I need some help please...

[boonpnutsmom]

We caught Oldest DS in a lie this morning about homework, and then he made himself tardy to school by refusing to get out of the car when we were at school in plenty of time. I need to think of a consquense that will stress the importance of truthfullness and then the issue with the tardy, not sure what to do about that. I left the house in plenty of time, stopped by uncle's office to get paperwork, dropped off DD and the whole time he was working on a lego project in his lap. He had over 20 minutes to do this. There was no reason for him to still be putzing around with it after I pulled into his school. But he refused to go down to his class and the second bell rang. The homework issue is an ongoing one, and he knows what will happen with that one, so that one is pretty much a moot point, but the lying needs to be handled. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[ArmsOfLove]

Well, I would suggest you're thinking about this punitively so rather than help you think of a consequence (which may still be appropriate) maybe we can try to reframe the situation? Would that be okay?

When you say you caught him in a lie, can you describe what happened? Did you know the answer to the question before you asked him?

On the legos--is that why he was tardy? I'm a little confused--he was doing legos and wouldn't stop to go in? How did you handle that situation?

[boonpnutsmom]

When he comes home in the afternoon we ask the same two questions everyday. I wasn't feeling well last night so I left it up to DH to do this, guess that was my first mistake. The two questions are: Do you have homework? Is it all complete? He said yes to both. DH did not check his bag. I had gone to bed early so I didn't know anything about this until this morning. I checked his bag to make sure everthing was signed and done. He had not completed two of his workbook pages and never told us he needed help in doing this, as he didn't bring home another book he needed. So I told him as soon as he got to school to go sit down and finish this before flag raising, he was ok with this. I asked him why he lied and he told me he didn't want to do it. No other explanation, nothing. I was so stunned I couldn't say anything at the time.

Ok, now for lego thing. Thursday is boy's sharing day in his class, so last night he built this really neat seahorse that he was going to take in as S&T. It was up on the shelf waiting to go to school, all completed. In the car on the way to school, he decides he wants to change the seahorse into something "more cool" is what he told me. I reminded him when we got to DD's school he had a little bit more until we were at his school so he needed to finish it up, he told me ok. There are EXACTLY four more stop light to his school, as each stop light I reminded him there was that much less (i.e. 4, then 3 so on), he kept repeating himself, ok Mommie. We pulled into the parking lot and I asked if he wanted me to drop him off or walk him down, this determines which lane i pull in. He told me drop off, I'm in the drop off lane and he's not moving, cars are honking. I pull into a stall and asked him what was wrong, his answer...I'm not done. I asked him to please put it in his container and to go to class as the bell was going to ring soon. He still sat there. I asked if he needed help he told me no. He finally got out and then still took his time to get his bag and start walking to class, in the meantime the bell rang and I told him he was now tardy on an otherwise perfect attendance record. His response.... I don't care. And he closed the door and walked away. Did even tell me he loved me or anything. I sat there and cried. I have told my children EVERYTIME they ever leave me, whether it is for school or anything I love you and they tell me I love you back. He didn't even look back at me. I'm just heart sick I don't know what is up with him, but something is really bothering him. I don't even want to talk to him about this again and just let it go, but then what if this becomes a pattern? I don't know, this has all made me sick I'm going to lay down.

[ArmsOfLove]

:hug

I'm not seeing his attitude because I wasn't there, but just looking at the actions I don't see anything unusual for his age. It's very normal to get absorbed into what they are doing and not want to stop--I'm the same way even at my age ;) And he really might not care about being late :shrug Children aren't all motivated by the same things.

Did he not want to do the homework because he was being lazy? Or, assigning a positive intent, maybe he didn't want to bother you guys and figured he forgot the book so he was finished with all he was able to do on his own???

When my guy was 6 he was TOTALLY literal. There was no ulterior motives with him, but he sometimes answered with a very linear thinking that was different from where I was going.

[snlmama]

Crystal has some interesting points. I'm not totally sure how I would handle it. As far as the tardy, if my ds gets in trouble at school, the only consequence is whatever the consequence is at school. I talk to him about what he did wrong, what he should have done and what he needs to do to make it right. I'd put the tardy in that category - just talk to him about why it's important to be on time, what he needs to do about it in the future and have him apologize to the teacher for being late.
On the homework and lie - I think I'd just talk to him generally about the importance of honesty and let him know that it really hurts you when he lies to you.
Also, an idea on solving the issue of not wanting to do it - an acquitance was telling me that she has her kids study or do homework for 30 min. a day whether they bring home any homework or not. If they don't have homework from school, they can read or she gets them something to work on or study related to what they are doing at school. Reading this I was thinking a system like that might work to eliminate lying about and avoiding homework b/c if he's going to do homework for 30 min. anyway he may as well do what was sent from school. ;) Just an idea that popped into my head. I may be using this next year when ds is in first grade. :)

[mom2threePKs]

Could his I don't care attitude come from feeling defeated and overwhelmed about forgetting his book and about trying to get his homewrok done before the bell rang? Maybe when he said no homework to dh he knew he forgot the book and was embarrassed and engaging in a lot of wishful thinking and denial? I dunno just a thought.

As far as consequences...
Does he have an assignment book or homeowrk calendar frm the teacher? If not I think ti is reasonable to ask his teacher to have him write down the assignments in a specific place and have her initial them at the end of the day. I would just tell him that you will be checking his assignment book each day for a while to make sure that what he says matches what he teacher expects. In a couple weeks with no more porblems you will give that responsibility back to him and you will trust what he says about his homework.

Also, it's the end of the year. Maybe he's just sick of school and doesn't care a squat about his attendance record. ;) Since it seems so out of character for him I would probably not make a big deal out of it and assume something else was going on, overwhelmed, scared of not haveing his homework, wishful thinking.

Magan

[boysmama]

I love Crystal'r replies.

I don't see rebellion or adversity, just childishness. (Just reading your post, wasn't there :))

My 9yo also sometimes answers no to the homework question, then we say, ok. let's look in the bag and go through the books. Then there might be some homework he does need to do. We are the grown-ups, we have to think on the consequenses. Often our children only think an hour a head (if that far :)) Now if I don't check his books, and there is homework not done, he has to face the reality at school. I teach him to tell the truth and show him the difference when the opportunity arises (as in such a situation) but I'm not sure punishing would teach it better.

The lego. All my boys can get lost in their playing. Someone has said that we have to remember that when we call our children to dinner, they might be on their way across the Atlantic. Again I think for many children, the world of games and fantasy is as real and important as the world of reality and consequenses.
I think you handled it wisely by reminding him repeatedly. I do that with my sons too. Like soon we are going ....., now there are only ten minutes .... now you have to finish etc.. What happened in your situation? Was he late to class? If we are late to school I let my son face the consequense of coming late to class. Nothing else. He hates coming late, but sometimes he is so lost in his thoughts that if I don't help him along we are late. When he knows how it feels to be late, he is more motivated to hurry.

Another thing about your situation. My son also LOVES lego and I know how perfectionistic he would be if he had to take something to school. I actually think my son would be so worried that he would be really stressed. And if he was allowed to redo his lego in the car, he would be just like your boy and not leave the car until the project was finished. After all he has to show it to a whole class.