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mrsramjet
06-04-2005, 10:17 PM
my ds is nearly 2.
he is my first 'attached' child.
and he has started tantruming ......

my first child didn't 'do' the terrible 2/s.
child 2 - ds - was high needs and i was in a bit of a spin with him anyway! lol. all the 'tricks' that 'worked' so well with dd just didn't make any difference to him. but still, obviously, he had 'issues'.
so we have this affectionate, imaginative, curious, explorative, opiniated little boy now and i am having trouble knowing where is the line for what is acceptable.

of course with the ezzo thang, they are all about making kids easier for adults to be around. i understand totally that this is upside down and inside out and back to front.
i have embraced the transformations that need to happen in ME to effectively parent my children with GBD. it's brought so much liberation and joy.
but sometimes ds isn't fun to be around. and i can SEE dh thinking i'm doing something wrong and indulging this kid.

ok. this is what i do.
"reflect feelings. restate the boundary. take him to another room if he's disrupting things where he is.
if i can understand what is the problem and it's something i am fine with (eg this morning he wanted a different pair of pants than the ones i was trying to put on him, i say "oh, would you like these pants on? say "pants please mum" " and sometimes he will say it with a gulping sigh of relief at being understood i think. i will put him in them.
if it's something he can't have i reflect feelings again.
i comfort him if that helps. sometimes it doesn't.
if it doesn't i either sit near him and read or occassionaly i go to finish what i was doing and then come back to check on him (never longer than about 30 seconds or so) when i walk in he will mostly stop and want a cuddle and we go on with our day.

i just feel that even though this is my 3rd kid, i am not sure quite what to do. lol.
probably because i'm trying to second guess what my dh is thinking. i want to prove to him :O that i'm not 'ignoring it' or 'letting him get away with it'. i'm dealing with it, just in a different way.

so let me have the low down.
am i being too permissive? too authoritive? about right?

tia

ellies mom
06-04-2005, 11:15 PM
I think you are probably doing fine, I think what is making it harder for you is that your husband isn't fully on board so you are trying to prove to him that your "new" ways are working. This isn't unique to you and your husband. I have noticed it a lot. The husbands seem to have no interest in studying how to be a better parent. I know my husband put more effort into choosing his home theatre system than he has learning effective parenting strategies. Thankfully he doesn't lean towards spanking.

When you have to let go of your own expectations but then still live up to your husbands, of course you are going to feel like you are struggling. It would be much easier if the "men" would just pick up one of the books we are reading (or come here and read a few stickys), so that we could all be on the same page and work on gentle parenting together. That way you are building each other up, rather than feeling as thought the other parent is just waiting for for you to "mess up". I wish I had actual advice, all I can offer is encouragement and reassurance that you are doing well.

Titus2:5Catholic
06-05-2005, 06:16 PM
I can relate- I'm going through this too as I transition. I can see DH thinking "If I could just spank them, it would be over". What's worse is I know he's right. :( I just keep telling myself- the end does not justify the means, and that although immediately they are better behaved, long term they are not. Hard to remember in church when the mom who gave me To Train Up a Child was sitting quietly in the front row with her 6 from 8-18 months, while I was in the lobby 99% of the time with my three.

It sounds to me like you're doing great. I think this is just a very noisy, active stage of parenting and our society has totally lost all patience iwth that.

mrsramjet
06-06-2005, 07:12 PM
thanks for the vote of confidence. :)

I think this is just a very noisy, active stage of parenting and our society has totally lost all patience iwth that.


any other thoughts anyone.?

Lilly_of the_ Fields
06-07-2005, 06:32 AM
I'm really impressed by what so say you're doing - you're consistent and loving; not permissive at all! Toddlers can find their own emotions hard to handle - and the line between their baby needs and more independent child needs are shifting constantly. Something that they're ok with doing by themselves one day, seems overwhelming the next etc.

Hard to remember in church when the mom who gave me To Train Up a Child was sitting quietly in the front row with her 6 from 8-18 months, while I was in the lobby 99% of the time with my three. Oooh yeah...and from experience, the 3 quiet sitters of the punitive parents are the ones who are either timid bordering on having a neurotic fear of normal childhood risk taking or cut loose like a whirlwind outside the watchful gaze of mum and dad and act out their negative emotions through hitting etc. Oh, and then there's the passive aggressive ones...lol

katiekind
06-07-2005, 08:09 AM
I think you're doing fine. As you know, tantrums are normal for 2 year olds. They improve spontaneously. It's often a result of being overstretched---too tired, too hungry, too pushed from one adult-oriented errand to the next-- and/or frustrated by not being able to effectively communicate before the emotions take over. It will get better. Just be sensible and humane.

Dizzy Blond
06-07-2005, 03:12 PM
Hi Jo,

I think you're doing fine. Each kid is going to be different, regardless of how you parent. My dd is such a breeze, I think I have absolutely no experience with "real" stuff.

Your dh will catch on ... he'll see that "the other way" doesn't work with your ds either. And he'll come around. My dh just started to come around to GBD!! :D Before dd would push the TV on / off / on / off and dh would just sit on the couch and say "Stop it! - Susan get her to stop, I'm watching that!" Now he says to dd "I'm gonna get you ... I'm gonna get you ..." in a real silly voice and chases dd with his hands up & dd runs off squeeling and giggling. :grin :amen He could even say it still lying on the couch and dd would still run away squeeling and giggling because she knows the context.

So keep it up! Your dh will figure it out ... and he'll see that your ds is responding and that its ok he's different than your oldest.

mrsramjet
06-07-2005, 03:20 PM
thanks everyone.
i really appreciate the thoughts.

(hi amy :hug)

chelsea
06-12-2005, 07:24 AM
I think that you're doing a great job too! :)

ArmsOfLove
06-12-2005, 11:52 AM
sounds like you're doing great :) What might need to be remembered is that your ds *isn't* at all like your dd and I would guess that no matter how you were parenting he'd be the way he is--but with Ezzo stuff you'd be disconnected and now you are connected--which gives you the best vantage point to lead him out of this stage when the time comes and he matures. With ds1 I could have done GBD and kept our relationship close (which I did) or beat him senseless and grown to resent him :( He did have issues and as we stayed connected I was able to stay focused on figuring them out and helping him :)