4yo -- how to "make" her stop

[cornflower]

Alright, I'm a little afraid to ask for advice on this, b/c I think I'm just going to hear GUOYB. :) My problem is that once I'm up off of my bottom, I don't know what to *do*.

My 4.5yo DD, Arlen, is going through a difficult phase for me. She and 2yo, Wren, argue about *everything*. Truly. Everything. If one says white, the other says black, if one says up, the other says down. That may not sound like much of a problem, but the arguments frequently escalate into physical altercations... not to mention the fact that we had *six* of these exchanges before we'd been up for an hour this morning. I'm just worn out and tired by it all.

I *know* that Arlen is only 4.5yo, and that I can't always expect her to "walk away" verbally, but if I tell her to drop the argument (or to not say another word, or to go into the living room, or to jump up and down 10 times) then I really, really, really need her to do what I've told her. I just don't have the energy to mess with this 92 times everyday. So, sure, I get up to "help" her do whatever it is I've told her to do in an effort to break the argument cycle... but I *can't* make her. To have her "not say another word" I'd have to hold her down and cover her mouth. (She doesn't respond well to physical restrictions like the bear hug. :/) To have her "go into the living room" I'd have to march her in there and then stand in the doorway to keep her from coming back into the kitchen. (And it wouldn't be as easy as it sounds either -- lots of kicking, screaming, and yelling.)

I'm really, really tempted to use punishments. :( I don't mind helping my children comply (usually :blush), but I truly don't know what to say to make her drop an argument with her sister that I could actually enforce.

[crunchy christian]

This might be a really dumb answer, and will probably make your job a bit harder....

but....

Maybe for a while you can have the 4 year old come to you when the 2 year old upsets her. Some people might think this encouraged *tattling* or whatever, but I don't. Look, if it is coming to physical altercations (which you DON'T want)...and your methods thusfar are upsetting you and don't seem to be working and you are considering punishing (which you don't seem to want either and in my humble opinion will do more harm than good)...

...maybe have a talk with her along the lines of...

"Wren seems to be upsetting you a lot lately, but I don't like it when you yell and hit eachother so can you do mommy a favor? As soon as you feel yourself getting angry at your sister, please come and tell mommy and I will see how I can help"....or something along those lines....

Trying to reason with the 2 year old is kind of futile at this point, which is why I mention primarily dealing with the child who is old enough to understand...

You're breaking them up all the time anyway, if you can get her to come to you when she is upset and seeing how you can cut if off at the pass before the hitting begins, I would imagine that would be a better (if not perfect) alternative...

Good luck!

[ArmsOfLove]

I have some solid relationship guidelines:

Family gets our best or no one gets the rest
If you set a boundary with words I'll help you enforce it
If you hit/hurt you lose what you were fighting for

I make sure I'm speaking each of their love languages :)

I move into tense situations and start a fun ritual or connecting activity--often without addressing what is going on. When we're all in a good emotional space the problem is corrected or resolves itself.

[snlmama]

I'm not sure if this qualifies as GBD, so I apologize in advance if it doesn't. :shifty :think
My boys went thru this kind of arguing for awhile and on days like you described or just days I couldn't deal w/ it I often told them "either you find a way to get along or I separate you." And, if they keep arguing, I put one in one room and on in the other and they play alone for awhile until they say they will try getting along again. :/
Usually I try, during the separation to work w/ them individually about how to treat others and how to respect one another even when they disagree. :shrug
I'm not sure if it "worked" or if they've just grown out of it, but I haven't had to separate them in a quite awhile. :shrug My oldest is nearly 6 now.

[ArmsOfLove]

I think that's reasonable--especially on bad days when they're not fighting about what the real issues are ;)

[cornflower]

Thanks to you all. :)

especially on bad days when they're not fighting about what the real issues are

I think that *this* is one of the reasons that I've been so frustrated with the situation -- b/c they *aren't* fighting about anything "real" or that they actually care about in the big scheme of things. They really are just fighting to see if I'll take one's side over the other's side. It is *classic* sibling rivalry, and it's wearing me down. :banghead

My LLL group's copy of Sibling Rivalry is missing, so I've not been able to re-read it lately. (And I think that I *really* need to.)

[ArmsOfLove]

They really are just fighting to see if I'll take one's side over the other's side And how are you responding? I'd make sure both people are heard, feelings reflected, validated, and getting connecting time with you. Maybe see if your library (LLL or local) has a copy of Bailey's "I Love You Rituals" :)