Asking for help again, please

[Gentle Journey]

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[Mother Duck]

Just want to offer you a :hug IME three and a half is a tough age. I'd say she needs firm boundries that are lovingly enforced :) I'm sure others will have ideas for you. My brain is almost asleep here!

:hug :heart :hug

[Gentle Journey]

Thanks for the :hug

[Micah]

Well I am where you are in some ways...I really do think this is all within expected (however not acceptable ;) ) behavior for ages 3-5, I really do. I am on child #4 and they've all went through this difficult stage...I really think it is preperation for the teen years :lol ;)

Seems that the closer the child get to age 5 the mellow they slower become, I think because they begin expressing themselves even better? :shrug

I won't give you any splendid advice as I am just coming away from punitive parenting so I don't have any great GD advice, other than don't give in to it...validate her feelings, but don't give in...be consistent, and pray! :pray for patience.

[MarynMunchkins]

3.5 to early 4 is rough. :) We're coming out of it for the second time. :mrgreen

When my kids are rude and disrespectful, I reflect their feelings and give them an acceptable way to express them. For example...(this actually happened today with my 5 yo when I told him to come inside the house)

"I hate you! You're stupid."

"Wow, you sound angry." :neutral

"I am angry. I hate you." :mad

"It's okay to be angry, and you can tell me that. But you can't say "I hate you" or "You're stupid" because it's rude and direspectful. Try again - say 'Mommy, I'm really angry about having to go inside.' "

"No, I don't want to say that. I still hate you."

*deep breath*

"Okay, I see you need some helping calming down so you can use feeling words. Let's go sit in the Comfort Corner."

I helped him over to it (read - put my hand on his back and nudged him the direction I wanted him to go), and had him sit down. "When you're ready to be kind and use kind words, you can get up. You need to sit until you can be respectful to me." :)

It took about 5 minutes before he got up, apologized for being mean, and said "I was really upset because I didn't want to come inside the house."

:)

This is an age where they try to see how much power words have over you. The goal is to stay calm and deal with the behavior while teaching an acceptable way to express feelings. Easier said than done...;)

[Gentle Journey]

Thanks for replying.

You handled yourself well Mary. I'll try something like that.

Micah- That was good advice:)

[Joanne]

I'd consider designating a "feeling space". Separate from the comfort corner. I do this with my daycare kids. They can feel however they feel. But they can not hold everyone else hostage with the expression of that feeling. Prolonged feelings are large expressions of feeling belong in the feeling space.

With a personality like your dd's, I'd get a timer and put a time limit on the expression. "You are angry. You have 2 minutes to get the angries out. After that, you need to find a way to cooperatively and happily rejoin the daily activities."

I'd increase the social and emotional coaching. I'd offer alternatives, very much like the post above.

[MidnightCafe]

May I respectfully add something? My DD is only 3, but I wanted to clarify something from your post and make a suggestion.

You said that you ask her to do something, she refuses, you ask again, she screams, & you send her to the comfort corner. I don't think I'd be going for the comfort corner at that point. It sounds too similar to sending her to her room. I've been reading Easy to love, Difficult to Discipline, and it seems like another approach you might take is to reflect her feelings & then offer a choice. "You seem really angry right now. You are screaming & your face is all red." Reflecting feelings might help her to calm down. And then offer a choice, "You need to wash your hands. Do you want to do it yourself or have mama help you?" Or "Do you want the purple soap or the white soap?" Or whatever. Give her 2 options where both options are ones she could actually choose & you'd be ok with it. Obviously, if she's still screaming you might need to wait until she calms down & then come back to the choice at hand.

I don't know if you do this stuff already. So forgive me if I'm repeating things you've already tried.

I also really like Becky Bailey's advice about getting down on your child's level, touching them, waiting for eye contact & then telling them what it is you want them to do. I've been practicing that with DD this weekend & it really makes a difference in her cooperation level. I think sometimes I tell her to do something when she's in the middle of something & she either doesn't hear me or she forgets by the time she's done with what she's doing. If I unterrupt her, rather than waiting for eye contact & her full attention, she doesn't want to cooperate because she's been interrupted.

I hope some of this makes sense. I really recommend the book I mentioned.

[ArmsOfLove]

It also sounds like she needs some firmer and better explained boundaries. Joanne's suggestion has that built into it, I'd take it even farther. Behavior like that is typically crying out for kind and firm boundaries. I also noticed you said you "ask" her to do things. I'd encourage you to see the 5 Steps sticky in this forum and only "ask" if it's something she really has the power to say no to--and then honor her no. If it's a non-negotiable then I make sure to tell them they *need to* do it. It can be very confusing to a child to hear an option in your wording and then have you get upset when they decide 'no'.

[Gentle Journey]

A little late, but thank you for your replies.

[ArmsOfLove]

how are things going???

[Gentle Journey]

I just wrote my confessional..........I think it's called "time to be honest". Kids are still the same, I think the real issue is me.