LGP week 2 day 3

[Irene]

Week 2
Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Attention
Reason: what you focus on you get more of
Discipline Skill: Assertiveness
Value: Respect

Assertiveness: saying no and being heard

Listen to yourself talk to your children. Are you passive, aggressive or assertive? change passive and aggressive statements into assertive commands. Use a calm, sure tone of voice.

Complete the following chart. Check to see how much you have changed by comparing it to your previous chart on page 85.

Week Ending Passive Communications Aggressive Communications Assertive Communications

___________ __________________% ___________________% _______________%

[Irene]

I am going to have to think more on this today ;)

I think I say the correct things, but my tone of voice is passive. the other day watching the Primary Focus video and hearing Crystal and Joannes voices were like :idea to me. whe Crystal said "are you going to do it yourself or do you need my help, dd's head shot up :lol she knew that phrase, but I am not nearly as calm and sure :blush So I think while I say the correct things, I think the tone of voice is saying a lot more :neutral

I didnt do the chart before :blush but I think I am more assertive now than I was a month ago :P

[MidnightCafe]

You know, I finished the book a few weeks ago & I had the impulse to tell my neighbor to just be assertive this morning. :eek We go for walks together & every morning we have this discussion about where we should walk each day. I usually just decide because I hate having the "I don't know. Where do you want to go?" discussion.

I've been wondering some things, though. Do you think assertiveness is sometimes a cultural issue? I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to say, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" because that's the polite thing to do. You're both supposed to say that the other person can decide, and THEN one of you can decide. I notice this with some people more than others. Is it cultural? personality? familial? I notice that I am much more assertive now that I used to be. I think I became more assertive as I became more independent - when I went to college, when I got married, when I became a mother.

[Irene]

Interesting... :think

[phermion]

Ok...so this might be a no brainer for some but I was wondering (partly since I am bookless *laugh*) if someone might give examples of :
Listen to yourself talk to your children. Are you passive, aggressive or assertive? change passive and aggressive statements into assertive commands. Use a calm, sure tone of voice.
I can do the calm, sure tone.....but I guess I am looking for sentence structure. (by the way, OT - I've been SO PROUD of myself for not using the "but" in sentences this week - you know - "You can be angry." "You may not scream." :highfive)
Now returning to the topic at hand - anyone want to share a sentence?? :O

[Tengokujin]

Is assertiveness cultural?? Yeah, I think so. I think that, in general, women have a really hard time being assertive. We learn to be nice, and build consensus. I think it is also why women don't have playground fights, but are nasty to each other in more devious ways. :( I think it is also why we are so impressed when we see a woman who states her mind clearly but graciously.

Some cultures are very passive. Where I am, it is just plain rude to clearly state what you want. For instance, "Where shall we eat?" MUST NOT be answered with a definite answer. Everyone keeps their cards hidden and sends hints about their true feelings. Hopefully everyone figures it out and consensus is reached. :hissyfit :hissyfit :hissyfit

Families too. No one in my family ever clearly states anything--it is always indirect.

[MidnightCafe]

Christy, here's an example:

passive: "Could you please try to help clean up?"

assertive: "You need to pick up your blocks and put them in the yellow bin."

aggressive: "If you don't clean this room right now, I'll make you sorry you didn't."

Does that help?

A passive voice tends to be vague, general & pleading. It often asks a question rather than giving a clear direction. If you are passive you might have trouble helping your child follow through with the instruction & you might feel that your child is "making you" frustrated or angry.

Assertive is clear, specific & firm. An assertive "command," tells the child exactly what to do & only gives choices when their is a choice (no asking questions when it's a directive, not a question). Assertive parents take ownership of their own upset ;) and help their kids follow through if necessary.

Aggressive can also be sort of general ("clean this room" instead of "pick up your blocks") and involves threats or consequences. Aggressive statements can also be identified by the use of the words "make me" (as in, "you are making me mad" or "don't make me send you to your room") and the words "always" and "never."

[DogwoodMama]

I think I really really need to watch tone... I noticed I have begun messing up the "5 steps" also... I will start well, "Charlotte, you need to stop touching the kitty food"... about half the time she stops, but if she doesn't it then it goes downhill, I say in a mildly "threatening/begging" voice, "Do you need me to help you stop?" (I can't explain it but I *know* it's not right, it's coming across like a bad thing, rather than an assertive, matter-of fact question...). Then if she doesn't stop, I will say "OK, I'm going to help you stop" and pick her up, but once again my tone is wrong...

I *think* I still have problems somehow with threatening, which is how I was raised... I totally did not realize this until we started doing the 5 steps with Charlotte, but the fact that I turn step 2 into an aggressive-type threat was a real eye-opener for me!!! I tend to be pretty assertive but the aggression one is going to be my achille's heal I can tell. :(

[phermion]

YES!! Thanks, Midnightcafe!! Very helpful. :tu :tu As far as women and being assertive - I think it's being taught to be deferential to others - but it gets extreme....in a funny way I have been trying to work on this with my friends. So if we are trying to decide where to go, I usually offer two or more "choices" that appeal to me. :lol It helps, but secretly, I feel motherish when I do it. :rolleyes

Now...of to listen to myself to figure out how assertive I am.... ;)

[bex]

Wow this part (passive v aggressive v assertive) was a big eye opener for me. I figured I was aggressive or at least assertive until in the comments about passivity, I saw my own words printed there. I think I'm passive until I get too riled up (ie., can't stuff it any longer) and then I'm aggressive tending even toward violence. This is with adults too (not the violence but I was still violent even in college). I ask way to many questions when I want my kids to do something or "why did you hit your brother?" stuff. I don't give them usable information in commands. I also (with adults) wait to give my opinion until I'm ok with how the personn willl respond. Wow this is yucky...but good.

[Irene]

For instance, "Where shall we eat?" MUST NOT be answered with a definite answer. Everyone keeps their cards hidden and sends hints about their true feelings. Hopefully everyone figures it out and consensus is reached.

Families too. No one in my family ever clearly states anything--it is always indirect. this is how my IL's are. it drives me NUTS. my dad was European and they all just tell it like it is :lol so thats how I grew up. DH was attracted to me because of that :lol even though they say the man marries someone like his mom- uh NOT! :mrgreen even though I still struggle with my kids with this :shrug

Elizabeth, Im the same way... using the 5 steps or even saying ""You need to pick up your blocks and put them in the yellow bin." I am saying the correct things, but tone of voice is all wrong :think

I saw Supernanny once and she was trying to train the mom to look in the mirror and practice calm voice I was like :eek wow I dont sound like that at all :/ I need to practice my "thats unasseptable" :lol j/k

[ArmsOfLove]

I think I'm passive until I get too riled up (ie., can't stuff it any longer) and then I'm aggressive tending even toward violence. This is true of most people. Most people who think they ahve a problem being punitive actually have a problem being permissive until they are pushed over the limit--which is why it's hard for them to hear that they are permissive. They know they are punishing and that doesn't make any sense to them :shrug But moving towards being assertive instead of permissive takes away the pendulum swing and brings balance :)