heartofjoy
05-22-2005, 07:45 PM
Remember when a popular homeschooling curriculum (SL) put the wood shed reference in their newsletter? A bunch of people got a little mad about it. :td I am SO glad that the controversy happened otherwise I never would have heard of GCM. Someone linked this site in a thread on the SL forums. I have been here ever since. :mrgreen
My story: I was a psychology major when I met my husband. I grew up attending church, but I was not saved. Two months after we met, I got pregnant. We got married two months later. My first dd was a high needs baby. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I had some kind of idealistic vision of what that would be like. DD did not like to be held. She didn't cuddle. She prefered the bottle to nursing. We couldn't figure out cosleeping. Neither of us slept well. She ended up sleeping through the night early and eventually would rather me put her straight in bed than ever try to cuddle with her. She cried alot. I was disappointed that I could not get her to stop crying just by holding her or singing to her. It made me resent her because she wasn't living up to my expectation! :cry (Already failing her mom at the tender age of 2 months!) I was only 22. Her behavior caused me to detach from her. She went to daycare when she was 7 months old so I could go back to school full time. I got my degree in Psychology when she was 18 months. I was 3 months pregnant. I started grad school.
At 18 months, dd went from being a sweet, although active, toddler into some sort of terror. :eek I didn't know what to do with her. From what I learned in my psychology classes I knew that spanking probably wouldn't work. However, pysch classes are not parenting classes and they don't exactly give you specifics in how to parent. I would get so frustrated and angry that I would lash out and hit her. I felt awful, but I couldn't seem to control myself. This went on for the next year. I think somewhere during this time I read Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book Raising Your Spirited Child. I don't think it helped much because dd was still too young.
When dd was 2.5 and I had a 4 month old baby boy, my dh decided it was time to go to church, HIS church. I was very happy! :D I had been pressuring him to go to church for a long time, but he didn't like MY church. So we went, and I was saved. I really met Jesus for the first time. My dh was saved too. He had also never met Jesus, although he grew up going to church. After immersing ourselves in church culture, I started having problems with my grad psych classes. They were so humanistic and ungodly, that I could no longer continue to take them. :spit Besides, I had become committed to being a stay at home mom, so the degree was pointless because I wasn't going to work anytime soon! Quitting school was a good thing for me. However, I rejected pretty much everything I learned, including the effects of spanking. I bought into the line that God wants us to spank our kids. :( Now, I could plan spanking for my dd without feeling guilty! I visited the wood shed site. I implemented first time obedience. I tried to by hyper consistent. I failed.
Things got much worse between me and dd. The antagonism between us was highlighted by the fact that ds was a VERY laid back, low-key kind of kid. I read some articles on the Pearls website. I had read alot of Sears because I loved his AP stuff, but I always skimmed the discipline stuff because I knew he didn't believe in spanking. I really got a mixture of info, but I seemed to hang onto the idea that I could not let dd control me, I had to win, I had to be consistent, and I had to spank. :banghead
Eventually, I concluded that I could not spank anymore. I was abusing my dd. I still believed that SOME people could spank because they could do it calmly, without anger. As for me, spanking led to abuse. After concluding that I could not spank anymore, do you think I stopped? NO! My out-of-control behavior got worse. There are things I did to my dd that I am not comfortable even sharing with my husband. I mean, I never burned her or gave her bruises, but I would go completely ballistic. I screamed, I put her down verbally, I would drag her. I stopped spanking, but I had nothing to replace it with. And I still had a very demanding, emotional, out-of-control-just-like-her-mother dd. :sa
So I just did the best I could with prayer, trying to cool off, but it seemed I was always failing. On the SL forums, I noticed some posters who would comment about grace when discussing discipline issues. I PMed one of these posters and she shared with me what grace parenting is all about. I kind of knew it all in my heart, but I needed it confirmed. And I still needed more practical application skills. A few weeks later I followed that link here. :) From here I started making mental notes about books recommended. For some reason I have never really enjoyed reading books about discipline, which is what saved me from reading the Pearls or Babywise or Dobson. So the only book in my LLL's library is Siblings W/O Rivalry. Interesting. Lots of good techniques. Then I look at my public library. The only thing there is Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. I start reading. My life starts changing. Well, okay, this was last week, but I have already noticed changes!!!
I am already internalizing many of the concepts. This moment is as it is. I am in control of my emotions. The biggest thing is, I can't remember the last time I lost control. I was still yelling until last week. Now, I am not even really yelling. At least not the out of control yelling out of frustration. It has always been so hard for me to stop these negative behaviors. Now I actually have tools to use so I am not getting frustrated! It's wonderful! I feel so, so, so very blessed! I have prayed for YEARS about my anger issues, and my dd's issues, and I never felt God was going to answer. Nothing ever got better. But NOW He has FINALLY answered my prayers!!! Whoo-hoo! :jump2
Now my question. As much as I love Bailey's book, I would really like some Christian reading material. I have a hard time with "psychobabble" because I sort of renounced it all a few years ago. I don't like to read about Mother Nature, how we evolved, or the inherent good in every child. I have a hard time not just discrediting everything else an author says when he obviously is not a Christian. At least on matters that directly relate to my spiritual life, which parenting does. (Obviously if an atheist told me how to bake a cake, I would have no problem listening!) I looked at the book list, but it doesn't always say if a book is secular or not. I am assuming Biblical Parenting would be good! But I really want something that tells HOW not WHY. I already know that God doesn't want me to spank. I don't need a theological treatise on why.
