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View Full Version : APing with lots of children


heartofjoy
04-28-2005, 12:51 PM
Does anyone else find it hard to AP with lots of children? I have 4. They are 5.5, 3.5, 23 months, and 3 months. Sometimes I can't get the baby as soon as she cries because I am stirring oatmeal on the stove for the other 3. :( Or they all wake up the same time from their naps. My three youngest are usually all very needy when they wake up. So I have three kids crying simultaneouly. I usually feed the baby and get her happy first, then nurse the toddler, and my poor three yo is just in tears because mama hasn't come to get him. But sometimes, after the baby is nursed, I have to set her down to tend to the others and she cries. I feel bad that I am letting her cry, but what can I do? :shrug

Sometimes I read AP stuff and feel a little miffed at a writer talking about how bad mothers are who don't respond to their kids needs. Moms who let their kids cry or don't always help them when they need help. It seems like they are all talking about some perfect experience of a mother with 1 child. I can't be everything to every child in my home. It is just impossible to "do it all" when you have so many.

A friend of mine with 2 children says she thinks AP can cause children to be selfish. (She does AP, and her dd is selfish, but what 5 yos aren't? What adults aren't? I know I am!) I sort of think this *could* be true if you never stop meeting every need, but I also think having several children will also probably negate the tendency towards selfishness. Just because you can't meet every need immediately.

BTW, I do use a sling when we go out, but it doesn't really work in the house. The other kids can't cuddle with me like they want when I am slinging. Also, the baby usually fusses if I try to sit down at all. It's good for being active, but not good while I am trying to parent the other children.

Any thoughts? Anyone out there with children born closely spaced and having a hard time figuring out what AP looks like in your family?

boonpnutsmom
04-28-2005, 12:57 PM
:hug

salt_light
04-29-2005, 07:15 AM
Wow you are doing great! I only have 2 boys spaced 7 years apart. I have problems meeting both of their needs when the older one is home. Luckily he is in school 1/2 the day. But when he is at home I feel so bad because there are many times that I have to overlook his needs to care for the crying baby...

Anyway inmy opinion, it sound like you are doing a great job with them. :hug

Gretchen
04-29-2005, 07:40 AM
It's definitely more difficult to AP with more children, but it's also just more difficult to parent (no matter what style you use) when you have a bunch of young, closely-spaced children. My SIL's 4 youngest are almost exactly the ages of your kids (plus she has older ones that are 12, 11 and 8.5). Due to family illnesses, I've spent time taking care of all these kids and it is hard - 17 hours a day without ever sitting down is pretty typical.

You're right - you can't be everywhere at once and the kids are going to have to wait at times for your attention. From my experiences, I would say that routine is extra important when the family is large - seems to cut down on the chaos factor and also ensures that everyone does get individual time with the parents.

{{{Hugs}}} You're in a very busy time of life. Hang in there!

Gretchen

Iarwain
04-29-2005, 07:52 AM
Does anyone else find it hard to AP with lots of children?

Yes and no. I have five, but they are spread out a little more than your children. My oldest two are 9 and I have a 7 yo, a 3.5 yo, and a 15 mo. When Princess (#3) was born I had 3 under 3 and that was hard. No question about that. Now it is much easier. I found that when my oldest two hit about 7 or 8 things started to get much easier.

Yes, sometimes I can't answer the baby's cries as fast as I would like. But then I couldn't always do that when I only had two (they were twins!). God knows that. We do our best and that is the best we can do. God hasn't called us to be perfect mothers. There is no way on earth we can be! And thankfully perfection is not required to turn out decent kids.

I know what you're saying about not being able to be everything to each child. And we're not meant to be. The point of AP is that our children grow up in an atmosphere of love and responsiveness and that doesn't necessarily equate with mother preventing every frustration. It is the big picture that counts. When several of my children need me at once I have to prioritize whose needs are most critical and most urgent and deal with them in that order. I firmly believe that God designed us to be able to raise large families and that it is a good thing and that He has provided us with everything we need to do that in the way He would like us to. God's idea of good mothering may not be the same as that of someone with only one or even two children, but thankfully it is His opinion that counts.

