teaching about feelings

[mylittlemen]

I hope this isn't rehashing something everyone already knows; I'm still kind of new so these things just go around in my mind, esp. when I am lying in the dark nursing someone to sleep...LOL

Can anyone explain to me why it is better to honor/indulge/welcome all our childrens' feelings rather than teaching them to overcome them or control them? (evil "c" word, I know :) ) Or are we trying to teach what is an acceptable response to our feelings? I have been thinking about this bc my BILs and SILs are the most logical, intellectual people and seem to never be led by emotions. They are young adults. They have broken off relationships, gone to funerals, lost pets, etc., and they just never seem to be affected. They say things like, it was the right thing to do and I'm at peace with it, so I'm not upset... I never hear sorrow, anger, frustration, desire, etc. At the same time, they don't seems exactly repressed. They say what is on their minds very candidly, and never worry about what other people think. But their lives are always orderly and carefully thought out.
Is it bad to be totally in control of your emotions? They were raised punitively, but were allowed to have tantrums, etc., at home. MIL is always calmly and logically explaining things to my little ones when they are upset, even when I think it's time to just let them vent, be tired, frustrated, whatever. I guess I am torn about whether I am going to raise whiny, over-sensitive, unable-to-cope little people. Should I not be helping them to be a little stronger or develop a thicker skin, so to speak? I understand about age-appropriate behavior. I suppose I am just falling into the trap of equating current behavior with grown up or young adult behavior. I have to say I admire young people who are strong and and not self-indulgent.(It's not at all how I turned out :( ) How do I get there from here? I know, I have a lot of reading to do. I hope my dilemma isn't too unclear. I hate being a confused parent, which admittedly, I really am. Right now, I am just working really hard on knowing and understanding my own children, and helping them navigate the bumps and bruises of life as gently, positively and patiently as possible. Do I need to worry about having higher expectations for them?

[ArmsOfLove]

It actually sounds like you might need to raise your expectations--but not to an age inappropriate level.

I don't believe in enduring or tolerating any and all rages or expressions of emotion from my children. They may have any feeling they have, but I teach them how to properly and respectfully express them. That teaching takes time, though :) Not an overnight thing ;)

[mylittlemen]

Yes, I think you're right. I need to get the Three Year Old book :) There are thousands of details and I will have to ask questions as the need arises. I have a ton of questions so, as time permits, I am sure you will be seeing me all over the board ;) I have a hard time separating social and family expectations from age-appropriate expectations. I am sure my family and ILs would love to see an Ezzo-trained kid. :( Truth be told, my kids are pretty well-behaved for the most part. Unfortunately, it was only recently that I stopped punishing for tantrums. When Ds1 was about 15 months old, he had his first crying/falling on the floor episode at my Mom's house, and she said right away, "That's when I would have pulled down your pants and swatted you on the bottom." I was very sad :( After that, I always knew she was expecting me to spank when behavior was out of line. I tried several approaches, but now I usually separate the kid from the situation, tell him what I expect, and give him a choice. Mom is very puzzled, I know she thinks I'm a softie! Phew. I feel kind of sorry for my 3 year old SELF! I remember always being scared of my Mom. We were perfect little kids, all of us, probably because we were scared to death. I am way rambling here. Just still wondering what exactly we are teaching regarding feelings. It may take me some time to understand how we "properly and respectfully" express them - especially since I am not sure I ever learned this myself.

[snlmama]

I think the issue is that you need to teach the child how to handle and manage his/her emotions. If you are controlling their expression of emotions from a punitive standpoint then *you* are controlling their emotions. Then, as adults, they don't know what to do when there is no one there to control their feelings. :/
Been thinking about this some lately and this is what I think.
For example, I tell my 5 year old "you may not kick the dog when you are angry. You may say 'I am angry,' you may try to change the situation, you may jump up and down to get your negative energy out. But you may not hurt anyone in the process." So, when he grows up and is on his own and is angry, he has some ways to let his anger out that are acceptable. If you say "you may not be angry," he just doesn't know what to do. :think

[Soliloquy]

I think it helps to remember that some people are naturally more "even keel" and others have an "up and down" personality. Your BILs and SILs probably just have a level temperment. I am very optimistic, while my husband is more pessimistic, but not in a negative way, if you can imagine that. He is more of a realist, and I'm more of a dreamer. We complement each other.

I agree w/ Crystal, though, that acknowledging all feelings doesn't mean that anything goes. Many times, just having someone say, "That's really upsetting. I can see why you're so angry," is enough to calm one down. I think that when people try to teach children to "buck up" so to speak, it just causes them to try and make everyone realize how hard they've got it, i.e. they get over-dramatic about things. Does that make sense?

[CelticJourney]

Not speaking specifically about children, but more about adults - I think sometimes people who repress negative emotions rather than feel and learn to manage them sometimes lose on the other end and don't fully enjoy positive emotions to their fullest. This is something I deal with. I am very logical, organized, problem-solver type of person. Disappointment and anger is turned to a catalist for change, which is fine, except that I am trying to get rid of the emotion, change the circumstances, rather than learn from them. Sometimes I think that this approach leaves me unable to get to the very emotional highs for fear I will be disappointed and have further to fall. For example, I miscarried my first pregnancy and so my next two, though not spend in misery worring, were also not spend in the joy and glow of impending motherhood that they might have been.

I want my girls to experience life to the fullest and I have to be careful that I don't pass along my tendency to protect myself by shutting down part of my emotions to my girls. Of course, as others have said, how they express those feelings is important.

Hope that's not too off topic

[domesticzookeeper]

I am very sensitive to the notion of "controlling" emotions.

When I was five, I was told to "stop crying" by my kindergarten teacher, over something that seemed insignificant to her, but was a big deal to me. I was so hurt and ashamed, I immediately did what she told me. And for the past 15 years I have not allowed myself to cry or express extreme emotion in front of anyone, not even my parents. It was such a little thing, really, I doubt she even remembered it. But it was HUGE to a young, impressionable child :blush

I'm a really laidback person, anyway, and a very logical thinker, so I'm not the type to get too worked up easily. But sometimes I feel emotionally numb.

And as Elizabeth said, I think that my suppression of sad or angry emotion has affected the other end of the spectrum as well. I don't know how I will deal with this with my future children :neutral

[mylittlemen]

Yes, these are exactly the kinds of things I was thinking of. I don't want to bring up my kids to be numb to life. I don't want them to be little robots programmed to do everything "just so" because someone is watching them. I DO wnat them to be functional in society, though, and masters of themselves. It seems like teaching obedience through fear is the lowest form - like training a dog - not consistent with the freedom of the children of God! Fear will keep you out of jail, and that's good I guess, but that's not how you want to live your life. We were created for so much more. I'm so thankful that I found out about GBD. I was already worried about equipping my kids with the tools they need for life, and that "punishing thing" just didn't seem to cut it. They may still make mistakes, we all will, but I hope they will be stronger and freer, and have developed their inner resources by the time they reach adulthood. And hopefully, they'll understand Grace and know where to come back to when things go wrong. Now, down to the hard work. There's so much to learn!