Questions to ask before attending a new church?

[phathui5]

I'm in email dialogue with the pastor of a church that dh wants to visit. I was wondering, what are some "screening" questions I can ask without being too obvious to make sure I'm not getting into a Pearl/Ezzo type place?

[katiekind]

"What kind of support, if any, do you offer parents?" (Or what kind of classes, if any...)

On the other hand, I don't see a reason not to come right out and ask if they teach Ezzo classes or if the parents are passing around Pearl stuff. If his church is free of it, you'll alert him to the controversial nature of those materials. If the church DOES teach them, he'll learn that there is a cost to offering these classes.

[Tulip_Plus_3]

Being a bold person by nature, I'd just go to the service and see what was what. I'd not bother with screening phone calls first. After the service I'd cruise the lobby & see what kind of materials are available. Get the visitor's info packet if they have one, and chat up the folks in the greeter's booth (if there is one). Ask for a pastoral visit if they offer it AND if you had a good sense that the Holy Spirit attended the service (otherwise, don't waste your time). I agree, ask someone outright what support is given parents, and what the position is on Ezzo and Pearl (et al).

[Katherine]

I think I might ask him what basic ideas he as pastor and the church as a unit uphold regarding parenting and discipline. Many churches are punitive minded even if they have no dealings with a "big name" like Ezzo, Tripp, or Pearl. Depending on what part of the country you're in, too, punishing might be part of the "Christian culture" that is taken for granted. You might also try something like, "What do you think the Bible teaches us about parenting ?" or "Do you think the Bible advocates a specific "formula" for parenting? If so, what is it? If not, are we as parents free to do things in whatever way we see best with no limitations? If there are limitations, what do you think they are?"

(I would pick one question to start with, and then see what he says... you may get the info you need from his answer)

I would want to know whether the churches agenda/beliefs on *topics* such as this is promoted from the pulpit, or if the pulpit is reserved for teaching theology and scripture only. Of course, the catch here is that many punitive minded churches would consider themselves to be teaching straight scripture when they expound on the meaning of the "rod" verses. :/ And many conservative churches hold their version of what parenting ought to be on equal footing with other theological issues--teaching that spanking is a direct command, etc. If you *really* want to know, or his answers are not getting to the point, you might have to be more direct...

What is your understanding of the rod verses in Proverbs?
Do you believe the Bible commands parents to physically punish or spank children? Why or why not? Will these ideas be taught from the pulpit?

Another thing to consider. I think a lot of the friction and tension in church families regarding parenting styles happens amongst the members themselves, so the pulpit or leadership of the church is not always involved. Even if the church is not actively teaching punitive parenting or hosting Ezzo classes, there may be a "subculture" of punitive/Ezzo/Pearl followers within the church body. :shrug That's something you can't control and it will be difficult to tell unless you've spent some time around the other parents/kids there. Heck, the pastor might not even be aware of it!

Hope the outcome is good for you!

[Katigre]

To get a feel for parenting teachings i would talk to moms in the church (visit the nursery to chat, maybe one of the greeters will have kids, etc...). They will be able to give you an insider's perspective on how parenting is handled in the church.

[happy2bmama]

I'd ask direct and to the point if they offer Ezzo courses. If he says "no" that he's not even familiar with it, I would continue to ask questions about the churches view on parenting - if he preaches much from the pulpit about parenting and if so, what does he teach?

[PurpleButterfly]

Our questions:

1. Are children of all ages welcomed into the sanctuary during praise/worship?
2. What are the accomodations or expectations for nursing mothers?
3. Are there parenting classes or philosophies taught? Specifically, we want to avoid any Ezzo/Babywise/GKGW/Pearl (so they don't misunderstand and think people are looking for this when they hear the names again).
4. Is/are the children's minister(s) parents themselves? (I've been amazed at how many are not and it almost always seems to reflect more Ezzo philosophy when so).
5. What is your style of worship?
6. How would you handle it if my child were asking questions about making Jesus their Lord and Savior? What about child baptism? Family or parent/child baptism?

We're looking for a new church home right now, and these are my standard questions, but for the most part, I go to the service, we worship together as a family, then dh stays to check out the sermon message while ds and I evaluate the children's area. I want to know what is going on when they're not expecting parents there, listen outside the doors, peek in and see what kind of interaction is going on, walk around and look for potential security issues, see how pick up is handled. You'd be amazed at what we've seen - kids who have "escaped" from their ss rooms, parent volunteers making kids stand in time-out corners, back doors propped open right next to infant nurseries where someone could easily slip in/out and the ladies inside are defenseless, kids left to cry and sob while workers stand and chat. :cry

If a church "passes" my inspection, then I'll call and go over my list at least in some part, and continue visiting this way for the next few weeks. It takes time and a lot of prayer, but I'm confident the Lord will lead us to a new faith family with similar values where we can grow together and our family can worship in peace and joy. :heart

[hsgbdmama]

Also check to see if the church has a website -- you should be able to glean some info from there. But I agree with several of the other posters here ... just talking to one person isn't going to give you the full picture, visiting the church will. :)