Titus2:5Catholic
05-26-2005, 11:04 AM
Hi! My name is Sara. I'm a SAH mother of three- a almost 4 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and a almost 5 month old boy.
I need some advice from other moms who have been in my situation.
When I was pg w/ #1, I naturally gravitated towards AP (breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, babywearing as much as my back would allow :) ) and was very anti-spanking. I considered it verging on abusive. Well, then my DS became a toddler and I had just had #2. I found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the fact I couldn't sit through church or do anything. He was a very high needs child and he was late being verbal, so I also felt like I couldn't communicate with him. My father died two weeks before my daughter was born and that combined with some financial problems lead to ppd/anxiety disorder.
Well, DD was a very calm baby, but as she started to be a toddler we ran into similar problems. At this time we started attending a new church. It has tons of large families and it was so neat to see people bring in their whole family and sit in the front row all through the service, excepting the littlest ones. My children couldn't sit still for 2 minutes. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was embarrased.
I was also finding it hard to AP discipline. Nothing in Dr. Sears' book worked for me. My child would not stay in place for time outs. He was way too focused to be distracted with another activity. I tried looking on the internet and no one seemed to have any ideas. I found myself becoming angry- saying things I felt were emotionally abusive- because I felt like I had so little control. One day he put a plastic bag over his head that was in the seat next to him (we were in the car) and he wouldn't take it off even when I yelled at him- I was speeding down a highway and had no safe place to pull over. Finally he did it, but it scared the heck out of me.
(Background on my upbringing. My parents were liberals and didn't spank. But I wish they would have rather then do what they did. They used tactics like silent treatments, guilt trips, and empty threats ("You can never talk to any of your friends again). They woudl take huge disobedience great but explode over honest mistakes or small issues. I always walked around on eggshells because I never knew what kind of mood they would be in. This was mostly my dad but my mom certainly had her moments. There were other issues involved- aren't there always, but it still hurt).
I asked a couple of women at the church how they disciplined and they gave me TTUAC. It appealed to me because 1. it would work quick, 2. it seemed to work for hte others, 3. I liked the idea of an immediate negative consequence that I could enforce anywhere, and then could be behind us and we could move on.
Well, we implemented it, and it worked, at least for my DS. DD never seemed to really take to it, probably because I wasn't as consistant with her. But I slowly noticed my attitude changing towards my children. I began to feel cold towards them. Incidents I would have felt compassion about irritated me. I felt like we were adversarial. I couldn't be consistant all the time, and I felt like a failure. Every time my children misbehaved it was my fault....and if I couldn't get my housework done because I was dealing with the children, I felt like a failure because they should be well-behaved enough to clean and do my hobbies as well. We started leaving them more with my mom. I was still AP-minded as far as child care but not as far as discipline. I felt myself enjoying being a parent less and my patience was getting lower and lower. Lately I've noticed my spankings verging on hitting. :bheart I realize that is what spanking is...but there was always a clear line before.
I was beginning to think this was just because I wasn't "cut out" to be a wife and a homemaker, and I should have chosen something different. I was contemplating leaving home, because I didn't feel bonded to my children and I couldn't see why they wouldn't be better off with a perfect mother. I had been led back to Christianity after falling away to witchcraft in part because of my interest in AP, because it showed me how perfectly God designed men and women. But if my children just need to be obedient- anyone can spank them until they do that. What am I special for? I began crying out to God, begging Him to melt my heart towards my children, begging Him for help, for grace, for patience.
Yesterday, during my DD's nap, she crawled into bed with me, and snuggled with me, which we haven't done for I don't know how long. My 5 month old on one side, my 2 year old on the other and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks- it's the spanking. It's the discipline. I see my children as adversaries, and so I have to win. When I don't win, I'm a failure. I've ceased to see them as blessings and began to see them as puppies I need to get in line. :cry
So I want to quit spanking, I want to go back. But I don't want to err on the other side either- just because spanking isn't involved doesn't mean it's not abusive. And I need to find ways to get them to behave- I can't have total chaos, I just can't. I like sitting through church. I like being able to tell my son to stop in a parking lot and know he will. I only have so many hands, I need some level of compliance. DH is totally willing to stop spanking, and he admits some of my points, especially since I'm so sure it's it (he's so wonderful! He's been praying and working with me to find a solution to how I've been feeling). But he is very insistant that we find some method of discipline that works- he doesn't want to go back to what we were doing before. What have those of you done who have been there?
