Bedtime woes

[Mother Duck]

I think this is the best forum for this question - please mome it if you think it should go someplace else :)

We are having a very hard time with Chanty (5 in 10 days) at bedtime. She goes about her bedtime routine there quite happily, but will not stay in bed when dh settles her there. She keeps getting up and thinking it's a big joke. Usually dh scoops her up and takes her back to bed. Sometimes he stay with her, but often she says she does not want him to. This is usually because she want to keep getting up. :sa

If she doesn't want dh to stay (or me if I'm putting her to bed) it's a major :hissyfit :hissyfit :hissyfit we get called, idiot, stupid, silly etc, yelled at and screamed at, hit etc (ya get the picture!) We usually tell her we don't deserve to be treated like that, and walk out and shut her door. She soon opens it, and comes out again just to start the whole process again ... grrrrr!

Tonight dh went in and despite protests stayed with her. She said she wanted a drink, dh got her one, and she screamed that it was in the wrong bottle ... :rolleyes :shrug After big protests about that, all went quiet (after about 10 or so minutes of abuse :( )

She is tried and when she quiets down is asleep quite quickly. Maybe she is overtiered but we can't get her to be any earlier because of our current family dynamics. Hopefully all will change when we get settled in Australia (in 6 weeks!!).

As dh said tonight, he's too tired to deal positively with her at bedtime. I am usually busy nursing Chana (2.5y) to sleep so it's up to dh to put her to bed. Both dh and I are ready to throw a :hissyfit :hissyfit with her!!! :sa

Please, any advise and prayer and hugs would be welcome.

Thanks

[Quietspirit]

A couple of ideas:

1) you could just make a bed for her in your room (or wherever you are nursing) and then either let her sleep there all night or move her after you finish nursing the baby

2) What do you do after she fits, etc? My guess (and this is because I'm right there with you on bedtime struggles! :O) is that eventually she gets her way. If it is important to you that she stay in her room, you will have to commit to about a week of putting her back each and every time. AND this is important, not giving in/changing your mind/etc. I'd only do this if you're willing and able to commit to a week of her being upset and you sticking to your decision to have her in her bed.

We are going to be doing option 2 in our family this summer with one of my elder children. For now, we are doing option 1 ;)

[ArmsOfLove]

Yes--she is in a big flux right now in her life and she is asking if you are going to be able to keep her safe with the changes going on. I would include in the bedtime ritual the giving of water and anything else she normally asks for and then put her to bed and keep putting her back. She may have so much anxiety in her that the tantruming is actually necessary before she can get too sleep :( Try not to get caught up in it (I know, easier said than done) and I'd work on some other rituals throughout the day.

[Mother Duck]

Thanks for the reply's. Yes, it is a tough time in her life and tantrums are part of her day to day expressions of her big feeling :hissyfit

Dh usually get her the water as part of her bedtime routine, but it is NEVER (well hardly ever) just right no matter how many times he asks her exactly how and what she wants. :shrug

Any suggestions for day to day rituals?

Thanks again.

[KingsDaughter76]

Here is my scoop.....


I would tell her that since she does not like how you prepare her water that you feel she is old enough to get her own drink for bed.. my children do this every night (even my 4 yr old! ). They all have their own water bottles that are kept on a bedside table.. she will feel responsible and it will place the fuss back into her own hands.

What I do for my children if they will not stay in their beds after I have told them to, is that I calmly tell them that I see that they are not ready to lay quietly and obviously need to go sit in the "quiet spot" ( this is our nighttime comfort corner only used for bedtime issues) they are so used to the comfort corner that they go readily to it or ask me to take them to it.. they usually sit there and lay around, think about stuff...sing quietly and generally unwind for a few minutes and then come tell me when they think they are ready to try to go back to bed.. usually they only have to go there once and are ready to lay in bed and fall asleep. They do not have toys in this bedtime quiet spot.. only soft warm fuzzy sleep time stuff.. things that might help them soothe themselves more for sleep, lots of pillows, bears, stuffed puppys, soft music with headphones, fuzzy soft blankies.

I think that after being in the family bed my children are very confident in sleeping in their own beds...so they usually fall right asleep...my older children really do not ever use the nighttime quiet spot at all, usually my 4 yr old needs it..it seems to help him shift gears to put his mind and body into sleep mode.