I get a lot of comfort from some of the parents of large families who have gone before. You don't have to go back hundreds of years or to Bible times to find that. Bill and Martha Sears have eight children and have written some of the best parenting books. When they say something you know it was written by someone who understands! The founders of LLL all have between 3 and 11 children! Most of them 7 or more! They know what it's like. I try to find my inspiration from sources like that, where I know it works even with more children than I currently have. And I tend to avoid authors who have unrealistic expectations.

And if you want a practical tip - I've found that wearing my youngest in a carrier that can do a back carry to be very, very helpful. I've been able to do this from very tiny with the right carrier.

Mama Calidad
04-29-2005, 08:34 AM
So I have three kids crying simultaneouly. I usually feed the baby and get her happy first, then nurse the toddler, and my poor three yo is just in tears because mama hasn't come to get him.
I'm a little confused on this one. Why can't your 3 yo come to you? My 3.5 yo DD always comes to me if she's upset while I'm nursing DS. We can talk about whatever is bothering her and she can snuggle up next to me while DS is nursing.

A friend of mine with 2 children says she thinks AP can cause children to be selfish.
IME, I've found this to be completely untrue. My MIL had 10 children. 10. Can you even imagine?!?! And she APed 'em all. She's never heard of the term AP, but she breastfed all of her children, they all co-slept (or are still co-sleeping), she packed 'em round in a sling, never spanked any of her children (FIL spanked DH once for losing a goat). It's a family tradition. :hearts

DH left home at 15ish to find work to help send money back to his family. He sent them thousands of dollars. Two of my BILs are currently working to send money back to my ILs. The other two BILs are still in the home helping the family with farming. All of my SILs are married and go to visit with and help MIL every single day. :hearts :hearts :hearts About as far from selfish as I can imagine.

heartofjoy
04-29-2005, 08:42 AM
When several of my children need me at once I have to prioritize whose needs are most critical and most urgent and deal with them in that order.

I call this Mommy Triage!


I firmly believe that God designed us to be able to raise large families and that it is a good thing and that He has provided us with everything we need to do that in the way He would like us to. God's idea of good mothering may not be the same as that of someone with only one or even two children, but thankfully it is His opinion that counts.

I believe this too. Thanks for reminding me!


And if you want a practical tip - I've found that wearing my youngest in a carrier that can do a back carry to be very, very helpful. I've been able to do this from very tiny with the right carrier.


What carrier does this? I would be very interested to know.

inesperada
04-29-2005, 08:50 AM
Arwen's cuddlencarry can do a back carry. :)

www.cuddlencarry.com

heartofjoy
04-29-2005, 08:53 AM
Why can't your 3 yo come to you? My 3.5 yo DD always comes to me if she's upset while I'm nursing DS. We can talk about whatever is bothering her and she can snuggle up next to me while DS is nursing.

Well, he naps upstairs in his bedroom. So when he wakes up and he is in a big grump mood, he goes to the top of the stairs and screams if I do not come up the stairs and get him. Usually I am downstairs nursing either the baby or the toddler when he wakes up. So we all listen to him scream until I am done with the babies, and then I go get him. I try to talk him into coming downstairs and sitting next to mommy, but that just makes him madder. Before the baby was born, neither he or my toddler would tolerate another child snuggled up with mommy when they wanted to be snuggling. Where's the "sigh" smiley?

He is getting better. This only happens now once a week or so. It used to happen every single day. :eek

Iarwain
04-29-2005, 10:08 AM
What carrier does this? I would be very interested to know.


I use both a Baby Trekker and various wraps. The Trekker felt more secure and easier to put on when they were really tiny. In either case it is tricky to get them on when alone, but doable. With the Trekker I laid it on the bed, laid babe on top of it and pulled it up between his legs then sat myself on the bed in front of him or crouched at the edge of the bed and fastened the waist strap then carefully pulled the shoulder straps up into place with him in it. A mei tai would work similarly but I don't have one of those (yet, it's on the sewing project list). Wraps take more practice to do a back carry IMO but it's still workable and can be very comfortable.

www.rebozoway.org has some rebozo back carry instructions with a newborn. I know there are other online resources as well.