I need some advice from other moms who have been in my situation.
When I was pg w/ #1, I naturally gravitated towards AP (breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, babywearing as much as my back would allow :) ) and was very anti-spanking. I considered it verging on abusive. Well, then my DS became a toddler and I had just had #2. I found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the fact I couldn't sit through church or do anything. He was a very high needs child and he was late being verbal, so I also felt like I couldn't communicate with him. My father died two weeks before my daughter was born and that combined with some financial problems lead to ppd/anxiety disorder.
Well, DD was a very calm baby, but as she started to be a toddler we ran into similar problems. At this time we started attending a new church. It has tons of large families and it was so neat to see people bring in their whole family and sit in the front row all through the service, excepting the littlest ones. My children couldn't sit still for 2 minutes. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was embarrased.
I was also finding it hard to AP discipline. Nothing in Dr. Sears' book worked for me. My child would not stay in place for time outs. He was way too focused to be distracted with another activity. I tried looking on the internet and no one seemed to have any ideas. I found myself becoming angry- saying things I felt were emotionally abusive- because I felt like I had so little control. One day he put a plastic bag over his head that was in the seat next to him (we were in the car) and he wouldn't take it off even when I yelled at him- I was speeding down a highway and had no safe place to pull over. Finally he did it, but it scared the heck out of me.
(Background on my upbringing. My parents were liberals and didn't spank. But I wish they would have rather then do what they did. They used tactics like silent treatments, guilt trips, and empty threats ("You can never talk to any of your friends again). They woudl take huge disobedience great but explode over honest mistakes or small issues. I always walked around on eggshells because I never knew what kind of mood they would be in. This was mostly my dad but my mom certainly had her moments. There were other issues involved- aren't there always, but it still hurt).
I asked a couple of women at the church how they disciplined and they gave me TTUAC. It appealed to me because 1. it would work quick, 2. it seemed to work for hte others, 3. I liked the idea of an immediate negative consequence that I could enforce anywhere, and then could be behind us and we could move on.
Well, we implemented it, and it worked, at least for my DS. DD never seemed to really take to it, probably because I wasn't as consistant with her. But I slowly noticed my attitude changing towards my children. I began to feel cold towards them. Incidents I would have felt compassion about irritated me. I felt like we were adversarial. I couldn't be consistant all the time, and I felt like a failure. Every time my children misbehaved it was my fault....and if I couldn't get my housework done because I was dealing with the children, I felt like a failure because they should be well-behaved enough to clean and do my hobbies as well. We started leaving them more with my mom. I was still AP-minded as far as child care but not as far as discipline. I felt myself enjoying being a parent less and my patience was getting lower and lower. Lately I've noticed my spankings verging on hitting. :bheart I realize that is what spanking is...but there was always a clear line before.
I was beginning to think this was just because I wasn't "cut out" to be a wife and a homemaker, and I should have chosen something different. I was contemplating leaving home, because I didn't feel bonded to my children and I couldn't see why they wouldn't be better off with a perfect mother. I had been led back to Christianity after falling away to witchcraft in part because of my interest in AP, because it showed me how perfectly God designed men and women. But if my children just need to be obedient- anyone can spank them until they do that. What am I special for? I began crying out to God, begging Him to melt my heart towards my children, begging Him for help, for grace, for patience.
Yesterday, during my DD's nap, she crawled into bed with me, and snuggled with me, which we haven't done for I don't know how long. My 5 month old on one side, my 2 year old on the other and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks- it's the spanking. It's the discipline. I see my children as adversaries, and so I have to win. When I don't win, I'm a failure. I've ceased to see them as blessings and began to see them as puppies I need to get in line. :cry
So I want to quit spanking, I want to go back. But I don't want to err on the other side either- just because spanking isn't involved doesn't mean it's not abusive. And I need to find ways to get them to behave- I can't have total chaos, I just can't. I like sitting through church. I like being able to tell my son to stop in a parking lot and know he will. I only have so many hands, I need some level of compliance. DH is totally willing to stop spanking, and he admits some of my points, especially since I'm so sure it's it (he's so wonderful! He's been praying and working with me to find a solution to how I've been feeling). But he is very insistant that we find some method of discipline that works- he doesn't want to go back to what we were doing before. What have those of you done who have been there?