I really hope this helps you out some.. :0)


Kellina

[KingsDaughter76]

Oh, and advice for the name calling.... my only suggestion would be to try talking with her during the daytime when she is not in the heat of the moment... explain to her that her rude words are hurting your heart, show her how Jesus does not want us to talk to others that way and that is hurts his heart when she does it too. Then tell her that she may not use those words with you anymore that you know she is frustrated, and you will help her express those feelings in a more appropraite way with good words...maybe have her help you think of some good "mad" words she can use to vent her frustration... my kids love doing this.. they come up with some crazy stuff....lol! It will put some responsibilty back to her of controlling herself and her words....you can tell her that you will help remind her of the new bedtime rules... before she goes to bed every night until she feels she can follow them.

My kids bedtime rules are as follow:

1.) turn off our talking mouths and put on our sleeping mouths
2.) close our daytime eyes and open our dreaming eyes
3.) be still so our bodies can start to grow
4.) if I can't sleep, whisper to mommy and rest in the quiet spot till I am sleepy.


Maybe this is weird...but it works wonders for my kids because we practice and remember what we need to do before we ever get to bedtime..they know they are responsible for a peaceful bedtime and rest for themselves. HTH! :0)

[Quietspirit]

I really like the idea of a night time comfort corner! Thank you!!!

It makes very good sense, particulary in light of sleep disorder research which shows that if one cannot sleep, one should get out of bed and do something else for a while. It prevents the bed being associated with tossing/turning/unrestfulness. :tu

[Katherine]

I love that idea, too! How old were your kids when you started using it? Is it in a different room from where the other kids sleep so as not to be a distraction? What do you do if they get out of the quiet spot and start running around or playing? or if they are being loud in the quiet spot?

[Mother Duck]

Well, we gave Chanty the responibility of getting her own drink last night :) I think deep down she liked the idea but didn't want to admit it! :lol

I told her what we expected of her and that if she called daddy names he would leave the room and that she would be put back into bed if she came out.

She was quite happy for a while in bed, but then told dh to leave the room, he did and she got up! He put her back without saying anything (great self control!) and continued to put her back each time she got up. Finally she asked if he could stay with her while she went to sleep :) She was alseep within 5 minutes!

We will do the same routine tonight and hopefully she will get the hang of it soon.

We may try the night time comfort corner, but I don't think it would work for her ... she just wants to get up and be noisy!!

Thanks for all your ideas ... I :heart GCM!!

[KingsDaughter76]

I love that idea, too! How old were your kids when you started using it? Is it in a different room from where the other kids sleep so as not to be a distraction? What do you do if they get out of the quiet spot and start running around or playing? or if they are being loud in the quiet spot?



I started when they were about 2 years old or so... It is right outside the room in a small corner. They know not to run around or get out of the quiet spot or they go straight into bed. They consider the quiet spot a privledge of sorts...not to be abused, it is for resting till they are sleepy. When they were little if they started to become noisy or not sit quietly there then I would warn them once and then move them back to bed. I also prepared them for the rules of the quiet spot before hand, so they knew what was allowed or not. I am a firm believer that you must tell children what is expected before you expect them to comply with what you are wanting from them. If they have no idea what is expected how can they possibly do the right thing?! :-)

I hope this helps some... like I said before, my older 2 kids do not use the nighttime quiet spot at all anymore...they go right to sleep... it is usually for my 4 yr old son who has SIDS (sensory integration disorder) that cannot settle down by himself unless he can unwind somehow. Oh and when you first introduce the quiet spot it is a "novelty" item to a child and they will want to get out of bed so they can try it out. I took care of this by letting them practice in it for a few days during the daytime so it would not be such a cool new thing....I had them do a "dry" run and we talked through how they needed to use it etc... yes I talk this way to my 2-3 yr old...I talk to them and explain things just as I would my older kids....they may not get all of it...but with hands on experience they usually get the general idea. I also sometimes sit with them in the spot at night if they need me too... you could always do this until they settle down and do not try to run around... of course if they are that hyped up at bedtime maybe you need to do some "wind-down" activites before bed so they will not be so charged up. We do lots of sleep activites...I even yawn alot to encourage them to yawn and feel more relaxed and sleepy. HTH!! :0)