizing the negative impact Babywise has on her family. (Though, it sounds like it's already leading to a lot of stress for her. . .)

[Lilly_of the_ Fields]

Thanks again for your replies and prayers! I stopped by again today & SIL was soooo much more positive about seeing me! :tu

And I'm feeling much more empathic towards her too... the fact that they have been Babywising had upset me so much, I'd started to think *I* had to change them - and have been getting frustrated they haven't been listening to *me* etc... :blush

It's amazing how closely pride and lack of faith are entwined! So, anyway, I'm feeling much better about the fact that God's in control of this matter and I don't have to shoulder it as a big emotional burden...but just get on with showing practical love for my SIL and sharing wise advice where its appropriate :heart

Thanks everyone, so much...this had been really getting me down! :grouphug

[Oliveshoots]

I'd started to think *I* had to change them - and have been getting frustrated they haven't been listening to *me* etc... :blush

It's amazing how closely pride and lack of faith are entwined! So, anyway, I'm feeling much better about the fact that God's in control of this matter and I don't have to shoulder it as a big emotional burden...but just get on with showing practical love for my SIL and sharing wise advice where its appropriate :heart

Thanks everyone, so much...this had been really getting me down! :grouphug


WOW....you have NO IDEA how much these statements meanto me. I feel like I have been shouldering so much emotional burden over being the "lone GBD parent" in my circle of church-friends and co-workers. You are exactly right when you say that pride and lack of faith are so closely intertwined! Many times I have the attitude that "okay God, you're not able to handle these people's unwillingness to learn about GBD and AP, so I'm just gonna have to step in here".....as if He were not already intimately involved in their parenting! I guess He will work on each of us in His own way, in His own time. I just want so badly to "spare" my friends and loved ones from what I've seen in families who look back after their kids are grown and say, "gee, I sure wish we hadn't been so harsh and disconnected with our kids."

Thank you so much for sharing this POV. It has helped me tremendously.

Like I said earlier, your sil and bil are blessed to have you praying for them and loving them....and having grace with them, as well!

:highfive

[mrsramjet]

:hug from me too, about this.

my niece is babywising her precious bub (i'm a great aunt :eek) and i thought i was just dropping little statements here and there and then she really reacted to me saying something one day, then avoided me the next time i saw her.
i got the message. i was ruining our relationship and cutting out the influence i *could* have by being available. the next few times i saw her i just talked up how gorgeous her bubba was and how great to be a mama - *on the same team* type thing - and she relaxed again.
we have moved now and don't see her so often, but i'm glad that i don't have the regret of pushing her away on my heart. yk?

this has been on your heart so much and it's hard not to be heard.
you're doing a great job of getting the info out there.

more :hug

[Lilly_of the_ Fields]

:hug Thanks! :tu