Radosny Matka
04-29-2005, 11:56 AM
Hugs. I have 2, and can totally relate. Sometimes you just have to do the best you can.

TulipMama
04-30-2005, 06:06 AM
My four boys are spaced almost exactly like your kids. I didn't AP the first two when they were little (but sure did when I realized they needed it!) and became more and more AP with the next two.

Anyway, I just have a second here--I want to post more later. I wanted to give you a hug and let you know I understand!

Grace and peace,

Joanne
05-01-2005, 05:30 AM
My 3 are 10, 8 and 6. So, obviously there was a time when they were 4, 2 and newborn. Yikes! :tu :laughtears

Don't try to compare yourself to an AP family of one or few children. It's simply not comparable.

But the heart of AP, the essence of AP is doable. When a baby "has to fuss" while you facilitate PB&J sandwiches, when a grumpy waker upper can't transition while you feed a baby, while an older child waits for a board game.......... You aren't deliberately setting them up in order to impose an artificial and unnecessarily lesson on them. You aren't emotion or sleep training them. You aren't making choices to disconnect.

Your heart and your intent is to meet needs in order of your intuitive priority. That's the heart of AP and that can be present in large families. Large, closely spaced families provide a variety of life's lessons. And you are way too busy to worry about being AP "enough". :heart :wow

Cherish
05-01-2005, 05:44 AM
I have seen AP be doable with lots of children, even though Ive just got 2 out of the womb right now. My best friend has 10, from 22 down to 2 right now. And though, like you sia,d it may be hard to give as much to each of your children as if you only had 2.... the willingness, the effort, and the followthrough of actually APing lots of children really does pay off. I have seen my friend's AP parenting positively effect her 16 yr old daughter, who is our favorite sitter. She slings babies and finds it easy to carry a baby and chase a toddler and a preschooler.. because it's what she's been used to her whole life. Having an AP teen babysitter is awesome :) Mama, you are doing THE WORLD a huge service by doing AP. You are doing your children a huge service by doing AP. Don't knock yourself because you feel like you can't do it perfectly every day. You are awesome, and helping to raise a generation of gentle, loving, respectful children!

*HUG*

heartofjoy
05-01-2005, 12:21 PM
You aren't deliberately setting them up in order to impose an artificial and unnecessarily lesson on them. You aren't emotion or sleep training them. You aren't making choices to disconnect.

Your heart and your intent is to meet needs in order of your intuitive priority.

Thank you for this! I needed to see that spelled out for me. I knew there was something I was doing right even if it didn't "look" like it! I have let a baby cry before. In fact I have had a baby fuss herself to sleep. But it certainly hasn't been because I was attempting to train the baby. It's because it just happens sometimes while I am having to attend to someone else. I know in my heart that if it was just me and the baby, I'd be in there cuddling and rocking.

Also, when situations like this happen, I think it makes me more aware that I need to purposely establish a reconnection. Like making sure I talk and smile at her alot for the rest of the day. Little babies are really so sweet!

:heartflower

hsmom26
05-25-2005, 06:38 PM
Try to remember that they won't all be little forever. :hug2 They'll get older and it'll be easier. They can help you more and play together more. I have 6 and am the most AP mom I know so it is possible, if not always easy. Just do the best you can - relax on the housework, unschool instead of school-at-home (if you homeschool), accept help when offered, cut way down on outside commitments (church, etc). My kids are spaced much further than yours so I have a lot of help but then we have more "to do's", etc in some ways (sports, lessons, youth group, etc). It is worth it, though (being AP), and I think makes life easier, not harder (I couldn't imagine trying to work a baby's "schedule" around all these people) and makes for a happier, healthier, closer family, IMO. :heart