Whoever started these messageboards, THANK YOU and God Bless You.
:hugs
My story: I was a psychology major when I met my husband. I grew up attending church, but I was not saved. Two months after we met, I got pregnant. We got married two months later. My first dd was a high needs baby. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I had some kind of idealistic vision of what that would be like. DD did not like to be held. She didn't cuddle. She prefered the bottle to nursing. We couldn't figure out cosleeping. Neither of us slept well. She ended up sleeping through the night early and eventually would rather me put her straight in bed than ever try to cuddle with her. She cried alot. I was disappointed that I could not get her to stop crying just by holding her or singing to her. It made me resent her because she wasn't living up to my expectation! :cry (Already failing her mom at the tender age of 2 months!) I was only 22. Her behavior caused me to detach from her. She went to daycare when she was 7 months old so I could go back to school full time. I got my degree in Psychology when she was 18 months. I was 3 months pregnant. I started grad school.
At 18 months, dd went from being a sweet, although active, toddler into some sort of terror. :eek I didn't know what to do with her. From what I learned in my psychology classes I knew that spanking probably wouldn't work. However, pysch classes are not parenting classes and they don't exactly give you specifics in how to parent. I would get so frustrated and angry that I would lash out and hit her. I felt awful, but I couldn't seem to control myself. This went on for the next year. I think somewhere during this time I read Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book Raising Your Spirited Child. I don't think it helped much because dd was still too young.
When dd was 2.5 and I had a 4 month old baby boy, my dh decided it was time to go to church, HIS church. I was very happy! :D I had been pressuring him to go to church for a long time, but he didn't like MY church. So we went, and I was saved. I really met Jesus for the first time. My dh was saved too. He had also never met Jesus, although he grew up going to church. After immersing ourselves in church culture, I started having problems with my grad psych classes. They were so humanistic and ungodly, that I could no longer continue to take them. :spit Besides, I had become committed to being a stay at home mom, so the degree was pointless because I wasn't going to work anytime soon! Quitting school was a good thing for me. However, I rejected pretty much everything I learned, including the effects of spanking. I bought into the line that God wants us to spank our kids. :( Now, I could plan spanking for my dd without feeling guilty! I visited the wood shed site. I implemented first time obedience. I tried to by hyper consistent. I failed.
Things got much worse between me and dd. The antagonism between us was highlighted by the fact that ds was a VERY laid back, low-key kind of kid. I read some articles on the Pearls website. I had read alot of Sears because I loved his AP stuff, but I always skimmed the discipline stuff because I knew he didn't believe in spanking. I really got a mixture of info, but I seemed to hang onto the idea that I could not let dd control me, I had to win, I had to be consistent, and I had to spank. :banghead
Eventually, I concluded that I could not spank anymore. I was abusing my dd. I still believed that SOME people could spank because they could do it calmly, without anger. As for me, spanking led to abuse. After concluding that I could not spank anymore, do you think I stopped? NO! My out-of-control behavior got worse. There are things I did to my dd that I am not comfortable even sharing with my husband. I mean, I never burned her or gave her bruises, but I would go completely ballistic. I screamed, I put her down verbally, I would drag her. I stopped spanking, but I had nothing to replace it with. And I still had a very demanding, emotional, out-of-control-just-like-her-mother dd. :sa
So I just did the best I could with prayer, trying to cool off, but it seemed I was always failing. On the SL forums, I noticed some posters who would comment about grace when discussing discipline issues. I PMed one of these posters and she shared with me what grace parenting is all about. I kind of knew it all in my heart, but I needed it confirmed. And I still needed more practical application skills. A few weeks later I followed that link here. :) From here I started making mental notes about books recommended. For some reason I have never really enjoyed reading books about discipline, which is what saved me from reading the Pearls or Babywise or Dobson. So the only book in my LLL's library is Siblings W/O Rivalry. Interesting. Lots of good techniques. Then I look at my public library. The only thing there is Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. I start reading. My life starts changing. Well, okay, this was last week, but I have already noticed changes!!!
I am already internalizing many of the concepts. This moment is as it is. I am in control of my emotions. The biggest thing is, I can't remember the last time I lost control. I was still yelling until last week. Now, I am not even really yelling. At least not the out of control yelling out of frustration. It has always been so hard for me to stop these negative behaviors. Now I actually have tools to use so I am not getting frustrated! It's wonderful! I feel so, so, so very blessed! I have prayed for YEARS about my anger issues, and my dd's issues, and I never felt God was going to answer. Nothing ever got better. But NOW He has FINALLY answered my prayers!!! Whoo-hoo! :jump2
Now my question. As much as I love Bailey's book, I would really like some Christian reading material. I have a hard time with "psychobabble" because I sort of renounced it all a few years ago. I don't like to read about Mother Nature, how we evolved, or the inherent good in every child. I have a hard time not just discrediting everything else an author says when he obviously is not a Christian. At least on matters that directly relate to my spiritual life, which parenting does. (Obviously if an atheist told me how to bake a cake, I would have no problem listening!) I looked at the book list, but it doesn't always say if a book is secular or not. I am assuming Biblical Parenting would be good! But I really want something that tells HOW not WHY. I already know that God doesn't want me to spank. I don't need a theological treatise on why.
Whoever started these messageboards, THANK YOU and God Bless You.
:hugs